Another study telling us what we already know

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Yet another study showing that parents are unhappier than people without kids.  This doesn't surprise me at all, but what does surprise me is how shocking this is to people.  Wow - you mean having kids is hard?  It's isolating?  It's depressing?  Why does this surprise people?  I have never had children, yet I am fully aware of these things by just observing everyone I know who has kids.

In this clip, Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, explains that the unhappiness caused by having a child can be worse than going through a divorce, losing a job or experiencing the death of a partner.  She explains this by pointing out that new parents are not given the same support as someone going through a divorce, job loss or death of a partner because a new parent is assumed to be "happy" and therefore left alone.

Some random thoughts:

• Isn't it telling that having a child is being compared to three of the worst things that can happen to a person, when in our culture parenthood is unreasonably and relentlessly promoted as the most rewarding, fulfilling, happy role a person can assume?


• To me, it seems reasonable to expect that people will rally to support a person who lost her job, went through a divorce or experienced the death of her partner.  Those are all terrible circumstances that befall a person and in most cases, are not circumstances a person happily chooses for herself.  On the other hand, having a child is a choice that people make happily and willingly, for all the benefits they perceive they will get from this choice.  It seems reasonable then, that the person who made this choice should handle the responsibilities she created without requiring a support network to prop her up.  Look at it this way:  If I happily choose to purchase a house, and am then unhappy about the financial sacrifice it entails, is it reasonable to expect a support system to rally around me to provide me with monetary contributions to help pay my mortgage?  I would argue no.  If I happily choose to go back to school, but am then unhappy with all of the time, money and effort I have to invest, is it reasonable to expect a network of people to rally around me and help me study for my tests, write my papers and pay my tuition?  Again, I would argue no.  On the other hand, if I lost my job, or my partner passed away, or I was going through a divorce, would it be reasonable to expect people to rally around me to support me and get me through a horrible time.  Yes, this seems reasonable to me.


• Community is a wonderful thing, and having a network of people who love and support each other is far too scarce in the world we live in today where everyone is holed up in isolation with their faces plastered to a screen.  I think all people - not just parents - would benefit from developing their social networks and doing more face-to-face interacting.  What I disagree with, though, is the notion that parents - people who happily choose and adopt their roles - and whose lifestyle is promoted ad nauseum as a puppies-and-rainbow utopia - are somehow equivalent in circumstance to those who have suffered great, traumatic losses in their lives.  If the argument is that parenthood is really a hell hole and these poor souls need to be propped up by an army of supporters just to get through the day, then the glorification of parenthood has to STOP right now. 

You can have your cake, or you can eat it, but you can't have it both ways.

What I am Missing (Poor Me)

 

Ah, the "have it all" lifestyle.  How wistfully I read this article.  If only I had chosen a different path, I too could spend my days feeling like a failure at everything.  Poor pitiable me.  What was I thinking choosing the childfree life?

Childfreedom's Favorite Money-Saving Sites

UPDATE:  Double cash back today at Ebates for Cyber Monday!

Click here



Let's be honest.  One of the great things about being childfree is having more time and disposible income to do fun things like dining out and shopping.  While our childed friends are draining their bank accounts to pay for diapers, day care and soccer lessons,  we CF folk get to enjoy dining out with our friends, going on adventures, travelling and enjoying some retail therapy.

However, just because I am childfree doesn't mean I am swimming in money!  I do have a mortgage and plenty of other bills to pay.  So I try to make my disposible income go as far as possible (so I can do as many fun things as possible).  I confess.  I am a little obsessive about getting discounts.

These are 3 of my favorite tried-and-true money-saving sites. I've been a member of each for a long time and I cannot even imagine how much money these sites have saved me over the years. I NEVER shop on-line without first going to Ebates and I look forward to receiving those quarterly checks in the mail.  If I am planning to dine out, I ALWAYS check restaurant.com to find a good restaurant.  And I am constantly checking Groupon to see what cool offers they have going on.

Ebates is a web site portal that links you to all the popular online shopping web sites....all the biggies are on there - Apple, JC Penney, Sephora, Best Buy, Half.com, Overstock.com, Ebay, Walmart, Staples, Target, most of the major airlines, etc. etc. etc. The list goes on for miles. When you access any of these companies' web sites via Ebates' web site and make an on-line purchase, a percentage of your purchase is refunded back to you in the form of a cash rebate. It's really silly to shop on-line without using Ebates. If you are going to make an on-line purchase, you might as well get a rebate for it (at least, that's my philosophy). There are no costs or fees to join and no paperwork to complete. The only thing you have to do is make sure (when you shop online) to access the store you are interested in via Ebates' web site first so that you will get the rebate.

(The participating companies give Ebates a commission for bringing them customers and part of that commission gets passed on to you in the form of the rebate.)

For example, right now Target's rebate is 3%, so if you visit Target's web site (via the Ebates site) and make a purchase, 3% of your purchase will be refunded back to you in the form of a rebate.

Rebates are accummulated in your Ebates account and rebate checks are issued quarterly by Ebates. I've been using Ebates for years and those quarterly checks come like clockwork in February, May, August and November - I am always happy to get those checks because the money goes straight into my travel savings account.

If you sign up using this link you will get a bonus - a $10 gift card to a store of your choice when you make you make your first qualifying purchase (and I will get a bonus too). If you ever shop-on line, this may be a service that will really benefit you.

By now, most have heard about Groupon. Groupon emails fantastic offers out to its members via email - or you can obtain the offers by visiting Groupon's web site. Most are half-off offers. For example, an offer may be something like, “$20 worth of pastries at LeCreme Bakery for $10” or “$50 fine dining at XYZ Restaurant for $25”. If you want to participate in an offer, you sign up for it and input your payment information. If enough people sign up for the offer, it is “on” and you get the coupon for the offer. If not enough people sign up, the offer is “off” and you will not be charged.

Groupon has offers in cities across the US as well as in Canada and other countries.

To sign up for Groupon, please use this referral link and they will reward me for referring you!  (and depending on the current promotion, they may reward you too!)

I am a huge customer of restaurant.com. Restaurant.com sells restaurant gift certificates at a great savings.   In most cases restaurant.com will sell you a $25 gift certificate for $10, but I will give you a GREAT tip. Sign up with them and get on their email list because they regularly have special promotions where they discount their gift certificates 50% - 70%. So instead of paying $10 for a $25 gift certificate, if you catch one of their promotions, you can get a $25 gift certificate for $3 - $5! What a deal.

I'll tell you what I do.  When they have a 50% or 70% off promotion, I buy a bunch of certificates at once and stockpile them.  They never expire.

