Our Friend, the Regretful Dad

Popping in to say hello and tell you about our house guest - my hubby's friend Brian - who is visiting with us for a few days.  He lives about 1,000 miles away, so it's only once every 3 or 4 years that we have the pleasure of seeing him.

Brian is married with 3 kids, age 16, 5 and 7.  He left the wife and kids at home and is enjoying some guy time with my hubby.

He wasn't here 5 minutes before he made this comment:  "When I was young, I was unhappy because I wasn't married and didn't have kids.  I had lots of money in the bank but felt my life was so empty and miserable.  Man....I didn't know what misery is." 

Later, he made other comments referring to his "miserable existence".

On Saturday, I left hubby and Brian to do their thing and gave hubby a briefing on what I'd be doing - that I was heading out for a day trip with my girlfriend Sara for the day.  Brian commented on how cool it is that we still get to do whatever we feel like doing every weekend, and how he can't remember what that is like.  He said all he does on weekends is cater to the kids and their activities and watch his money disappear.

The thing about Brian is  - he's brutally honest.  He's a funny guy and laughs and tries to make light of this stuff, but it's obvious that although he loves his children, if he could go back and do it again, he would have chosen our life instead of the one he chose. 

Bitching (without backpedaling)

Written by a mom - and NO backpedaling - 50 Reasons to Not Have a Baby. (Thanks, CFVixen, for the forward).

More Regretful Moms Let Loose

Thanks to CFVixen for directing me to a thread that is currently running on a site called CafeMom in which moms are venting about how much they hate motherhood, regret having kids and are angry that they were duped into believing the myth that motherhood is the most wonderful and necessary path to happiness and fulfilment.

The thread starts with this post and takes off running from there.

"Why is it that we are conned into thinking that motherhood is a blissful, satisfying, and rewarding blessing? I attend a mothers group for young mothers and the other day one of the social workers asked..."Who hates being a mom?" Everyone looked at each other as if they were afraid of the question and that admitting to it is a mortal sin. My hand shot up. After a year of being a mother I can't hate it more. It just prevents me being truly happy. I know some women out there have invested time and money into having a child and think its the most glorious and officious thing in the world. But I think that from little girls we are brain washed into thinking that being a mother is what our duty is. Its evident by the toys marketed towards girls: baby dolls that poop and pee with their carriages, little tiny kitchens, even vaccum and broom sets. JESUS!


Needless to say my pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted. I was 21, unmarried, and still in college with hopes of attending medical school. I dreaded being pregnant and the permanent scars it would leave on my already flawed body. I thought that once I had the baby I would love being a mother and a wife. The truth is I hate it. I couldn't love my child anymore, his smile touches a part of my heart that no one else can, but I don't like being his mother.


It is just a burden I don't want to deal with at this point of my life. The feeding, the changing, the constant neediness, which I know will perpetuate until the day I die. I decided to breastfeed him and still do and regret every day I decided to do this. It has been 14mo since he was born and I still have no ownership of my body. I have tried to ween him, but he become unbearable.


Before having him I was a straight A student, active in school, and I held up to two jobs. Now its seems I can't get my shit straight. My grades would be more that satisfactory for other students, but they just don't cut it for me. I feel like I have to choose between my dreams, and being a good mother, which isn't fair.


I have all the love and support from my husband, but its not enough because I feel like a failure, like I've failed myself. All these emotions have just turned into anger, and its just boiling inside of me because its turned into hate. I can't control my anger anymore. I can't stand being alone all day with my son. He wants to be all over me and all I want is my space. I try to play with him, but I'd rather be elsewhere. I feel like I have to give and give and give, but in return nothing.


To make things worse, I'm totally isolated. My mother lives in an other state. All my friends graduated 2 years ago and moved on with their lives. I have no friends I can relate to, even when I'm at school. I just feel thrusted into a position where I had no say, and I was pushed into it "because it was the right thing to do".


Now I'm filled with regrets, morn the loss of the life and the person that I was (which I really liked) and feel all alone in life. I hate being a mother. I hate my life. Most of all I hate what I've become. "
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Some replies:

"The easy part is under 4 years old. Parenting is a whole new ball game as they get into school age. Frankly, it's harder.


I was married young, had a child, finished college, had more children and now I'm working on my graduate degree to requalify in my choosen career field. At my age, I should have 10 years of working experience and make enough to cover daycare. I have no real experience, every job I had was quit due to pregnancy!


I just told my screaming kids in the van I was going to work, hiring someone to take care of them, because I quit! Seriously, I want to quit being a mother, a parent and a wife.


I think you feelings are normal. I don't have any other answer than that for you."
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"so many truths spoken here.



Yes, the first four years are easier. The exhaustion that begins to set in at 18 months - 2 years is complete by the 4th birthday. I was hospitalized for 2 days when son was 18 months, then at 4 years, I needed it again, but refused because western medicine had nothing to offer me except prozac.


I discovered that I was pregnant at 35 when I went in for my blood work before my tubal ligation. I wanted the surgery when I was 22 but was told I would have to wait until 35. I accepted my responsibility and hoped "god would provide". I hoped he/she would provide the Money, the Physical Stamina, the Emotional Stamina, the Personal Discipline, and the Social Network necessary to raise a child alone. (father chose not to participate) After 6 years of selfless service, I feel "done". At 41 the career and relationship oportunities that I had always wanted in my life have come to my door, and because I am a mom I cannot accept. I am just too tired.


