I've been nothing but smiles this past hour. My doctor had called with my lab results.
See, I was 23 and single when I decided to get a vasectomy. This can be controversial for most. In the U.S., 18 is considered the age of adulthood, yet society in general has decided that you don't know what you are doing when you are in your early 20s. I blame it on the coddling of children that many "protective" parents in recent generations have accepted as proper parenting. The idea of making Little Johnny's life easy by putting him in a sterile bubble until he's finished with high school has produced a lot of man-babies who can't make their own decisions once given actual autonomy in adulthood. Dealing with consequences when you never had to growing up... how scary. A generation that knows no consequence... scarier. And since TV has been a prevalent source of "information", my decision-making abilities are compared to those of Spring Break drunken hooligans, the cast of Jersey Shore, or spoiled melodramatic brats with "problems"(Thanks MTV!). But I digress.
I received more criticism for being single. Who would want to date a guy who actively chooses not to have children? What happens when you find "the one" and she decides that she wants to have offspring? Every woman wants a child eventually.
You're right world. I should have conned a woman into thinking that she shouldn't have children with me first before I get such a permanent procedure done. Once I have her initially convinced/trapped, I just have to wait out those constant feelings of wanting to reproduce that she obviously will have until she hits menopause and all that hope is gone. Then we can live unhappily ever after, spiteful at each other and lonely with no one to take care of us. Because that is the fate of all childfree relationships...
Thankfully, I've met a few women who have decided to grab the reins of life and steer their own paths. A woman who thinks about her choices, understands the consequences, and commits to her decisions is the type I'm attracted to.
If anything, this vasectomy has helped me weed out people I don't want to be romantically involved with. Tell a date you don't plan on having kids, she might think you mean that you're not ready to have them yet and you'd be open to the idea later. Tell a date you made sure that you can't physically have kids... more of a make or break moment.
Now that it has been confirmed that the procedure was a success, I move on to other things. The beauty of childfreedom is not the absence of another obligation, but the presence of a life of your choosing. People who are childfree are active, involved, and engaged in the world around them. And since I can't rely on my offspring to live out my dreams for me, it seems I'll have to live them out myself.
If any of your readers want to find out more they can email me or check out the website.
Thanks!
- Beau
be.beaudacious@gmail.com
http://be-beaudacious.blogspot.com/
Showing posts with label A Man's View. Show all posts
Showing posts with label A Man's View. Show all posts
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Monday, December 6, 2010
A Man's View - Hated on Mostly
I read a yahoo news article recently and a comment by Susan Sarandon really bothered me and was an example of one of many reasons why I do not want to have children.
After so many years together, she suggested they had reached their limit: "You bring people into your life at certain times. Maybe you have a relationship to have children and you realize that it's fulfilled after that point."
Comments like this and women's general baby rabies behavior that eventually comes to dominate all things in a relationship always make me question whether a woman is really into her partner and really loves him or is he merely a means-to-an-end. The end being children and oftentimes the financial ties that bind a man once he has children. The majority of relationships with children resemble this comment in that once the children enter the picture the woman stops caring about her boyfriend or husband and focuses on the children and whatever else she is into (anything except her partner). The sex stops, the affection stops, the honey-dos list become unending, fun non-business type conversations disappear, etc. He basically becomes a worker-bee/butler for the most part and is only there to serve the children and his now unattentive woman's needs.
I have seen it myself and heard about it in numerous confessions from men who are "happily married with children" too many times over for it to be a coincidence. This is a behavior very unique to having children. I never seen it in the few child free relationships that I have encountered or heard about. I don't think a woman can take a man for granted as much when the legal and financial ties that children create do not exist. Neither party, man or woman, can bind the other with children in a childfree relationship. I think that leads to a healthier relationship because both participants have to actually like the other person and demonstrate it on a regular basis since the person doesn't have to "stay together for the kids" or "the child support will kill me". Laziness has no place in an intimate relationship and not having children helps reduce the chances of either party becoming lazy or taking the other for granted.