Use this referral link and restaurant.com will give me credit for referring you.

The Perfect Day? (Surprise, surprise: it doesn't include kids)

Recent research published in the Journal of Economic Psychology revealed something interesting, but probably not surprising to us childfree folks.

Researchers asked 900 women what they do each day and how they feel about it and then based on this information assembled a "woman's perfect day". Here is the breakdown:

- 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep
- 106 minutes of intimate relations with their partner
- 98 minutes of computer (email and internet)
- 82 minutes of socializing with friends
- 78 minutes relaxing
- 75 minutes eating
- 68 minutes exercising
- 57 minutes talking on the phone
- 56 minutes shopping
- 50 minutes preparing food
- 36 minutes working
- 33 minutes commuting
- 2 minutes doing housework
- 2 minutes with their children

This research is all over the morning shows today and the show hosts are carrying on and cackling about the revelation that women are so into "intimate relations". What they downplayed, though, is the more interesting factor - that time with their children is all the way at the bottom of the list of things that comprise a woman's "perfect day".

This is interesting when we consider that motherhood is touted as a woman's greatest joy in life and the thing that brings her the greatest life satisfaction. Moms are constantly congratulating each other and holding each other up as virtual saints, and continually praising their mom role in every venue available. Meanwhile, women who choose not to have children are perceived as misguided and unhappy and derided for being clueless, having empty, meaningless lives and not knowing what is truly important in life.

Yet, when research like this comes out, the truth reveals itself. If motherhood is such a joy, why does "time with their children" rank at the very bottom of the list of things that comprise a woman's perfect day? If being a mom is so joyful, and motherhood is the most satisfying part of a woman's life, shouldn't we expect to see "time with kids" toward the TOP of this list?

Research such as this illuminates the buried truth about motherhood - that it is primarily drudgery and not the joyful nirvana it is made out to be. Look closely at the description above of the perfect day and ask yourself: who is more likely to experience a perfect day - a childfree woman or a mom? I think you know the answer.

The September Perspective

It's September, Labor Day is over and everyone is back to the old rush.  School buses are back on the roads, along with the traffic, and moms everywhere are plastering Facebook with first-day-of-school photos of their kids.  One of my mom friends posted on Monday, "I love my kids with all my heart, but I am soooooo glad they are going back to school tomorrow!"

Yes, back to school comes as a relief to many parents after 3 long months of summer chaos, but as Laura Rowley writes in her Huff Post article, Why September can be the Toughest Month for Working Mothers , September -  a month fraught with its own assortment of parental stressors - is enough to send even the most organized mom off the deep end.

As is always the case when I read articles written by moms about the overwhelming stresses and insecurities of motherhood, I got to the end, shook my head and said aloud, "THANK GOD I had the good sense to avoid this prison sentence!"

For my mom friends, September is a time to get back into the feverish daily pace of Beat the Clock - "How will I get Johnny to soccer at 5:00 when Melissa has to be at softball at the same time?", "Oh no - it's already 9:00 p.m. and I forgot to get to the store to pick up the Lunchables!",  "How in the world am I going to get all of us ready and out the door on time?"  "How many times have I told him to get off the computer and get his homework done!!?"  It's a time for being stretched too thin, worked too hard, living the life of a mouse on a treadmill - spinning wheels and getting nowhere fast for 9 long months.  Following that is summer "vacation", which means 3 months of fun and relaxation for the kids, and nonstop madness for mom.

As a childfree woman, September is a completely different experience.  It's that pretty time of year when the sun sits a little lower in the sky and starts to cast a warm glow over everything.  It's that wonderful month when we can turn the air conditioning off, open the windows and say, "ah....".  It's the best time at the Jersey Shore - the hordes of tourists are gone, but the ocean is at its warmest, the nights are cool and beautiful and the restaurants are still open for business.   It's a time when I still get that little flutter of nervous butterflies and the intense urge to buy myself some notebooks and pens, even though my school days are long gone.  It's my time for setting new personal goals and aspirations, thinking about what new adventures to plan, and feeling excited about the impending fall and winter holidays.

I'll take my September over Laura Rowley's any day!

The Bullet I Dodged

This morning on my drive to work, I was listening to our local public radio station and this story about women and midlife crisis came on.   Dr. Dan Gottlieb (a family therapist) explained that just as many men go through a midlife crisis in their middle years, so do women.  He explained that a woman's midlife crisis comes about when her children leave home and she is faced with "empty nest syndrome".  With feelings of loss, confusion and resentment, she is faced with an identity crisis:  she has done everything society expected her to do (i.e. have kids) and now that her kids are gone, she doesn't know who she is or what she wants to do with the rest of her life.  She is lost.

I have heard mothers talk about empty nest syndrome and the mourning they go through and I have always thought with relief, "there's one more bullet I dodged", but I never considered that I also dodged the larger overriding bullet of falling victim to the dreaded midlife crisis.

I am 46 years old and in only a few months, I will be 47 - just 3 years shy of the big 5-0.  Assuming I live to be 90, I am already past the mid-life mark.  Yet, I feel more vibrant and self aware than ever.  My life is in high gear, just as it always has been, yet with age I have gained some wonderful things that I lacked in my younger years.  My identity is firmly intact. I know exactly who I am, I like who I am (faults and all) - and with the exception of some improvements with age (and a few gray hairs, I am sad to say), I am pretty much the same person I was 10 years ago.  I like what I am doing with my life and I can easily envision my future and how I will fill the years I have left.  I don't worry if everyone likes me.  I don't ask "who am I?".  I don't feel empty, depressed, lost, confused about my identity (or reliant on another person to give me one).  I am proud of the fact that I have never needed to serve as a host to a parastitic being in order to feel fulfilled as a woman or to give my life purpose.  And I am even happier that I will never fall into despair because said parasite no longer needs to feed off me.

Many people envision a life without children as a huge, sad, gaping hole - a lack, a loss, a meaningless existence.  I have always seen it as the opposite - a beautiful, inviting space to create exactly the life I want and to share it with the people I love the most - people with whom I share mutual caring, support and devotion.  And lucky for me, none of these people are leaving me in the dust after draining my life's savings.

I admit that when I first heard Dr. Gottlieb define the female midlife crisis in terms of motherhood, I was annoyed.  Once again, the childfree perspective was altogether ignored and as usual woman was equated with mother.  Dr. Gottlieb might argue that since female midlife crisis is related to empty nest sydrome, it simply doesn't apply to childfree women.  But wouldn't it have been great if he mentioned that fact?  Wouldn't it have been great if the interviewer asked, "What about women who do not have children?  Are they less likely to go through a mid-life crisis?"  Wouldn't it be great if non-mothers were even acknowledged to exist?  Considering that 20% of American women end their childbearing years without giving birth to a child, we're not exactly part of an invisible minority anymore, despite the fact that the media still treats us like we are.