I do realize that I have "made this bed" so I get to lay in it, but I still hate motherhood. And like all other mothers, "I love my son", because we are biologically and genetically programed to. If not we would have abondoned our children eons ago and the human race would never have reached 6 BILLION. So I struggle with the gaping disparity between my ancient genetic programming and my modern evolved mental self.


The sadest (to me) part of this whole paradigm is that this pattern of suffering mothers is probably only going to increase in numbers and intensity as our culture moves farther and farther from the need of human animals to live in extended family groups/villages in which the young, strong and healthy bear the children, while the elder aunts, uncles and grandparents raise them.


So where does that leave all and each of us today?


I don't know.


I have working with a Homeopathist and her remedies seem to be helping.


I wish you all love and a good night's sleep.


With Gratitude for your honest sharing,"
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"Thank you for posting this, I have felt so hopeless recently I have a 4yr old whome I do love but sometimes I get so depressed but feel obligated to stay. I love my husband but I feel so disconnected from him too. I just feel overwhelmingly unhappy. I have tried to cheer myself up but nothing seems to work. I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way."
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"I'm so happy to find that others feel this way. I never wanted to have children - it's not that i didn't like them - it's just that i loved my free time and was happy with my life. My husband and I had been together for 14 years and he always wanted children but said he was OK with whatever I wanted to do. At 35 I decided to take a chance because I was on the fence with the whole idea and i thought it was now or never - to my surprise i was pregnant within a month. I love my daughter with all of my heart - but I hate it when people say "I bet you forget what life was like before her!" - no, I don't. maybe it was because my husband and I had been together for years before - but i think of my life before her quite fondly - and i think of it quite often. I also know how you feel about being isolated. We live a few states away from our family and we have few friends in this town. So, thank you for posting this. At least I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. "
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"I know exactly how you feel because I have been dealing with these emotions which have probably increased over the last two years. I truly thought I was alone in these feelings and it's not easy dealing with these feelings even today as I type this. There is not one aspect of motherhood I've enjoyed not even since pregnancy. and I have been doing it alone since day one which probably adds to the frustration and probably somewhat depression I feel on most days. Not really sure where to go, anyone I try to talk to doesn't understand and probably makes me feel even worse for feeling this way. They automatically think that I dislike my daughter and that's not what I'm saying. I love my daughter, I just don't want to be the one to raise her. I can't imagine her not being here and the fact that I gave her life is probably all I can give her. She's a good kid, very happy and energetic and I probably feel worse that she has a mother who doesn't enjoy what she is doing but I do love my daughter. I really don't want to feel this way but from the women who do enjoy motherhood, I feel emptiness, I feel disconnect, I feel lonliness and sadness, I truly can't imagine relating to this feeling of bliss. I don't want anymore kids and constantly consider having my tubes tied and while I am in my early 30's, I'm still considered young to have such a surgery . I realize the judgement of others is truly what causes this issue to be so "taboo" but it also perpetuates the negative feelings because we have no outlet to voice our frustrations, thoughts, feelings. I think it's unfair for others to judge and make statements that you should have never had sex or shouldn't decided to become a mom if you don't enjoy it, but while I never really looked forward to kids, I didn't think I would dislike it this much. Didn't think it would cause such a loss of desire, loss of myself and maybe it is selfishness but if I had to do it over again I wouldn't and vow not to repeat going down that road again.



Don't know if this post helps or is more intense that what most ladies had previously posted but knowing that I'm not alone adds a little peace to my day."
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"I am 42 years old with 3 children. Now aged 6, 3 and 21 months. The first 2 years my first child was born were really great. She was an amazing baby who slept through the night....but then 2 hit and so did the "monsters" from then on until she was 6, I was up with her 4 or 5 times a night because of "monsters". Put that together with having a second child who suffers from repeated night terrors almost on a nightly basis and a 21 month old who has never slept more than a couple of hours consequetively and you have one CRANKY MOMMY!!



I am miserable. I hate my life. I love my children to the ends of the earth and beyond. Would gladly be consumed by alive by a grizzly bear to protect them but if I had it all to do over again, would I? Not likely. I love being a mom but I hate the "job". Sibling rivarly drives me up the wall, the lack of sleep makes me a zombie. My house is disgusting, my laundry is in piles on the floor. My 21 month old clings to me like I am a life preserver he can't let go of. I feel like I am trapped under water and no one will let me up for a breath of air.


I resent the fairtytale that was fed to us about motherhood and how you dare not admit that it is far less than perfect. I have received flack for standing up and saying...this is NOT my ideal life!


I am hearing people say it gets worse not better. I'm saying it can't possibly get any worse than it already is. If it does they will have lock me up in a padded cell..........come to think of it, that sounds pretty nice....padded walls, silence, chance to be alone...where do I sign up?"
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"I am so glad I found this post. I have been feeling the same way since the birth of my son seven months ago and thought I must be the most terrible person in the world.