I think it is a topic that a lot of child-free people and men in general never discuss and to me is a huge elephant in the room. The fact that a lot of women enter relationships just to have children and there are a lot of unsuspecting guys on the other end of that who suffer, emotionally, mentally, and financially. The man doesn't really matter other than if he meets a profile good enough to her standards to have a child with. He is replaceable and unimportant. He only needs to feel special or loved up to the point that the baby pops out (sometimes not even that long). Once the baby is there he is stuck and you can ignore him.
Does a woman really love you if she would leave you because you won't have kids? A person who doesn't even exist is more important and more loved and desired than you who is right there with her right now, going through life's ups and downs with her? That is a very offensive notion to me and one of the major reasons (the others you cover pretty well) why I will never children. How can I trust someone who would leave me for someone who doesn't even exist. That doesn't sound like someone who is taking our relationship very seriously to me or someone who would have my back when I really need her to. If I am that interchangeable with another guy, she can't possibly be really that into me. I'll pass on that kind of relationship thank you.
I could write a lot more about this and maybe one day I will, but I just wanted to throw this out there as something to discuss since it never is and I think a lot of men with and without children can relate to it.
Thanks for the great blogs and links. Keep it up.
Hated On Mostly
mostly.hated.on(at)gmail(dot)com
After so many years together, she suggested they had reached their limit: "You bring people into your life at certain times. Maybe you have a relationship to have children and you realize that it's fulfilled after that point."
Comments like this and women's general baby rabies behavior that eventually comes to dominate all things in a relationship always make me question whether a woman is really into her partner and really loves him or is he merely a means-to-an-end. The end being children and oftentimes the financial ties that bind a man once he has children. The majority of relationships with children resemble this comment in that once the children enter the picture the woman stops caring about her boyfriend or husband and focuses on the children and whatever else she is into (anything except her partner). The sex stops, the affection stops, the honey-dos list become unending, fun non-business type conversations disappear, etc. He basically becomes a worker-bee/butler for the most part and is only there to serve the children and his now unattentive woman's needs.
I have seen it myself and heard about it in numerous confessions from men who are "happily married with children" too many times over for it to be a coincidence. This is a behavior very unique to having children. I never seen it in the few child free relationships that I have encountered or heard about. I don't think a woman can take a man for granted as much when the legal and financial ties that children create do not exist. Neither party, man or woman, can bind the other with children in a childfree relationship. I think that leads to a healthier relationship because both participants have to actually like the other person and demonstrate it on a regular basis since the person doesn't have to "stay together for the kids" or "the child support will kill me". Laziness has no place in an intimate relationship and not having children helps reduce the chances of either party becoming lazy or taking the other for granted.
I think it is a topic that a lot of child-free people and men in general never discuss and to me is a huge elephant in the room. The fact that a lot of women enter relationships just to have children and there are a lot of unsuspecting guys on the other end of that who suffer, emotionally, mentally, and financially. The man doesn't really matter other than if he meets a profile good enough to her standards to have a child with. He is replaceable and unimportant. He only needs to feel special or loved up to the point that the baby pops out (sometimes not even that long). Once the baby is there he is stuck and you can ignore him.
Does a woman really love you if she would leave you because you won't have kids? A person who doesn't even exist is more important and more loved and desired than you who is right there with her right now, going through life's ups and downs with her? That is a very offensive notion to me and one of the major reasons (the others you cover pretty well) why I will never children. How can I trust someone who would leave me for someone who doesn't even exist. That doesn't sound like someone who is taking our relationship very seriously to me or someone who would have my back when I really need her to. If I am that interchangeable with another guy, she can't possibly be really that into me. I'll pass on that kind of relationship thank you.
I could write a lot more about this and maybe one day I will, but I just wanted to throw this out there as something to discuss since it never is and I think a lot of men with and without children can relate to it.
Thanks for the great blogs and links. Keep it up.