Putting my annoyance aside, what I mainly felt after hearing that story was intense relief and gratitude.  I am grateful that age 46 is just a wiser and more self-aware version of 26, and that age 50 will hopefully find me a slightly better version of who I am today.  I am grateful that I am self-defined, know what I want to be doing today, tomorrow and 5 years from now, and I am relieved that I won't wake up tomorrow, or next year, and ask myself who the heck I am.

Having it All

Perhaps you heard recently about a controversial article written by Anne-Marie Slaughter in The Atlantic entitled, Why Women Still Can't Have it All. The article (and surrounding controversy) has been getting quite a bit of press lately. Slaughter is a former high-level director at the State Department who left her job because she found it impossible to juggle the demands of her career with the demands of being a mom. She felt her kids were not getting enough attention and were worse off for her living the have-it-all lifestyle, so she quit her State Department job to dedicate herself fully to raising her teenaged sons.

The article is an interesting read and the gist of it is that it's tough for working moms and "having it all" is either not really possible, or it's possible but not the optimal lifestyle women have been led to believe. I will answer this with a big AMEN.

What I would like to focus on, however, is how "having it all" has come to be defined for women in the first place and how I - as a child-free by choice woman - define it for myself.

Women are taught that we have three choices in life:

1. Be a stay at home mom
2. Be a career woman (with the ultimate goal of being a mom)
3. "Have it all" - i.e. be a career woman who is also a mom

For the past 40 years or so, girls and women have been given the impression that "having it all" - i.e. being a career woman with kids - is the ultimate goal in life, and it's been dangled before us as the feminist ideal; that is, women are no longer bound to the home and relegated to a life of monotonous scut work. They can be movers and shakers in the business world at the same time. They are all things to all people. They are superhuman.  They are woman, hear them roar.

There's a problem with this ideal, however, which is why Ms. Slaughter's article touches a nerve with so many women. The "have it all" ideal is a myth and women are becoming wise to the fact that they've been sold a bill of goods. Being a high-level career woman AND a mom is not ideal for most women. It's a full-blown stress fest where nobody - not the woman, not her husband, not her kids or her employer - receives the best from her. Every one of her roles is compromised by the unending demands of her other equally-demanding roles.

Yet, despite the fact that most women find the stressful "have it all" lifestyle unsustainable and detrimental to herself, her spouse or her children (if she has them), it continues to be pushed as the ideal for women. Stay-at-home moms, women who postpone childbearing to focus on their careers, women who choose not to have children and women who cannot have children, are viewed as deficient beings who walk the earth with a gaping hole that is just waiting to be plugged with the missing role. Only when a woman is running herself ragged like a headless chicken, shoving McDonald's food down her kids' gullets while she hurriedly tosses them and her briefcase in the car, is she deemed to be a full person, a real woman, a true success, and fully actualized.

Despite the fact that "having it all" has been defined for women in this one rigid way, the truth - which of course is kept from women - is that "having it all" really means different things to different people, depending on who the person is and what she wants to have in her life.

As a woman who wants nothing to do with having children and the lifestyle that comes with it, a life of career-plus-kids is the farthest thing from "having it all" that I could imagine. For me, that traditional lifestyle means having less - giving up what I really desire in life for something that provides little benefit for an enormous cost; sacrificing the things that are deeply important to me - such as my devoted relationship with my husband, family and friends, my dedication to learning, to exploring, to growing, to sharing, to taking care of my mental, spiritual, physical and intellectual health, to the interests and pursuits I hold dear to my heart and am so grateful to participate in fully. When I think of what "having it all" means to me, I feel so grateful because for the most part, I already have achieved it.  And the best part? I have given up nothing to live my have-it-all life. I have practically everything I desire in life while still getting a full night's sleep each night, having weekends free to do the things I enjoy doing, and being a fully attentive spouse, friend, daughter, sister, aunt and employee.  "But you gave up having kids, so you did give up something", you say?  Well, I never wanted to have kids, so not having them is no more a loss to me than not having a dog would be to someone who doesn't want one.

The problem as I see it isn't that our society is not set up for women to truly have it all. The problem is that women are not encouraged to decide for themselves what having it all means to them and are made to feel inadequate if they do not buy into the one rigidly-prescribed idea of what the optimal female life looks like. For more and more women the optimal life is one which is free of the burden, stress and unrelenting demands of childrearing. This freedom is not a gaping hole. It is space to be filled with the delights of our choosing, or to be left open and clear - for thought, for imagination, for ideas, for contemplation and creativity.

Our Non-Existent Kids are Thankful We Didn't Have Them

Here's a thought that occurs to me all the time.  I wonder if it occurs to other childfree-by-choice folks.  On a regular basis I think to myself (or say to hubby), it's a good thing we didn't have kids, for their own sake.

No, this is not because we would be bad parents.  It's not because we're not parent material.  It's because my thinking of how kids should be raised is a lot different than the way most people raise their kids today.

What got me thinking about this was an article I read recently in Philadelphia Magazine called The Sorry Lives and Confusing Times of Today's Young Men.  The article delves into the problem of men who never grow up.  Who live with mom and dad indefinitely.  Who sit around watching porn and playing video games all day.  Who have no drive to get a career, find a partner and establish an adult life.  More importantly, the article addresses the question of why this problem exists.

My opinion is that the problem exists because of the overly permissive, coddling, "I want to be my kid's best friend", "My kid is unique and special", "My kid can do no wrong", "I will give my kid everything" way that people raise kids today.  It's creating a culture of lazy ass monsters.  And this is why it's a good thing we don't have kids.  If we had kids, they probably wouldn't be too happy with us because:

1.  They would not have cell phones until they were 16.  And then, they would have limited minutes, and very limited texting.  Their texts and social networking would be monitored by us until they were 18.

2.  They would not eat meat in our household.

3.  They would not be given junk food in our household, except as an occasional treat on weekends and special occasions like birthdays and holidays.  In our household "snack" would mean fruits, nuts and other healthy foods.

4.  They would not have a t.v. or computer in their room.  The t.v. and computer would be located in a central place where they could be monitored.

5.  T.V. watching and video games would be limited to an hour a day.  They would be encouraged to read, draw, paint, play a musical instrument, exercise, or do some other enriching activity with their free time.  Or how about this - RELAX.

6.  They would be required to go outdoors and get fresh air and exercise every day.

7.  They would have a list of chores that they would be required to do as a requirement of being a contributing member of the household.

