I Don't Miss My Husband

Last night I had a couple of hours to hang out with one of my close friends, Sara. As I have mentioned before, Sara has two young sons, so our time together is limited. Whereas (prior to her having kids) we used to see each other once or twice a week for stretches of several hours, we are now lucky to see each other once every 2-3 weeks for about 2 hours max.

We sat on our couch and chatted for 2 hours and caught up on all the latest. At one point, we were talking about parenthood, and she confessed to me that she misses her husband. She told me that since they have had kids, their entire life revolves around caring for the kids and there is very little time left for she and her husband to be together. She said they talk about this sometimes and tell each other how much they miss each other - how much they miss going on dates, spending time together, talking - just the two of them. She admitted they are no longer first in each other's lives. She lamented that this just the way it is when kids are young and all couples with kids go through it. She expressed optimism for the future when the kids are bigger and don't need so much constant attention.

Although Sara is one of the rare moms I know who truly seems to love being a mom, whenever I am with her I am filled with a renewed gratefulness for being childfree. I wouldn't trade places with her in a million years. I love being #1 in my hubby's life, and making hubby #1 in my life. Nobody comes before him. I love having his undivided attention and I love giving him mine. I love that the level of conflict, stress and chaos in our marriage is minimal and I am keenly aware that this is primarily due to being kid-free. I love that our recreational time belongs almost exclusively to US and we can spend our time doing things that we find enjoyable and fulfilling. I cannot imagine spending my evenings and weekends running kids to soccer games and Chuck E. Cheese, to birthday parties or (gag) "play dates". As someone who enjoys cooking, I love that I can whip up sophisticated dinners that please our adult palates and not have to pander to demands for chicken nuggets and Kraft Mac 'n Cheese.

I don't miss my husband because he's fully present in my life. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be about? I could never imagine sacrificing that to the alter of childrearing, but to each her own.

Today Show Hosts Experience Another Bout of Cognitive Dissonance

If you've ever taken a psychology class, you may have heard the term cognitive dissonance. Simply stated, it refers to an uneasy state of mind in which a person tries to maintain two contradicting ideas at the same time. Well, I had to laugh out loud at this example of cognitive dissonance on display on the Today Show when the hosts report on research which shows that married couples with children have lower levels of marital satisfaction. Watch how the hosts - who, in keeping with the pro-parenthood stance of the show, do their best to rationalize, justify and minimize the impact of this research. You can just feel their unease as they try to stomach this research which flies in the face of the pro-parenthood messages they are constantly pedaling.



This isn't the Today Show's first offense on this matter. Remember this?

While the Today Show does its best to poo-poo and pay minimal lip service to the research on the negative impact of children on marriage and on happiness, I am going to re-publish for you graduate level research which pays this subject the attention it deserves and doesn't soft-pedal on the issue of what children do to marriages and levels of personal happiness.

From No to Children, Yes to Childfreedom: Pronatalism and the Perceptions and Experiences of Childfree Women:

"The relational advantages of childfreedom are most pronounced in the area of marital satisfaction. Several studies have concluded that childfree marriages are happier than the marriages of parents. Crohan explored how styles of conflict resolution change for spouses after they become parents using data from the first and third waves of the First Years of Marriage Study conducted at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research. Results showed that spouses who became parents report lower marital happiness and more frequent conflicts after the transition than before having children. White parents also reported higher marital tension.

Feldman studied intentional parents and childfree couples and found that while levels of marital satisfaction were similar, childfree couples have significantly more positive marital interactions for example, “having fun away from home”, “having a stimulating exchange of ideas”, “working together on a project” and “having sexual relations” more often. He found that childfree marriages are more interactive, with more conversations in the areas of “work”, “health”, “feelings”, “cultural” topics, “mutual friends”, “politics” and “sexual relations”. As would be expected, parents talked more frequently than nonparents about rearing children. Similarly, Somers, who conducted a study comparing childfree and parents, found the childfree groups scored higher on marital satisfaction and showed significantly higher levels of cohesion (working together, discussing and exchanging ideas) than parents. Additionally, the childfree showed higher levels of dyadic satisfaction (measured by the frequency of quarrels, threats of divorce) and scored higher on the life satisfaction scale than parents. Callan, who interviewed 60 mothers, 36 voluntarily childless wives and 53 infertile women noted that the childfree women reported more time with their husbands including higher levels of consensus and more exchanges of ideas.

Twenge, Campbell and Foster, who conducted a meta-analytic review on 97 articles containing 148 data points on parenthood and marital satisfaction, concluded that parents report lower marital satisfaction than non-parents and that there is a significant negative correlation between marital satisfaction and the number of children. The effect of parenthood on marital satisfaction is more negative among high socioeconomic groups, younger birth cohorts and in more recent years. The data suggest that role conflicts and restriction of freedom are responsible for this decrease in marital satisfaction.

Renne, who conducted a study on 4,452 married couples (including childless couples, couples rearing children, and couples with children no longer living at home), found that parenthood detracts from the morale and health of married persons, particularly among younger couples. Childless marriages were found to be happier, even among older couples and while childless marriages appeared to improve with time, the marriages of parent couples tended to deteriorate. Renne concluded that childless marriages are happier, regardless of the length of marriage or age of the couple.

Cowan and Cowan, authors of When Partners Become Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples, describe what happens to parents when they become parents. Upon having a child, the household tasks become more specialized and the division of labor with respect to child care falls more to the mother than the father. Their study, as well as a study by Pleck, indicate that husbands whose wives are employed do little more housework and caring for the children than husbands whose wives do not work outside the home.

'The most problematic issue for men and women in the early family years is who cares for the children. Neither the traditional male/female division nor the new egalitarian sharing arrangements stand out as ideal: Modern couples get penalized either way. When one parent brings home the bacon while the other stays home to look after the child, both can feel underappreciated and strapped economically, which burdens the marriage and the children. When both parents work outside the family, they tend to feel better about themselves and about their contributions to the family economy, but parents and children are breathless, often missing the opportunity for intimate moments.” (Cowan and Cowan, p. 203)'

In addition to having higher levels of marital satisfaction, childfree marriages tend to be more egalitarian with more freedom to modify conventional sex roles. Veevers explains that in ordinary families, “the coming of children tends to accentuate biological sex differences and to buttress conventional sex role expectations. The birth of a baby signals the beginning of a traditional division of labor with the woman taking on more of the childbearing chores, regardless of her employment status outside the home.” (p. 104). By comparison, childfree couples maintain roles which are interchangeable and more equal. Without the constraints of child care, childfree couples are better able to negotiate an equal partnership, especially since both partners are likely to work outside the home and are therefore likely to see themselves as equal contributors to the marriage."
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Another researcher, Harvard Psychologist Dan Gilbert, has also concluded that parenthood has a negative impact on happiness. The Sydney Morning Herald did an article on this aspect of his book which I previously posted here.

Happy reading!