Moms Missing Out

Here's an entertaining video posted by a mom who is lamenting all the things she misses now that she has kids.  Thankfully, there's no "but it's so worth it" backpedal at the end.  Be sure to read the comments below her video for lots of other moms chiming in and adding to the list.

My childfree friends, let it not escape us how similar their list of things they miss is to my list of the Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids.  See, there is actually some truth to the stuff I write ;)




Thank you to CFVixen for the forward.

I Wish I Had Known

Thank you to my friend Matt for forwarding me this article on Lifehacker, 10 Things I Wish I had Known Before Becoming a Parent.  This is yet another mom-penned article outlining in detail all the things that are tough about parenthood, and ending with the requisite bitch and backpedal about how it's all worth it in the end.

The author of the article covers familiar ground:

• Getting pregnant is not easy
• The first few months after the kid are born are torture
• You get no sleep for months
• Your house gets overrun with baby crap
• The expenses never stop
• It's hard to maintain a career, and working at home is not an easy solution
• You stress out a lot over whether the child is developing on schedule
• Going out anywhere is a stress fest
• For better or worse, you and your partner (and your relationship with each other) will never be the same

It always amazes when when parents say they wish they had known these things before they had kids.  I have never had a child and yet I am well aware of the downsides of parenting because:

1. I have 2 eyes.  At least 70% of the people I know have kids and I can directly observe what their lives are like.  I see they are a shell of their former self.  I see their house is overrun with kiddie crap. I see they are having a hard time staying above water.  I see they are stressed over their kid's every move.  I see them spending $200 a month on diapers. I see the burden it is for them to go anywhere. I see their marriage deteriorating. I see how tired and stressed they are.  How can anyone observe people with kids and not know the truth of what parenting is like?
2. I have never known a single parent who appeared to be more happy, fulfilled or better off in any way than I am - unless you count their tax breaks and stork parking (which I help myself to anyway).  In fact, many of them seem downright miserable.  And exhausted.  And stressed.  And broke.  And nobody can convince me that some kiddie kisses and "I love you mommy" are going to undo all of that.
3. Given #1 and #2 above, why would I be surprised to learn that being a parent is hard, full of drugery, no sleep, exhausting, draining, life-sucking and all the rest?  Why do people so easily believe the fairytales about parenthood when their own eyes can tell them the real truth, if only they would open them?

The backpedal at the end of "it's all worth it" is just a way for the complaining mom to redeem herself because we all know it is taboo for a mom to be honest about the suckage that is motherhood. For a woman, to say that it sucks to have kids is the same thing as saying "I am an awful mom", but that can be erased by qualifying all of her complaints with, "it's all worth it" at the end.  Saying "it's all worth it" also has the added benefit of bestowing saintlike martyr qualities on the complaining mom, because god knows the saint/martyr label is one that moms love to wear with pride.  LOOK AT ALL I HAVE SACRIFICED FOR MY CHILDREN! 

(Of course, if she wants to avoid having to keep up the appearance of being a good mom and claiming "it's all worth it",  she can post her bitter complaints about motherhood anonymously on the internet, as many parents are doing these days).

If ending their venting sessions with "it's all worth it" makes it a little easier for moms to endure their lifelong prison sentence and to be honest about the downsides of childrearing, than I guess we can give them a pass - for now.  At least their increasing openness about the realities of parenthood is creating a counter-balance to the overwhelming and unrealistic pronatalist mythology that has a death grip on our culture.  My hope is that as more moms and dads write articles about the harsh realities of parenthood, fewer people will feel compelled to put their pens to paper to scribble out regretful "Things I Wish I had Known Before Becoming a Parent" lists, long after it's too late to turn back.  Instead, they will put to good use the shared experiences of parents and non-parents (and hopefully their own observations) to thoughtfully and intelligently weigh out the costs and benefits before making a monumental and life-altering leap.

Bitching (without backpedaling)

Written by a mom - and NO backpedaling - 50 Reasons to Not Have a Baby. (Thanks, CFVixen, for the forward).

More Regretful Moms Let Loose

Thanks to CFVixen for directing me to a thread that is currently running on a site called CafeMom in which moms are venting about how much they hate motherhood, regret having kids and are angry that they were duped into believing the myth that motherhood is the most wonderful and necessary path to happiness and fulfilment.

The thread starts with this post and takes off running from there.

"Why is it that we are conned into thinking that motherhood is a blissful, satisfying, and rewarding blessing? I attend a mothers group for young mothers and the other day one of the social workers asked..."Who hates being a mom?" Everyone looked at each other as if they were afraid of the question and that admitting to it is a mortal sin. My hand shot up. After a year of being a mother I can't hate it more. It just prevents me being truly happy. I know some women out there have invested time and money into having a child and think its the most glorious and officious thing in the world. But I think that from little girls we are brain washed into thinking that being a mother is what our duty is. Its evident by the toys marketed towards girls: baby dolls that poop and pee with their carriages, little tiny kitchens, even vaccum and broom sets. JESUS!


Needless to say my pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted. I was 21, unmarried, and still in college with hopes of attending medical school. I dreaded being pregnant and the permanent scars it would leave on my already flawed body. I thought that once I had the baby I would love being a mother and a wife. The truth is I hate it. I couldn't love my child anymore, his smile touches a part of my heart that no one else can, but I don't like being his mother.


It is just a burden I don't want to deal with at this point of my life. The feeding, the changing, the constant neediness, which I know will perpetuate until the day I die. I decided to breastfeed him and still do and regret every day I decided to do this. It has been 14mo since he was born and I still have no ownership of my body. I have tried to ween him, but he become unbearable.


Before having him I was a straight A student, active in school, and I held up to two jobs. Now its seems I can't get my shit straight. My grades would be more that satisfactory for other students, but they just don't cut it for me. I feel like I have to choose between my dreams, and being a good mother, which isn't fair.


I have all the love and support from my husband, but its not enough because I feel like a failure, like I've failed myself. All these emotions have just turned into anger, and its just boiling inside of me because its turned into hate. I can't control my anger anymore. I can't stand being alone all day with my son. He wants to be all over me and all I want is my space. I try to play with him, but I'd rather be elsewhere. I feel like I have to give and give and give, but in return nothing.


To make things worse, I'm totally isolated. My mother lives in an other state. All my friends graduated 2 years ago and moved on with their lives. I have no friends I can relate to, even when I'm at school. I just feel thrusted into a position where I had no say, and I was pushed into it "because it was the right thing to do".