8.  They would be given a reasonable allowance for extra chores, above the required ones.

9.  They would be encouraged to participate in no more than 2 extra curricular activities.  We do not believe in the schedule-kids-to-the-hilt philosophy that today's families subscribe to.

10.  They would have to make their own "play dates" because I do not believe in parents scheduling appointments with other parents so their kids can have a social life.

11. If they got in trouble in school, we would not be bailing them out, making excuses for them, accusing their teachers or blaming other people. Our child would be held accountable.

12. They would be required to buy their own car and work their way through college. It builds character. I know this from first-hand experience.

13.  We would allow them to live with us through college without paying rent, but after that, they would be required to pay rent.  And under no circumstance would they be permitted to live with us indefinitely.  Go to school, get a career and out you go.

14. We would contribute 33% to our child's wedding cost and would expect that our child, and the parents of the spouse to be would each also contribute 33%.

So you can see why it's a good thing we don't have kids.  Their life would not be easy.  They would not be comotose in front of a computer or t.v. screen watching porn or playing video games.  They would not be handed everything on a silver platter and told they are a special snowflake.  They would probably compare us to their friends' parents and hate our freaking guts.

But more importantly, it's a good thing we don't have kids for our own sake.  Can you imagine having to be on top of all that stuff in my list?  Can you imagine having to monitor the t.v., computer, cell phone and texting of another person?  Can you imagine (on top of taking care of your own needs and problems) being burdened with making sure another person is eating healthily, exercising, pursuing enriching activities, behaving, being held accountable for bad behavior, completing their chores, their homework, finding and keeping a job, saving for a car and college and developing into a upstanding contributor to society?  And let's not forget about all the other worries and stresses that didn't even make my list.

Yes, it's a good thing for both our non-existent children and for us that we have chosen the path we have chosen.  I wake up every day and sigh a deep breath of relief that I don't have these stresses and worries in my life.  And I am sure my non-existent child - wherever her spirit may be floating in the spirit world - is breathing a deep sigh of relief too.

Although I feel this relief, it does trouble me that the infestation of coddled, video game playing, porn-watching, couch potato 30-somethings are going to be running the world in the future, instead of the well-adjusted, healthy, upstanding go-getters that we would have raised.  Oh well. Hopefully by the time the couch potatoes find the motivation to pull themselves away from their video games and porn and go out into the world, we will already be 6 feet under.

In the Life F.C.

I was heating up my lunch today in the office kitchen when an associate (who I do not know well) asked me how I was doing and how my holidays were.  We got to chatting about holidays and winter and I mentioned that I am disappointed that we haven't gotten any snow this year so far because I love to ski, particularly on real snow, as opposed to machine-made.  She was nodding vigorously in agreement, so I asked her if she also likes to ski.  She said, "Yes, I used to... B.C."  I asked, "B.C.?"  and she replied, "Before Children".  We both got a good laugh.  I replied, "I like that!  So let's see...I guess that makes me F.C. - Free of Children!"  She looked a little confused for a moment, but then she laughed.

Exchanges like this are seemingly small and insignificant until one really thinks about the bigger implication of what is being expressed.  I like to think of these types of interactions as nice little reminders of just how good we childfree people have it.  So often we take for granted our freedoms and our ability to continue doing all the things we love uninterupted when so many of our counterparts long ago bid farewell to their hobbies, their friends, their interests, their free time and adult recreation because they made one seemingly simple decision.  If the thought pops into my mind that I might like to go skiing on Saturday, I pack up my skiis, hop in the car and head to the slopes.  If a parent decides he would like to go skiing on Saturday, he will most likely immediately decide that it's impossible because it would involve taking the kid, which would not work because the kid does not know how to ski, or does not want to learn how to ski, or decides it would be too expensive to take the kid, or it would be too difficult to arrange a sitter on such short notice, or it wouldn't be possible because Saturday is the day that Junior has football practice.  Just thinking about it is enough to bring on a headache.

But it's not just our pursuit of recreation that is so much easier for the childfree.  When I go home after a busy day at work, I most likely will not feel like cooking.  Maybe I will throw together a salad.  Maybe I will eat a bowl of cereal.  Or maybe (if I am feeling particularly naughty, which tends to happen as it gets closer to the weekend) I will eat chocolate chip cookies.  In any of these scenarios, here's what I am not doing.  I am not slaving.  I am not serving.  I am not rushing.  I am not negotiating.  I am not catering to picky tastes. I am not making multiple meals to please multiple palates.  I am not worrying.  And the icing on the cake? I am not spending $800 - $1,200 a month on groceries!

Oh, my poor, pitiable childfree life - such an empty, lacking life - sitting home with hubby at night, relaxing on the couch, reading or cackling over Seinfeld re-runs, talking leisurely about our day, making plans for the weekend, going to bed early and getting a nice, full night of sleep, waking up well-rested, having time in the morning to exercise, browse the internet, have a nice breakfast together, talk and ease into the day.  No racing, no rushing, no corraling, no noise, no arguing, no homework, no resentment.

The morale of this story?  A life B.C. is good, but a life F.C. is infinitely better.

Grocery bill high? It could be worse.

How much money does your household spend on groceries in a month?  Probably a whole lot less than someone who has kids.

I was out with my friend Sara on Saturday.  She's a mom of 2 young boys, so her household has 4 people total.  We were talking about money and how expensive everything is these days.  She lamented that her $800/month grocery budget makes it almost impossible to keep her family fed for an entire month.  I almost choked.

I thought I was hearing incorrectly, so I repeated back the figure she told me to make sure I heard right.  Yep,  I heard right. $800 a month.  For groceries.

When she saw how shocked I was, she clarified that the $800 figure includes things like paper products and cleaning supplies.  I guess she thought that hearing that might make my eyes recede back into their sockets.  I was still shocked.

You see, hubby and I spend about $200-$300 a month to keep ourselves and our three cats fed, and that seems like a LOT to us.  So you can see why I almost fell off my chair when Sara told me she spends $800/month and can barely get by on that.

$800 JUST for groceries.  That's $9,600 a year!  For ONE expense.  Now on top of that, add on the other household expenses like mortgage, taxes, utilities, cars, insurance, clothing and the list goes on and on.  And factor in that my friend is a stay-at-home-mom, so she and her hubby are living off one salary.  Yikes.

I should mention that Sara is a not a spendthrift.  She's a frugal shopper, carries piles of coupons with her everywhere she goes, and strategizes her shopping trips to get the most for her money.  Yet she is struggling to feed her family on $800/month.

