Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Another Installment from the Regretful Moms

The "I Hate Being a Mom" thread on the Secret Confessions web site is still going strong.  Here are some choice recent posts. 

"I’m so glad I found this site! I’ve been sitting here so miserable and depressed hating my life. Did I mention I FEEL ALONE AND ISOLATED??? I felt so ashamed for the way I feel hating staying home with my kids (and resenting my kids). They whine, cry, mess up the house and I’m ready to throw them out the window lol Not really but I want some God Damed time to myself! I’m older and stupid me started over and ended up having a special needs kid, then another who is still on the boob at 2 years old. I’m tired of dealing with food allergies, special diets and a stupid husband who went out trying to find somebody else to **** behind my back! I wish I could do that cause boy am I sick of this life. I have no identity, no longer have work experience and HATE HATE HATE my life! I can’t wait until my grow the **** up and move out but by then, I will be old and washed up! It sucks going through menopause and raising little kids! THANK GOD FOR MENOPAUSE cause I NEVER EVER want another kid! Boy, that felt good to get out! Oh, and I NEVER GET A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so sick and ******* tired of staring at the same four walls 24/7/365 And my husband wonders why I’m so miserable!"

"Yes I feel the same as you. Like completely knocked out and frazzled. I hate the feelings of most days having literally no strength and energy and feeling so weak. Other people just don’t seem to understand the feelings of fatigue and how bad it is. I try and see my Doctor, no matter who it is no help whatsoever. They don’t give you any medication to help. You feel bored and unfufilled, angry, snappy and irritable on a daily basis. Sometimes I just wish my life would end. It’s a never ending drag on your energy. I wish I could just piss off by myself to a Desert Island for a while but that’s not a choice due to never having any money. So you’re trapped in the cycle of poverty and that’s even with a partner who works full time for a living but gets zero to show for it after being taxed to death and working tax credits being reduced to a pitiful amount. His promotion actually did nothing to improve our finances, they’re worse despite apparently his salary going up. It’s a never ending beating for parents. I like this page you can rant away anonymously."

"I hear ya sister, i hate motherhood too, and I can relate to most of what you write… Not sure what to do about it, but I end up spending time in the middle of the night for myself – (after being woken by my child at 3am which annoys the hell out of me) – and then of course the next day I’m tired as hell and I get more angry, and it’s just a never ending cycle…. I wish I would have never had a child and I feel so bad for saying it, but it’s the damn truth."

"I feel the same way. After I got pregnant, I realized I didn’t want the baby. I promised the dad I would never abort his children, and I thought we could make it work. We are both miserable with this child. One reason we split up was so that we could at least have some time to ourselves and enjoy a full night’s sleep twice a week.

Just this morning, I thought about how I used to pray for a miscarriage. Now I just can’t wait to get her out of the house. I work 3 nights gladly so that I don’t have to go through the ordeal of getting this 3 year old to bed.

I feel terrible about feeling this way, and I realized there must be other people who feel the same. There is such a conspiracy of silence about this, so we all feel horrible about it. But I wish I could go back in time and keep my IUD in. I miss that life so much. I only hope it gets better as she gets older."

"Say that again. I hate being a mom and most days I wish I would have never met my husband and never had kids. I hate even more that I had this awful desire to be married with kids. If I knew then what I know now I would have ran from any relationship with anything that looked like a man and been happy all by my damn self."

"I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND!!!! I hate my life to. I just feel sad and mad all the time! I don’t want to be a mom or wife anymore. I am so annoyed always having to do shit for everyone else. Cook clean..clean some more..and more and more. It never ends. I feel like my kids destroyed my body! I hate my life soooo much I some times just don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like a zombie. DON’T HAVE KIDS!!! BAD IDEA"

"I constantly feel that if only someone had told me the truth, I would have spared myself and my husband this miserable life, and could have spared two beautiful children this disgusting world."

"Oh my God! Thank you all for this. I thought I was the only one. You can never say these things to anyone because they would look at you like a circus freak! I hate who I am, that I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I’m exhaused all the time. I’ve become a great actress and when people ask me how I am and don’t I just love being a mom, I say I’m fine and being a mom is great. HUGE lie!! I also love going to work. I don’t really love my job, I’m just so happy to get out of the house and away from my child and he can be someone elses problem until 5:00 rolls around. I know this sounds horrible to most people…"

" I hate being a parent on almost every single level. I love my daughter and will do anything for her, but of course my wife and I were married for 6 years before she got pregnant (unplanned, of course)…and she was excited and I was a wreck, because my wife is 4 years younger than me, she thought of it still as all fun and games, while I knew what kind of unbearable hell I was in for.