Now I'm filled with regrets, morn the loss of the life and the person that I was (which I really liked) and feel all alone in life. I hate being a mother. I hate my life. Most of all I hate what I've become. "
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Some replies:

"The easy part is under 4 years old. Parenting is a whole new ball game as they get into school age. Frankly, it's harder.


I was married young, had a child, finished college, had more children and now I'm working on my graduate degree to requalify in my choosen career field. At my age, I should have 10 years of working experience and make enough to cover daycare. I have no real experience, every job I had was quit due to pregnancy!


I just told my screaming kids in the van I was going to work, hiring someone to take care of them, because I quit! Seriously, I want to quit being a mother, a parent and a wife.


I think you feelings are normal. I don't have any other answer than that for you."
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"so many truths spoken here.



Yes, the first four years are easier. The exhaustion that begins to set in at 18 months - 2 years is complete by the 4th birthday. I was hospitalized for 2 days when son was 18 months, then at 4 years, I needed it again, but refused because western medicine had nothing to offer me except prozac.


I discovered that I was pregnant at 35 when I went in for my blood work before my tubal ligation. I wanted the surgery when I was 22 but was told I would have to wait until 35. I accepted my responsibility and hoped "god would provide". I hoped he/she would provide the Money, the Physical Stamina, the Emotional Stamina, the Personal Discipline, and the Social Network necessary to raise a child alone. (father chose not to participate) After 6 years of selfless service, I feel "done". At 41 the career and relationship oportunities that I had always wanted in my life have come to my door, and because I am a mom I cannot accept. I am just too tired.


I do realize that I have "made this bed" so I get to lay in it, but I still hate motherhood. And like all other mothers, "I love my son", because we are biologically and genetically programed to. If not we would have abondoned our children eons ago and the human race would never have reached 6 BILLION. So I struggle with the gaping disparity between my ancient genetic programming and my modern evolved mental self.


The sadest (to me) part of this whole paradigm is that this pattern of suffering mothers is probably only going to increase in numbers and intensity as our culture moves farther and farther from the need of human animals to live in extended family groups/villages in which the young, strong and healthy bear the children, while the elder aunts, uncles and grandparents raise them.


So where does that leave all and each of us today?


I don't know.


I have working with a Homeopathist and her remedies seem to be helping.


I wish you all love and a good night's sleep.


With Gratitude for your honest sharing,"
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"Thank you for posting this, I have felt so hopeless recently I have a 4yr old whome I do love but sometimes I get so depressed but feel obligated to stay. I love my husband but I feel so disconnected from him too. I just feel overwhelmingly unhappy. I have tried to cheer myself up but nothing seems to work. I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way."
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"I'm so happy to find that others feel this way. I never wanted to have children - it's not that i didn't like them - it's just that i loved my free time and was happy with my life. My husband and I had been together for 14 years and he always wanted children but said he was OK with whatever I wanted to do. At 35 I decided to take a chance because I was on the fence with the whole idea and i thought it was now or never - to my surprise i was pregnant within a month. I love my daughter with all of my heart - but I hate it when people say "I bet you forget what life was like before her!" - no, I don't. maybe it was because my husband and I had been together for years before - but i think of my life before her quite fondly - and i think of it quite often. I also know how you feel about being isolated. We live a few states away from our family and we have few friends in this town. So, thank you for posting this. At least I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. "
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"I know exactly how you feel because I have been dealing with these emotions which have probably increased over the last two years. I truly thought I was alone in these feelings and it's not easy dealing with these feelings even today as I type this. There is not one aspect of motherhood I've enjoyed not even since pregnancy. and I have been doing it alone since day one which probably adds to the frustration and probably somewhat depression I feel on most days. Not really sure where to go, anyone I try to talk to doesn't understand and probably makes me feel even worse for feeling this way. They automatically think that I dislike my daughter and that's not what I'm saying. I love my daughter, I just don't want to be the one to raise her. I can't imagine her not being here and the fact that I gave her life is probably all I can give her. She's a good kid, very happy and energetic and I probably feel worse that she has a mother who doesn't enjoy what she is doing but I do love my daughter. I really don't want to feel this way but from the women who do enjoy motherhood, I feel emptiness, I feel disconnect, I feel lonliness and sadness, I truly can't imagine relating to this feeling of bliss. I don't want anymore kids and constantly consider having my tubes tied and while I am in my early 30's, I'm still considered young to have such a surgery . I realize the judgement of others is truly what causes this issue to be so "taboo" but it also perpetuates the negative feelings because we have no outlet to voice our frustrations, thoughts, feelings. I think it's unfair for others to judge and make statements that you should have never had sex or shouldn't decided to become a mom if you don't enjoy it, but while I never really looked forward to kids, I didn't think I would dislike it this much. Didn't think it would cause such a loss of desire, loss of myself and maybe it is selfishness but if I had to do it over again I wouldn't and vow not to repeat going down that road again.



Don't know if this post helps or is more intense that what most ladies had previously posted but knowing that I'm not alone adds a little peace to my day."
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"I am 42 years old with 3 children. Now aged 6, 3 and 21 months. The first 2 years my first child was born were really great. She was an amazing baby who slept through the night....but then 2 hit and so did the "monsters" from then on until she was 6, I was up with her 4 or 5 times a night because of "monsters". Put that together with having a second child who suffers from repeated night terrors almost on a nightly basis and a 21 month old who has never slept more than a couple of hours consequetively and you have one CRANKY MOMMY!!



I am miserable. I hate my life. I love my children to the ends of the earth and beyond. Would gladly be consumed by alive by a grizzly bear to protect them but if I had it all to do over again, would I? Not likely. I love being a mom but I hate the "job". Sibling rivarly drives me up the wall, the lack of sleep makes me a zombie. My house is disgusting, my laundry is in piles on the floor. My 21 month old clings to me like I am a life preserver he can't let go of. I feel like I am trapped under water and no one will let me up for a breath of air.


I resent the fairtytale that was fed to us about motherhood and how you dare not admit that it is far less than perfect. I have received flack for standing up and saying...this is NOT my ideal life!


I am hearing people say it gets worse not better. I'm saying it can't possibly get any worse than it already is. If it does they will have lock me up in a padded cell..........come to think of it, that sounds pretty nice....padded walls, silence, chance to be alone...where do I sign up?"
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"I am so glad I found this post. I have been feeling the same way since the birth of my son seven months ago and thought I must be the most terrible person in the world.



I used to the a student on the path to medical school and I had a job that I loved and dealt with everyday life while my husband was in Iraq. I thought I had it all figured out and was not worried about becoming a mom, thinking it would only enrich my life even more and provide that little puzzle that was missing - beign educated, having a loving husband, working and being a mom who adores her beautiful baby.