Hubby and I often complain about our expenses - about how so much of our take home pay is eaten up by bills and how so little is left for the fun stuff.  Well, I think we need to adjust our perspective and remind ourselves how easy we have it, comparatively speaking.  I realize that no matter how financially stretched we fell, we would probably be on the verge of financial collapse if we had children.

UPDATE:  12/7/11

I had lunch with another friend today, Samantha.  Samantha also has a family of 4 - a husband, a 10 year old daughter and a teenaged son.  She is a prudent woman who is good with money (in fact, she is an accountant by trade).   We were talking about money issues and about how prices have been shooting up for everything. I asked her to estimate what she spends on groceries for her family in one month.  She paused and gave it some thought, and then answered that if she "is really careful" - i.e. shops the sales, and is strategic in her buying - she can "keep it at around $1,200/month".

!!!!!!

She said a lot of the grocery bill is due to having a teenaged son who eats whole boxes of cereal in one sitting, and drinks 2 gallons of milk per week on his own.

And now, she is struggling to figure out how to help him with college.  He's applying to engineering schools - his choice school having tuition in the area of $45,000 per year.  Although he has been awarded scholarships in the amount of of $20,000 per year, that leaves my friend and her husband with a tuition bill of $25,000/year.

A Cross we Won't Bear

If you're a childfree person, then you know that the CF life is one of the world's best kept secrets.  The list of awesome benefits of being childfree is seemingly endless.  For countless reasons, every day, I take a huge sigh of relief that I did not choose the parenthood route, and count my many blessings for all the many ways my life is happier, easier and just plain BETTER for making the wise choice to not burden myself with offspring.

This recent clip from the Today Show highlights just ONE reason not to have kids -  and it's a biggie. A person could base their entire decision to forego childbearing on this one issue.  We will never have to struggle with the monumental problem of how to simultaneously save for retirement AND pay for kids' college education.  Talk about a load off our shoulders!!!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

The Lifetime Honeymoon

At work yesterday we had a small wedding shower for a young woman in the office.  While enjoying the cake and chatting about her upcoming nuptials, I asked the experienced people in the room to comment on marriage - what makes it work, or what they have learned if their marriage didn't work - generally, any insight they can offer the bride to be.  Interestingly, most people did not offer comments, but I had a couple.  My comments were:

1.  It's important to retain your individual identity in a marriage and not become fused into one entity - don't be attached at the hip.  Continue being known as "Mary" and don't fall into the trap of being "Mary and John". Have your own interests, your own viewpoints and don't allow your identity to be swallowed up by the marital unit.

2.  Contrary to what we've been taught, a good marriage is NOT hard work.  If it's too much work, you've married the wrong person.  The right person loves you as you are and doesn't try to change you into something you're not.  The right person makes you MORE of the person you are, and doesn't diminish you. The right person "gets" you and thinks you are the cat's meow.

As soon as I finished expressing this opinion, one of my male colleagues - a young, married guy with 2 small kids - teased:  "Yeah, but you don't have KIDS.  Once a couple has kids, it all goes downhill.  You have all this division of labor and there's constant fighting over who should be doing what."  He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment and then cracked, "For God's sake - Mandy and her husband are on a lifetime honeymoon!!!"

I replied that he is correct:  children have a negative impact on marital satisfaction and in fact, research has borne this out.   People just looked at me like oh, here she goes again.

I know for a fact that my marriage is happy thanks in large part to being childfree.  The stressors that we have avoided in our marriage are too numerous to count.  Just the financial strain alone of trying to raise children in this economy and consumerist culture would be enough to derail any marriage, let alone the many other pressures, demands and stressors that having children puts on a relationship.   Hubby and I are focused on each other - on making each other happy - on creating special memories together - on sharing life's ups and downs and being a devoted support system for each other.  We are not distracted and neglected by nature of having all of our our energy and attention channeled to needy, demanding third parties.  We are not fighting over household tasks.  Gender roles.  Who does more.  We are not stretched to the breaking point - on the verge of physical and psychological exhaustion trying to achieve the "have it all" lifestyle (which we all know in reality is the "do it all badly" lifestyle).  We have all that we need.  Each other.  Our quiet oasis of a home.  The pitter patter of furry little feet whose biggest demand is being cuddled and having a can cracked open twice a day.

Yes, we have jobs, and bills, and a mortgage.  We work hard and time flies by too fast.  And there's more we want to do than we have the money or time to do.  Contrary to childfree stereotypes, our life is not one big lottery win  and it's not Club Med.  But yes, my coworker is right:  put us next to any married couple with kids and our life looks like an all expense paid honeymoon.

And the "Body of the Year Award Goes to..."

HELEN MIRREN!!!!  Age 66 and CHILDFREE BY CHOICE! 

See what NOT having kids does to your body?

Read all about it.

Joys of Aunthood (Continued)

Today I would like to write about one of the more subtle benefits of being childfree.  If you have nieces or nephews, or if there are any children in your life that you love, you may appreciate this observation.

As a proud aunt who adores her nieces and nephews, it has always struck me as interesting that I seem to notice and appreciate the little things about them more acutely than their parents do.  I've mentioned this phenomenon before - the fact that every little nuance of the childrens' development and their every antic registers with hubby and me right away and garners an instant reaction (usually hugs and kisses are involved).  I can recall almost everything about them from the day each of them was born, to when they started talking (and the funny things they said, like "sometimes he DO's that"), to their physical changes...for example Little Man's hair which changed from thick, wavy black hair, to fine straight blonde hair within the span of 2 years, to my niece's "twinkle toes" when she puts her feet up against mine to see how much closer in size to mine they have grown since our last visit.  I get a kick out of the eldest niece when she corrects me with her teacher-like voice, "Actually, Aunt Mandy..."  I notice (and love) all of it.

So when I came across a  blog post, written by a mom, in which she laments the loss of memories about her children, it reminded me again of this subtle benefit of having children I love in my life, but not being a parent.

She describes a scene in which she is at the public pool, observing a little boy and his mother.  She realizes in doing so, and noticing all the adorable things about the child - his fatty legs, his palpable excitement over the water - that she cannot really remember those types of fine details about her own childrens' early days.

I kept wondering if the moms were paying attention, really paying attention, to their children. Did the little boy's mom notice his mouth shaped into an "O" of delight? Did the baby girl's mom take note of the gaping distance between her baby's sturdy legs—all curves and rolls—and my seven-year-old's lanky limbs with their sharply defined calf muscles, their bruised and knobby knees?