Hated On Mostly
mostly.hated.on(at)gmail(dot)com
Sunday, November 21, 2010
A Man's View - Daniel
My wife and I were married at 23 years old - 12 years ago - and like most newly married couples we just assumed we’d have children one day. At the time we were married we gave ourselves 5 years to enjoy each other’s company and get ourselves established professionally and financially. Like most young couples we found those first few years difficult, as well. We had to adjust to married life and learn how to be good mates for each other. We each had to learn the other’s boundaries and breaking points as well as learn the type of trust that dating only partially provides. I don’t think having a child in these first five years would have been wise – it would have added loads of stress to those early years that many marriages don’t survive and more importantly the child would have suffered as a result. I recommend that any young couple getting married give themselves ample time to settle into the marriage before they decide to have children.
However, after 5 years I felt like we were just starting to get the hang of things. We had dealt with the biggest issues and I recognized we were going to be married for a long time. But we still weren’t ready for a family. We gave ourselves 5 more years. I had periods were I was sure that I did want kids (I actually enjoy children – as long as I can give them back) and periods when I wasn’t. I am more impetuous than my wife and I’d occasionally say, “Let’s just do it!” But it started to dawn on me that maybe she would never be ready. I’d prod her with statements like, “It gets harder to conceive as you get into your 30s...” At the end of another 5 years we had a discussion in which she stated that she just didn’t have the desire to have children. I think if either of us had been adamant about having them we could have convinced the other to acquiesce and we would be parents today. But we remained open-minded and thoughtful about the choice - yes we always saw it as a viable choice. But in the end there was just never a compelling argument for either of us. I immediately felt a sense of relief. We had a decision that we could make short- and long-term plans around. I began to feel like I will, in general, be comfortable financially for my entire adulthood. We’ll likely always have two incomes but never any child related expenses. We may even be able to retire early. I’d never be jealous of my own kids for my wife’s attention and affection. I’ll be able to enjoy the things in my life and not be consumed by the events in my children’s lives. We won’t have to sacrifice our sex life. We’ll have the freedom to travel whenever we’d like and to destinations that inspire us and not a 7 year-old. These were the things that preyed on my mind when contemplating parenthood and they were the weights that were lifted after our firm decision.
Up until the point when we solidified our decision we fielded only occasional questions from our families. Plenty of people wait longer than generations past to marry or have kids so I don’t think anyone thought much about it. After disclosing our decision to our families we were faced with their disappointment. We both come from good homes and supportive parents but it’s obvious that they would like grand-children (my brother, while not married, is also childfree). More important to me was this feeling that I was in unique territory. I knew that procreating is a choice but I had never heard or read anything about other people who had made this lifestyle choice and now I was very interested to hear what other childfree persons’ perspectives were. Do any regret their decision? Did they feel lonely later in life? How did they deal with the loss of friends as they have children and become inaccessible? How do they find like-minded people? How do they deal with the inevitable questions from those without the same perspectives? That’s how I fell into your blog and I feel very glad that I did. It really helped to center me and realize that it’s really not a risky choice. The risky choice is having kids.
I can safely say that a man suffers less judgment from society on this issue. For example, most of my male colleagues and friends have children (in fact all of the married ones and some of the unmarried ones) but they rarely discuss them at length. They may come up in passing but family seems more a matter of intimate detail and frankly I think most men realize that other guys don’t really care what your kid’s GPA is or if it has a propensity toward mechanics. Moreover, many men don’t really care what others think of ourselves so passing judgment is of no consequence - I certainly know I could care less what any individual beyond my family thinks of my choice to not have kids. I try to pass my ambivalence for societal judgment to my wife but she’s more affected by criticism – especially from other women, most notably her mother. On the other hand, no man has ever been critical of my choice nor have I ever sensed any judgment from a male. Several have even expressed envy and one has even confessed a growing resentment for his wife over his feeling that she bullied him into parenthood before he was ready.
In the end, we just realized that we didn’t want children. No noble motives… just the sense to take time to make a well-considered choice, the realization about what was right for us and the courage to disregard societal pressures.
