What I am Missing (Poor Me)

 

Ah, the "have it all" lifestyle.  How wistfully I read this article.  If only I had chosen a different path, I too could spend my days feeling like a failure at everything.  Poor pitiable me.  What was I thinking choosing the childfree life?

I Wish I Had Known

Thank you to my friend Matt for forwarding me this article on Lifehacker, 10 Things I Wish I had Known Before Becoming a Parent.  This is yet another mom-penned article outlining in detail all the things that are tough about parenthood, and ending with the requisite bitch and backpedal about how it's all worth it in the end.

The author of the article covers familiar ground:

• Getting pregnant is not easy
• The first few months after the kid are born are torture
• You get no sleep for months
• Your house gets overrun with baby crap
• The expenses never stop
• It's hard to maintain a career, and working at home is not an easy solution
• You stress out a lot over whether the child is developing on schedule
• Going out anywhere is a stress fest
• For better or worse, you and your partner (and your relationship with each other) will never be the same

It always amazes when when parents say they wish they had known these things before they had kids.  I have never had a child and yet I am well aware of the downsides of parenting because:

1. I have 2 eyes.  At least 70% of the people I know have kids and I can directly observe what their lives are like.  I see they are a shell of their former self.  I see their house is overrun with kiddie crap. I see they are having a hard time staying above water.  I see they are stressed over their kid's every move.  I see them spending $200 a month on diapers. I see the burden it is for them to go anywhere. I see their marriage deteriorating. I see how tired and stressed they are.  How can anyone observe people with kids and not know the truth of what parenting is like?
2. I have never known a single parent who appeared to be more happy, fulfilled or better off in any way than I am - unless you count their tax breaks and stork parking (which I help myself to anyway).  In fact, many of them seem downright miserable.  And exhausted.  And stressed.  And broke.  And nobody can convince me that some kiddie kisses and "I love you mommy" are going to undo all of that.
3. Given #1 and #2 above, why would I be surprised to learn that being a parent is hard, full of drugery, no sleep, exhausting, draining, life-sucking and all the rest?  Why do people so easily believe the fairytales about parenthood when their own eyes can tell them the real truth, if only they would open them?

The backpedal at the end of "it's all worth it" is just a way for the complaining mom to redeem herself because we all know it is taboo for a mom to be honest about the suckage that is motherhood. For a woman, to say that it sucks to have kids is the same thing as saying "I am an awful mom", but that can be erased by qualifying all of her complaints with, "it's all worth it" at the end.  Saying "it's all worth it" also has the added benefit of bestowing saintlike martyr qualities on the complaining mom, because god knows the saint/martyr label is one that moms love to wear with pride.  LOOK AT ALL I HAVE SACRIFICED FOR MY CHILDREN! 

(Of course, if she wants to avoid having to keep up the appearance of being a good mom and claiming "it's all worth it",  she can post her bitter complaints about motherhood anonymously on the internet, as many parents are doing these days).

If ending their venting sessions with "it's all worth it" makes it a little easier for moms to endure their lifelong prison sentence and to be honest about the downsides of childrearing, than I guess we can give them a pass - for now.  At least their increasing openness about the realities of parenthood is creating a counter-balance to the overwhelming and unrealistic pronatalist mythology that has a death grip on our culture.  My hope is that as more moms and dads write articles about the harsh realities of parenthood, fewer people will feel compelled to put their pens to paper to scribble out regretful "Things I Wish I had Known Before Becoming a Parent" lists, long after it's too late to turn back.  Instead, they will put to good use the shared experiences of parents and non-parents (and hopefully their own observations) to thoughtfully and intelligently weigh out the costs and benefits before making a monumental and life-altering leap.

The Perfect Day? (Surprise, surprise: it doesn't include kids)

Recent research published in the Journal of Economic Psychology revealed something interesting, but probably not surprising to us childfree folks.

Researchers asked 900 women what they do each day and how they feel about it and then based on this information assembled a "woman's perfect day". Here is the breakdown:

- 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep
- 106 minutes of intimate relations with their partner
- 98 minutes of computer (email and internet)
- 82 minutes of socializing with friends
- 78 minutes relaxing
- 75 minutes eating
- 68 minutes exercising
- 57 minutes talking on the phone
- 56 minutes shopping
- 50 minutes preparing food
- 36 minutes working
- 33 minutes commuting
- 2 minutes doing housework
- 2 minutes with their children

This research is all over the morning shows today and the show hosts are carrying on and cackling about the revelation that women are so into "intimate relations". What they downplayed, though, is the more interesting factor - that time with their children is all the way at the bottom of the list of things that comprise a woman's "perfect day".