I used to the a student on the path to medical school and I had a job that I loved and dealt with everyday life while my husband was in Iraq. I thought I had it all figured out and was not worried about becoming a mom, thinking it would only enrich my life even more and provide that little puzzle that was missing - beign educated, having a loving husband, working and being a mom who adores her beautiful baby.


And then reality hit - I have not slept more than four hours straight for about a year and I am exhausted dealing with my son's constant crying, neediness, desire to play, cuddle, eat, poop, sleep. Of course, I love and adore him. He is all I could ask for, but I am so tired of living my life for him. I barely get enough time to take a shower because he constantly wants to be pampered. I work from home now, but I can only get things done when he takes a nap, so I do not even get a chance to take a break during the day. My husband barely helps around the house and has gotten used to me being the one taking care of all of the chores (at least I try to). I do talk to him about my frustration, but I don't think he understands the problem fully. I am simply drained and dissatisfied with who I have become.


I have plans to return to college when my child is a bit older and we have a little more stability in our lives. However, I still doubt whether this will happen. At this point, I feel that I am becoming more tired, exhausted and stupid every second. I have no stimulating interaction and the constant noise of toys and whining and baby sounds has driven me to the point where I can barely concentrate on anything. I am simply too tired.


I hope it gets better, but I hear people say it will only get worse. Although it sounds harsh, I feel that I have ruined my life and what I had going for me and am now doomed to stay locked up in the house with a kid all day until he becomes a teenager and does not need me around anymore - and by that time all of my chances of becoming something or someone I would want to be are done and I will feel utterly useless.


Whew, it feels good to let this out :)
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"I so understand you all. I love my kids... and it makes me really, really sad that they have me for a mother. I had a really good life going before I had the kids. I had finally finished my degree and had started my career. I played sports and had a lot of fun. But I hit my 30's and started panicking about the kid thing. I never really wanted them but like a prev commenter, I was scared I would miss the boat and then realize I wanted them.



If I could go back in time... I so wouldn't have them. I try... I really do... but the husband is barely ever home and it had been a really, really stupid mistake to marry him anyway. He rarely helps out but then criticizes if I need a minute to myself or a hand with the kids.


But my biggest problem is that my son drives me insane. My daughter is so laid back... her and I can hang out all day and I love being her mom... it's fun and I feel like a compitent mom with her. But as soon as my son gets home from preschool, it's bedlam again. He's so hyper (my daughter picks up on this and joins in). He is constantly moving and barely sleeps and annoying. That boy is so freakin' annoying! He's like Stewy, "Mom, mom, mom, mommy, momomom..." He's always got to be fighting with his sister or constantly asking 10,000 questions (most he just asked two seconds ago). And I feel incredibly guilty because I grew up with my mom showing way more love and affection for my brother than me... and I'm so scared I"m going to do that to my son because... I just don't want to be around him anymore. I don't have the energy or the patience. I truly believe he could be a great kid for a different type of mom. One who wants to be a mom.


I keep seeing job positions in my field that are over seas or have 70% travel and my fingers actually itch with the desire to email them my resume."
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"Hubby and I couldn't have kids for 10 years then I got pregnant and was 36. Have had 2 kids and now pushing 40. We are a practicing Catholic family. I quit an amazing job and we were living overseas having a great life when I became pregnant. I became a stay-at-home mom, had natural births (one at home), use cloth diapers, attachment parenting techniques, breastfeeding, looking at homeschooling, etc. Did everything I thought I was supposed to do. I had a terrible childhood and didn't want this for my children. Been at this for almost 3 years now. Guess what.....I HATE IT!! Tried praying till I am blue in the face, took anti-depressents, tried "mommy" groups, took up hobbies.... I am still miserable. I want the terrific life a i had back...now!! I worked my whole life so hard to earn that life and lost it overnight! God forgive me. I wish I loved mothering and building a home but I can't fake it! I am physically breaking down under the stress and so is my husband. We love our children but it has ruined our lives. I feel so incredibly guilty evening thinking this. I can't just "cut and run" however. Couldn't even stand the thought of turning the kids over to someone else.......but I can't seem to shake these feelings. Do they ever go away? My life is just passing me buy...there must be some joy soon......"
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"...The best thing we can do for each other as women and parents is to share our feelings. I'm quite honest these days with other moms and you know what? They are all stresed out, exhausted, pissed, resentful, etc...They all spill the beans eventually. Just some more than others. I'm in a multiples group and it's the best becasue we all bitch about what we have to deal with and laugh at the same time. When you can vent with out being judged it helps so much. Of course, we all have those deliriously happy perfecto moms we all hate. But guess what? Behind closed doors they are crying and stressed out too. And...thru the group and by friending them on FB, I found out that are the ones that drink the most. So, some people show their unhappiness, other wait until they get home to drown it. Don't compare yorself to other moms too much. It's just their brave face they've got on. I've got one too. I can't go around with a scowl on my face, although, it would be much easier. Nope, I have to try for my kids and some days I get through it ok. Mostly, I'm emotionally shut off in order to cope."
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"I'M SO HAPPY I'M NOT ALONE. I love my kids and my husband is great, but i had dreams, a life, a personality they came along. i feel like my life is over, i don't even know who i am anymore. I have three kids 8months, 2yrs and 7yrs. I'm a stay at home mom and its driving me crazy. I don't sleep, idon't get any time to myself, my husband works all day by the time he gets home the kids are either sleep or going to sleep, so he gets the fun part of parenting and i get the worst...... my life is not suppose to be like this..... i'm just so angry"
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Don't Worry, Be Happy

Fact or Fiction: A person who chooses not to have kids will regret their decision but a person who chooses to have kids will never regret having them.