Daniel
However, after 5 years I felt like we were just starting to get the hang of things. We had dealt with the biggest issues and I recognized we were going to be married for a long time. But we still weren’t ready for a family. We gave ourselves 5 more years. I had periods were I was sure that I did want kids (I actually enjoy children – as long as I can give them back) and periods when I wasn’t. I am more impetuous than my wife and I’d occasionally say, “Let’s just do it!” But it started to dawn on me that maybe she would never be ready. I’d prod her with statements like, “It gets harder to conceive as you get into your 30s...” At the end of another 5 years we had a discussion in which she stated that she just didn’t have the desire to have children. I think if either of us had been adamant about having them we could have convinced the other to acquiesce and we would be parents today. But we remained open-minded and thoughtful about the choice - yes we always saw it as a viable choice. But in the end there was just never a compelling argument for either of us. I immediately felt a sense of relief. We had a decision that we could make short- and long-term plans around. I began to feel like I will, in general, be comfortable financially for my entire adulthood. We’ll likely always have two incomes but never any child related expenses. We may even be able to retire early. I’d never be jealous of my own kids for my wife’s attention and affection. I’ll be able to enjoy the things in my life and not be consumed by the events in my children’s lives. We won’t have to sacrifice our sex life. We’ll have the freedom to travel whenever we’d like and to destinations that inspire us and not a 7 year-old. These were the things that preyed on my mind when contemplating parenthood and they were the weights that were lifted after our firm decision.
Up until the point when we solidified our decision we fielded only occasional questions from our families. Plenty of people wait longer than generations past to marry or have kids so I don’t think anyone thought much about it. After disclosing our decision to our families we were faced with their disappointment. We both come from good homes and supportive parents but it’s obvious that they would like grand-children (my brother, while not married, is also childfree). More important to me was this feeling that I was in unique territory. I knew that procreating is a choice but I had never heard or read anything about other people who had made this lifestyle choice and now I was very interested to hear what other childfree persons’ perspectives were. Do any regret their decision? Did they feel lonely later in life? How did they deal with the loss of friends as they have children and become inaccessible? How do they find like-minded people? How do they deal with the inevitable questions from those without the same perspectives? That’s how I fell into your blog and I feel very glad that I did. It really helped to center me and realize that it’s really not a risky choice. The risky choice is having kids.
I can safely say that a man suffers less judgment from society on this issue. For example, most of my male colleagues and friends have children (in fact all of the married ones and some of the unmarried ones) but they rarely discuss them at length. They may come up in passing but family seems more a matter of intimate detail and frankly I think most men realize that other guys don’t really care what your kid’s GPA is or if it has a propensity toward mechanics. Moreover, many men don’t really care what others think of ourselves so passing judgment is of no consequence - I certainly know I could care less what any individual beyond my family thinks of my choice to not have kids. I try to pass my ambivalence for societal judgment to my wife but she’s more affected by criticism – especially from other women, most notably her mother. On the other hand, no man has ever been critical of my choice nor have I ever sensed any judgment from a male. Several have even expressed envy and one has even confessed a growing resentment for his wife over his feeling that she bullied him into parenthood before he was ready.
In the end, we just realized that we didn’t want children. No noble motives… just the sense to take time to make a well-considered choice, the realization about what was right for us and the courage to disregard societal pressures.
Daniel
Monday, August 16, 2010
A Man's View
To start with, I am married and mentally 100% childfree and my wife, though not completely committed to the viewpoint, is gradually coming to terms with what the reality is like for parents in a modern life. When I look around I see hordes of people everywhere. Traffic jams every day. Long lines in stores. The quality of life seems to be going down by the year. The reason? Expanding population, whether by birth or immigration.
I have several friends who have recently had kids. Who I once knew as energetic and productive people have now settled into an existence of stress-laden parental mediocrity. It is not that the human species is at a risk of getting wiped out, or that bringing new humans into this crowded world is a community service, but it might still be worth it if a kid is brought out of strong desire, raised to be an well-rounded mature adult, not project babies meant to be shown off like labradoodles. Yet I still see smart couples falling for the same old wrong reasons like biological urge, parental and peer pressures, and to make a so-called picture perfect family life. In the old days, kids were a true economic asset. Large families lived together, working on a farm or common business, and children were essential to support and continue the whole infrastructure and eventually take care of aging parents. Now, in the age of urban life and nuclear families, they have suddenly become nothing but a mounting liability. They grow up spoilt by their working parents who try to compensate for the quality time they can't spend with them, and leave the nest as soon as they grow up. It costs a staggering $300k to raise one child from birth till high school. College is altogether a different story of debt and scam. From the viewpoint of a CF man who values his freedom and productivity enormously - what is in it for me? Nothing. Nada. Zero. I have to give up my precious free time, freedom, energy and enough money that could take us both on numerous trips to places we would never otherwise see.
