Who Represents Us - Them or Us?

One of my favorite television shows in the 1990s was Ally McBeal.  I really loved that quirky show.  So recently, when hubby and I ditched cable t.v. and switched to streaming, I was excited to see that my old favorite was available for viewing, commercial-free.

So, I've been chipping away at the episodes and it's fun because I don't remember much of them, so it's like watching a brand new series.  I'm on Season 2 right now.  Anyway, an interesting thing came up in an episode called "The Dance".  The character, attorney Nell Porter revealed (to the horror of her male colleagues) that she doesn't want children.  Yes, a vocal childfree-by-choice character on a hit television show!  I was very excited (for a few moments). 

This revelation came up because she was defending a law firm client against charges of discrimination against mothers in the workplace (i.e. non-moms get made partner, moms don't).  Outside the courtroom, when Nell's male colleagues begin talking in stereotypical ways about women - that it is every woman's destiny and desire to have children - Nell fearlessly reveals that she does not want children and gives a compelling speech that would make my readers proud.  She lays it all out.  Not all women want children.  Motherhood is an honorable choice, as is the choice not to have children.  Women who go from working 14 hour days (before kids) to 8 hour days (after kids) should not expect the same promotions as women who continue to put in 14 hour days, plowing tirelessly down the partner track.  Moms should not be given special treatment in the workplace, because that would result in discrimination against those who choose not to have kids.

Wow.  Impressive so far.

But then, as it always happens, the childfree stereotypes quickly rear their ugly heads and it all goes off the rails.

First, let's start with the producer's choice to make Nell, a character who is so notoriously cold and buttoned up that her nickname is "Subzero Nell",  the childfree character.  Stereotype #1:  the childfree person as cold.

Second, Nell's argument about moms versus non-moms in the workplace, while noble and on-point in some important ways, centers mostly on the idea that women who choose not to have children do so solely because they are career-hungry and getting ahead in their careers is more important to them than family.  Childfree stereotype #2.

Third:  The plaintiff mom wins the case and the jury finds that the defendant law firm discriminated against moms by not giving them the same promotions as the non-moms.

Fourth, and the final nail in the coffin:  As the episode unfolds, Nell admits to her colleagues, in a moment of emotional honesty, that she is a child of divorce and it is the pain she suffered as a child - feeling torn between two parents - that resulted in her desire to not have children.  At the end of the episode, she is shown sitting by her hope chest, clutching two teddy bears against her (one from each of her parent's homes) and weeping.  Sigh.  The stereotype of the childfree as damaged goods.  Picture complete.

As a childfree woman, it is incredibly disheartening that despite the fact that 40% of U.S. women reach the age of 40 without bearing children, there are so few representations of us in the media.  When a representation of a childfree woman does appear, as in this Ally episode, it is always comprised of tired stereotypes that bear little resemblance to the childfree women I know. 

Ultimately, this drives home this important point.   Real childfree people, like you and me, have a very important responsibility.  We must be our own representations to the world, and we must also be the role models for others coming up behind us.  People struggling with the decision to be childfree need role models, so they can see a truthful representation of what it really means to live a life free of children instead of the tired, negative stereotypes that paint a bleak and unappealing picture of the childfree life.   At 46 years old, I know with certainty that my childfree identity is not one of coldness, emptiness, loneliness and selfishness but rather one of thoughtfulness, intelligence, warmth, fearlessness, engagement, spaciousness, freedom and opportunity, yet I had to discover this for myself because I did not have a single role model to represent this to me.

If you are a childfree person who is happy and comfortable with your decision, do yourself and the generation behind you a favor.  Don't lie about your choice.  Don't downplay your decision.  Don't take the cowardly route and say you are infertile or that you will have kids someday just to get people off your back.  Stand proud and be honest about your decision for the bigger good.  Be someone that others can look to and see that it's great to be childfree by choice - that you are happy, fulfilled and even normal.   Be visible and counted so others will not feel so odd and alone.  If we want the tired old stereotypes about us to be stamped out, we need to be the instruments in writing the new narrative about who and what we really are.

