Play Dates: Reason Enough Not to Have Kids

I may not be a parent, but through my close friend Sara who is a mom (and like a sister to me), I am privvy to the nitty gritty of what it's like to be a parent. I truly get a bird's eye view because Sara holds nothing back, good and bad. Let me tell you folks, while there are many, many good, sound reasons not to have kids, especially in today's society, the requirement of today's moms to plan and attend PLAY DATES has to be reason enough not to have kids.

I am sure most of you know what play dates are, but in the event you are unfamiliar, essentially young children of today no longer go out to play like we did when we were kids (you know..."Hey Mom - I'm going over Suzy's house to play. I'll be back later for dinner"). No, their parents (usually mom) have to organize and schedule play appointments with other parents and their children. Children can no longer play without adult planning and supervision. Here's how it works:

Mother #1 identifies that Mother #2 has a child of a similar age and places a phone call to Mother #2 to schedule a "play date". This is done to ensure that her child has friends and an adequate amount of play time. At the appointed time, both mothers and their children meet at an agreed-upon place so that the children can play with each other while the mothers sit there and watch. During this time, the mothers talk about their children and usually one (or both) of the mothers tries to get a leg up on the other by talking up her child's achievements and development. The mothers also like to compare their methods of parenting, each positioning herself as the best mom with the best mothering practices. According to Sara, play dates are also used as a time for moms to bash their husbands and moms (like my friend) who are happy with their husbands and do not feel the need to bash them, are viewed suspiciously and are eventually wedged out of the play date network, hence resulting in a lonely child with no friends.

I was out with Sara all day yesterday (yes, she actually took a full day to herself away from the family!) and she spent a significant amount of time venting about the politics of play dates. I truly felt sorry for her and it broke my heart to hear the feelings of isolation she was experiencing, not to mention her concerns for her children who - because of her not fitting in with the other moms - are becoming social outcasts. Talk about mother's guilt.

I have to say - the thought of play dates instantly activates my gag reflex. Is there anything more awful to contemplate than being forced to socialize with boring yuppy moms that you have nothing in common with, in order to provide a social life for your child? And to bear the sole responsibility of your child's happiness and social development via fruitful political involvement with said boring yuppy moms? Honestly, I think I'd rather get a root canal. And is there anything more sad than the loss of childhood spontanaeity and the overscheduling of every minute of the modern child's life?

When it comes to play dates, nobody said it better than my favorite comedian, George Carlin (may he rest in peace). So today, I will leave you with George's take on play dates (and other modern parenting offenses).

The Invisible Woman Strikes Again

Recently I've been dealing with a medical issue that has required me to have more than one doctor's visit. Don't worry readers, everything is going to be fine, but I wanted to share with you another example of one of the many subtle ways childfree women are made to feel invisible in our society.

At the last two doctor's appointments I've gone to, I have been asked (during the usual question-and-answer segment of the consultation) at what age I had my first child. Did you catch that? I wasn't asked if I had children. I was asked when I had my first child. So here are the two assumptions made about me because I am a 44 year old woman:

1. That at some point I had a child.

2. That not only did I have a child, I had more than one child (asking about my first child presumes that I had a second child).

Seems to me, a more appropriate question would be "Do you have children?"

Now I realize that the majority of women my age have children, but many do not. While this question really annoyed me (a person who has chosen not to have children), imagine how it must make a childless woman feel, for example someone struggling with infertility or other issues.

How about you? Can you think of other subtle (or even not-so-subtle) ways the childfree are made to feel invisible? If so, post a comment.

Octomom Goes to the Dogs

In the news today: Octomom, Nadya Suleman, has discovered first-hand that pushing out too many puppies is not such a good thing, so she has agreed to help PETA promote their message that people should spay and neuter their pets.

Of course the obvious question is - why wasn't Octomom encouraged to get herself spayed after the first 6 kids?