This is interesting when we consider that motherhood is touted as a woman's greatest joy in life and the thing that brings her the greatest life satisfaction. Moms are constantly congratulating each other and holding each other up as virtual saints, and continually praising their mom role in every venue available. Meanwhile, women who choose not to have children are perceived as misguided and unhappy and derided for being clueless, having empty, meaningless lives and not knowing what is truly important in life.

Yet, when research like this comes out, the truth reveals itself. If motherhood is such a joy, why does "time with their children" rank at the very bottom of the list of things that comprise a woman's perfect day? If being a mom is so joyful, and motherhood is the most satisfying part of a woman's life, shouldn't we expect to see "time with kids" toward the TOP of this list?

Research such as this illuminates the buried truth about motherhood - that it is primarily drudgery and not the joyful nirvana it is made out to be. Look closely at the description above of the perfect day and ask yourself: who is more likely to experience a perfect day - a childfree woman or a mom? I think you know the answer.

The Bullet I Dodged

This morning on my drive to work, I was listening to our local public radio station and this story about women and midlife crisis came on.   Dr. Dan Gottlieb (a family therapist) explained that just as many men go through a midlife crisis in their middle years, so do women.  He explained that a woman's midlife crisis comes about when her children leave home and she is faced with "empty nest syndrome".  With feelings of loss, confusion and resentment, she is faced with an identity crisis:  she has done everything society expected her to do (i.e. have kids) and now that her kids are gone, she doesn't know who she is or what she wants to do with the rest of her life.  She is lost.

I have heard mothers talk about empty nest syndrome and the mourning they go through and I have always thought with relief, "there's one more bullet I dodged", but I never considered that I also dodged the larger overriding bullet of falling victim to the dreaded midlife crisis.

I am 46 years old and in only a few months, I will be 47 - just 3 years shy of the big 5-0.  Assuming I live to be 90, I am already past the mid-life mark.  Yet, I feel more vibrant and self aware than ever.  My life is in high gear, just as it always has been, yet with age I have gained some wonderful things that I lacked in my younger years.  My identity is firmly intact. I know exactly who I am, I like who I am (faults and all) - and with the exception of some improvements with age (and a few gray hairs, I am sad to say), I am pretty much the same person I was 10 years ago.  I like what I am doing with my life and I can easily envision my future and how I will fill the years I have left.  I don't worry if everyone likes me.  I don't ask "who am I?".  I don't feel empty, depressed, lost, confused about my identity (or reliant on another person to give me one).  I am proud of the fact that I have never needed to serve as a host to a parastitic being in order to feel fulfilled as a woman or to give my life purpose.  And I am even happier that I will never fall into despair because said parasite no longer needs to feed off me.

Many people envision a life without children as a huge, sad, gaping hole - a lack, a loss, a meaningless existence.  I have always seen it as the opposite - a beautiful, inviting space to create exactly the life I want and to share it with the people I love the most - people with whom I share mutual caring, support and devotion.  And lucky for me, none of these people are leaving me in the dust after draining my life's savings.

I admit that when I first heard Dr. Gottlieb define the female midlife crisis in terms of motherhood, I was annoyed.  Once again, the childfree perspective was altogether ignored and as usual woman was equated with mother.  Dr. Gottlieb might argue that since female midlife crisis is related to empty nest sydrome, it simply doesn't apply to childfree women.  But wouldn't it have been great if he mentioned that fact?  Wouldn't it have been great if the interviewer asked, "What about women who do not have children?  Are they less likely to go through a mid-life crisis?"  Wouldn't it be great if non-mothers were even acknowledged to exist?  Considering that 20% of American women end their childbearing years without giving birth to a child, we're not exactly part of an invisible minority anymore, despite the fact that the media still treats us like we are.

Putting my annoyance aside, what I mainly felt after hearing that story was intense relief and gratitude.  I am grateful that age 46 is just a wiser and more self-aware version of 26, and that age 50 will hopefully find me a slightly better version of who I am today.  I am grateful that I am self-defined, know what I want to be doing today, tomorrow and 5 years from now, and I am relieved that I won't wake up tomorrow, or next year, and ask myself who the heck I am.