I saw friends growing up become shadows of what they once were after their kids were born. Once happy people are now broken, miserable individuals who hate what their lives have become but put on a happy face to keep themselves from becoming pariahs.

The childless people used to be the pariahs, but of course once we had our daughter now all I see is news articles about how all these studies are saying that childless couples are happier and live longer…yeah, thanks for that.

Either way, I love my daughter and that will never change. I hate what my life has become and am willing to accept responsibility so my daughter doesn’t grow up like those neglected kids who turn out to be gangbangers and criminals because their parents never taught them otherwise and hated them enough to allow them to turn out that way.

And yes, we can be great parents and still hate what our lives have become. Having children is not rewarding in the least, and at best it is an inescapable prison. When she’s old enough, I can only hope that we hid our resentment well enough for her to be successful in life.

And our best piece of advice to her will be to get her tubes tied so she never has to experience the miserable existence of parenthood. Go out, enjoy life, and don’t get saddled by kids.

I won’t be unhappy to not be a grandparent…and I’ve already scheduled a vasectomy to ensure this travesty never happens a second time to my already intolerable life.

Am I living a lie by saying I’m a good parent but hating my existence..of course. I wanted to be a parent about as bad as I wanted to be a cancer patient, but it happened, and I’ll be damned if my daughter suffers because of my personal feelings.

One day when she’s old enough to understand, I’ll explain to her the absolute and concentrated horror that is parenthood."

"I am the daughter of a mother who hated being a parent. All through our upbringing she told my brother and I not to have kids. It was very hurtful to hear because she was essentially saying she wished she’d never had us, and for a child this is hard to understand and even harder to forgive. Needless to say, my mother and I never had a good relationship. While she wasn’t a bad parent (we got everything we wanted, we never got hit, got good educations and so on) we hated her for telling us how much it sucks to have kids. As we got older we grew more and more distant while she grew fonder of us. Today, my mother struggles to keep a relationship with my brother and I, while we could give a crap about spending time with her. The child inside of us is basically saying “Hey you didn’t want us, so now you don’t have us.” This has not been easy for her; she’s lonely and regrets saying that to her children. Bottom line is she can never make up for the first 25 years of our lives where she told us having kids is a nightmare. Also, I’d like to say we are successful both financially and in our relationships.

The lesson is this: The kids you wish weren’t around today may grow up to be really cool adults who you’ll want to spend time with. Or whom you will look to for senior care or who you will look to for financial help. When that day comes, don’t be surprised if they are not around.

Good luck!"

"I hear you. I’ve become a complete shadow of what I once was. Having a child has f**ked up my life on pretty much every conceivable level and I spend each day trying to work out how to endure this for another 17 years and hide my own despair so that my daughter never knows that my life effectively ended when I gave birth to her. And yes – what is it with people asking me if I plan to have another. I plan to hack my head off with a spoon before I’d let that happen…"

“I am so sad! i got married, bought a house so next step have kids “right” well it was a mistake. My two children are here now. I brought them into this world and i will love them and take care of them. But every day I feel “stuck & Sad” I feel like life is just passing me by. no life, no real friens i can count on. just cooking, cleaning, bath time, dropping kids off of school, bring them to dance, karate, gymnastics. WOW! this is not what i wanted. What happened to me?"

"I’m glad I found this and to know I’m not the only one. I have a 3 month old baby and I love him but motherhood has destroyed my life and my soul. I am an empty, dead shell of a person. My body is disgusting. I read all these things that say you have to make time for yourself, etc, but what’s the point of that? I would just have to come back. I know I put myself in this position and I have to do the best I can to survive each day. I put on my happy face with my son and I play with him, smile, cuddle, etc. It’s not his fault, he didn’t ask to be born and I will do everything I can to make sure he never knows how I really feel. I want him to have a happy childhood even if I am miserable. If I could have one wish it would be to go back in time before I got pregnant, knowing what I know now, and just choose not to do it. If you are trying to decide whether or not to have kids…DON’T."

"Don’t you HATE how they cannot leave you alone for one single second? I am constantly running (no exaggeration) from one room to another just to get some shit done. This is why my house is in such disarray, because I cannot accomplish ANYTHING with them around. I feel like a circus clown who’s always setting them up with some stupid damn toy or tv show then RUNNING to the kitchen to try and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher before the twins run in there and ruin the whole pathetic effort. I HATE THIS. It’s not cute, it doesn’t make me giggle and say “oh well, some day I’ll look back on this and laugh” and I most certainly NEVER say thiis pathetic mind-numbing phrase that we’ve all been subjected to our whole lives: “but they’re worth it. It goes by so fast.”. BULL!!! They are not ‘worth it’ and each day is the longest day of my life."

