More Annoying Parental Self-Congratulation

We've all seen these types of proclamations posted on Facebook, usually by wrung-out moms who need to constantly announce themselves as martyrs for the greater good of humanity so they can feel better about the parental prison sentence they are serving.

I couldn't resist when an old friend of mine posted this on Facebook.  My reply was, "I don't have kids and I put others before myself", to which she replied, "That is rare in this day and age!", which is true, but let's take a closer look at why it is true.  I would argue that being oriented around others is so rare today in large part because today's PARENTS - by virtue of adopting the notion that once a person has kids they become the center of the universe - have created a bunch of coddled, narcissistic entitled monsters who expect the corner office on their first day of work and who spend their days angling their IPhone for the perfect selfie and then staring down it all day long to see how many "likes" they get.

Of course, it stands to reason that only parents can put others before themselves.  How could someone like me - a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a colleague, a volunteer and a companion to 3 cats, even imagine putting someone before myself?  We all know that only parents know how to do this,whereas people like me are completely self-centered and spend not a single moment thinking of another person (insert sarcasm here).

The proclamation posted above does capture one thing correctly.  Parents must spend the rest of their lives putting that child before themselves, whereas a non-parent like me can simultaneously attend to the needs of others as well as to her own needs, without feeling resentment and without giving up her identity in the process.  Yes, I am a devoted wife, friend, daughter, etc., but not one of those roles defines me or imprisons me.  I don't have to neglect my own needs or put them on a shelf for 20 years because another being is sucking the life out of me.  I can have my cake and eat it too.

Imagine if a childfree woman posted self-congratulatory posts on Facebook about being childfree.  How do you think it would go over?  Can you imagine the response I would get if I posted something like:

The moment you decided not to have children, was the moment you chose to truly live life and contribute to the world in meaningful ways.

How many "likes" do you think I would get?

Women who ARE their Children

Thanks to CFVixen for forwarding me a link to a fabulous article by Katie Roiphe entitled Get Your Kid Off Your Facebook Page: Why do Women Hide Behind their Children? Katie addresses the disturbing trend of women using their childrens' pictures as their profile pictures, thus (in a way) sending the message that their identities are their childrens'. This is a smart and thought-provoking article about how women are taking a step backward and undoing many of the gains that have been made by living through their children.

Parents on Facebook (continued)

Another observation about parents on Facebook:

Have you witnessed this phenomenon? A parent will post a status update such as:

"...is so proud of Brittany for making the honor roll!"

And then, after the parent's boastful update, all of the parent's Facebook friends come out of the woodwork to outdo each other:

Comment #1: "Congrats! John made honor roll three times so far and we think he's going to be admitted to Harvard in the fall."

Comment #2: "Wait'll she makes National Honor Society. When Chelsea was inducted, that was the proudest moment of our lives."

Comment #3: "Congratulations. Will she be in the gifted program in the fall? If so, maybe she can hang out with my Amanda! She's been in the gifted program for 3 years now."

Comment #4: "My son is in the gifted program at St. Bart's. "

And on and on it goes, each parent more interested in bragging about their own kid and hoping that their kid's achievements will make them look like big success stories, than in congratulating the person posting the update. I don't know what is sadder - the fact that people are so self-absorbed and conceited, or the fact that they have no life of their own and must live vicariously through their kids.

More Baby Mama Facebook Drama

Remember my recent post about the Facebook "friend" whose non-stop updates about the minutia of her baby's life were driving me crazy?

We're not friends anymore.

One day, she posted yet another baby-related status update announcing that the cost of daycare is CRIMINAL and she can't believe it's 40% higher than it was back when she had her first child (who is now 11). So a bunch of her FB friends (parents) posted comments to her update sympathizing and agreeing with her, some specifying how much they pay for childcare and what an outrage it is. It was a big pity party.

So, feeling a little frisky that day, I posted this comment: "Another reason I am happy we don't have kids".

A day or so later, I went back to that thread to read comments after mine and guess what? My comment was gone. She deleted it! So guess what I did? I deleted her. I de-friended her. I know that sounds extreme and probably makes me an official Facebook meanie, but we were just acquaintences and I had been tossing around the idea of de-friending her for some time because her incessant "Baby Joey" updates had been driving me spit-bubbles (hence my vent on this blog). She is a nice person, though, and to date I had always felt too guilty to de-friend her. I just couldn't bring myself to do it - until now.

