Friday Laugh

Thanks, CF Vixen, for the forward!

Another Facebook Doozie

Really?

I can think of plenty of ugly and evil people whose moms did not bring something beautiful into the world....Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and how about that guy from Cleveland they just arrested for imprisoning 3 girls in his house for 10 years? 

Friday Laughs

Thanks again to CFVixen for the forward.

Our Friend, the Regretful Dad

Popping in to say hello and tell you about our house guest - my hubby's friend Brian - who is visiting with us for a few days.  He lives about 1,000 miles away, so it's only once every 3 or 4 years that we have the pleasure of seeing him.

Brian is married with 3 kids, age 16, 5 and 7.  He left the wife and kids at home and is enjoying some guy time with my hubby.

He wasn't here 5 minutes before he made this comment:  "When I was young, I was unhappy because I wasn't married and didn't have kids.  I had lots of money in the bank but felt my life was so empty and miserable.  Man....I didn't know what misery is." 

Later, he made other comments referring to his "miserable existence".

On Saturday, I left hubby and Brian to do their thing and gave hubby a briefing on what I'd be doing - that I was heading out for a day trip with my girlfriend Sara for the day.  Brian commented on how cool it is that we still get to do whatever we feel like doing every weekend, and how he can't remember what that is like.  He said all he does on weekends is cater to the kids and their activities and watch his money disappear.

The thing about Brian is  - he's brutally honest.  He's a funny guy and laughs and tries to make light of this stuff, but it's obvious that although he loves his children, if he could go back and do it again, he would have chosen our life instead of the one he chose. 

Friday Laughs

Thanks, CFVixen, for the forward.

Whose wedding is this anyway?

Yesterday, my mom and I were having lunch and she was telling me about her friend Rosemarie whose son is getting married.  I asked how the wedding plans were coming and she told me things were coming along pretty well, although she said Rosemarie, and one of her other kids, are upset because children are not going to be allowed at the wedding and this means that her grandchildren will not be able to attend.

My mom told me that Rosemarie is not sure how to handle the situation - whether she should have a "talk" with her future daughter-in-law or what.  I could tell that my mom was in agreement with Rosemarie that of course children should be allowed at the wedding, and that she felt the bride was being unreasonable and selfish to forbid kids from the affair.  In fact, she suggested that one of the grandchildren could even play a piano piece at the affair and wouldn't that be nice.  At this point, I reminded my mom that OUR wedding was adults-only (she didn't remember that) and I do not blame people at all for wanting a sophisticated adult affair without kids running around, screaming and detracting all the attention from the happy couple.   I told her a wedding is the couple's day and they should plan it in the way that works best for them.  And if that means they don't want kids at their wedding, than so be it!

I think it threw my mom off that I took this viewpoint because she assumed that everyone (including me) would be in agreement that it is wrong to forbid children from weddings. 

I think too many couples bend over backwards to make their wedding celebration an affair for their guests instead for themselves - inviting people they'd rather not invite, selecting a song list of songs they don't really like, allowing children when they'd rather it be an adult affair, choosing a menu to suit their guests' preferences instead of their own, continuing silly (and sometimes sexist and outdated) traditions just because people expect them (god forbid a bouquet is not thrown, or a chicken dance is not danced or a bride walks herself down the aisle. The world might end).

When my hubby and I got married, our wedding was a pure expression of who we are.  We axed several wedding traditions that didn't feel right to us, and added some new ones.  We selected the food and songs we liked the best - and we did not allow children.  And guess what?  We - and our guests - had the blast of the century.  Our guests fed off our joy and the wedding turned out to be one of the most uplifting and joyous we have ever been to.  And the children were not missed - as evidenced by the fact that my mom doesn't even remember that we didn't allow them at our wedding.

I Wish I Had Known

Thank you to my friend Matt for forwarding me this article on Lifehacker, 10 Things I Wish I had Known Before Becoming a Parent.  This is yet another mom-penned article outlining in detail all the things that are tough about parenthood, and ending with the requisite bitch and backpedal about how it's all worth it in the end.

The author of the article covers familiar ground:

• Getting pregnant is not easy
• The first few months after the kid are born are torture
• You get no sleep for months
• Your house gets overrun with baby crap
• The expenses never stop
• It's hard to maintain a career, and working at home is not an easy solution
• You stress out a lot over whether the child is developing on schedule
• Going out anywhere is a stress fest
• For better or worse, you and your partner (and your relationship with each other) will never be the same

It always amazes when when parents say they wish they had known these things before they had kids.  I have never had a child and yet I am well aware of the downsides of parenting because:

1. I have 2 eyes.  At least 70% of the people I know have kids and I can directly observe what their lives are like.  I see they are a shell of their former self.  I see their house is overrun with kiddie crap. I see they are having a hard time staying above water.  I see they are stressed over their kid's every move.  I see them spending $200 a month on diapers. I see the burden it is for them to go anywhere. I see their marriage deteriorating. I see how tired and stressed they are.  How can anyone observe people with kids and not know the truth of what parenting is like?
2. I have never known a single parent who appeared to be more happy, fulfilled or better off in any way than I am - unless you count their tax breaks and stork parking (which I help myself to anyway).  In fact, many of them seem downright miserable.  And exhausted.  And stressed.  And broke.  And nobody can convince me that some kiddie kisses and "I love you mommy" are going to undo all of that.
3. Given #1 and #2 above, why would I be surprised to learn that being a parent is hard, full of drugery, no sleep, exhausting, draining, life-sucking and all the rest?  Why do people so easily believe the fairytales about parenthood when their own eyes can tell them the real truth, if only they would open them?

The backpedal at the end of "it's all worth it" is just a way for the complaining mom to redeem herself because we all know it is taboo for a mom to be honest about the suckage that is motherhood. For a woman, to say that it sucks to have kids is the same thing as saying "I am an awful mom", but that can be erased by qualifying all of her complaints with, "it's all worth it" at the end.  Saying "it's all worth it" also has the added benefit of bestowing saintlike martyr qualities on the complaining mom, because god knows the saint/martyr label is one that moms love to wear with pride.  LOOK AT ALL I HAVE SACRIFICED FOR MY CHILDREN! 

(Of course, if she wants to avoid having to keep up the appearance of being a good mom and claiming "it's all worth it",  she can post her bitter complaints about motherhood anonymously on the internet, as many parents are doing these days).

If ending their venting sessions with "it's all worth it" makes it a little easier for moms to endure their lifelong prison sentence and to be honest about the downsides of childrearing, than I guess we can give them a pass - for now.  At least their increasing openness about the realities of parenthood is creating a counter-balance to the overwhelming and unrealistic pronatalist mythology that has a death grip on our culture.  My hope is that as more moms and dads write articles about the harsh realities of parenthood, fewer people will feel compelled to put their pens to paper to scribble out regretful "Things I Wish I had Known Before Becoming a Parent" lists, long after it's too late to turn back.  Instead, they will put to good use the shared experiences of parents and non-parents (and hopefully their own observations) to thoughtfully and intelligently weigh out the costs and benefits before making a monumental and life-altering leap.