Really, my question was this: Did I pay attention when my children were that little? Because, while I know they did ecstatic drunken-man circuits in the wading pool or under the yard sprinkler, while I know they learned to walk on fat-rolled legs and marveled at tiny surprises—feathers and shells and grass, the sound that newly shod feet make on gravel—I can't easily conjure up images of how they looked and moved and sounded then. And I wonder, is this just the way it is? Is it impossible to really, in a palpable way, remember each stage of our children's lives, no matter how much attention we pay?

Without realizing it, this blogger is eloquently touching on yet one of the many downsides of being a parent - the fact that the day-to-day minutia and - dare I say it - drudgery of parenthood procludes a person from really savoring the special moments and memories of their children and truly taking it all in.  This has never been lost on me.  From what I have observed, parents are so overwhelmed, overloaded, exhausted and consumed with moment-to-moment survival that those fleeting moments that bring hubby and I such joy and amazement, are met with vacant gazes by the very people who brought the children into the world.

...I pay attention anyway, as much as I can amid the necessary distractions of schedules and chores. This dynamic is just one more reminder of how foolish and full of paradox this endeavor is, this bearing and raising of children. We welcome them knowing that one day we will say goodbye. We shelter them so that eventually they can leave us. We create boundaries with the expectation that they will test them. We give them all that we have and are, so that they will be able to get along without us. We pay attention, though we cannot possibly remember all the sights and sounds, the scents and textures, the baby steps and joyful dances that mark our days as the parents of children.

The moment I see my nieces and nephews, I drink them in.  I size them up.  I put them against me and see how much taller they have gotten.  I watch them demonstrate their latest dance moves.  I sit and listen to them - I mean really listen to them - and the nuances of their thought processes and expressions as they grow and learn and become more enmeshed in the world.  I feel their hugs and notice they feel stronger, just like my niece or nephew is bigger and stronger.  Because I don't see them every day, each change in them registers accutely.  I am not weighed down with the day-to-day mighty responsibility of keeping them alive, happy, healthy and fed, so my moments with them are zen and I am truly in the moment.  I notice every little change in them and file them away in  my mental Aunt catalog...memories which I easily conjure up and treasure.

I do remember each of them in the fatty leg stage.  I can picture them clearly waddling to and fro.  In my mind, I can hear their toddler voices speaking to me.  I can visualize them at each age - what they were doing, how they looked, how they reacted to the world around them.  I remember it all.  I am an involved, devoted, yet unencumbered adult force in their lives, so my mind is a clear, relaxed slate for the kids to etch themselves upon.

Their writings will be etched in my mind and heart forever.

Fun (It's Not Just for Kids)

For about 5 years I have had a fun tradition at work.  On the first day of summer I bring a bunch of ice cream novelties in (creamsicles, ice cream sandwiches, Italian ice, fudge pops) and put them in the freezer in our kitchen.  Then, I leave a general voice mail message for everyone with Mr. Softee music playing in the background (I get this off YouTube) telling everyone it's the First Day of Summer!  Get into the kitchen and enjoy some ice cream in celebration of this wonderful day!

It's a simple thing really, but every year this is a smash hit and everyone gets such a kick out of it, especially the Mr. Softee music because it's so ridiculous and shocking to hear such a thing on the office voice mail.

This year, after I left the message, one of my staff popped her head into my office and said, "I loved your message.  You would make a great mom because you create so much fun!"

I had to laugh because I have been told this so many times.  And every time I am told it, I think to myself, why does fun automatically equal children?

I know that children like to have fun, and children respond well to fun people, but guess what - so do adults (as evidenced by the reactions to my Mr. Softee routine)!  Yet there is this unspoken idea that the purpose of childhood is to have fun, be entertained and enjoy life, whereas the purpose of adulthood is to be responsible and serious, and if any time is left, maybe have some fun - but more importantly - provide fun to children.  For adults, fun is a rare novelty.  For children, it's the purpose of their existence.

In my opinion, there is something wrong with this philosophy.

My view of life is that yes - we must be responsible adults and take care of business - but ultimately, the goal of life is to be joyful, to laugh and love, to thrill and to be thrilled, to take chances, to smile more than frown and to squeeze every drop of enjoyment out of the time we have.  I believe in riding rollercoasters.  I believe in sending love letters.  I believe in riding waves on my boogie board.  I believe in trying new things.  I believe in learning and growing.  I believe in surprising people. I believe in the child within me. I believe in Mr. Softee and a part of me still believes in Santa Claus.

When people tell me I would make a great mom because I am fun, I think to myself ... yeah, well most of the reason I AM fun is because I am NOT a mom.  Or more accurately stated, I wouldn't have as much fun if I was a mom.  My kids would have lots of fun because that would be my top priority, but I'd be too stressed and worn down ensuring their enjoyment of life to have fun myself.

I see this all around me in the parents I know.  Most of them had children because they pictured all the love, joy and fun it would be, but now that they have kids, very few of them actually seem to be having fun, even when they are doing fun things.  For hubby and me, a trip to an amusement park is a full day of fun and laughter - there really is no down side.  For a parent, there's some fun, but for the most part an outing like that is an exhausting chore involving tons of packing, schlepping, coralling, cajoling, monitoring, arguing and expense. 

At our family gatherings, it isn't the parents who are playing fun games with the kids - it's us - the childfree aunt and uncle.  The parents are sitting off in a corner, staring ahead with bloodshot eyes, enjoying a moment of rest, thankful that someone else has taken the burden off their hands for a few minutes.

I also get told all the time, "You're so good with kids.  You'd make a great mom!"  What they don't realize is that most of the reason I am good with kids is the fact that they are novel to me and I am not around them (and being annoyed by them) all day long.  I appreciate them because they are fresh in my eyes.  Every time I see my nieces and nephews, I feel delight and excitement at the things they say and do, no matter how obnoxious.  Hubby and I crack up laughing at their every little move, which of course elicits more noise and antics, much to the dismay of their parents.  But a glance over at their parents reveals that they do not find them at all amusing.  They find them annoying because this is the two-thousandth time they've seen and heard the same stupid antic and probably the hundredth time they've told them enough is enough.

As childfree people, we are bombarded every day with messages that attempt to convince us that parenthood is bliss and we'd make great parents.  My approach has always been to treat those messages with great suspicion and trust my reliable, sturdy inner voice - the voice that tells me I have it really good already.  The voice that tells me that just because I would be good at something, doesn't mean that doing it would be the optimal choice for me. The voice that tells me that if parenthood truly was bliss, I would see substantial evidence of this in the parents around me (I don't).  This wise voice tells me being an aunt is preferable to being a mom and an uncorrupted source of joy.  It tells me there is plenty of fun to be had without kids.  Most importantly, it pats me on the back and tells me I am smarter than the average bear for figuring this all out and refusing to be invalidated and pressured into a life I don't want.