"This just in: i’m currently on a business trip, my spouse let me know that our almost 2 year old daughter is very feverish and sick. I am returning home tomorrow so let the fun times begin. Trip to the doctor, battle to give her the medicine, difficult nights of sleep, constant irritability, etc. Woo freakin hoo. And that’s not counting us probably getting sick too afterwards.

Ah the joys of being a parent. I know it’s not her fault, i don’t blame her. But i still have to do the parent thing and pretend that I’m cool, in control, and supportive .. When all i want to do is run and scream and get my life back.

There’s always something with young kids, always that pressure, that weight on my shoulders, whether it’s illness, or tantrums, or busy schedules, etc. I can no longer take this, this is unbearable and inhumane. I want to press “pause” on parenthood and unpause whenever I can take some more, then pause again. But I guess this is called single parent with shared custody .. Not sure that this is a better way to go.


"As I sit here in my once overly adorned pillowed king size bed..rocking my 11 week old baby girl to sleep. I google “I love my daughter but hate being a mother” and poof here this pops up. To my amazement I am not alone. I truly thought I must of missed the “mom gene” cause honestly everyday as I care for my baby I day dream of the life I once lived. I sit at my shore house on the weekends and look out to my old tanning chairs that are screaming my name. But then I look down and see the distorted striped belly that jiggles with hatred. No…no laying out for me. :( or when all I want is to
Just shower with out rushing and can’t help but think…hmmm I use to take 2 hours to get dressed. I was once a beautiful well educated girl who had lots of friends and shiny fast car and a hand full of guys in a contact list to call o days when I felt ewwy! Now my day begins and somehow in only 1 short year I am a fat jiggly woman with no makeup wait no shower. What’s make up? Sigh….:( my once perfect body has abandoned me. Where did I go?? Somehow in the midst of it all I got lost?, or discarded?? I love my daughter she’s beautiful and she’s my soul but I use to love me I use to enjoy me. And the truth is I just miss me. God…one more dirty bottle to wash one more dirty diaper to change one more toilet to clean or dinner to cook…alil more of me just washes away. And to top it off I also now have 3 unruly annoying step children to care for. One year 4 kids. I just want a bottle of oil my old bikini body a pair of head phones and a us weekly magazine…put me on a beach in the peace and quiet and then I’ll smile. No one ever told me that the minute she was born that who I was would die? Parenthood is a sham. Yes we love our children. Would most of us go to the end of the earth for them? OF COURSE!! but at the end of the day that doesn’t change the fact that there is a dirty unshowered exhausted worn out sad resentful mother standing in her house crying inside for just one more taste of what life used to be…hmmmmm….gotta go the baby is crying…….. :("

"You are right. It’s a sham and we have all been lied too, either out of malice/manipulation or just people being numb/dumb/brainwashed. But you know what? Our moms did not have the Internet at our age. They could have never googled anything, because there was no google. Just think how many women we are going to help with sites like these. I honestly feel it’s a major revolution that we are right in the middle of. We’re going to help so many people cope who’ve had kids they shouldn’t have, and we have the opportunity to speak HONESTLY with our kids some day and NEVER pressure them into having kids or giving us “grandchildren” – ugh!!!!! I get so angry when I think of how many women in my family who KNOW me could have saved me from this – but didn’t – or – “couldn’t” because they didn’t have the words or thought it was taboo. Let’s end that. Let’s be the LAST generation who let’s their kids be totally bamboozled. You can be totally in love with your kids, as I am, but hate your life and be in absolute MOURNING for everything that children take away (steal) from your lives."