And then reality hit - I have not slept more than four hours straight for about a year and I am exhausted dealing with my son's constant crying, neediness, desire to play, cuddle, eat, poop, sleep. Of course, I love and adore him. He is all I could ask for, but I am so tired of living my life for him. I barely get enough time to take a shower because he constantly wants to be pampered. I work from home now, but I can only get things done when he takes a nap, so I do not even get a chance to take a break during the day. My husband barely helps around the house and has gotten used to me being the one taking care of all of the chores (at least I try to). I do talk to him about my frustration, but I don't think he understands the problem fully. I am simply drained and dissatisfied with who I have become.


I have plans to return to college when my child is a bit older and we have a little more stability in our lives. However, I still doubt whether this will happen. At this point, I feel that I am becoming more tired, exhausted and stupid every second. I have no stimulating interaction and the constant noise of toys and whining and baby sounds has driven me to the point where I can barely concentrate on anything. I am simply too tired.


I hope it gets better, but I hear people say it will only get worse. Although it sounds harsh, I feel that I have ruined my life and what I had going for me and am now doomed to stay locked up in the house with a kid all day until he becomes a teenager and does not need me around anymore - and by that time all of my chances of becoming something or someone I would want to be are done and I will feel utterly useless.


Whew, it feels good to let this out :)
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"I so understand you all. I love my kids... and it makes me really, really sad that they have me for a mother. I had a really good life going before I had the kids. I had finally finished my degree and had started my career. I played sports and had a lot of fun. But I hit my 30's and started panicking about the kid thing. I never really wanted them but like a prev commenter, I was scared I would miss the boat and then realize I wanted them.



If I could go back in time... I so wouldn't have them. I try... I really do... but the husband is barely ever home and it had been a really, really stupid mistake to marry him anyway. He rarely helps out but then criticizes if I need a minute to myself or a hand with the kids.


But my biggest problem is that my son drives me insane. My daughter is so laid back... her and I can hang out all day and I love being her mom... it's fun and I feel like a compitent mom with her. But as soon as my son gets home from preschool, it's bedlam again. He's so hyper (my daughter picks up on this and joins in). He is constantly moving and barely sleeps and annoying. That boy is so freakin' annoying! He's like Stewy, "Mom, mom, mom, mommy, momomom..." He's always got to be fighting with his sister or constantly asking 10,000 questions (most he just asked two seconds ago). And I feel incredibly guilty because I grew up with my mom showing way more love and affection for my brother than me... and I'm so scared I"m going to do that to my son because... I just don't want to be around him anymore. I don't have the energy or the patience. I truly believe he could be a great kid for a different type of mom. One who wants to be a mom.


I keep seeing job positions in my field that are over seas or have 70% travel and my fingers actually itch with the desire to email them my resume."
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"Hubby and I couldn't have kids for 10 years then I got pregnant and was 36. Have had 2 kids and now pushing 40. We are a practicing Catholic family. I quit an amazing job and we were living overseas having a great life when I became pregnant. I became a stay-at-home mom, had natural births (one at home), use cloth diapers, attachment parenting techniques, breastfeeding, looking at homeschooling, etc. Did everything I thought I was supposed to do. I had a terrible childhood and didn't want this for my children. Been at this for almost 3 years now. Guess what.....I HATE IT!! Tried praying till I am blue in the face, took anti-depressents, tried "mommy" groups, took up hobbies.... I am still miserable. I want the terrific life a i had back...now!! I worked my whole life so hard to earn that life and lost it overnight! God forgive me. I wish I loved mothering and building a home but I can't fake it! I am physically breaking down under the stress and so is my husband. We love our children but it has ruined our lives. I feel so incredibly guilty evening thinking this. I can't just "cut and run" however. Couldn't even stand the thought of turning the kids over to someone else.......but I can't seem to shake these feelings. Do they ever go away? My life is just passing me buy...there must be some joy soon......"
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"...The best thing we can do for each other as women and parents is to share our feelings. I'm quite honest these days with other moms and you know what? They are all stresed out, exhausted, pissed, resentful, etc...They all spill the beans eventually. Just some more than others. I'm in a multiples group and it's the best becasue we all bitch about what we have to deal with and laugh at the same time. When you can vent with out being judged it helps so much. Of course, we all have those deliriously happy perfecto moms we all hate. But guess what? Behind closed doors they are crying and stressed out too. And...thru the group and by friending them on FB, I found out that are the ones that drink the most. So, some people show their unhappiness, other wait until they get home to drown it. Don't compare yorself to other moms too much. It's just their brave face they've got on. I've got one too. I can't go around with a scowl on my face, although, it would be much easier. Nope, I have to try for my kids and some days I get through it ok. Mostly, I'm emotionally shut off in order to cope."
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"I'M SO HAPPY I'M NOT ALONE. I love my kids and my husband is great, but i had dreams, a life, a personality they came along. i feel like my life is over, i don't even know who i am anymore. I have three kids 8months, 2yrs and 7yrs. I'm a stay at home mom and its driving me crazy. I don't sleep, idon't get any time to myself, my husband works all day by the time he gets home the kids are either sleep or going to sleep, so he gets the fun part of parenting and i get the worst...... my life is not suppose to be like this..... i'm just so angry"
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Another Installment from the Regretful Moms

The "I Hate Being a Mom" thread on the Secret Confessions web site is still going strong.  Here are some choice recent posts. 