45 Going on 30

Recently I made a new realization about myself concerning my state of childfreedom.

It happened when I was spending the day with my 5 year old niece. It was a full day of one-on-one fun with little Amy who I just love to pieces. I picked her up from my brother's house and we took a day trip to the Jersey shore. We had several hours together on the beach and then we walked the boardwalk. We had a lot of fun.

The realization I made is that I feel young because I am childfree.

I am 45 years old, but despite this fact, I feel about 30. I am frequently told I look about 35. I dress like a 30 year old. I have a good amount of energy. I have a silly sense of humor. I am always up for trying new things - in fact, I constantly seek out new experiences. I am always on the lookout for my next new endeavor - what class might I take next? What skill might I learn? Who's up for an adventure? Anyone want to go skiing? Hiking? Camping? Ice skating? Anyone want to spend the day at an amusement park with me? I'll ride the biggest rollercoasters and I'll share a funnel cake with you.

Many people claim that having kids makes a person feel younger because they are surrounded by youth and "young" things, like kiddie music, kiddie activities, kiddie t.v. shows and so forth. I would like to make the opposite argument. No matter what "young" things I am around, I feel older when I am with children, even the ones I adore and particularly children in my care. Suddenly, I go from feeling like a hip, young, carefree woman to feeling like a school marm. My mental state shifts from fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants spontaneity and anything goes, to hyper alertness, seriousness and concern. This child could die in my care. This child has to be watched. This child could be abducted. This child could choke on something. I can't drift off to sleep under my umbrella on the beach. I can't let my attention wander. I can't suddenly change my mind about a nutritious lunch and feast on cookies instead. I can't ignore the clock. There are curfews to be met and mealtimes not to be missed. There is medication to be dispensed. There must be a bathroom nearby, a ready change of clothes, a full tank of gas and a fully-charged cell phone. I must be 100% plugged in at all times.

The contrast in age and maturity between my little niece and me makes me feel really old. I have a similar experience when walking through the local university campus on my lunch hour. My image of myself of a young woman is blown the second I am surrounded by 19 year olds who are walking to class in belly shirts with pajama pants and flip flops. I am smacked in the face by the fact that I am a mature woman and not a young, poorly-attired, wide-eyed upstart wondering what's on the horizon.

I like pretending I am young and most days I live happily in my state of delusion with little to contradict it. After all, most people my age seem much older (probably because they're parents), so it's easy to masquerade as a 30 year old. They - with their bloodshot, wrinkle-rimmed eyes, unkempt graying hair, lack of mojo and empty wallets - seem a sharp contrast to me, so I imagine I am from the young, hip generation and they are old folks.

It also must be said that part of my feeling of youthfulness comes from the flexibility I am afforded in life, thanks to not having kids. Sure, I am married and own a home - two hallmark achievements of maturity - but I like the fact that if we really wanted to, hubby and I could uproot ourselves and start an entirely new life someplace else without much to stop us. The house can be sold and new jobs can be found (well, maybe not too easy right now, but you get the idea). The point is, we don't have to worry about how a big change would impact the fragile pyche of a developing child. We don't have to worry about school districts or family-friendly neighborhoods. We don't have to worry about whether our child would be able to adapt to his new environment, make new friends, or whether the move would prove to be a disaster. We'd only have to worry about ourselves, and we're old and tough enough to know we can handle it.

There is so much to love about childfreedom and it occurs to me now that I need to talk about this more. Childfreedom is so often seen as a life without something - that the false perception of lack can sometimes overshadow the reality of the fullness, flexibility and vibrancy that we are so gratefully afforded thanks to this one very simple and important life choice. Feeling young is just one small benefit in the very long list of ways we have it so great. There is no gaping void in the life of childfreedom.  There is only precious open space to fill however we like. How do you fill your space?

Care to be (Childfree)

Lately my posts have been focusing on the downside of parenthood. Frankly, that's because there have so been many articles, research and discussions coming out about that topic in recent weeks that I have been jumping on them right away. The downside of parenthood has been kept hush-hush for far too long and I am just happy to see it finally getting the long overdue spotlight it deserves.

Today, however, I wanted to swing the pendulum in the opposite direction and talk about one of my favorite things about being childfree - being able to be a devoted, giving friend and family member.

Now, most people like to think they are caring, giving and devoted to the people they love, however, it should be pointed out that the childfree have a distinct advantage over parents in this regard. Let's face it - once people have kids, their love, devotion and attention get almost fully diverted to the new being they produced and away from the friends and loved ones who were there first. As childfree adults, we've probably all experienced the feelings of loss and mourning when our friends and family members become parents and we get left in the dust.

But the childfree person, by nature of being free of the constraints of childrearing, is able to remain a steadfast and devoted friend and loved one throughout life, which flies in the face of the critical judgements that parents like to hurl around about the childfree - that our lives are "all about ourselves"; that we're selfish and self-centered; that we don't know what love is. The fact is, we do know what love is and demonstrate it by being there and being truly present for our loved ones. I'm the daughter who takes my mom out for a "girls' day out" on a regular basis (do you think I could do this if I had kids?). I'm the best friend who opens up my guest bedroom so a friend can have somewhere to live for three months when she's going through a divorce and trying to reestablish herself (I wouldn't even have a guest bedroom if I had kids!) and years later opens up her home to this same friend's cat because she can no longer keep her, thanks to her allergic child. I am beloved by my friends' kids who call me Aunt Mandy and tell their mother she should buy the same perfume as me so she will smell like me. I am the aunt who dotes on her nieces and nephews with camping trips, day trips, craft days and cookie bakes (they wouldn't get any one-on-one time with me if I was busy with my own kids). I am the companion to 3 furry felines who get kissed and petted and loved to their little hearts' delight (maybe more than they even want). Most importantly, I'm the wife whose husband is number one in her life and whose position of importance will never be downgraded or compromised.

The fact is, my life is not all about me and never has been. It's about my husband. It's about my parents. It's about my siblings. It's about my nieces and nephews. It's about my friends and the children of my friends. It's about the people I work for. It's about my 3 moggies. It's about the childfree community I reach out to every day through this blog and other supportive means. I do not exist in a bubble. My life is intricate with social tentacles reaching out in many directions and in every direction I go I try to be thoughtful, caring and giving of myself. And I am sure you, my childfree reader, are similarly engaged in caring, doting relationships with all of the people in your life.