"i am SOOOOOOOOO glad that someone made this thread. Maybe it will save people who are thinking of having a baby from making the most horrendous mistake of their lives. i get disgusted because so many of my friends and family pressured me into having a baby, saying “oh just have a baby it will end all your problems!”. i am 25, I got married right after i finished college and started an amazing career….everyone was like “have a baby have a baby” including my mom and all of our older family members and friends. i wish i could go back in time and SLAP them in the faces. they didn’t tell me that my life would END. i love my daughter because she is a precious innocent being, so i do everything for her and treat her like a princess BUT…ME? there is no more “ME” when u have a baby…I haven’t slept in almost a year now, sufferng from severe dleep deprivation because of a “colicy” baby who is now almost 9 months and STILL wakes up every 2 hours!!!! i am exhausted with dark bags under my eyes and i NEVER get to spend time alone with my husband any more….forget about travelling together any more….and i never get to go ANYWHERE by myself any more….i used to enjoy running by the beach in the morning, going to the book store/coffee shop, reading, going to the beach after work with my hubby, going out for dinner dates or even for drinks on weekdays with friends or hubby….now its like we are in a PRSION! me and my hubby love each other so much but we are falling apart because we no longer can do anything TOGETHER if one of us wants to do something we have to take turns watching the crying baby!!!! i havent seen a movie or done ANYTHING in about 7 months….its all about this crying screaming spoiled baby… no matter what u do to make them happy u cannot! babies cannot do ANYTHING by themselves not even BREATHE, so u have to be catering to them every second of every day…and all i hear all day is this little brat crying her head off for no reason…i dance for her, play with her, take her for walks and drives, feed her all kinds of different good foods….its like im a 24 hour SLAVE…when she finally falls asleep its like THANK GOD..and then 1 hour later she is awake crying again!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! she’s over 20 lbs and i still have to carry her around all day and i actually tore my right bicep…OH and another thing, i hardly gained any weight during preganncy and so now that she’s 9 months i am even skinnier than my pre-pregnancy weight, so thats not my problem BUT i have developed these disgusting man arms with big nasty muscles from having to carry this needy baby everywhere every second!!! so now my body looks unprportional like someone who lifts weights obsessively. oh and another thing people dont tell u–its virtually IMPOSSIBLE to find childcare. i wanted to go back to work but the only childcare we could find for a baby under a year old is 1200 a month!!!!!! thats more than my college tuition was!!! having a baby was the most horrendously disgusting experience of my life and anyone who says otherwise is a LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"don’t ever give in to the pressure! don’t let people tell you that it will answer your problems. society and our families try to mislead us to believe its some amazingly enlightening experience to have a kid when in reality all it is, is jlike having a 24-hour torturous job that you hate but are forced to do.
not ONE part of raising a baby is fun or rewarding. people will tell you its rewarding and worth it when you see your child grow, these people are in denial….yea sure, its rewarding until they start crying/screaming their head off at you like a maniac at 3 in the morning and nothing will get them to stop… and you haven’t slept in months and are so tird you could fall over! there are times when i almost fell down the stairs at 2 a.m. getting my daughter a bottle to try to get her back to sleep because i was so tired/over-worked/sleep deprived! THAT is the reality! the lies of society are just unbelievable! i won’t lie to anyone who askss me what its like to have a kid. i will tell everyone that i meet the pure truth. no one deserves to be lied to and misled!"

"I didnt sign up for this. I envy my childless friends and wish I could go back and do it over – I would not have gone this route. I want to talk to a therapist. Everyday I am filled with regret, and I feel so bad that I take my anger and frustrations out on my daughter who does not deserves this at all. I just want to overcome this and feel normal again. I want to love doing this as so many other moms do. I want to cherish these moments and want us to be the best of friends. Not blame her for ruining my life.

I do know that I will never have any kids again and I feel bad for the next man who walks into my life wanting kids because it will never happen!"

"I haven’t found a solution. I grab my moments of peace (and they are few and far between) when I can, and daydream of that day when my daughter MOVES OUT!!! And try very hard NOT to think about the fact that I will be in my mid-forties, if I’m still alive. I mean, I even dread the possibility of grandchildren, and having them thrust upon me in my later years. A stiff cocktail on my days off take the edge off a bit, and I am a bit more patient with my daughter and willing to look for the bright side in all of this, but it is a very temporary solution and not practical in the long run. I stay at work long enough to where I’m pretty sure by daughter has already been bathed, fed, and is in bed, and on those particular occasions when my husband is a little late with her nighttime routine and I walk in the house filthy, hot and exhausted and find her still running around with messy hair and stained clothes from a day of playing in the dirt it ruins my whole night and I’m sure the distaste and disappointment is evident on my face. I DREAD her birthday and Christmastime because of the hoops I am expected to jump through- I feel very uncomfortable around other parents and children and I know my daughter looks forward to parties and cake and friends and whatever, and I am loathe to disappoint her, but I literally have nightmares about these occassions and have anxiety attacks prior to any of these miserable events. And when she comes out of her room with a bratty, teary face after a nap and lays on my husband and he baby-talks to her and rubs her back it makes me want to PUKE. She has started to get into a habit of lying, and sometimes I relish the fact that she is misbehaving so I have an excuse to send her to her room. God, I feel awful about this, but how can we help how we FEEL??? Please, let me know if you or ANYONE has found a way to cope! I’m thinking maybe prescription medication??? But then I couldn’t do my job. I’m at a loss… I have basically conceded to the fact that I will be unhappy for most of the next 14 years. Unhappy, stressed out, and constantly JUDGED."


Spectra said...