Fiction.

Are there childfree people who grow to regret their decision? Probably, although I have yet to meet any. Are there parents who regret having kids? You may be surprised to learn that the answer is yes and because of the anonymity afforded by the internet, they are now coming out in droves to admit it and provide a support system for each other.

If you do a blog search for "I hate being a mom", you may pull up this blog in your search (thanks Evgenia for the link). This blogger posted an honest article lamenting the loss of freedom, the loss of sleep, the never-ending aggravation and fighting...the list goes on. What's more interesting than her post are the comments posted by other moms, thanking her for her honesty and adding a big "me too!" Some of these moms go as far as to state they regret having kids and wish they never gave up their childfree life. Here is a sample of some of the comments.

"I also used to be organized, focused, driven, and put together. Now, I'm on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I can hardly find time to brush my teeth. I'm disgusting and disgusted at what I have become. This isn't at all what I expected. I'm not enjoying it as much as everyone told me I would. Maybe it changes, but for now I feel really miserable and riddled with guilt for feeling this way because I do love my baby. Each day I find myself saying "God , I'm terrible at this. Why can't I get anything right with this child? Why can't I satisfy this child?" Maybe I just wasn't meant to be a mother. Maybe my previous two miscarriages were messages that I shouldn't have children."

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"It's not everyday that I hate being a mother. Just most days. I realize that I did this to myself and I have to "do my time". But this is overwhelming sometimes. I feel so held back, stressed out, irritated and depressed by this whole thing. I am literally counting down the days until she leaves to go to college. 2,800 days. I feel like a person in prison. But I just want my life back. I feel wrong in a way but I really just want to be free."
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"I'm a 27 year old mother of two, ages 10 months and 23 months. Most of the time I walk around in a daze, hoping people don't notice the snot wiped on my coat or the bags under my eyes. I feel ancient, decrepit, what's worse is that my husband is successful and interesting. I had ambition once to write and be taken seriously, but now I'm just useless. I have a college degree, but can't even imagine now how I would go about writing an essay, how to engage in a conversation about anything other than poop and teething.

I hate my body and I hate what I've become. I too live far from family and friends as we've relocated for my husband's career. I've no babysitter, no relatives, no one to talk to but my children who can't speak yet. I don't see any way out of this gilded cage of a life. Today, and most days, I hate being a mother... we're treated worse than animals. What will become of us?"
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"I am almost always grumpy. Sometimes I close my eyes and wish that this were not my life. Often I feel like I want to run away. I get the feeling that some of my child free friends pity me. Some envy me... but I feel like taking them aside and telling them 'Don't have kids! Your life will be over!"
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" Wow. Like several others who posted I googled, "I hate being a mother" and stumbled upon your blog. I feel soooo much comfort and relief hearing you all's stories. I'm a 24 year old single mother to a 2-month old and so far I hate every minute of it. I am sooo beyond depressed and feel like I am going to have a break down at any minute.

I cry everyday and my stomach is always knotted from worrying. I never in a million years imagined my life would be like this. I am a college graduate. Words can't express how much I miss my old life and wish I could go back in time. I feel like a failure and am embarassed of what I have become...a stereotype. I pray everyday for it to get better because it just seems to be getting worse. Thank you so much for this blog."
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"I am relieved to have found this.I have a 10 month old daughter I have a hard time even looking at these days.I love her but I have to say I wish I had never had a baby.I am severely depressed my doctor has me on 6 different medications and I don't think they are working.I am also pregnant again with a boy that is due in 4 months and I am just sad about it.My husband works out of town 2 weeks out of the month and does not understand what I am going through.I didn't know motherhood would be like this.I miss my old life and am not adjusting to this new one.I love her I want to be a good mom but I am crying all the time and have anxiety through the roof all day about taking care of her.It's only going to get worse when the new baby comes.We did 5 years fertility treaments to have my daughter and then wham got pregnant on our own with this one so I should love her right?I don't think motherhood is for me but what else is there? I hate that I feel this way I wish I was the mom who gets up in the mornings makes breakfast with a smile and takes care of everything but I'm not.I am just lost these days."
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"if i ever were to even get preg again i dont care about what i beleive in but i wouldnt go through with it becuz im sure ill end up dead. sometimes i wonder why i even thought i could do this in the first place... damn mother made it seem as if it could be done! "if i could raise 4 kids 1 is nothing" what a bunch of lies! she just wanted a grandchild."
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"I never wanted children in the first place, and now because I decided to have a child instead of the alternative, I feel as if I'm being punished more and more each day.

I want to get as far away from this house, the child and my husband as I can.

I want to scream and cry and stomp and turn over the couch.