So when parents try to stereotype and dismiss us as materialistic, selfish, cold, uncaring, self-absorbed, misguided, sad, pathetic childless wretches, don't get hurt or angry. Smile, because you know who you really are and so do the people in your life who benefit from the attention you shower on them. And know that those critical judgements aren't about you, they are about them - expressions of the hurt they feel when they come face to face with someone who flat out rejects the very life path they have undertaken and enjoys a fuller, freer, more vibrant and giving existence because of it.

The Scoop on Pregnancy (and Childfree Pre-Thanksgiving Thankfulness)

CFVixen sends me the best stuff (thank you CFVixen!). This article had me laughing out loud. It's called Top 10 Things They Should Warn You About Before You Get Pregnant. If you are childfree, you should definitely read the article and relish in thankfulness and joy of knowing you will be spared this awful fate. Here's the secret stuff pregnant go through that nobody warns them about:

1. Growing a beard.

2. Constipation

3. Bad gas

4. Drooling

5. Belching

6. Overgrown pubic hair

7. Excess vaginal discharge

8. Vaginal pain (i.e. "lightening crotch")

9. Incontinence

10. Vaginal lips growing in size

AND if you read the readers' comments below the article, you will also learn that there are a slew of additional wonderful symptoms of pregnancy including but not limited to: stuffy nose, snoring, hemorrhoids, leg cramps, runny nose, skin tags, liver spots, nipple clogging, acne, itchy skin, backaches, body aches and pains, pregnancy mask, unusual body smells, nosebleeds, splotchy skin, clogged ears and sinuses, acid indigestion and acid reflux, limp hair, exhaustion, yeast infections, varicose veins, itchy nipples, hyper-salivation, swollen eyeballs and more!

Thanksgiving is coming! Let's all give thanks for being childfreeeeee!

I Don't Miss My Husband

Last night I had a couple of hours to hang out with one of my close friends, Sara. As I have mentioned before, Sara has two young sons, so our time together is limited. Whereas (prior to her having kids) we used to see each other once or twice a week for stretches of several hours, we are now lucky to see each other once every 2-3 weeks for about 2 hours max.

We sat on our couch and chatted for 2 hours and caught up on all the latest. At one point, we were talking about parenthood, and she confessed to me that she misses her husband. She told me that since they have had kids, their entire life revolves around caring for the kids and there is very little time left for she and her husband to be together. She said they talk about this sometimes and tell each other how much they miss each other - how much they miss going on dates, spending time together, talking - just the two of them. She admitted they are no longer first in each other's lives. She lamented that this just the way it is when kids are young and all couples with kids go through it. She expressed optimism for the future when the kids are bigger and don't need so much constant attention.

Although Sara is one of the rare moms I know who truly seems to love being a mom, whenever I am with her I am filled with a renewed gratefulness for being childfree. I wouldn't trade places with her in a million years. I love being #1 in my hubby's life, and making hubby #1 in my life. Nobody comes before him. I love having his undivided attention and I love giving him mine. I love that the level of conflict, stress and chaos in our marriage is minimal and I am keenly aware that this is primarily due to being kid-free. I love that our recreational time belongs almost exclusively to US and we can spend our time doing things that we find enjoyable and fulfilling. I cannot imagine spending my evenings and weekends running kids to soccer games and Chuck E. Cheese, to birthday parties or (gag) "play dates". As someone who enjoys cooking, I love that I can whip up sophisticated dinners that please our adult palates and not have to pander to demands for chicken nuggets and Kraft Mac 'n Cheese.

I don't miss my husband because he's fully present in my life. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be about? I could never imagine sacrificing that to the alter of childrearing, but to each her own.

Spring Meanderings

Sorry I've been an absentee blogger for awhile...things have just been extra insane in my life recently and I have been having a hard time concentrating on the fun side projects in my life, like this blog.

But I thought I would pop in today and say hello and tell you about a couple of things that happened today that are relevant to Childfreedom.

It is such a beautiful day today - the perfect spring day - so at lunchtime I took a walk through the university campus near my office. Everything was in full bloom and students were everywhere - walking about, sunbathing on lawns and some (as is customary at this university) were standing in the middle of the walkway trying to draw attention to a cause. Today I wished I had had my smart phone with me so I could have videotaped this for the blog. There was a group of college boys wearing feather boas around their necks and waving signs that said, "No More Babies!!!" while yelling out about how we don't need anymore babies! "Has a baby ever wiped YOUR ass?!!" "Babies take up too much space!" "We're sick of baby carriages everywhere!!!", "PRO WOMAN, ANTI BABY!" and so on.

It was obvious that they were just having fun and trying to shock people into laughing at their silliness, but when I walked by, I gave them a thumbs up and smiled at them. Then, a few minutes later, as I walked by them again, I stopped and decided to have some fun with them. I told them (with a serious face) that I was really interested in their cause and asked them about the mission of their organization. The young man I spoke to first kinda giggled (because obviously there is no organization or mission and they're just there to shock people) so after he floundered a little bit, another young man (who was really intent on making this seem like a serious protest), jumped in with a full anti-baby speech (loud enough for those passing by to hear). I told them I was in full support of their cause and rattled off my own list of anti-baby propaganda (focusing on the media, and environmental issues). I could tell within a minute that the fact that someone was taking them seriously (a middle-aged woman no less) was upsetting their apple cart a little bit. They weren't shocking me at all. In fact, I think I was shocking them a little.

Anyway, I guess it says something about me that these are the kinds of things I like to do for fun.

Back at the office after lunch, one of my staff members came into say hello and shoot the breeze. We got to talking about our husbands and she asked me how hubby and I met so I gave her the full story of how I was shopping in a music store and was wearing my guitar pendant and he was wearing a drum cymbal pendant and we commented on each other's necklaces and it was destiny! I happened to have some old photos handy in an on-line album, so I showed them to her - photos of hubby and me when we met (when both of us had big hair), dancing at a blues bar, camping at our favorite state park, photos of us dressed up in sombreros at a Mexican party, etc. The more I talked about hubby, the more my eyes must have been twinkling because she turned to me and said:

I can see why you decided not to have kids. You have everything you need already.

It's so cool when a parent gets the choice to be childfree. It's not that I need the acceptance or understanding, but it just feels so gratifying to be perceived as smart and fortunate for being childfree, instead of as a pitiable, misguided fool (which seems to be how most parents perceive us).

Anyway, this got me thinking about my marriage to hubby and I wondered whether I would still have the same twinkle in my eyes if we were saddled with kids, struggling to make ends meet, arguing over housework and childrearing issues and collapsing into bed exhausted every night. I doubt it. There's enough strain and responsibility in life to rally against without kids, but as a united and undiluted twosome, we somehow manage to stay above the fray.