I had a mom who really didn't want kids, either. It did hurt to know that she wished we weren't even born--when we were kids, she never spent any time with us. Thank goodness our dad was a really great parent and did basically everything with us while Mom stayed home watching TV. Now, she and I aren't very close--I'll call her every so often and I come to visit her about 2 or 3 times a year for holidays, but she makes no effort to stay in touch with me. This is why I think most people who want something to nurture and cuddle should get a dog or a cat or a bunny or something--they never grow up and turn into asshole teenagers who drink all your beer and steal money from you.

Dave said...

I know you have written this before, Mandy, but I want to say it here, too. You never see any message boards from childFREE (not childLESS) people who rant and second-guess their decision to be childfree. Have you ever seen a forum with posts like this one:

"I am sooo glad I found this site. I so much HATE HATE HATE my life without children of my own. I have so much energy, vitality, money, great sex, peace, and quiet that I don't know how I can get myself out of this. I HATE being able to come and go as I please. I HATE having personal freedom. I want to have kids of my own so I can END this misery!"


chilegirl said...

If you hate being a parent, why do you lie to others. It's unfortunate that you are angry that others lied to you, yet you continue the lie.

If this is your behavior, you deserve the hatred in your life.

Try honesty, it works wonders.

Mona said...

It baffles me that these women fell for society's lie. I have a feeling that they uphold motherhood in public while sulking in private.

Rhona said...

omg! every time I read these regretful posts, the harder i squeeze my legs together. i dont date because i am so very scared of having sex and getting pregnant. there is nothing at all appealing about relationships, sex and the by-products of mating.

Whats going on in my weird and wonderful brain :-) said...

Maybe this is the real reason that parents hate us CF folk so much - because they really are jealous and wish they had our lifestyle. Oh well they had a choice, like we all do. Fiona

Christine said...

I agree with chilegirl and Yoe. No doubt that these are some of the same parents who come to CF forums and blogs like this one, and give us crap because we actually took the time to think about the choice to breed or not. Yes, most of them were too stupid to realize that this is a MAJOR LIFE CHOICE, and that no one has to do it if they don't want to. Anyone who is dumb enough to blindly buy into the whole "life script" thing deserves all of the misery they are getting.

Dogsledder said...

This is priceless:
"I didn't sign up for this"
Oh yes you did sweetie. Lets all say it together:
More evidence that most women are simply not aware that having children is a choice, not an inevitabilty. Sad really.

Roxie Harlow said...

Posts like these make me wish even more that I could be sterilized somehow. That way I won't be terrified of an accidental pregnancy and a waking nightmare.

Zazzu said...

I expected these regretful posts to be darkly humorous. Wow. These are downright creepifying.

I know a bunch of young mothers (mid-twenties to early thirties) who have gone from alert and vibrant to sullen and exhausted since having kids. None has said anything about having regrets or hating motherhood but now I wonder if it's because they're ashamed. Oh well, it's too late anyway.

Notice how many are counting down till their kids turn 18 and move out? Yeah, riiiiiiight. How many 18-year-olds move out? Nearly none. There are a WHOLE LOT of twenty-somethings that still live with their parents, though (or have boomeranged back).

Best comment: Parenthood is a life sentence w/out possibility of parole.

felisdomestica said...

even i wouldn't laugh at them. i can imagine being in their shoes (vivid imagination makes you really miserable). having my previously wonderful life shattered in front of my eyes, so that i can receive the greatest joy of life: children

thanks mandy, posts like these are the ultimate birth control which will always remind me to wait until i have installed permanent birth control...like tubal ligation.

Hannah said...

I have a LOT of pets (a small zoo, really) and enjoy them immensely but of course have days where I'm tired and wish I didn't have to run around and tend everyone.

However, reading this has totally revitalized me. I don't know if I'll have one of those days for a good, long while... because at least they aren't kids! They don't bug me in the shower, prevent me from going places or spending time with my husband, need daycare, or lie or manipulate or throw temper tantrums.

I agree with a lot of the comments here, especially Spectra's. And Dave's made me LOL. :] As always, great post, Mandy, and you remain one of my favorite blogs! Always entertaining to read and for some reason I always walk away feeling better than I did before. Nothing perks me up like realizing "Hey, at least I don't have kids! And never will!"

HomoHausfrau said...

I also had a mom who didn't want kids. In fact, her and my stepdad would often count down the years (aloud) until they were "FREE" of kids: "Only ___ more years until we're FREE to do whatever we want without kids!" Isn't that lovely? (Not!)

While it stung at the time, and still continues to, I am also a bit grateful that they opened my eyes to this other dimension of life that is being childfree. I ALMOST got sucked into a domestic mommy vortex with my ex fiance, but very quickly realized that I could NOT handle someone as clingy as him, and could not handle having KIDS with this guy!