The Full Story

I Don't Miss My Husband

Last night I had a couple of hours to hang out with one of my close friends, Sara. As I have mentioned before, Sara has two young sons, so our time together is limited. Whereas (prior to her having kids) we used to see each other once or twice a week for stretches of several hours, we are now lucky to see each other once every 2-3 weeks for about 2 hours max.

We sat on our couch and chatted for 2 hours and caught up on all the latest. At one point, we were talking about parenthood, and she confessed to me that she misses her husband. She told me that since they have had kids, their entire life revolves around caring for the kids and there is very little time left for she and her husband to be together. She said they talk about this sometimes and tell each other how much they miss each other - how much they miss going on dates, spending time together, talking - just the two of them. She admitted they are no longer first in each other's lives. She lamented that this just the way it is when kids are young and all couples with kids go through it. She expressed optimism for the future when the kids are bigger and don't need so much constant attention.

Although Sara is one of the rare moms I know who truly seems to love being a mom, whenever I am with her I am filled with a renewed gratefulness for being childfree. I wouldn't trade places with her in a million years. I love being #1 in my hubby's life, and making hubby #1 in my life. Nobody comes before him. I love having his undivided attention and I love giving him mine. I love that the level of conflict, stress and chaos in our marriage is minimal and I am keenly aware that this is primarily due to being kid-free. I love that our recreational time belongs almost exclusively to US and we can spend our time doing things that we find enjoyable and fulfilling. I cannot imagine spending my evenings and weekends running kids to soccer games and Chuck E. Cheese, to birthday parties or (gag) "play dates". As someone who enjoys cooking, I love that I can whip up sophisticated dinners that please our adult palates and not have to pander to demands for chicken nuggets and Kraft Mac 'n Cheese.

I don't miss my husband because he's fully present in my life. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be about? I could never imagine sacrificing that to the alter of childrearing, but to each her own.

Jillian on the Hot Seat

Fitness guru Jillian Michaels is in hot water with moms over a recent comment she made in an article in Women's Health Magazine and now she's doing some serious damage control (and from the looks of it, a bit of backpedaling too).

In the article, she commented on her feelings about pregnancy: "I'm going to adopt. I can't handle doing that to my body. Also, when you rescue something, it's like rescuing a part of yourself."

Immediately, the media pounced on her, sensationalizing her comments by stating she wouldn't get pregnant because it would ruin her body. Of course, this sent moms everywhere in a collective hissy-fit. How could she choose a beautiful body over MOTHERHOOD!?? What kind of woman would put her looks and physique above pregnancy and childbirth - the pinacle of womanhood???!!! What a horrible, selfish creature!!!

On and on it went - I saw this story featured on every celebrity/entertainment and morning news show I flipped past. It was the hot topic of the week.

And there in the middle of the uproar is Jillian, steadfastly defending herself and expressing hurt feelings over being misinterpreted. Misinterpreted? Yes. Apparently, when she said, "I can't handle doing that to my body" she didn't mean ruining her body. She meant that she has some serious, deep-seated body issues that make it impossible for her to handle pregnancy. Okay, Jillian, we'll give you a pass because we know you're really getting slammed and you have a lucrative empire to protect, but truth be told, you're not fooling us.

The fact is, pregnancy DOES ruin women's bodies. Sure, the media likes to create sensational frenzies over the beautiful post-baby celebrity bods, but any real woman with two brain cells in her head knows that these women are freak-of-nature exceptions to the rule - privileged women with private chefs, nutritionists, personal trainers, nannies and unlimited access to plastic surgery. The vast majority of women do not look like Halle Berry or Heidi Klum after giving birth. They look like this.

Let's not forget that in Jillian's case, her rockin' physique is her livelihood, so it seems not only forgiveable, but completely reasonable and prudent that she forego wrecking her body with pregnancy and childbirth.

And here's an angle that nobody's taken yet: how about some praise for Jillian for stating that she will adopt - a far more generous and selfless act than bringing another human being into this already-overcrowded world? I find it very telling that no media outlet has touched that part of her quote. Her comment on adoption makes her sound nice, and good, and selfless - in other words, not the vain, selfish, narcissist they want to make her out to be. Nice, good and selfless are boring but vain, selfish narcissism sell lots of magazines.