Oprah: Close, but no cigar

Did anyone catch the Oprah show today? The episode was called The Secret Lives of Moms and it consisted of a bunch of moms (including actress Cheryl Hines) spilling the beans on the "downside" of motherhood - all the dirty little secrets - the horrors, the disappointments, the messes, the upsets, the frustrations. When I stumbled upon this show while channel flipping, I thought, hmm, this might be interesting fodder for my blog. Are they actually going to come clean or is it going to be another one of these mom support sessions where all the moms (and the host) entertain each other with cute little anecdotes which amount to a big group hug and a pat on the back for being the heroines of American culture? Well, I am sorry to report it was just what I suspected it would be.

On the upside, the mothers on the show did spill the beans on the stuff that stays hush-hush and gets pushed under the rug in our reproduction-crazed culture: the loss of identity, the loss of freedom, the loss of friendships, the decline of marital relationships, the loss of a sex life, the sickening and often unbearable day-to-day tasks that mothers must endure. However, it was all said with a hearty chuckle and a yes, we all must endure this and are better people for it mentality that refuses to be shaken loose from our culture. Never once in this discussion, or any discussion on the Oprah show, is there ever any mention of the alternative choice to remain childfree. Motherhood is treated as a mandate - a part of life as required as breathing - and never as a choice. This is particularly disapppointing to me because Oprah herself is childfree by choice and leads a very fulfiling and admirable life.

Imagine how great it would be if Oprah Winfrey did a show dedicated entirely to the childfree lifestyle and interviewed couples (or even women) who have chosen not to have children. What an eye opening and enlightening episode this would be for her audience. Oprah yields tremendous power to influence and is herself a childfree woman, and yet her shows do nothing to so far as mention the alternative of living a life free of children.

As a writer on this issue, I know that a lot of people find my blog because they are searching for information on the option not to have children. More and more people are contemplating this lifestyle, and are itching for more information about what it's really like to be childfree. Those who have already made the childfree choice are yearning for acceptance and understanding in our culture. How sad that we can only find honest information and understanding on childfree blogs and websites? Despite the growing popularity of childfreedom, the mainstream media all but completely ignores the issue and it is really disheartening to me that not even Oprah Winfrey, one of the rare major celebrities who outwardly professes to be childfree by choice, is willing to break the silence on this issue and expose the truth about the childfree lifestyle.

I have decided I am going to write to the producers of the Oprah Winfrey show and suggest my idea for an episode on childfreedom. Will you do the same? Isn't it about time we get some serious, mainstream press? Isn't it time Oprah shines a spotlight on the fabulous lifestyle she herself has embraced?

Please write to the producers of the Oprah Winfrey show here. And if you'd like, please post a copy of your message as a comment to this post as well. I'll be posting mine shortly.

Oh and by the way, happy Independence Day - you know I mean that in more ways than one ;)

Train Keeps a Rollin'

In the ongoing train wreck saga that is Nadya Suleman, there is certainly no shortage of material to write about. Where do I start?

In this interview with Ann Curry of the Today Show, Suleman defends herself against her many critics. Apparently (and not surprisingly), the primary thrust of anger directed at Suleman concerns the fact that despite having no job and 6 children already to support, she deliberately set out to have an entire brood of additional children with no means to support them, leaving the expense to the taxpayers. Interestingly, in her first interview with Ann Curry, Suleman had stated she and her children do not receive welfare, however it has since come to light that she receives food stamps as well as a total of $1,800 per month in SSI payments for her autistic son and 2 other children with disabilities (said disabilities, by the way, are more likely in multiple births - another reason it is selfish to be implanted with multiple embryos).

Suleman's explanation? "I am not living off of any taxpayer money. If I am - if it is food stamps - it's a temporary resource. We receive no cash and it's every month - about $190 - and it's going for food."

Excuse me? So in one sentence she states she is not living off taxpayer money, yet she states she receives food stamps. Who does she think pays for said food stamps?

She then goes on to defend herself against statements made by her own mother who claimed that Nadya is incapable of of caring for 14 children. Nadya's response? "What human in this planet is capable to take care of 14 independently without support from family, from friends, from church!?"

Precisely! This is exactly why a jobless, broke, single mother with 6 kids has no business having 8 more!