I am happily childfree and have been married for almost a year to a wonderful man who shares the same ideals and hopes and dreams as me. In fact, we wrote our own wedding ceremony and pledged to always seek to live an exciting life of fun and adventure with one another. Perfect.

These confessions make me super sad to read (for the kids' sake), but also glad to know it's not all rainbows and sprinkles all the time, like many mommies try to let on it is.

Thanks, Firecracker Mandy, for sharing!

Leah said...

My mom tells me that having kids was the best, most rewarding thing she's ever done.

But what I remember is how she'd come home and immediately go out back to smoke pot for hours every night. At least she and my Dad got time together, I felt like I was raised by the television.

Foodie Traveler said...

what's continues to amaze me is how many of these miserable moms go on to have multiple children. Why this society not only allows but encourages breeding without any checks and balances continues to elude me.

oceangirl36 said...

I'm constantly shocked by the comments regarding parenting "I had no idea it would be this hard" really??? I'm not a parent and I do realize how hard it is. I'm under no illusions that if I were to have a child, the next 18 years of my life would be devoted 24/7 to caring for and raising said child and all my ambitions, wants, needs, desires would be pushed to the back shelf. and that's part of the reason I don't want to be a mom. What did these women think parenting was going to be?

sabe said...

Really I can't do anything but feel so, so bad for these women. I'm kind of amazed at the reaction from readers of this blog - and I've been reading a while, so I recognise a lot of the names from commenters - you'd think that there'd be a little more compassion! Yes, these women chose to have children. But is it really so hard to believe that some of them made a mistake? Do we really have to (essentially) tell them to "Suck it up!" OVER and OVER again?

I'm CF, completely. Don't have kids, won't ever want 'em. But I can have sympathy for those women (and men) who ended up biting off more than they could chew. It's not exactly a mistake that can be fixed - you can't return the child to the store.

Have a little heart, is what I'm saying.

starwarsgirl1023 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
starwarsgirl1023 said...

All I can say is WOW. These posts from regretful moms are intense! I had my DH read them too and we are more convinced than ever that we are going to be childfree for life! We sure dodged a bullet. Great post as usual, Mandy!

hey1982 said...

I just want to say yes having a child sucks but IF you have help which in my case I had alot it makes it alot easier BUT I agree with pretty much everything else here...it is like you have a really crappy job 24hours a day that you can't escape from!
I have one older child and I am young enough to have another but I will never do it again...to those women who only have one thank your lucky stars and I really feel for the women who have more than one :(
My heart goes out to you.
If you have friends or family pressuring you into having a child like I do DON'T LET THEM GET TO YOU.
Sure I have moments when I get clucky but just remember the HELL which is motherhood.
Visiting this blog on a regular basis will bring home the truths about motherhood!!

bunnyharriet said...

Bed. Made. Lie.

I HATE that. How heartless and ignorant! Having a child and knowing it will be difficult but assuming it will be worth it isn't as stupid as some of you make it seem. Everyone knows it will be hard. Everyone thinks it will be worth it. That is the dogma that surrounds the topic. Most women don't think they will be depressed and miserable. They did not sign up for that. I'm sure they didn't assume it'd be cupcakes and fairytales. Have a heart. Yeah we were all smart enough to figure it out before it was too late (i thought i wanted a little family of my own too but was saved by an episode of dr. Phil of all things). Please do not belittle women who are truly suffering. Can you imagine the misery of it? Shame on them if they lie to others and say it's great but have a heart.

Lori said...

They drive me crazy. The oldest is "center of the universe" the middle has ADHD and social issues, the four year old had speech issues and screams constantly....They fight with each other and are relentless. Money is always an issue...we have been through near-death surgery, job loss, bankrupcy... All the while trying to make things better (both of us finishing degrees with young children)...it wears you down day after day...and yes, I do look forward to the day they move out, because this has been one big unpleasant struggle. Hopefully I have some life left in me. To the judgemental "non-parent" person who commented above,..you are a joke to us "parents" you are clueless. Unless you want to look like a fool, don't comment.

Royal Book Sleuth said...

Most of the women here talking trash on these poor shells of women who are venting online because they have nowhere else to vent sound really insensitive and cruel and ignorant above all else because the majority of them saying "you made your bed" are childless and can't fathom what we are going through. Until you have been there and done that DON'T JUDGE. Being a mother is thankless, difficult, depressing, all consuming and yes you completely lose your identity. I think what these mothers are trying to say is that no one ever says "Don't do it! It will ruin your life" and they ARE saying it and being honest about it, even if they aren't out telling everyone they know. People on here should walk a mile in a mother's shoes before being so damned critical. I for one as a mother sympathize completely. Yes. I CHOSE to have unprotected sex, and to have a child. Its totally on me--but it is a lot harder to be a mom than I ever ever imagined, and I do miss being childless, and would have not had children if I knew then what I know now. That being said, I'm a good mother and I adore my beautiful if not difficult child. What is done is done, but I still reserve the right to complain about it, even if only online. Have compassion ladies. You never know when it will happen to you.