I remember how much sacrifice my parents made. Even though they got their satisfaction because myself and my sister turned out decent enough, I don't see why I even need that emotional reward at all. I can spend time on hobbies and volunteer for good causes and get as much or more pleasures out of them. The fact that smart people like us still become parents without thinking critically saddens me. Why one needs a kid should be a much bigger question than why one doesn't. Parenting is not a default thing. Marriage is nothing other than a monogamous bond, and children are never a part of the deal. Yet the media keeps brainwashing us for their own benefit, for families are the biggest consumers of a myriad of products. It is a vicious cycle and it makes me sick. The true responsible ones are those who stay away from parenting with the smallest doubt in the commitment involved. And those who take it up after thinking hard and preparing for the life changes. It is a popular opinion that men only grow up after becoming parents. What complete hogwash !
TheRider
therider(at)gmail(dot)com
I have several friends who have recently had kids. Who I once knew as energetic and productive people have now settled into an existence of stress-laden parental mediocrity. It is not that the human species is at a risk of getting wiped out, or that bringing new humans into this crowded world is a community service, but it might still be worth it if a kid is brought out of strong desire, raised to be an well-rounded mature adult, not project babies meant to be shown off like labradoodles. Yet I still see smart couples falling for the same old wrong reasons like biological urge, parental and peer pressures, and to make a so-called picture perfect family life. In the old days, kids were a true economic asset. Large families lived together, working on a farm or common business, and children were essential to support and continue the whole infrastructure and eventually take care of aging parents. Now, in the age of urban life and nuclear families, they have suddenly become nothing but a mounting liability. They grow up spoilt by their working parents who try to compensate for the quality time they can't spend with them, and leave the nest as soon as they grow up. It costs a staggering $300k to raise one child from birth till high school. College is altogether a different story of debt and scam. From the viewpoint of a CF man who values his freedom and productivity enormously - what is in it for me? Nothing. Nada. Zero. I have to give up my precious free time, freedom, energy and enough money that could take us both on numerous trips to places we would never otherwise see.
I remember how much sacrifice my parents made. Even though they got their satisfaction because myself and my sister turned out decent enough, I don't see why I even need that emotional reward at all. I can spend time on hobbies and volunteer for good causes and get as much or more pleasures out of them. The fact that smart people like us still become parents without thinking critically saddens me. Why one needs a kid should be a much bigger question than why one doesn't. Parenting is not a default thing. Marriage is nothing other than a monogamous bond, and children are never a part of the deal. Yet the media keeps brainwashing us for their own benefit, for families are the biggest consumers of a myriad of products. It is a vicious cycle and it makes me sick. The true responsible ones are those who stay away from parenting with the smallest doubt in the commitment involved. And those who take it up after thinking hard and preparing for the life changes. It is a popular opinion that men only grow up after becoming parents. What complete hogwash !
TheRider
therider(at)gmail(dot)com
Monday, August 2, 2010
Calling All Guys...
I would like to start a monthly feature on my blog called, A Man's View, featuring the viewpoints of childfree men. It seems like most of the childfree content out there is written by (or about) childfree women, and I'd like to get the men in on the action.
If you are a childfree man and have some relevant viewpoints or thoughts to share that you think would work well on this blog, please contact me at firecracker_mandy(at)yahoo.com. OR, if you are a female reader and you think your boyfriend, hubby or guy friend would be up for the task, please have him email me.
I am especially interested in hearing about the male experience of being childfree, how it impacts friendships and family relationships, the pressures men are under (or not) to have kids, their observations about the lives of their friends and family members who have kids, what makes the childfree male experience unique, or any other interesting perspective on male childfreedom.
Submissions can be anonymous or attributed to the writer if preferred.
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