Instead, I'll just be thankful I am not alone."
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"For the past 2 years since the birth of my first and only child I have been in a constant state of depression. I do believe that I was never meant to have children and that it's a great tragedy that I realized it too late. I love my son. I do. Unfortunately that doesnt stop me from wishing on a daily basis that I could go back and undo the last 2 years or so of my life. I hate being a mom. I loathe being a mom. I hate that i can't take a shower when I want. That i can't go out with my friends when I want. That going shopping is a mission that sucks the life right out of me. I hate that he screams about everything. I hate that he destroys everything I try to achieve. I had almost found an outlet of sorts for myself by going to the gym 5 days a week and leaving him in the kids club there. He managed to take that from me as well because he can't be civil around other children evidently. I have nothing now except for the endless days of screaming and crying while I watch my life waste away. I know it was my choice to have a kid but despite everything I have tried to make him happy I have failed at every turn. Motherhood has been the worst experience of my life and I can't do anything about it. There has not been one day since he was born that i thought "wow this is awesome. I am so happy your my son.". Everyday is misserable and I can't wait until its over. I was beautiful and skinny once and no matter how hard I try I will never have that back either. The worst part is that i love him enough to feel guilty for feeling this way so that overlaps everything else and it's a viscious cyle of regret. My husband wants another one and I can't bring myself to tell him 'no'. The thought of having this feeling doubled is enough to make me want to pitch myself off of the balcony. I feel genuine sorrow for other people about to have baby's because there is nothing enjoyable about it. It will take everything from you. Everything you loved about life and enjoyed will be gone. Thats what I think when I look at expecting mothers."
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"I feel the way most of you have expressed....I'm just so incredibly depressed...I can't stand my life..I'm a single mother of a 2 12 year old..I am on benefits and I live with my parents.My life's a mess,my clothes are in a pile,I'm over weight,spend excessively to compensate for my misery which in turn leaves us broke the following week.Ive just started Uni doing a bachelors degree-but Do you think I can get any work done..NO I can't Im so consumed with self hate and worthlessness.I never thought I would end up like this..fat ugly alone with a child.She constantly shouts-and tells the whole family to SHUT UP -I never say this to her EVER...she doesn't listen to a thing I say,doesn't respond to any punishment at all....I just want to run away and leaver this fkn life behind,,but My conscience won't let me..No one gets it Except for you guys) My mother doesn't understand the feeling I have-I'm so afraid to be alone and NOW she has decided they might move so Ill be left alone ,,,I'm so intelligent when it comes to being positive,reading,self help..YES i know all that but it doesn't fucking help...I used to be so different..I feel I have lost all Love -Im just numb to everything-I don't have any passion at all left in my body...And yet I feel so guilty as there are people going through way worse...If I knew it was going to be this hard I wouldn't have gone there..He begged me to have an abortion,Men have it so easy,,no attachment at all..OH the joys of being a MAN..fuck this."
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"I'm going to talk to my doctor today and see if there's anything wrong with me. Because I'm sad every day, stressed every day, anxious everyday and dare I say scared. When I hit my breaking point I have had thoughts of harm, and I never used to be like this!! I hate it, hate it so much. I love my son to death, and get cuteness overload from him on good days, but it's just not enough to make me love this "job"

I want to feel normal, happy and healthy, and I want to like who I am inside and out. Maybe I never should have gotten into this, sometimes I think maybe this life of a mother wasn't meant for me?"
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Having read all these comments, I decided to do a little more searching on the internet and within seconds found many, many more regretful parents complaining bitterly about their lives and wishing they never had kids.

"I wish I had never had children, it ruined my health immediately and my sanity eventually, and my finances continuously. My child tore up and destroyed my belongings and ruined my relationships. My mother was ever-present and if I had never had children I could have escaped her grasping possessive control many many years ago. My son now lives over three hours away and has recently married, much to my great relief because now he has someone else with which to converse besides me, as I am not particularly interested in anything he has to say. My new daughter-in-law is a sweet girl and I pray they stay together forever, because if he is busy doing things with HER, he won't bother ME. I was trapped in suburbia for many years, while I yearned to live in the city, close to my job, because it was deemed 'safer' to raise children in the suburbs, than in the city. I regret so many, many years and opportunities taken from me, all because I "wanted" a child. Well - be careful what you wish for, because when you get it, it will never, ever, ever, ever go away and leave you alone to sip wine and read a good book uninterrupted, in fact you will not even be able to have good sex whenever you want, because "the children might hear". It's absolutely ridiculous, the way they suck the life right out of you. I am more fortunate than some, however. I only had one, and I had him early in life, so that when I was (legally) able to throw him out of the house and reclaim my life, there was still enough "life" left in me to actually enjoy myself for awhile, before old age and ill health and fixed income becomes problematic. The ones with two, three, even FOUR children? They will never again see the light of day. Their sentence is long and their life is over. At least, that's the way it looks to ME." ______________________________________________

" I never tell [my 3 kids] that everyday I feel like a light is going out and I miss me. I am soooo tired and depressed all the time. Oh yes but I smile and bid my jail sentence. Take my kids to all their activities tell them that they are precious, beautiful, and they are my little miracles. So at least they are happy right. I never tell anyone and I lie about the joys of motherhood just like I'm supposed. I cry everyday alone in silence. They do ballet,swim classes, I teach them they go to school and etc. Everybody points out how beautiful and wonderful they are and blah, blah, blah. If I could caution any young women who is not sure I would. I wouldn't want to give my sorry existence to my worst enemy."