Unknown said...

This is all so crazy to me. I came to this site because my 13 mo old is a cryer. Its very difficult, and it seems that every day something different will work. Now he's in a daddy stage & my husband took my oldest scout camping. I was crying & screaming after 2 nights of no sleep just like him. My husband almost came home. I had my oldest, 8, in high school, was surprised by #2, & shocked only months later with #3. But I also have lupus, fibromyalgia, migraines, and facet issues, as well as other health problems. Imagine exhaustion with a fatigue disease. Its debilitating. I have days where I can't bend my fingers, the nausea is so intense I can't get up, and hospital bills from migraine treatments. I understand frustration & sorrow. I get that your life is redirected in meaning. However, it upsets me to see these anti-child comments without any positives. I love my kids. I really do. I cry & sob & break down - just like I do after a big fight with my husband or mother. I would not trade my 2 yr olds hugs & kisses for any amount of "freedom" in the world. Some mothers are frustrated and appreciative. I love showing my kids new things. I chose not to go on a honeymoon bc I couldnt pick an appropriate trip my son would like, too. When I went to Vegas for a week for a wedding, I woke up crying & missing my son. Kids can suck, just like spouses or siblings. But for those who truly hate every part of your child - they may be better off somewhere else. There has to be something in those little people that does make your life worth it. My life is not off-track or ruined. I have a different purpose now. I make life better for others. That might be through mickey mouse, pokemon, and lego cakes, but it all matters to someone who matters to me.

thanks for the support said...

I was feeling down and depressed and I started reading..you guys have have e'er me strength. THANK YOU

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Barbara said...

I don't . I simply smile with absolutely no comment .

Jessica said...

I am the mother of 17 year old. I had her very young (senior in high school) and have raised her alone. Yes she is a complete @$$hole. Teenage girls just are. Trust me- there are days I wonder how the hell I haven't checked myself into a hospital with anxiety! With that being said, shes my kid. MY KID. Most of these women here need to put on their big girl panties and grow the F up! Its not all about you anymore. You think your kids dont feel that they have a mother who wishes they weren't here? How horrible is that to even say? Every parent gets fed up and frustrated and pissed. Every parent needs time alone to be a human being and individual but damn to post that you wish you never had children is straight up selfish and sad. Your poor children. For the person who said that childfree people dont post stuff about their miserable lives that is not true. MANY childfree people would give ANYTHING to have one. Try thinking of someone other than you for a second. Your kids didn't ask to be here. I assume you know where babies come from. If you have partners, try to make time to be alone and have some you time. Life is balance. Dont sit around complaining and blaming your kids because you cant be a freaking grown up and manage your life. The internet is forever. They can very likely find these posts when they get older. Jeez.

Unknown said...

Wow, I can't believe how you CF people gloat by believing you are so smart for preserving your freedom by not having kids. Now on one hand, kudos to you for knowing before hand to not have them since you could not ever sacrifice a thing in life. It would be far worse if you did. However, judging mothers for biting more than they could chew is another, and I happen to fall into that category. Yes I would be lying if I said I loved being a mom, but at the same token I love my kids and glad to have had them since they have opened up a new world for me. Sure I miss my freedom but I have also adapted into a new life. And because one of them is autistic which makes things even harder, I actually have a game plan to transition him out as soon as he turns 18- and he won't be coming back home. I have lots of outside support on this so I am not overly concerned. My typical child can stay as long as she needs to because she is an awesome help around here, and is never in the way- especially once she is an adult! Now it is my turn to gloat, if you don't mind. See, I am lucky that my parents are very wealthy. And no my gloating has nothing to do with me inheriting anything from them. They have plenty of money set aside for caregivers who will be doing the dirty work when they age. Sure, I will check up on them here and there. I mean they were my parents after all who sacrificed their lives for me. I would never abandon them but I am not expected to care for them either. And it is so nice to know that once my son is out, he will be out- AND I will also never be the one to clean up after my parents, spend my retirement savings on them, and take time off to care for them. So you may be laughing whenever you hear a poor stressed out mom being honest about how hellish motherhood is.. but when your parents start to depend on you for care, you are going to be taking every bit of that back. I get the feeling that the majority of you on here will be in that very position.. right around the same time I have my freedom back, sipping on cocktails on the cruises and other vacations I am definitely taking :) Hey, you may be CF and have all of the freedom in the world now because of that, but just remember that no one in life has a free pass. Just sayin.

