Timbuktu or Bust

I am 44 years old, and sometimes I have to remind myself that I am "middle aged". The whole idea of being middle aged kinda bugs me, and I don't feel old, so I try to avoid thinking about it, but there are times when it's hard to keep pretending I'm in my 20s.

Like when I am constantly being irritated by the noise emitted by other humans.

Is it me? Am I just becoming a cranky old lady, or are people just noisier these days? Is there anywhere a person can go where they will not be assaulted by sound?

This being a childfree blog, it goes without saying that much of the noise I am assaulted with comes from families with children. They are everywhere, invading our space like aliens on attack in a bad science fiction movie. They are yelling. They are screaming. They are pushing and shoving. They are cackling and cooing - all at full volume and without regard to the sensitive ears (and desire for peace and quiet) of the people in their vicinity.

If I am to be objective, however, it's not only families with children who are disturbing the peace. I ride a train to work and every day I am on a quest to find a seat in a quiet area. When I enter the train, I strategically scan the aisle, looking at the passengers. I look for people who are talking to others and talking on cell phones and I sit someplace else. I try to sit myself next to sleeping passengers, to increase the odds I will have some peace and quiet, but inevitably my strategy fails because within a minute of settling into my seat, someone within earshot of me will start yammering on their phone full-blast, or break into a full-volume conversation with someone across the aisle with complete disregard for how they are annoying others.

Taking it all into consideration, families with children are the worst because they not only have no consideration for others around them, they seem to be under the impression that everyone finds them endearing. They whoop it up like they are the circus coming through town, and in the middle of the ruckus the parent smiles at me with a knowing look that says aren't my kids just the cutest!!!?? I just glare back at them and try to telepath a look that says no, you're all a bunch of annoying clowns - now get the f*ck out of my space and back to your circus tent", but they never seem to receive my message. An exasperated sigh doesn't work either. I've tried that. So I usually get up and move myself to another area but that only remedies the problem for a moment before another parade of noise makers invades my space.

It's the same story everywhere we go. Not long ago we went camping in the woods - the perfect place to commune quietly with nature and each other. Nope. Within 30 minutes of setting up our campsite, a truck filled with noisy kids (and equally noisy parents) pulled into the campsite next to us. Every morning and evening we not only had to endure the endless sounds of kids screaming and running around like Energizer bunnies on crack, we also had to endure the equally noisy father hollering across the entire campground, "RONNY - COME GET YOUR DINNER." "ANDREW - DO YOU WANT HOT CHOCOLATE!??" "Whaaaat?" "DO YOU WANT HOT CHOCOLATE!? I AM MAKING IT NOW." "COME ON, IT'S GETTING COLD!" Day and night, night and day, yelling and carrying on with not even the slightest consideration that perhaps some people came there to enjoy the beauty and quiet of nature.

While camping in Maryland this past summer, the circus in the site next to us was so out of hand with kids screaming full-volume non-stop, I finally flipped my lid and marched over to their site to confront them. I said to the father, "Would you mind asking them to keep it down a little? The noise is really out of hand" to which the clueless father shrugged his shoulders like a defeated dog and laughed, "Yeah, good luck. I've tried." This, after we observed him for a solid day and saw him do nothing - not even utter a single word to his kids as they carried on like out-of-control apes.

I know this will make me sound like the middle aged woman I am, but it scares me to consider what our society is turning into. Where have manners gone? Where has basic consideration gone? Where has awareness of other people gone? Nobody has manners, nobody cares about anyone but themselves, and everyone thinks they have the right to do whatever they want, as noisily as they want, at all hours of the day and night. Parents have no manners or consideration themselves, so they do not teach these values to their children. Life is a free-for-all where chaos and self-interest reign supreme.

Maybe it's time for me to hitch a ride to Timbuktu. Do you think I could find some peace and quiet there?

The racket

By this point, I think it's pretty clear that I hold the opinion that parenthood is a racket. But it's not just a racket in the way you are thinking. Today I am talking about the NOISE!

This may seem like a trivial issue and certainly not a primary reason not to have children but it is worth discussing. How on earth can people stand the chaos and noise that comes along with having kids?

I have a very close friend, Sara, who I've known for 22 years. She's like a sister to me. Through 16 years of our friendship she was sans children, and then in her late 30s she got married to her second husband and they decided to have kids. They have two sons - one who is soon to be 6, the other who is 2.

Sara and I get together about once every 2 weeks. Usually she comes to my house or we go out someplace together, but there is the occasional get-together that entails me visiting her at her house, like last night.

The second I step into her house, I immediately feel my stomach twisting into knots. The kids come running to me and are clearly happy to see me (they even refer to me as an "aunt") but from there, it's all downhill. The entire time I am visiting, the 6 year old is talking (i.e. yelling) at the top of his lungs and continually interrupting Sara and me as we are trying to have a conversation. He thinks that because he says, "excuse me" repeatedly, it's okay to interrupt. Sara does little to stop him - she gently encourages him to go play in the other room, but when he doesn't (and keeps interrupting us) she allows him to sit there and be a non-stop annoyance. Sara tries to have a conversation with me, but hears nothing I say. I give up trying to talk with her.

The 2 year old is in the throes of "terrible twos" and has a hair-trigger temper tantrum reflex that get set off by the tiniest of things. The entire time I am visiting, he is squirming, and fighting and yelling and being a generous nuisance.

The house is in complete disarray with toys and junk stewn everywhere. This, combined with the noise level puts me into fight-or-flight survival mode, and I get this urgent impulse to run screaming from the house. It's hard to sit there and maintain a calm exterior because inside I am churning.

Sara's house is not unique. Everyone I know who has young children lives like this. Noise, chaos, stress, power struggles, negotiating, mess, pushing, pulling, fighting. It starts the moment they wake up and it ends when they finally collapse exhausted into bed each night. How can they stand it? Is it is something that one just becomes immune to over time? It seems that way because as I sit there with my anxiety level at 10 and the violent urge to run for the hills, I look over at my friend and she doesn't seem the least bit flustered. Her face is relaxed as she dutifully jumps up and down to deal with each crisis. This is her new normal.

Sara is happy in her life (she's one of the few moms I know who sincerely seems happy in the role), so I am happy for her, but I have to say - my occasional visits to her house always impart on me a HUGE sense of relief for the life of calm I have chosen. When I got home last night and walked into my serene house, I was greeted by the gentle purr of my three furbabies. Hubby was flopped on the couch watching a movie. I had entered our oasis. All was right in the world.