Of course, just my luck: she immediately noticed that I de-friended her, assumed it was because she had deleted my comment and sent me a private message apologizing and explaining her reasons for doing so. Apparently one of her FB friends is a young woman who is pregnant and anxious about having children and she thought my comment might make her feel even more anxious. She said she occasionally deletes friends' comments if she thinks they will hurt or offend any of her other friends. She encouraged me to re-friend her.

My response to her was that I didn't see how my little comment about being happy we don't have kids is any more anxiety-producing than the drawn-out discussion about how expensive childcare is. If anything is going to produce anxiety in a young, nervous mother-to-be, I think a detailed accounting of exhorbitant daycare costs will do it. Realizing that I did not want to re-friend her, I decided to be honest and told her that I think she's a really nice person and I wish her all the best, but I wasn't connecting with her constant updates about the baby and it felt like too much for me.

She got defensive and didn't take it well, and the conversation went downhill from there. She accused me of being closed-minded, saying that she has FB friends of all kinds - people who have kids, people who don't have kids, people who like kids, and people who don't like kids, and they are all open-minded enough to indulge her updates.

At this point, I could have let it die (and perhaps I should have), but I didn't. Let's just say I was in a mood. So I told her that I think it would be helpful for her to consider her audience when posting updates. Perhaps her friends may like to hear about other things besides her baby and may tire of hearing every single detail of Baby Joey's life and nothing else. I gave her the example of my cat (the example I wrote about in here) and asked her if she would enjoy reading daily updates about every aspect of my cat's life and nothing else - her vet visits, the flavor of food she ate this morning, how much hair came out in her daily brushing, the brand of cat litter we use. I told her my feelings about her updates had nothing to do with liking or not liking children, and I was sorry if she took offense with my honesty, but I really thought it would be helpful to her to know the truth of how I feel.

(I didn't say this, but I am also sure many of her non-baby obsessed FB friends who are similarly tired to death of her boring-ass updates would be CHEERING me on for my honesty, if they knew about our exchange).

As you might imagine, my cat-update-comparison didn't go over too well and her reply was something to the effect of "you can't compare cats to kids" and "good riddance" and that was it - the end of our Facebook friendship. I felt a little badly at first because I know I was a bit hard on her, but I think after months of enduring those awful, mind-numbing, narcissistic Baby Joey updates, her deletion of my comment was simply the final straw.

Edited to Add: For those of you who have similar Facebook issues, I have since learned that there is a way to stop a friend's updates from appearing on your wall without de-friending them. If you put your cursor over the friend's name (on their update), you will see a link appear to the right of their update that says "Hide (friend's name)" Click that link to "hide" the person and their updates will no longer show on your wall (although they will still be in your friend list).

Message to Parents: NOBODY CARES

Here's a question for the parents out there. What makes you think we are interested in hearing every single detail of your child's life? Here are the Facebook updates posted by an aquaintance (former co-worker) of mine over the last couple weeks. She obviously has no life (or no interests in anything) other than her baby.

7/28: "Taking Baby Joey on his morning walk."

7/27: "Had a nice weekend with family and friends. Now playing with Baby Joey."

7/25: Posts photo album of Baby Joey.

7/25: Posts photo album of kids eating dinner.

7/25: "Going to see the Johnsons with Baby Joey."

7/25: "Time for morning walk with Baby Joey."

7/24: "Poor Baby Joey has 5 teeth coming in at the same time and he is not feeling well."

7/23: "Getting ready to take Baby Joey for his 9 month check-up."

7/21: "The night before job interview and Baby Joey is teething and up all night. Tylenol has failed us LOL"

7/20: Posts photo album of Baby Joey in swimming pool

7/21: "Sleep is over-rated."

7/19: "Playing with Baby Joey."

7/18: Posts photo album of kids (and yes, Baby Joey)

7/18: "4 a.m. wake-up call is better than 3 a.m."

7/17: "Is it worth buying Baby Joey a new toy when all he does is play with the box?"

7/15: "is chanting please baby sleep through the night prayer LOL"

7/11: Posts photo album of Baby Joey.

7/11: "Baby Joey enjoyed his early morning nature walk."

Does anyone really CARE about this stuff? I wonder what people would think of me if I posted similar updates about my cat?

7/27: "Tabby is enjoying having her ears scratched."

7/26: "Scooping out Tabby's litter box. Man, how is it possible to poop out 20 pounds when you only eat 2?"

7/26: "Giving Tabby her morning love snuggle."

