Just like Real Life

Proctor & Gamble - the maker of brands like Crest, Head & Shoulders, Olay, Oral-B, Pantene, Bounty, Charmin, Dawn, Downy, Gain, Pampers, and Tide - knows who butters their bread - moms. So they put together a little commercial to butter up their bread butterers with the message to remind moms that theirs is the best job in the world.

The video shows the sacrifice involved in being a mom - the cooking and cleaning, the caretaking and cheuffering, exhaustion, early mornings and self-sacrifice. There's lots of standing on the sidelines too - conveying how mom gives up her own life so that her child can have a great life and become successful. (Of course, from the viewpoint of a childfree blogger, this reinforces the contention that for many people parenthood is nothing more than a cop-out and a way to relegate true effort and achievement in life to someone else). We see the moms cheering on their Olympic athlete kids as if they themselves are the medal winners.

And then of course, at the end of the commercial we get the big tear-jerking bingo that being a mom is tough work, but it's SO WORTH IT. Sure, you cook and clean and slave your ass off and give up your entire life and identity - but in the end, look what you get - AN OLYMPIC MEDALIST!

Yeah, just like real life.

Why Do Women Lie About Motherhood?

Here is a question for my readers:

When you read the dozens of posts by regretful mothers that I have linked to on this blog , what kinds of questions do you come up with?

I have a few, but the question that is in the forefront of my mind is: 

Why do women lie to each other about motherhood?

Many mothers enjoy parenting and are happy to be moms, but it is clear that there are also many who are unhappy.  Some desperately so.  Some even suicidal.  As we have seen, these mothers are coming out of the woodwork to express their displeasure on the internet where they can hide behind their computer screens in a shroud of anonymity and commiserate with the many other similarly miserable moms.  Most claim that while they love their child(ren), they hate being a mom.  Many say they wish they never had kids and that if they could do it all over again, they wouldn't have children.  Some advise others who are contemplating having children NOT to do it.  Many say motherhood has stripped them of their identities - that they are shells of their former selves and they would do anything to get their former childfree lives back.  Many say motherhood is a scam and they are angry about how they were lied to and hoodwinked into a life that is nothing as promised.

So who is doing the scamming?

I would argue that many of the women who are miserable being moms, regret it with their entire being and would do anything to go back to their life before children, are the very same women who are scornful of the childfree, lie to other women and continue to promote the "scam"  that having children is the one true path to happiness and fulfillment.

How do I know this is true?  It's simple math.  While many, many women are catharting all over the internet about the hell that is motherhood, in our day-to-day lives we hear virtually NOTHING but glowing reviews from women about motherhood.  So somebody is lying, or at the minimum withholding the truth.

As always, I have my theories.  I think there are many reasons a woman lies to other women about motherhood:

1.  She feels she can't be honest and admit how much she hates it because to do so would immediately label her as a "bad mom".  And that is a really painful label to wear.

2.  She is afraid that if she admits she hates being a mom, people will think she doesn't love her child(ren).  Again - this would label her a bad mom and a horrible person.

3.  She is worried that there is something wrong with her.  Since everyone else claims motherhood is the pinacle of existence, a woman's "most important role", and "so worth it", they must be right.  There must be something wrong with her and she must be defective in some way.  This is a hard thing to accept so she pretends it isn't so and deludes herself and everyone else into believing that she too is happy and fulfilled by her role as mother.

4.  She wants to appear happy and successful, and one way to accomplish this is to claim that she is happy with the choices she has made and the path she has taken with her life.  To say she is unhappy and regretful would result in her being perceived as a loser, and that hurts too much.

5. It is simply too painful to admit that she royally fucked up her life, because unlike other life choices, she can't undo this mistake.  Having kids is for life.  So it's better to pretend and lie to herself and others that motherhood is her greatest joy than to face the fact that she is facing a lifetime prison sentence.

6.  She is jealous of her childfree friends, and it kills her to constantly be reminded of the great life she once had.  Perhaps "misery loves company" comes into play here. By lying about motherhood and converting others to the awful motherhood role, she reduces her exposure to happy, unencumbered women - women who are a constant stream of salt in her wounds and reminder of what she lost.

Would anyone else like to add their theories as to why women lie to each other about motherhood?  I hope my mom readers will chime in on this one.

Moms on the Dole

Since motherhood is not already valued enough in our culture, Salary.com added a "Mom Salary Wizard" to their web site, so that moms can boost their self-esteem even further and get even more positive reinforcement by seeing how much they would be paid if they received a salary. The site will even print out a paycheck for them (presumably to give to their husbands to make them appreciate them more). Thanks to my friend Matt for forwarding this to me. Give it a whirl and let me know what you think.