"I’m so glad I found this site! I’ve been sitting here so miserable and depressed hating my life. Did I mention I FEEL ALONE AND ISOLATED??? I felt so ashamed for the way I feel hating staying home with my kids (and resenting my kids). They whine, cry, mess up the house and I’m ready to throw them out the window lol Not really but I want some God Damed time to myself! I’m older and stupid me started over and ended up having a special needs kid, then another who is still on the boob at 2 years old. I’m tired of dealing with food allergies, special diets and a stupid husband who went out trying to find somebody else to **** behind my back! I wish I could do that cause boy am I sick of this life. I have no identity, no longer have work experience and HATE HATE HATE my life! I can’t wait until my grow the **** up and move out but by then, I will be old and washed up! It sucks going through menopause and raising little kids! THANK GOD FOR MENOPAUSE cause I NEVER EVER want another kid! Boy, that felt good to get out! Oh, and I NEVER GET A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so sick and ******* tired of staring at the same four walls 24/7/365 And my husband wonders why I’m so miserable!"
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"Yes I feel the same as you. Like completely knocked out and frazzled. I hate the feelings of most days having literally no strength and energy and feeling so weak. Other people just don’t seem to understand the feelings of fatigue and how bad it is. I try and see my Doctor, no matter who it is no help whatsoever. They don’t give you any medication to help. You feel bored and unfufilled, angry, snappy and irritable on a daily basis. Sometimes I just wish my life would end. It’s a never ending drag on your energy. I wish I could just piss off by myself to a Desert Island for a while but that’s not a choice due to never having any money. So you’re trapped in the cycle of poverty and that’s even with a partner who works full time for a living but gets zero to show for it after being taxed to death and working tax credits being reduced to a pitiful amount. His promotion actually did nothing to improve our finances, they’re worse despite apparently his salary going up. It’s a never ending beating for parents. I like this page you can rant away anonymously."
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"I hear ya sister, i hate motherhood too, and I can relate to most of what you write… Not sure what to do about it, but I end up spending time in the middle of the night for myself – (after being woken by my child at 3am which annoys the hell out of me) – and then of course the next day I’m tired as hell and I get more angry, and it’s just a never ending cycle…. I wish I would have never had a child and I feel so bad for saying it, but it’s the damn truth."
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"I feel the same way. After I got pregnant, I realized I didn’t want the baby. I promised the dad I would never abort his children, and I thought we could make it work. We are both miserable with this child. One reason we split up was so that we could at least have some time to ourselves and enjoy a full night’s sleep twice a week.


Just this morning, I thought about how I used to pray for a miscarriage. Now I just can’t wait to get her out of the house. I work 3 nights gladly so that I don’t have to go through the ordeal of getting this 3 year old to bed.


I feel terrible about feeling this way, and I realized there must be other people who feel the same. There is such a conspiracy of silence about this, so we all feel horrible about it. But I wish I could go back in time and keep my IUD in. I miss that life so much. I only hope it gets better as she gets older."
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"Say that again. I hate being a mom and most days I wish I would have never met my husband and never had kids. I hate even more that I had this awful desire to be married with kids. If I knew then what I know now I would have ran from any relationship with anything that looked like a man and been happy all by my damn self."
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"I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND!!!! I hate my life to. I just feel sad and mad all the time! I don’t want to be a mom or wife anymore. I am so annoyed always having to do shit for everyone else. Cook clean..clean some more..and more and more. It never ends. I feel like my kids destroyed my body! I hate my life soooo much I some times just don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like a zombie. DON’T HAVE KIDS!!! BAD IDEA"
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"I constantly feel that if only someone had told me the truth, I would have spared myself and my husband this miserable life, and could have spared two beautiful children this disgusting world."
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"Oh my God! Thank you all for this. I thought I was the only one. You can never say these things to anyone because they would look at you like a circus freak! I hate who I am, that I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I’m exhaused all the time. I’ve become a great actress and when people ask me how I am and don’t I just love being a mom, I say I’m fine and being a mom is great. HUGE lie!! I also love going to work. I don’t really love my job, I’m just so happy to get out of the house and away from my child and he can be someone elses problem until 5:00 rolls around. I know this sounds horrible to most people…"
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" I hate being a parent on almost every single level. I love my daughter and will do anything for her, but of course my wife and I were married for 6 years before she got pregnant (unplanned, of course)…and she was excited and I was a wreck, because my wife is 4 years younger than me, she thought of it still as all fun and games, while I knew what kind of unbearable hell I was in for.

I saw friends growing up become shadows of what they once were after their kids were born. Once happy people are now broken, miserable individuals who hate what their lives have become but put on a happy face to keep themselves from becoming pariahs.

The childless people used to be the pariahs, but of course once we had our daughter now all I see is news articles about how all these studies are saying that childless couples are happier and live longer…yeah, thanks for that.

Either way, I love my daughter and that will never change. I hate what my life has become and am willing to accept responsibility so my daughter doesn’t grow up like those neglected kids who turn out to be gangbangers and criminals because their parents never taught them otherwise and hated them enough to allow them to turn out that way.

And yes, we can be great parents and still hate what our lives have become. Having children is not rewarding in the least, and at best it is an inescapable prison. When she’s old enough, I can only hope that we hid our resentment well enough for her to be successful in life.

And our best piece of advice to her will be to get her tubes tied so she never has to experience the miserable existence of parenthood. Go out, enjoy life, and don’t get saddled by kids.

I won’t be unhappy to not be a grandparent…and I’ve already scheduled a vasectomy to ensure this travesty never happens a second time to my already intolerable life.

Am I living a lie by saying I’m a good parent but hating my existence..of course. I wanted to be a parent about as bad as I wanted to be a cancer patient, but it happened, and I’ll be damned if my daughter suffers because of my personal feelings.

One day when she’s old enough to understand, I’ll explain to her the absolute and concentrated horror that is parenthood."
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"I am the daughter of a mother who hated being a parent. All through our upbringing she told my brother and I not to have kids. It was very hurtful to hear because she was essentially saying she wished she’d never had us, and for a child this is hard to understand and even harder to forgive. Needless to say, my mother and I never had a good relationship. While she wasn’t a bad parent (we got everything we wanted, we never got hit, got good educations and so on) we hated her for telling us how much it sucks to have kids. As we got older we grew more and more distant while she grew fonder of us. Today, my mother struggles to keep a relationship with my brother and I, while we could give a crap about spending time with her. The child inside of us is basically saying “Hey you didn’t want us, so now you don’t have us.” This has not been easy for her; she’s lonely and regrets saying that to her children. Bottom line is she can never make up for the first 25 years of our lives where she told us having kids is a nightmare. Also, I’d like to say we are successful both financially and in our relationships.

The lesson is this: The kids you wish weren’t around today may grow up to be really cool adults who you’ll want to spend time with. Or whom you will look to for senior care or who you will look to for financial help. When that day comes, don’t be surprised if they are not around.