Our culture is so warped when it comes to celebrity. And it is even more warped when it comes to motherhood, putting both on ridiculously high pedestals that are just begging to be toppled over. It's time we take celebrities AND mothers off their damned pedestals and stop holding celebs accountable as model mothers. Or in Jillian's case, as potential mother.

Say it Loud: Childfree and Proud

Lisa Hymas is childfree and proud of it! In this article, she shares her view of the childfree lifestyle with a special focus on the environmental benefits of our lifestyle.

Say it Loud: I'm Childfree and I'm Proud

Thanks, Lisa, for sending me the link.

Spring Meanderings

Sorry I've been an absentee blogger for awhile...things have just been extra insane in my life recently and I have been having a hard time concentrating on the fun side projects in my life, like this blog.

But I thought I would pop in today and say hello and tell you about a couple of things that happened today that are relevant to Childfreedom.

It is such a beautiful day today - the perfect spring day - so at lunchtime I took a walk through the university campus near my office. Everything was in full bloom and students were everywhere - walking about, sunbathing on lawns and some (as is customary at this university) were standing in the middle of the walkway trying to draw attention to a cause. Today I wished I had had my smart phone with me so I could have videotaped this for the blog. There was a group of college boys wearing feather boas around their necks and waving signs that said, "No More Babies!!!" while yelling out about how we don't need anymore babies! "Has a baby ever wiped YOUR ass?!!" "Babies take up too much space!" "We're sick of baby carriages everywhere!!!", "PRO WOMAN, ANTI BABY!" and so on.

It was obvious that they were just having fun and trying to shock people into laughing at their silliness, but when I walked by, I gave them a thumbs up and smiled at them. Then, a few minutes later, as I walked by them again, I stopped and decided to have some fun with them. I told them (with a serious face) that I was really interested in their cause and asked them about the mission of their organization. The young man I spoke to first kinda giggled (because obviously there is no organization or mission and they're just there to shock people) so after he floundered a little bit, another young man (who was really intent on making this seem like a serious protest), jumped in with a full anti-baby speech (loud enough for those passing by to hear). I told them I was in full support of their cause and rattled off my own list of anti-baby propaganda (focusing on the media, and environmental issues). I could tell within a minute that the fact that someone was taking them seriously (a middle-aged woman no less) was upsetting their apple cart a little bit. They weren't shocking me at all. In fact, I think I was shocking them a little.

Anyway, I guess it says something about me that these are the kinds of things I like to do for fun.

Back at the office after lunch, one of my staff members came into say hello and shoot the breeze. We got to talking about our husbands and she asked me how hubby and I met so I gave her the full story of how I was shopping in a music store and was wearing my guitar pendant and he was wearing a drum cymbal pendant and we commented on each other's necklaces and it was destiny! I happened to have some old photos handy in an on-line album, so I showed them to her - photos of hubby and me when we met (when both of us had big hair), dancing at a blues bar, camping at our favorite state park, photos of us dressed up in sombreros at a Mexican party, etc. The more I talked about hubby, the more my eyes must have been twinkling because she turned to me and said:

I can see why you decided not to have kids. You have everything you need already.

It's so cool when a parent gets the choice to be childfree. It's not that I need the acceptance or understanding, but it just feels so gratifying to be perceived as smart and fortunate for being childfree, instead of as a pitiable, misguided fool (which seems to be how most parents perceive us).

Anyway, this got me thinking about my marriage to hubby and I wondered whether I would still have the same twinkle in my eyes if we were saddled with kids, struggling to make ends meet, arguing over housework and childrearing issues and collapsing into bed exhausted every night. I doubt it. There's enough strain and responsibility in life to rally against without kids, but as a united and undiluted twosome, we somehow manage to stay above the fray.