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"I have 2 kids. I am so sick of everyone saying how precious this time is and how they grow up so fast. I feel that they can't grow up fast enough. I also have thought that other moms must be lying or fooling themselves when they say that parenthood is the best thing. I am uncomfortable talking with other parents because I am not good at lying or being fake and feel that it is obvious how much I hate being a mom. I also love my husband and long for the good old days when it was just the two of us, independent, free, and enjoying eachother. Now we have such a practical/functional relationship...just getting this one fed, this diaper changed, this one to the doctor..... What were we thinking? Why did we believe all the crap about babies being a "bundle of joy"? I agree with the above post on motherhood being a chore, no real joy in it. I keep them fed, cared for, and even try to do fun things with them, like go to the park or library. But, all the while I am out with them, I am wishing I could be doing one friggin thing that I want to do. I am so sick of the stupid kids section of the library..I want to take a nice walk through the park, not push a stupid swing 50 times. I have never felt so trapped, hopeless, unhappy (even when I was in a horrible work situation and got laid off). I feel hopeless because this situation is not going to change for a long time...I am not going to wake up tomorrow and my kids will be 18 years old no longer my responsibility. I wish I had heard from people like those on this site, or anyone else regretting children, before having them. Now, all I can do is be brutally honest about how much having kids really sucks, if anyone wants to hear my perspective...perhaps someone else will make a better choice for themselves."

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"I have totally ruined my life. I love my daughter so much, but can't handle her illness any more. I have given up my life to look after her - she is 24, and has been sick now for eighteen years. Doctors have given me no answers, and no one knows what to do for her. She continues to be sick or get worse, no matter what we do. It is wearing me down, and I am depressed and crying all the time. My life is gone. I have no life. I have to watch her suffer each and every day, with no hope of a normal life. If only I had never had her, I could have a normal life and really enjoy each and every day, not endure total despair. I don't even want to wake up in the morning, as there is nothing to look forward to. This is not her fault - she did not ask for this illness. But I still wish I never considered having kids - my life is totally ruined."

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"I spent my youth raising my 3 children. I have driven so many miles to soccer and basketball and football and cheerleading and plays and on and on. I volunteered at the school. I was a brownie troop leader. I read to my kids and made sure they got their shots and visits to the dentist. I took them to church and participated in their lives. They are all in their 40's. I live alone. I have not seen my kids in over 3 years. Two of them live on the opposite side of the country. My daughter has not visited me in over 10 years. If I call her I get voice mail and she may call back and she may not. My youngest got drunk and screamed at me (he's 41) and now does not speak to me. My oldest is the only one with children. He can take them to Germany and Spain and France and Chili and Disneyworld but he has not brought them to see me in 5 years. I have spent the last 15 Christmases, Thanksgivings and birthdays alone. The only time I have felt welcome at his home was when my first grandchild was born. My grandchildren are young teens and I have seen them 6 times. I am older and alone. I live on a fixed income and am not in good health and no one has my back. If I had not had children, I would have had a life and made provisions for being alone in my old age. Now, all I have to look forward to is death. And I will probably be dead days before anyone notices. Maybe if I don't show up for church two Sundays in a row someone might question."

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"I unfortunately love my children but absolutely regret ever having them! Like my headline says, How Can I Feel This Way??? Now not only do I regret it, I have come to the point I don't like kids at all! I know I shouldn't feel this way and just don't know how to get over feeling this way when I mourn over my very broken family all of the time and breaks my heart to be in such a lonely and and difficult situation."
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" I got pregnant and had the baby against my better judgement. I was depressed and continued to be depressed (fell deeper into it) and thought I'd make a terrible mom. Sure I'm responsible enough to take good care of my kids (2) but there is no joy in it. I really don't enjoy spending time with them. I feed and clothe them, teach them and keep them safe, and try to make them happy but I'm not happy. I wish so badly I hadn't had kids. I think my kids could do much worse, but they could do much better too. I wish I could be single again and not have kids so I could just get a divorce once and for all and be free. I hate this feeling, I feel guilty all the time. I wish I felt like a mother should but even though I love them, I think they would be better off not having me as a mother.

I am only posting this story because it is SO taboo and I hope someone reading it and can relate to it might not feel so alone. "
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"I wish I had reconsidered having kids. I love my kids dearly but miss being me. My husband has happily lumped me into the identity of "wifenkids". Romance is gone. I HATE it. HATE IT HATE IT. There's my childhood tantrum. My entire 20s have been occupied as someone's "mom" and "wife". I don't feel fun and sexy and free and I miss those things. Love my kids but they deserved better as a mom and I deserved to be happy. It just is a bummer for everyone. I resent my husband a lot since he has the sexist idea that all women LIVE for motherhood. "
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"I regret my decision to have a child as well. My daughter is beautiful and lovable. It is not her at all. I just hate my life. I hate the loss of freedom. I am completely bored by the kiddie playgroups, parties and just the repetitiveness of it all. I miss my job and I feel like a prisoner of my house. I resent my husband even though I agreed to have a child, I was only about 50% for the idea. I guess I was afraid I was missing out on an important part of life. I wish there was something I could do to create some enthusiasm because motherhood is going to be my main role for a very long time."
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"Hmm...I don't know if having kids was the right thing to do. I love my kids and am proud of each of them. However, since I raised all 4 of them on my own...without family, friends, or any help from my ex-husband...I am the one that is LEFT ALL ALONE. I deliberately centered all of my work and activities around the kids...and wanted to be the best mom that i could be...in spite of our circumstances. I bought a house, went to work, cleaned the house and spent every night at home with my kids...cooking and doing homework with them. I rarely went out with friends, with the exception of outings with other mothers with their own brood.