Good luck!"
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"I hear you. I’ve become a complete shadow of what I once was. Having a child has f**ked up my life on pretty much every conceivable level and I spend each day trying to work out how to endure this for another 17 years and hide my own despair so that my daughter never knows that my life effectively ended when I gave birth to her. And yes – what is it with people asking me if I plan to have another. I plan to hack my head off with a spoon before I’d let that happen…"
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“I am so sad! i got married, bought a house so next step have kids “right” well it was a mistake. My two children are here now. I brought them into this world and i will love them and take care of them. But every day I feel “stuck & Sad” I feel like life is just passing me by. no life, no real friens i can count on. just cooking, cleaning, bath time, dropping kids off of school, bring them to dance, karate, gymnastics. WOW! this is not what i wanted. What happened to me?"
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"I’m glad I found this and to know I’m not the only one. I have a 3 month old baby and I love him but motherhood has destroyed my life and my soul. I am an empty, dead shell of a person. My body is disgusting. I read all these things that say you have to make time for yourself, etc, but what’s the point of that? I would just have to come back. I know I put myself in this position and I have to do the best I can to survive each day. I put on my happy face with my son and I play with him, smile, cuddle, etc. It’s not his fault, he didn’t ask to be born and I will do everything I can to make sure he never knows how I really feel. I want him to have a happy childhood even if I am miserable. If I could have one wish it would be to go back in time before I got pregnant, knowing what I know now, and just choose not to do it. If you are trying to decide whether or not to have kids…DON’T."
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"Don’t you HATE how they cannot leave you alone for one single second? I am constantly running (no exaggeration) from one room to another just to get some shit done. This is why my house is in such disarray, because I cannot accomplish ANYTHING with them around. I feel like a circus clown who’s always setting them up with some stupid damn toy or tv show then RUNNING to the kitchen to try and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher before the twins run in there and ruin the whole pathetic effort. I HATE THIS. It’s not cute, it doesn’t make me giggle and say “oh well, some day I’ll look back on this and laugh” and I most certainly NEVER say thiis pathetic mind-numbing phrase that we’ve all been subjected to our whole lives: “but they’re worth it. It goes by so fast.”. BULL!!! They are not ‘worth it’ and each day is the longest day of my life."
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"This just in: i’m currently on a business trip, my spouse let me know that our almost 2 year old daughter is very feverish and sick. I am returning home tomorrow so let the fun times begin. Trip to the doctor, battle to give her the medicine, difficult nights of sleep, constant irritability, etc. Woo freakin hoo. And that’s not counting us probably getting sick too afterwards.

Ah the joys of being a parent. I know it’s not her fault, i don’t blame her. But i still have to do the parent thing and pretend that I’m cool, in control, and supportive .. When all i want to do is run and scream and get my life back.

There’s always something with young kids, always that pressure, that weight on my shoulders, whether it’s illness, or tantrums, or busy schedules, etc. I can no longer take this, this is unbearable and inhumane. I want to press “pause” on parenthood and unpause whenever I can take some more, then pause again. But I guess this is called single parent with shared custody .. Not sure that this is a better way to go.

Help"
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"As I sit here in my once overly adorned pillowed king size bed..rocking my 11 week old baby girl to sleep. I google “I love my daughter but hate being a mother” and poof here this pops up. To my amazement I am not alone. I truly thought I must of missed the “mom gene” cause honestly everyday as I care for my baby I day dream of the life I once lived. I sit at my shore house on the weekends and look out to my old tanning chairs that are screaming my name. But then I look down and see the distorted striped belly that jiggles with hatred. No…no laying out for me. :( or when all I want is to
Just shower with out rushing and can’t help but think…hmmm I use to take 2 hours to get dressed. I was once a beautiful well educated girl who had lots of friends and shiny fast car and a hand full of guys in a contact list to call o days when I felt ewwy! Now my day begins and somehow in only 1 short year I am a fat jiggly woman with no makeup wait no shower. What’s make up? Sigh….:( my once perfect body has abandoned me. Where did I go?? Somehow in the midst of it all I got lost?, or discarded?? I love my daughter she’s beautiful and she’s my soul but I use to love me I use to enjoy me. And the truth is I just miss me. God…one more dirty bottle to wash one more dirty diaper to change one more toilet to clean or dinner to cook…alil more of me just washes away. And to top it off I also now have 3 unruly annoying step children to care for. One year 4 kids. I just want a bottle of oil my old bikini body a pair of head phones and a us weekly magazine…put me on a beach in the peace and quiet and then I’ll smile. No one ever told me that the minute she was born that who I was would die? Parenthood is a sham. Yes we love our children. Would most of us go to the end of the earth for them? OF COURSE!! but at the end of the day that doesn’t change the fact that there is a dirty unshowered exhausted worn out sad resentful mother standing in her house crying inside for just one more taste of what life used to be…hmmmmm….gotta go the baby is crying…….. :("
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"You are right. It’s a sham and we have all been lied too, either out of malice/manipulation or just people being numb/dumb/brainwashed. But you know what? Our moms did not have the Internet at our age. They could have never googled anything, because there was no google. Just think how many women we are going to help with sites like these. I honestly feel it’s a major revolution that we are right in the middle of. We’re going to help so many people cope who’ve had kids they shouldn’t have, and we have the opportunity to speak HONESTLY with our kids some day and NEVER pressure them into having kids or giving us “grandchildren” – ugh!!!!! I get so angry when I think of how many women in my family who KNOW me could have saved me from this – but didn’t – or – “couldn’t” because they didn’t have the words or thought it was taboo. Let’s end that. Let’s be the LAST generation who let’s their kids be totally bamboozled. You can be totally in love with your kids, as I am, but hate your life and be in absolute MOURNING for everything that children take away (steal) from your lives."
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"i am SOOOOOOOOO glad that someone made this thread. Maybe it will save people who are thinking of having a baby from making the most horrendous mistake of their lives. i get disgusted because so many of my friends and family pressured me into having a baby, saying “oh just have a baby it will end all your problems!”. i am 25, I got married right after i finished college and started an amazing career….everyone was like “have a baby have a baby” including my mom and all of our older family members and friends. i wish i could go back in time and SLAP them in the faces. they didn’t tell me that my life would END. i love my daughter because she is a precious innocent being, so i do everything for her and treat her like a princess BUT…ME? there is no more “ME” when u have a baby…I haven’t slept in almost a year now, sufferng from severe dleep deprivation because of a “colicy” baby who is now almost 9 months and STILL wakes up every 2 hours!!!! i am exhausted with dark bags under my eyes and i NEVER get to spend time alone with my husband any more….forget about travelling together any more….and i never get to go ANYWHERE by myself any more….i used to enjoy running by the beach in the morning, going to the book store/coffee shop, reading, going to the beach after work with my hubby, going out for dinner dates or even for drinks on weekdays with friends or hubby….now its like we are in a PRSION! me and my hubby love each other so much but we are falling apart because we no longer can do anything TOGETHER if one of us wants to do something we have to take turns watching the crying baby!!!! i havent seen a movie or done ANYTHING in about 7 months….its all about this crying screaming spoiled baby… no matter what u do to make them happy u cannot! babies cannot do ANYTHING by themselves not even BREATHE, so u have to be catering to them every second of every day…and all i hear all day is this little brat crying her head off for no reason…i dance for her, play with her, take her for walks and drives, feed her all kinds of different good foods….its like im a 24 hour SLAVE…when she finally falls asleep its like THANK GOD..and then 1 hour later she is awake crying again!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! she’s over 20 lbs and i still have to carry her around all day and i actually tore my right bicep…OH and another thing, i hardly gained any weight during preganncy and so now that she’s 9 months i am even skinnier than my pre-pregnancy weight, so thats not my problem BUT i have developed these disgusting man arms with big nasty muscles from having to carry this needy baby everywhere every second!!! so now my body looks unprportional like someone who lifts weights obsessively. oh and another thing people dont tell u–its virtually IMPOSSIBLE to find childcare. i wanted to go back to work but the only childcare we could find for a baby under a year old is 1200 a month!!!!!! thats more than my college tuition was!!! having a baby was the most horrendously disgusting experience of my life and anyone who says otherwise is a LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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"don’t ever give in to the pressure! don’t let people tell you that it will answer your problems. society and our families try to mislead us to believe its some amazingly enlightening experience to have a kid when in reality all it is, is jlike having a 24-hour torturous job that you hate but are forced to do.
not ONE part of raising a baby is fun or rewarding. people will tell you its rewarding and worth it when you see your child grow, these people are in denial….yea sure, its rewarding until they start crying/screaming their head off at you like a maniac at 3 in the morning and nothing will get them to stop… and you haven’t slept in months and are so tird you could fall over! there are times when i almost fell down the stairs at 2 a.m. getting my daughter a bottle to try to get her back to sleep because i was so tired/over-worked/sleep deprived! THAT is the reality! the lies of society are just unbelievable! i won’t lie to anyone who askss me what its like to have a kid. i will tell everyone that i meet the pure truth. no one deserves to be lied to and misled!"
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"I didnt sign up for this. I envy my childless friends and wish I could go back and do it over – I would not have gone this route. I want to talk to a therapist. Everyday I am filled with regret, and I feel so bad that I take my anger and frustrations out on my daughter who does not deserves this at all. I just want to overcome this and feel normal again. I want to love doing this as so many other moms do. I want to cherish these moments and want us to be the best of friends. Not blame her for ruining my life.