Hm, if moms actually got paid this much money, I might decide to change careers. (just kidding)

In all seriousness, this is ridiculous. As Matt said in his e-mail to me, "This really irritates me. Have you done a blog post about this? I'm sure you must have. It's just so ridiculous. People CHOOSE to have children, so how is this conversation even justified? It's like getting paid to mow your own lawn or pursue a hobby."

Good point, Matt. In fact, I'd like to have a salary calculator too to figure out what all my unpaid contributions to the world are worth. This blog alone must be worth big bucks, right?

Oooh, and I just noticed something interesting on this calculator. If you look closely, under the calculator, there is a little link that says "What about Dads?", so you can click that link and calculate what a dad is worth in salary. Bad news, ladies. Gender inequality in the workplace reigns supreme even in the the domestic sphere. The basic salary range for a Mom without changing any of the defaults is $68,027 - $181,273. The basic range for a Dad is $71,090 - $186,375.

Surely a man invented this calculator.

What's Wrong with this Picture?

Okay, people, I know I pick on OK! Magazine a lot but honestly, how can I help it? This rag deserves it like no other and gives me plenty of fodder for this blog. Just check out their latest installment of celebrity baby/mommy obsessing featuring the deliriously happy, beautiful and glowing, unmarried, 17-year-old Jamie Spears with her new bastard child. As you read the article, ask yourself these questions: what message does this article (and photos) send to teenage girls about unmarried, teenage pregnancy? How is pregnancy and childbirth portrayed? Do you think it's a realistic portrayal? (Pay particular attention to the sections I highlighted in blue italics).

"WORLD EXCLUSIVE: MEET BABY MADDIE!

Since giving birth on June 19 to baby girl Maddie Briann Aldridge, Jamie Lynn Spears has taken to doing what any good first time mom would do — making sure her brand new daughter has everything she needs.

And, in an exclusive interview and photoshoot, the younger sister of Britney Spears tells OK! that being away from the shining lights of Hollywood is making it all easier to learn the ins and outs of first-time motherhood. "Around here, everyone has the same focus," Jamie Lynn tells OK!. "The focus is family, and that's a good way to live."

The 17-year-old actress opens up to OK! about everything — from taking parenting classes to life inside the new home she shares with Maddie and boyfriend Casey Aldridge, to her first experience with labor pains."They'd told me it would be an eight- to 12-hour labor, and I was ready to have the baby in three to four hours," Jamie Lynn tells OK!. "I had a perfect pregnancy and a perfect delivery. I was very blessed."

While the former Zoey 101 star and her fiancé have not yet set a date for their wedding, the couple remains closer than ever. Jamie Lynn, who tells OK! that while her labor was induced, she gave birth naturally and without complications, says that Casey was the one person she wanted in the delivery room with her.

"Once I got in there, my doctor was just so calm and so good it was not bad at all," she says. "I was just talking to Casey. And you know what's so weird? I was asking him if he was okay. He was like, 'Yeah.' We were both so excited."

A baby nursery is set up for little Maddie at the other end of the house, but for now her proud parents like having her next to them at night, so she sleeps in a bassinet in the same room as Jamie Lynn and Casey.

"She is very good," says Jamie Lynn. "She'll feed every two or three hours. When she wakes up in the middle of the night, I'll feed her and she goes right back to sleep. There's no screaming and crying."

The proud mama continues, "We get up in the morning, and she gets her little bath. Then I get my bath. We have a routine, and I love routines. I've worked one out with her, and we're happy going about our little life."
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So by way of summary: Jamie Lynn, despite being an unmarried teenager - essentially a child herself - is a "good mom", whose focus is exactly where it should be - on family. Her life is the picture of perfection - a perfect pregancy, and childbirth was a piece of cake - a real breeze with no complications and - an "exciting" affair with no drugs required! Best of all, she is gloriously happy with the baby's father and having a child has brought them closer together than ever. Most amazingly, she has one of the only babies known to man that never screams or cries! It's almost as though Jamie Lynne has a fairy godmother who waved a magic wand over her head and sprinkled her with fairy dust!

Fairy dust indeed! The editors of this rag should be thrown in prison for the messages they are conveying to young girls and for spinning such a disgrace into an exciting "world exclusive". It is exactly these messages that result in a society where young girls are making pregnancy pacts and becoming pregnant in droves - celebrating unwed, underaged motherhood. Maybe I am showing my age, but it wasn't that long ago that it was a disgrace for an unwed teen to become pregnant and it was something one tried to avoid at all costs. Pregnancy was something to fear and worry about. It was the enemy. Becoming of age, getting an education and getting married were the normal order of events before considering having children. Now, unmarried, pregnant teens like Jamie Spears are held up as examples of perfection in girlhood!

Well, all I can say is - THANK GOD I don't have any children. Especially girls.