Unknown said...

It's ok! Their fun is not gonna be forever because they will be the appointed caregivers

Unknown said...

It's ok because just wait until you are feeling like that when your 90 old mom needs a diaper change and you are the one who has to do it so in that retrospect being a mom is not that bad

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say, I poured over this page with complete understanding a few days ago. Defeated, bawling and confused.
HOWEVER, I finally figured out that my girl has silent reflux. There was actually a reason for the crap I was dealing with! I am so relieved its not 'just colic' and there is hope to turn this suck fest around! (no this is not my first child).

In my opinion it does a person a world of good to have a child and learn such an incredible lesson in selflessness. Yes there are some very sucky moments that come with it. However I cant say I wish I didnt have my kids. Especially when the good moments happen. When I see them joke with one another or help eachother. Im just really proud of them. Even the one thats failing school- lol.
I think the lesson, for me at least, is that even when bad things happen (a crying baby for months), "This too shall pass" and there is something greater with this kid that I will find. My other kids have taught me that.

KlrS said...

I knew having a child would not be easy, especially since i was close to 40 when i got pregnant and I've got an Autoimmune condition. I told my worries to my husband and he said not to worry and his family will pitch in. They did. About 10% of the help i was needing. They are wont to cancellation and tardiness. My condition worsened. Many other bad things happened. My daughter is nearly two now and i think I'm dealing with things better although i find myself an empty shell of what i was once was and mostly dazed and staring off into space. I suffer from terrible Migraines and it is very very difficult to be a good mother with health issues.

The fatigue and drain is indescribable. I wake up with a headache everyday. And dread that i might be too tired and it'll just get worse from there. My husband helps but he can't fix me, not even doctors can, it seems.

I truly believe in the saying it takes a village. If mothers posting on here had that sort of help, and not just handed out drugs for ppd or given tips online or by some child centre i think more people would be enjoying motherhood. But now i think most mothers who do not have enough money for extra care, or haven't got reliable friends and family who will help adequately, are doomed to isolation and exhaustion (this after the stress of pregnancy), what with trying to raise their children to high standards whilst protecting them from everything that isn't good for them. Times have also changed in raising children - it's very child centric. i find the "find time to yourself" not quite enough.

I always find myself wishing to be stronger and healthier.

I don't even hate being a mother. I love my daughter. I don't regret having her. I regret being unhealthy and not having the strength of a village. I thought i had thought things through. It really does take a village. I need the strength of a village. I am finding it in me to have the strength of a village.

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Unknown said...

off today I woke up at 11. Had breakfast in bed while watching a movie. Spent 3 hrs. At the beach, gym 1 hr., gonna take nap now, you??? Oh that caring for my parents thing?? With the 1/4 million I save per child by not having them I can provide best senior care without lifting a finger. Take care.

star said...

I was CF until 34 yrs old. It was by choice and I never was crazy about other people's kids. I had always told myself who would bring kids into this crazy world? But guess what, i did a complete flip flop, I call it the call of nature or the biological time clock drum roll! Lol. I wanted kids desperately then. My husband of 13 years warned me it will change our whole life it will never be the same. Guess what it wasn't. I had 2 children 22 months apart. I knew after a year this wasn't going to be quite what I signed up for, but had another baby my son, so my daughter would have a sibling.
Before children my husband and I had so much more quality time and freedom. Since children are life's have revolved solely on them. We always have to think what's best for them. It has been a grueling 14 years of sacrifice and for 85% of the time worrisome, exhausting, and depressing. I don't even know who I am anymore.
When people say "it gets easier" they are lying! The game just changes and the problems just change. You might not be changing diapers and may loss a little less sleep but actually as the teenage years approach it gets worse. The problems develop into bigger problems that involve other kids, Internet, interest in boys or girls. It never ends. You think it ends at 18? Lol. My sister has a son living with her who is 26 and a heroine addict. I know others including myself who either have a child with Aspergers or autism and they may never improve enough to leave unless they have care at a group home.
Are there good times in parenting? Occasionally, but it never matters if your sick, need a break, it just never never stops.
parenthood is a life sentence and my advice to most people would be don't have any. Enjoy life and don't fall for the mold society has created. Find yourself and grow. If you think kids will complete you. Wrong. Now if your rich or have tons of help then your experience might be quite different. Otherwise, If you want to sacrifice your whole life to other human beings and chance losing your identity and way of life. Have kids.