I do know that I will never have any kids again and I feel bad for the next man who walks into my life wanting kids because it will never happen!"
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"I haven’t found a solution. I grab my moments of peace (and they are few and far between) when I can, and daydream of that day when my daughter MOVES OUT!!! And try very hard NOT to think about the fact that I will be in my mid-forties, if I’m still alive. I mean, I even dread the possibility of grandchildren, and having them thrust upon me in my later years. A stiff cocktail on my days off take the edge off a bit, and I am a bit more patient with my daughter and willing to look for the bright side in all of this, but it is a very temporary solution and not practical in the long run. I stay at work long enough to where I’m pretty sure by daughter has already been bathed, fed, and is in bed, and on those particular occasions when my husband is a little late with her nighttime routine and I walk in the house filthy, hot and exhausted and find her still running around with messy hair and stained clothes from a day of playing in the dirt it ruins my whole night and I’m sure the distaste and disappointment is evident on my face. I DREAD her birthday and Christmastime because of the hoops I am expected to jump through- I feel very uncomfortable around other parents and children and I know my daughter looks forward to parties and cake and friends and whatever, and I am loathe to disappoint her, but I literally have nightmares about these occassions and have anxiety attacks prior to any of these miserable events. And when she comes out of her room with a bratty, teary face after a nap and lays on my husband and he baby-talks to her and rubs her back it makes me want to PUKE. She has started to get into a habit of lying, and sometimes I relish the fact that she is misbehaving so I have an excuse to send her to her room. God, I feel awful about this, but how can we help how we FEEL??? Please, let me know if you or ANYONE has found a way to cope! I’m thinking maybe prescription medication??? But then I couldn’t do my job. I’m at a loss… I have basically conceded to the fact that I will be unhappy for most of the next 14 years. Unhappy, stressed out, and constantly JUDGED."

The Latest from the Regretful Moms

Here are some recent interesting posts from the moms posting on Secret Confessions on the "I Hate Being a Mom" page.  Hordes of moms continue to come forward to admit the horrors of motherhood.

"I hate being a mum too… I mean I love my son, whos 11 now, and I have made it this far.. But, Man, I have loathed all the bloody repetition of constant mess and house work. I hate that I cant go anywhere as I have to be back by 3 pm every day. I hate that Everything nice or new or cleaned, just gets trashed by kids lack of thinking about what theyre doing..I feel like im awaiting the end of a very long arduous jail sentence…And the worst part is… I hate feeling this way.. I want to be a happy mum.. i want to enjoy this journey more.. but the reality of the closed in- ness of this lifestyle, is there to smack you in the face daily, no matter how much positive thinking and books I read on re-training your thoughts.. AARRGGHH, Then its all followed by Guilt.. Yay… Lovely and blissful isn’t it.."
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"Thank you for your interest and question. You are right, if you do not have children, you can not even begin to understand the love/hate, and how horrible and guilty we moms feel as we do this…and how much we want to/try to enjoy motherhood. But it is so overwhelming and exhausting, non-stop work and sacrifice every single day! (many times all day long, every single day!)


Do I love my children and that is why I sacrifice all I have and everything that I am for them? = Yes.


If I could go back in time and “do it all over again” and NOT have kids would I do that? = Yes.


I really think that part of this oxymoron is only primitive, animal-like survival instict…like a mother bear attacking anyone that is near her cubs.


I think that pull/drive to have children, or that “ticking biological clock”, is only survival instict too."
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"Undecided-


You have so much insight and are exactly right about so many things! All the concerns you have are 100% valid and real. It seems like you may have already answered your own question.


I can’t believe there is still such pressure to have kids! Is is 2011 or are we suck in 1950? You can not control those who are critical or judgemental of your childfree life. Do you want to let their negative words or opinions of you affect your life? (especially on such a major, life-altering decision?) Other people have referenced happilychildfree.com as a good source of info.


And you, like many women,….are concerned about “missing out” on something by not having kids. But, are you as concerned about all you will miss out on by having them???


I was concerned about missing out too, but now that I have kids, I am the one who is totally missing out on life!!


I am missing out on little things like: sleep, regular showers, eating a meal in peace while actually sitting down, NOT tripping over toys, wearing a clean shirt for a whole hour with no drool or food on it….


