Childfree Celebrity Spotlight: Oprah Winfrey

Although I've known for a long time that Oprah was childfree-by-choice, I did not feature her on my Childfree Celebrity Spotlight page because she never openly discussed her childfree status.  And no wonder.  When your multi-billion dollar empire is built on the cash-cow market of moms, it's your job to make them feel that moms are the greatest and most important people on earth, so it's probably not in your best interest to rub it in their faces that you deliberately did NOT choose their lifestyle.

Once Oprah's network talk show went off the air, however, things changed - a little.  She began to open up about her choice not to have kids and stated that it was a deliberate decision that she feels very comfortable with.  When asked how she feels about not having children, she said:

Really good. No regrets whatsoever. Gayle grew up writing the names of her would-be children, making little hearts and putting children's names in them. Never occurred to me to do that. I never had a desire. And I don't think I could have this life and have children. One of the lessons I've learned from doing the show is just how much sacrifice and attention is required to do the job of mothering well. Nothing in my background prepared or trained me to do that. So I don't have any regrets about it at all. And I do feel like I am a mother in a broader sense—to a generation of viewers who've grown up with me.

In this interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah discusses her decision at the 7:30 mark.  Note how Barbara dropped the "regret" bingo on her.



Want to see what other celebrities are childfree by choice? Check out my list and be sure to let me know if you learn of others so I can be sure to add them!

Oprah: Close, but no cigar

Did anyone catch the Oprah show today? The episode was called The Secret Lives of Moms and it consisted of a bunch of moms (including actress Cheryl Hines) spilling the beans on the "downside" of motherhood - all the dirty little secrets - the horrors, the disappointments, the messes, the upsets, the frustrations. When I stumbled upon this show while channel flipping, I thought, hmm, this might be interesting fodder for my blog. Are they actually going to come clean or is it going to be another one of these mom support sessions where all the moms (and the host) entertain each other with cute little anecdotes which amount to a big group hug and a pat on the back for being the heroines of American culture? Well, I am sorry to report it was just what I suspected it would be.

On the upside, the mothers on the show did spill the beans on the stuff that stays hush-hush and gets pushed under the rug in our reproduction-crazed culture: the loss of identity, the loss of freedom, the loss of friendships, the decline of marital relationships, the loss of a sex life, the sickening and often unbearable day-to-day tasks that mothers must endure. However, it was all said with a hearty chuckle and a yes, we all must endure this and are better people for it mentality that refuses to be shaken loose from our culture. Never once in this discussion, or any discussion on the Oprah show, is there ever any mention of the alternative choice to remain childfree. Motherhood is treated as a mandate - a part of life as required as breathing - and never as a choice. This is particularly disapppointing to me because Oprah herself is childfree by choice and leads a very fulfiling and admirable life.

Imagine how great it would be if Oprah Winfrey did a show dedicated entirely to the childfree lifestyle and interviewed couples (or even women) who have chosen not to have children. What an eye opening and enlightening episode this would be for her audience. Oprah yields tremendous power to influence and is herself a childfree woman, and yet her shows do nothing to so far as mention the alternative of living a life free of children.

As a writer on this issue, I know that a lot of people find my blog because they are searching for information on the option not to have children. More and more people are contemplating this lifestyle, and are itching for more information about what it's really like to be childfree. Those who have already made the childfree choice are yearning for acceptance and understanding in our culture. How sad that we can only find honest information and understanding on childfree blogs and websites? Despite the growing popularity of childfreedom, the mainstream media all but completely ignores the issue and it is really disheartening to me that not even Oprah Winfrey, one of the rare major celebrities who outwardly professes to be childfree by choice, is willing to break the silence on this issue and expose the truth about the childfree lifestyle.

I have decided I am going to write to the producers of the Oprah Winfrey show and suggest my idea for an episode on childfreedom. Will you do the same? Isn't it about time we get some serious, mainstream press? Isn't it time Oprah shines a spotlight on the fabulous lifestyle she herself has embraced?

Please write to the producers of the Oprah Winfrey show here. And if you'd like, please post a copy of your message as a comment to this post as well. I'll be posting mine shortly.

Oh and by the way, happy Independence Day - you know I mean that in more ways than one ;)

Oprah Shines a Light

Thanks to CFVixen for forwarding me this article about a recent Oprah show in which the spotlight was focused on the harsh realities of motherhood.

Now, if only Oprah would do a show about the childfree lifestyle, we could really claim progress. Trust me - it'll never happen.

Dumb Advice

During my lunch break today, I grabbed an old issue of Oprah's magazine and sat down for a little mindless lunch hour escape.

There was an article about 21 Things to Stop Worrying About Right Now and here's one of the things, according to Oprah's magazine, that women should stop worrying about:

The clock is ticking, but I'm not sure I want a child - yet I worry that if I don't have one, I'll regret it when it's too late.

Gail Saltz, MD: "There are parts of life where you can compromise, but not here: You either have a child or don't.

The fear of regretting that you didn't have a child is not the best reason to have one. That said, rarely have I seen a patient who regretted becoming a mother, because once the baby is in the world, the woman loves it. Usually, the woman wants to be a parent and it's her spouse who isn't sure; he goes along with it because he listens to her fear of regret. Yet, when the baby is born, he doesn't regret it either; he loves it too.

On the other hand, I have had patients who've regretted not having children. The good news is, there are so many ways you can rectify that, including adoption and IVF."

Dumb (and oh-so-predictable) advice. Here's my advice, which I guarantee you will never read in O (or any other womens' magazine):

First of all, kudos to you for realizing that having children is a choice, not a given and for putting thought into this life-altering decision, something that very, very few people do.

There are parts of life where you can compromise, but not here: having a child is something you should do only if you have a burning desire and are 110% certain that you want it with the entire strength of your being and if you are willing to sacrifice your life for it (because you will). Even if you do have the burning desire for a child, the decision should not be taken lightly because although it would be terrible to regret not having a child, it would be far
worse to regret having one. Once you have that child, you can't change your mind and give it back. Once you walk down that path, you're on it for life. This is why you don't often hear mothers talking openly about their regrets of being mothers. It is too painful for many of them to admit aloud their regrets, for there is nothing they can do to rectify their situation. Motherhood is a prison from which a woman can not easily escape.

Your fear of regret probably comes not from yourself but from the brainwashing you (and all women) have received your entire life telling you that the only way you can truly be happy and fulfilled as a woman is to have a child and that if you don't have a child, you will regret it later. This brainwashing is a full-on assault and is coming at you from all angles - your friends, family, the media - even women's magazines like O.

Well I am here to tell you differently. If you have a child, of course you will love the child, but that doesn't mean motherhood is the optimal choice and the lifestyle that will make you the happiest. Who's to say you wouldn't be happier with a life free of children? The regrets and loss of not having children are frequently spoken of, but what about the regrets and loss incurred in having children? If you have a child, will you regret the loss of your freedom, your autonomy, your identity, your peace of mind, your financial comfort, your marital happiness, your sex life, your friendships, to name a few? The losses a mother incurs are a well-kept secret but they are real and should be considered very carefully.

Look around you at all the mothers you know and ask yourself how many of them seem to be truly happy and enjoying their lives and their marriages. Do most of them seem happier than you? If not, ask yourself why you would want a life that is no happier than yours or that is less happy. Is this fear of regret really coming from you, or from another source? And if that source happens to be Oprah's magazine, just remember that Oprah is happily childfree by choice and is the last person who should be publishing magazine articles telling women to go ahead and have children even though they are not sure they want them.