7/25: "Took Tabby out on the lawn with her cat leash. She looks so adorable in it!"

7/24: "Tabby saw a rabbit in the yard today. She was licking her chops."

7/23: "Got home 1 hour late from work and Tabby gave me the cold shoulder. I think she's mad at me."

7/22: "Tabby ate too much and puked all over the kitchen floor."

7/20: "Taking Tabby for her bi-annual vet check-up."

7/19: "Tabby didn't snuggle with me last night. My feelings are hurt."

7/18: "Hubby says Tabby loves him the best. I think she loves me more."

7/17: "Gave Tabby a good brushing this morning. Man, she's really shedding!"

7/15: Posts photo album of Tabby rolling on the lawn

7/14: "Tabby's gut is getting bigger. I think she needs to go on a kitty diet."

7/13: Post photo album of Tabby lounging on the couch.

7/12: "Tabby's back right leg is twitching and I am concerned."

7/11: "Tried a new brand of cat food this morning. Tabby turned her nose up at it."

Are you asleep yet?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Big Red F

Okay, I admit it. Over the past few months I have become a Facebook addict. I never thought it would happen because frankly, when I first heard about Facebook, I didn't understand it and didn't get the appeal. I didn't even get the appeal when I first signed up. But over time, as more and more of my old friends, neighbors, coworkers, band mates and long-lost family members began connecting and interacting with me, I finally got the appeal and now my daily visits to Facebook are not only an addiction, they are a virtual episode of This is Your Life. Very, very fun.

It's interesting being a childfree person on Facebook in a sea of cyberparents. Every day I am greeted with their updates, many of which concern their children, and here's the interesting thing - when people comment about their children, inevitably their comments are negative. For example:

"Mom's Taxi..still up and running at 1:45 am! ugh!! .... No matter how old they get, Mom is still the 1st one they call! (but I wouldnt mind being the 2nd or third once in a while EITHER!) lol"

"...is selling her encyclopedias...I have a 20 year old that thinks he knows EVERYTHING!!!"

"...poor baby G was screaming and teething all day long."

"...Is wishing everyone would stop needing me! (just for a little while).... needs an escape!!!"

Here's an observation I have often made about parenthood - and it is precisely this observation that was critical to informing my decision not to have children:

If parenthood is so wonderful, if the benefits of having children far outweigh the costs, if all the hardship is so worth it as parents like to claim, why is 80-90% of what we observe coming out of parents concerning parenthood negative?

I observe the people in my life who are parents. I watch them interact with their kids. I listen to them talk about their kids. I read their Facebook updates. I observe the effects of parenthood on them - their physical, spiritual, psychological and emotional health and what do I see? I see exhaustion. I see aggravation. I see stress. I see upset. I see financial strain. I see marital strain. What I do not see is joy, happiness and fulfilment.

A parent's typical answer to this is "yes, it is really hard, but it's so worth it. The good makes up for the bad."

Okay, so for a moment, let's take parents at their word. Let's assume the good of being a parent outweighs the bad. Here's my question. If the good makes up for the bad, and even outweighs the bad - if the cost of being a parent is lower than the rewards, shouldn't we observers see more happiness and joy from said parents than unhappiness and strain? How about a 50/50 split? Even that would be somewhat convincing that the good makes up for the bad. But that's not what I see. When I look around and observe the people in my life who are parents, what I see is primarily strain and unhappiness. I observe closely to witness this overriding joy and happiness they claim makes up for all the strain and unhappiness, but the joy and happiness I see is at most brief and fleeting - the occasional smile, laugh or look of love at a child, followed by a corresponding 12 hours of stressing and straining under the burden of them.

I do realize that the love a person feels for their child is larger than almost anything in life and there's nothing like the feeling of intense love. But at what cost do people pursue this version of love? I have an intensity of love for my husband which is greater than any love I have ever had for any person or any thing and guess what? It doesn't cost me anything. I don't have to struggle, stress and strain to enjoy our love. It flows freely and evenly and there is no cost associated with it. Parents might argue that the love one feels for a child is greater than the love one feels for a spouse. My response is that I don't want to love anyone more than my spouse. Hubby comes first in my life and always will and I like it that way. I love making him my first priority and the object of all the good, the giving, the joy and love I have to offer. I also enjoy coming first in his life too. It's a good deal all-around - a real win-win situation.

When I tell people that I am happily married, they can observe my hubby and me together and their observations will validate my claim. Try applying the same test to parenthood and what do you get?