I am missing out on big things like: my freedom, my independence, quality and quantity time with my husband, tons of money, my career (you are right, the woman’s life is changed so much more), my body, my social life…


I used to have hobbies, interests, workout several time per week and be full of energy, volunteer, read and be aware of current events, travel and experience new places/cultures, be good at my job…now ALL of those are GONE…ALL GONE!


The toll on a woman’s body is huge! I have been dealing with pain, incontinence and sexual problems for over 2 years! I had so much damage from the birth process (just a large baby who forcefully ripped my flesh and pelvis apart). I am an average-size person who is in good health and of appropriate weight-just bad luck/physics. I have been to doctors, specialists, a chiropracter, tried drugs and alternative medicines. All have helped a little, but I just want to be pain-free, be able to hold my pee, enjoy sex with my husband again. When women say how horrible the recovery from a c-section is, I tell my story. Do they have problems like I do? do they have any probelms for years and years due to their c-section? Pregnancy and birth are HORRIBLE!


In addition, there is no guarantee that anyone will have a healthy pregnancy, a “normal” baby, or fully recover your body from pregnancy & birth. It is a huge gamble…you throw the dice and you are stuck with whatever you get. You said your heart condition *probably* will not be a problem, but it certainly will not help your chances of everything going well for you and a baby, can it?? Have you told the people who question/judge your childfree life, that you have this heart condition and it could be a big problem for you during pregnancy and birth?


I sincerly hope that YOU make the decisions for YOUR life that are right for YOU!!! May you ignore and deflect all questioning or criticizm of your life choices. May you have much peace about your decisions! :)"
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"Wow, have just discovered this website and just reading that other people feel the same is a huge comfort. I am so sorry especially for the mums with the children with special needs or those that are ill – I can only feel for you as you have so much additionally work on top of everything that others/me are coping with. Also, I think it’s important to say that we all love our children very much I am sure but I really do think being married and having kids is a HUGE MYTH!!!! I can’t believe that as little girls this is what most of us head towards full of excitement and joy. Although I love my children very much, the happiest times of my life were spent with my husband alone….I had a good job, a great social life and a nice tidy house! And the biggest thing I miss is just doing my own thing…..sleeping in until late, going out until late, going for country walks and stopping by a pub for lunch, going to the cinema if i wanted and staying out for a pizza….and the holidays,,,,sleeping by the pool and reading books……all of these things I miss so much and wish had I known what real life was like with kids. I wish I had waited until I was in my late 30′s to start having babies…maybe I wouldn’t feel so resentful then???


I have three young boys and life is just one wheel of exhaustion and routine. The endless round of domestic chores – feeding, washing and clearing up just never ever ends. I literally feel like I spend my whole life doing it. In an effort to retain my mental health I got myself a p/t job…..it’s been amazing but also has increased my stress levels no end….I end up doing the domestic chores after doing a p/t job that used to be done by a full-time person and often I don’t get to bed until midnight as I also take work home with me as there just aren’t enough hours in the day to do it when the house is quiet but oh the irony as more often than not some one wakes at 11pm crying so I never get it done….it’s those moments that I really think I am going mad…..being a mother is a 24hrs a day, 7 days a week job…..it’s like being on call all of the time. I miss my old life so much. I look in the mirror and see how much I have aged, I am tired and exhausted all the time and am eating badly just to get me through each day…..I’ve had some really terrible thoughts like walking out of the door and never coming back but I think the guilt would kill me, so the next best option would be to end my own life…..but I’m such a coward I would never really do it…..I just ‘dream’ of being able to sleep and not wake up to a messy house and people fighting. I read about a lawyer a few months ago, who had just returned to work after her third daughter and she threw herself over into the Thames river in London. All I could think was how sad for her family but I did understand ‘why’ she did it. She must have felt so over whelmed with it all….a job, three young kids, a husband, a house to run…..I understand her.


I have thought about going to the doctors to get some some medication to help me….I really want to enjoy this stage of my life but I can’t I hate it.


My anxiety is also getting really bad. I feel shaky and sick when I’m out with them all…..people running everywhere, screaming and shouting, I hate it. I literally panic and want to burst into tears, fall to the floor and have someone take care of ME for a while. I wonder if anyone here has started taking antidepresants??? Please share. I worry about taking them though as when I’m not with the children i.e out or at work, I feel fine so do I really want to go down that road???


I hope our situation improves for us all. I think when the children are older life will get easier so it’s a case of hanging on and waiting. I just feel so sorry for my kids too. I’m a crap mother and I wish I could be happy for them and my husband.


xxxx"
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"I wasn’t sure if I wanted children either. Until my fiance and I were faced with pregnancy. I too was surrounded by what appeared to be very happy parents and often heard “It’s the best thing that ever happened to me” or “I don’t know where I would be without my son or daughter”. With all the hype I was pretty excited about my baby! Well, my excitement was short lived when I realized what a pain in the ass they are. It wasn’t the sweet serene images I had of my daughter and I sitting on a couch telling stories, loving and respecting each other. Or the glorified stories told by other parents about their children. How naive I was.I could have been in college right now. My life is so unproductive now. The only thing I’ve done so far is reproduce! I haven’t had the time or money to finish my own college education and now I have to start saving for someone else’s. I don’t own a home and can’t afford to on my crappy salary. My savings isn’t very impressive and I can’t go out and do many of the things I love until my daughter is old enough to come too. Having a daughter taught me a lot about myself I don’t like. More important it taught me to never do this again! The not so good things I’ve learned about myself as a parent along the way that 85% of moms can appreciate:


cooking for a picky eater sucks and I refuse to


cook more for someone who’s just being ridiculous in the first place,


I am not humble,


What is dignity?,


I am NOT a morning person,


I want to be truly appreciated for what I do and that is something a child will never do (willingly),


I don’t want to share and have to hide to eat anything,


if I hear “MOM…?” One more time I might run away,


I need time-outs too!,


If she is a reflection of us as her parents, so far, we are screwed!,


I wish I had gotten a dog instead because they cause LESS damage to your personal property and social services won’t show up if it trips down the stairs,


But most of all… THERE IS NO ESCAPE!