Let me ask you a question, Nadya. Did you consult with your family, friends and church members before you voluntarily got implanted with a multitude of embryos to ascertain whether they were willing or interested in "helping" you with a new litter of 8 children? Did it ever occur to you that perhaps people have their own lives to live, their own spouses and/or children to care for? Maybe they would like to focus on them. Maybe they would like to attend to their own families, instead of sacrificing their time, money and effort to accommodate your selfish desire for a boatload of kids that you have no means to support or care for.

Suleman says (with a chuckle) that we've all heard the saying "it takes a village to raise a child. Well, this will take a lot of villages!"

Thanks, Nadya, for volunteering us all to take care of the problems you've created.

Despite her desire for the villagers to rally together to tend to her family, she simultaneously holds the view that people should not "dissect" her life or make judgements about it. "It's really kind of sick because I think people really need to focus on their own lives...and stop trying to fixate on other people. I think that's unfortunate for them."

Good point, Nadya. Actually, we'd like to focus on our own lives, but since you recruited us villagers to raise your children, our focus has understandably shifted to you.

On a separate, but related issue, I pose a question to you today. How is it that someone who has no job, lives at home with her parents, has a boatload of children to support and is living off of food stamps, disability payments and student loans, can afford to have substantial plastic surgery costing (according to one plastic surgeon) in the area of $20,000? Don't know what I am talking about? Check out these 2 photos of Suleman - one from a few years ago and a recent photo - and tell me if anything looks suspicious to you:

Let's connect the dots here. Could it be that her obsession with having children has been fueled (or exacerbated) by the rampant pronatalist glorification and worship of breeding and motherhood in the media? Could it be that Suleman craves the adoration heaped upon the Queen-of-all-prolific-Mothers, Angelina Jolie?

I have written quite a bit about the danger of media pronatalism and this is the ultimate example of what can happen to people who get whisked away on the pronatalist train as it careens down the tracks.

(I don't blame Angelina, by the way. She is apparently just as creeped out by Suleman as the rest of us.)

Beautiful Post-Baby Bods

One of the many ways pronatalism asserts itself in our day-to-day lives is through the media's relentless obsession with celebrity pregnancy and childbearing. When a celebrity is pregnant, the paparazzi feverishly chase her all over creation to capture the money shots - those lucrative "baby bump" photos. After giving birth, the obsession shifts to the baby itself. What magazine will get the first shot? Who will get the exclusive? Just how gorgeous IS that baby?

After everyone's seen the baby, we hold our collective breath as we wait on pins and needles to find out the God-awful name the baby was given (let's see, will it be worse than Apple, Moxie Crime Fighter, Kyd, Sage Moonblood, Pilot Inspektor?). Then, as the happy couple settles into parenthood bliss there is only one final place to turn the camera - to the celebrity's post-pregnancy bod.

Bashing the Baby Bump

Is it just me, or is the media frenzy surrounding celebrity "baby bumps" extremely annoying and tiresome? I like to follow celebrity news like every other mindless American but this is ridiculous. Let me ask you, friends...do YOU care which celebrities are pregnant? Does the sight of a female celebrity frolicking in a loose fitting smock send you racing to the entertainment tabloids? When a celebrity's baby is born, do you hustle to the t.v. and hungrily flip channels to see the first footage of the precious little imp?

I personally don't know anyone who gives two hoots about celebrity pregnancies and yet if you are to believe the entertainment television shows, tabloids, blogs and web sites, knocked up celebs are on the top of everyone's MUST KNOW list (but then again, so is the latest on Britney Spears' trainwreck life and I can't figure that out either).

I've given this some thought and the only thing I can think of that may be remotely interesting about celeb's pregnancy is watching previously rail-thin, concentration camp-looking bodies expand into enormity and seeing how they cope with it. Will they get stretch marks and saggy boobs like normal women (probably not, thanks to cosmetic surgery and personal trainers)? This just shows you how hungry Americans are for mindless entertainment because the plain fact is that there just ain't nothin' exceptional or interesting about getting impregnanted and having babies. As I have said before, it's just so ordinary.

Sadly, media frenzy does not end with the birth of the baby. We are bombarded with the nail-bitingly, edge-of-your-seat excitement of Brangelina taking their brood to the playground. WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK? How empty must a person's life be to find a photo of Brad Pitt pushing his kid on a swing entertaining?

No, I just don't get it, and I guess that's a good thing because if I did get it, that would make a pretty sad statment about me.