Each child has grown into a well adjusted and accomplished person. However, what do I get in return? NOTHING! My daughters rarely call, my sons keep advising me to move to a warmer climate nearer my brothers...and hardly ever make time for even a 10 minute phone call to me. Sometimes, I lay in bed at night...alone, without a lover/husband/boyfriend...and am glad that the kids are doing well...but it was all at a great price. What price? For me its, financial struggles, low pension benefits, and a broken down body to match. If only my KIDS would take a bit of time out to visit with me...it might have been worth it. Unfortunately, they take me for granted and always assume that since I was so independent while raising them...that they don't need to take time out to be with me. I don't want that much time...just a bit of consideration!

I have friends, and a job. This is the reality of having kids sometimes. Its worthwhile for your kids...but not so much for the mother!"
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"I sympathize with everyone here. It is a terrible terrible realization to have that while you love you kids you hate, hate, hate, HATE, the role of being a parent. I wish I had never had kids. The loss of freedom is tough, but many here have said it really well: it is the loss of yourself that burns your soul to ashes."

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"All you childfree ladies if your man wants a kid run a mile as they are definetly not worth it!!!"
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"Not all of us were aware of the negatives as society as a whole makes motherhood seem like the only valuable rewarding job on earth!!!! If all the crap was actually shown how it is people would be more aware of how it actually changes your life!!!! It's the dirtiest least rewarding job of all. I love my daughter but I certainly don't find my role rewarding like it is meant to be according to society. Now she is 7 I just can't wait till she is in her 20's and old enough to look after herself, and she herself doesn't like babies and she hates playing with baby dolls so I hope she grows up not having children as I do not want to be a grandma ever!!!! "
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"I too, wish I did not have a child. My infant daughter sucks the life out of me. Every day, I long to go back to the way my life was pre-baby. I traveled around the world, dined out in peace several times a week with my husband, and was all-around happy with my life. Now, my day consists of changing poopy diapers, washing bottles, feedings, getting throwed up on and screaming sessions. Then, this same routine just repeats, day after day. I don't travel anymore. When my husband and I go out to eat, it ends up being a nightmare and not worth the effort. I miss being able to hop in the car and see a movie with the hubby and staying out late enjoying ourselves. I am now a shell of the person I once was. I am not happy at all. I don't have any love for my daughter and I don't enjoy spending time with her AT ALL. And actually, I don't think she enjoys being with me the slightest, either. She completely annoys me, and I count down the moments until my husband gets home so I can pawn her off on him and get a break. I am lucky to have 20 minutes to myself to sit down and eat something, and relax. Some days I wish I could just adopt her out to someone who would love her, but I have too much pressure on me from family to keep her. My marriage is declining and the relationship with my husband has gotten much worse since the baby was born. I truly just despise the kid. She has ruined my happy life. If I would have known what my life would turn into after having her, I would have NEVER, EVER, EVER had children. Believe me, I will NOT have another one! I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and never had a child to begin with...."
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"I wish I had never had kids. I was always getting "pressured" about when I was going to have a kid. Oh they are so much fun they say, and you will be so excited when the baby comes along. Bull. All I can tell people is mind your own freaking business. I envy my friends who are still single at 25 and have no kids or for that matter are not even married. My daughter is 9 months old and the biggest headache I have ever had. I got married at 19, big mistake, and now I have a child. There is nothing romantic about the notion of being a mom. You basically do everything for that child and have no freaking time for yourself. My sister who is 18 wants to get married to her boyfriend and I am trying to deter her from getting married so young and wait until she is the minimum age of 30. Why didn't anyone warn me?Why couldn't the older women stop with the illusion that being married and being a mom is the greatest thing on earth? If you do not have kids and you are reading this then I urge you to really think about the decision because it is a lifelong commitment and it is a lot of hard work. Most moms would say oh it is wonderful because you get such joy out of it. I don't!! It is a lie, lie, lie . .don't ever let anyone put pressure on you to have a child . .if they do tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine . .it is your life and you live it the way you want to. I am being honest and I am not going to lie about it . .I know now that I will never ever have another kid."
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"I agree with a previous poster that society leads you to believe that having children is the most wonderful thing in the world. I love my kids (most of the time), but if I knew then what I know now, I would have gotten a puppy!"
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i'll try to be more logical, so others get something out of this rather than my raving. since i was 14 i said i didn't want children. my husband accepted that, but i still knew he would like them if possible. then my brother died when i was in my late thirties. he'd had 4 kids (mad). it made me wonder what i'd regret if i died early.