LOL! Seriously, my daughter is 6 and although I would do anything for her, if I had known how much skill it required to be a mom, I wouldn’t have done it. Just plain honesty. I’m not a natural at this! Please don’t tell us how awful we are, not everyone was meant to be a mom and I’ll be willing to bet that those who weren’t and do have children thought they would have been! You just never know until you take the leap. This is a safe place to vent without damaging anyone. I’d recommend a dog."
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"I AM A SINGLE MOTHER OF THREE ADULT CHILDREN. UNTIL THE LAST YEAR OR TWO I LOVED BEING A MOTHER. WE HAD LOTS OF FUN TOGETHER, DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. I DID ATTEMPT TO RAISE MY CHILDREN TO BE INDEPENDENT. NOW MY OLDEST HAS COMPLETED COLLEGE, HAS A FULL TIME JOB, WHICH SHE GOT THREE DAYS POST GRADUATION, AND HAS MOVED BACK HOME AFTER BEING ON CAMPUS FOR FOUR YEARS. SHE HAS YET TO CONTRIBUTE ONE DIME TO MY HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES BUT EVERY WEEK SHE HAS HER GROCERY LIST READY FOR MY SHOPPING TRIP. IT’S DARN NEAR IMPOSIBLE TO SAY ANYTHING TO HER BCUZ SHE TAKES EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY. I HAD TO TELL HER TO DO SOME CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE BCUZ SHE WILL DO NOTHING. I FEEL LIKE MY KIDS R GROWN AND THIS IS SOMETHING I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO. I FEEL LIKE IF U SEE SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE DO IT. MY YOUNGEST WHO IS ALSO GROWN STILL LIVES AT HOME, GOES TO COLLEGE FULL TIME. I UNDERSTAND SHE IS USE TO HAVING THE HOUSE TO HERSELF, BUT NOW MY OLDEST DAUGHTER IS HOME AND EVERYTHING IS A FIGHT. AND I DO MEAN EVERYTHING. MY THIRD CHILD MOVED OUT TWO YEARS AGO, RECONNECTED WITH HIS DAD AND I HAVEN’T SEEN OR SPOKE TO HIM IN ABOUT THAT LONG. HE HAS POSTED ON THE INTERNET THAT I AM A LIAR WHO KEPT HIM FROM HIS FATHER ALL THESE YEARS. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. I’M JUST HOPING THAT SOMEDAY SOON HE WILL START TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. MY CHILDREN HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE CENTER OF MY LIFE.ONE OF MY FRIENDS SAID TO ME WHEN ME CHILDREN WHERE YOUNGER, IF SHE EVER HIT THE LOTTERY SHE WOULD GIVE ME A MILLION DOLLARS BCUZ I WORK SO HARD AT ATTEMPTING TO RAISE MY KIDS RIGHT. NOTHING AND/OR NOONE CAME BEFORE THEM. I AWAYS LOOK OUT FOR WHAT I THOUGHT WAS THEIR BEST INTEREST. I NEVER RAISED THEM EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN, BUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME I NEVER, EVER EXPECTED THIS. IF I COULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN I WOULD NEVER HAVE CHILDREN."
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"my kids are 7 & 8 and i have nothing of my own. my daughter takes things of mine and whenever i go to find a hair brush, or sunglasses or even tweezers, they are gone. there is no privacy whatsoever. i can’t go to the bathroom without being interrupted.


i can never speak to anyone in my house because apparently i don’t have anything interesting enough to say, so i am constantly interrupted. i don’t talk to my kids or my husband anymore, outside of the day to day BS. i’m tired and i’m so sorry i ever got myself into this. because the kids were born so close together i now have an autoimmune disease that i will have for the rest of my life. i’m sick all the time and no one can help me.


i had the greatest life anyone could wish for before the kids. i had my own business and people were lined up at the door throwing money at me hand over fist. my dh and i vacationed at least four times a year and could do whatever we wanted, when we wanted. i was happy …we were happy. and now everything we do is for them. i try to raise them well, giving them love and respect and even a fun time. and last night while at dinner i asked my oldest not to interrupt me while i’m speaking and he turns and says to me, “i hate you.”


well. i don’t hate him. i love him and i love my family but i really hate the choice i made. this is the biggest mistake i’ve ever made for myself. growing up my family had nothing and i made myself into something and everything has been taken from me.


if you don’t have kids and are thinking about it. don’t do it. just don’t even go there."
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"I really understand what you are saying – I stuggled for a long time with the decision of having kids and was afraid of making the “wrong” choice. I wish I had heard the piece of wisdom, posted by someone else on this site (i think her name was “g”?) She said something like – if you are so undecided, or go back and forth on it, then you probably really do not want to have kids. I totally agree with this and wish I could go back in time and tell it myself before having kids!!


Parenting takes 110% of you (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially…) so you have to really want it with 110% of yourself.


Also, I really think that much of the pull/drive/interest in having children is simply primitive survival instinct. It is the desire/need to reproduce, or to care for the young of our species, that all other living things have. I suggest that you, listen to your own brain and what you know is right for you and your husband. Do NOT let your hormones/”mother nature”/ticking “biological clock” make your decisions for you.


And you are right about pregnancy, birth, and the first 5 years, all are horrible. I find that many of the frustrated moms posting here and on other sites have small, needy, messy kids (like mine, ages 2 and 4). Some people say “it gets better” when they get older and more independent. However there are some moms who are at the end of their rope with thier older kids….some people say “little kids=little problems, but big kids=big problems”. While I am looking forward to my kids being older (and, for example, being done with diapers and butt-wiping), I am concerned about what stage comes next. Parens of teenagers are so often complaining about how their teens are driving them crazy! (Again, they are just in a physically, hormonally, nerologically changing time, and it sucks to parent a physiological storm.)


One final note on decisions (and this may not apply to you at all). I am a person who makes decisions carefully, thoughtfully, weighing the pros & cons. I know that if we had chosen to not have kids, I would have always wondered if it was the right decision, wondered if I would regret not having them, even though we would have continued to be very happy and enjoing life without them. But, now that we have kids, I KNOW that we made the wrong decision, for us.


I sincerely hope that you find peace in whichever path you choose and much happiness."
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"Yes, I think it helps me to “get it out”, as well as see how many other moms feel this way and know that I am not crazy. The only crazy thing I did was believe the LIES about the “bundle of joy” and how wonderfully fullfilling parenting is, hard work and all!


The crazy people are those who put any pressure, judgement, or look down on women who are child-free by choice. You are right, where can we turn? Where can we say I hate being a mom, or even, I wish I never had kids?? I too already feel guilty about the crappy job I am doing as a mom – I do not need criticizm from anyone else.


Now I feel so strongly about doing what I can to be honest about how much this whole motherhood thing sucks. What also helps me is to see that some other women have commented on how this site, and honesty from moms, has confirmed their choice to NOT have kids. I am truly happy for them, happy that they are free to do something productive with their lives… even though it does not directly get me out of my daily hell.


Any little thing helps me feel a tiny bit better, albeit anonymously online, helps me get through another day. Hope it helped you too."
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If you'd like to read more from regretful parents, click here.