I soul-searched a lot and decided that, later in life, i might regret not having children . what a ridiculous thing. i asked myself 'might i regret not having children' and answered 'yes'. i didn't ask myself if i wanted them!! I ASKED THE WRONG QUESTION. my stupidity now seems unfathomable. if only i'd read this website, or susan jeffer's book 'freeing ourselves from the mad myths of parenthood' (sometimes called 'i'm ok ...you're a brat'). for nearly 25 years i knew i didn't want to have kids then i changed my mind because of a possible worry about a possible future feeling. WHAT AN IDIOT!! ...

anyway, now i am a full-time parent and i hate it. my problems with depression and stress made it difficult for me to hold a job before i had kids,and it is harder now - it would just increase the stress i have to cope with. the drudgery of everyday life is debilitating, the boredom of school and kinder drop-offs is numbing, and the noise the kids make is drowning my brain. i am so at the end of my tether that i tell them i hate them, and it's a horrible thing to do. they also know i love them and i do often feel flooding feelings of love for them, especially when they are quiet and ready for bed!! but the overall feeling is regret and hatred, of myself and them.

typing this made me realise how much i hate and blame myself for my stupid decision. but, come on, it it the biggest stupid decision you can ever make!! it's pretty much the only decision in life that you can't get out of somehow. that's what i find hardest - that there is no way out. and as time goes on it gets harder, not easier.

anyhow, thanks for listening, and allowing me to not feel so alone. now all we need is a magic 'turn-back-time' potion and i'd be banging on the door to be first in line! "
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"I absolutely regret having my son. I love him, and want him to fare well in life, but if I had to do it over again I wouldn't. At least not as a single parent with a non-supportive 'baby daddy'. That has no doubt added to the bitterness. I know such feelings are not healthy but they are what they are and I can't help how I feel. I'm glad there is a forum for us 'regretters' to vent...lord knows you can't speak about such things among friends or family (though I wonder how many of them secretly regret their kids?). Anyway...my son has been a struggle from say age 2 to the present (he's currently 18, lazy, unmotivated, jobless, drama king, general pain in the (__)__) He can be sweet and sensitive too, but mostly he's a burden. He even says from time-to-time "I wish I was still 8" or "I don't want to grow up". Damned if I'll have him living with me til he's 30! (which seems to be the trend these days). For any ladies who are childless out there, stay that way! The world is in such turmoil now anyway it's not a good idea to bring children into it especially if you really love them. "
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"We tried to stay together but having kids ruined our relationship. Id on't blame the kids, they are just kids. But our relationship went from romance and long walks and breakfast in bed to screaming and yelling at each other. I was so exhausted I didn't feel human for years. Oh and all those people who told me motherhood was so wonderful turned right around after they were born and said 'Oh yeah, that part is horrible, that part is also horrible' and no one tells you the truth until you are in the Mothers Club. And no one wants to babysit your kids, let's just put that out there. Thank God for my parents for being there because my so called friends were all too busy to help out."
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"I HATE how your own preferences have to be subordinate to those of a selfish, irrational person ALL THE TIME. And now I feel worse reading these posts because it's not just because my kids are young. I have no reason to think that it will get better. I fantasise about suicide, but never would because I love my husband and would never do that to him. But there is no way to escape. There is no way to make myself happy again. I wish I had never had kids. I love them (it would be easier if I didn't care). I love them so much. I wish I could be a better mother for them. I can't imagine how I am fucking them up."
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"Do I "love my kids"?, yes....do like being a mom?...absolutely not!! If you have ANY reservations or questions about whether you should have kids or not...that is a clear sign that you should NOT. Unless you want your whole life to be about nothing but your kids...and don't care at all about your independence, identity, freedom, and your body (flabby belly and boobs, loss of urinary continence)...then go ahead...loose your life to the "bundle of joy"". I have found it to be a bundle of hell, pain, monotony...nothing joyful about it. I wish I never had children!"
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"I am a smart woman and could have done anything I set my mind to, but my sole focus was to have children and a husband. Now that I have everything I always hoped for I regret my narrow-minded goals. I love my kids, of course, but it feels like I'm living through this torture chamber called parenthood...

If I had a crystal ball and could have seen how our life would have been, I truly think I would have taken a different path than parenthood. None of the good times balances out with the crap that goes on daily in my house. There are only so many memories that can buoy you up." ________________________________________

This has been a long blog post and I could have posted even more comments, but I don't want to strain my readers' eyes further. The point of cutting and pasting all of these comments here is to put an end to the myth that a childfree life is rife with regret, yet parents never regret having kids. I also want to convey a message that rarely (if ever) gets conveyed to those contemplating a life free of children: don't avoid the childfree life out of fear of regret. Every life choice involves the sacrifice of other potential life choices, and all choices can result in regret, including the choice to become a parent (as illustrated by these numerous posts from regretful parents). The difference is, the choice to become a parent is irreversible and it is far worse to regret having kids than not having them.

If you are still worried about eventual childfree regret, I challenge you to search the internet to see how many posts you can find from people who regret being childfree. If you find any at all, see if you can find posts that are as bitter, angry and filled with intense regret for a life lost, as we see here with the posts from our regretful parents. I doubt you will find many at all. But go ahead...try to prove me wrong.

If you'd like to read more from regretful parents, click here.