No Wrinkles

Yesterday at work we had a pizza party baby shower for one of the pregnant co-workers I told you about in a previous post. So as I was eating pizza and making idle chit chat with 2 women who were sitting near me (both in their early 50's I would guess and both moms), one of them asked me the inevitable "children" question. It's funny....whenever the "children" question inevitably comes up when women are getting to know each other, the tone of the question makes it clear that what they really want to know is how old my kids are and what gender. In their wildest imaginings they never even consider that I might not have or want kids.

Over the years I have tried different responses to the "children" question and I have found that my favorite way to answer the question of whether I have kids is to reply, "yes, I have 3 boys" and then when they get all excited (as women always do), I quickly add, "cats". That always throws them off for a second and then makes them laugh and diffuses any potential discomfort they might feel in the face of a woman who dares to pass on motherhood.

One of the women, Maria, immediately asked, "so you're not married?" which struck me as both funny and a sad statement at the same time. "Oh yes, I'm married", I replied, " we just have chosen not to have kids." The other woman, Lauren's immediate reaction was "No WONDER you have no wrinkles!" It quickly became clear to me that Lauren was very interested in my choice and wanted to know more. As I told them more about our decision, our lifestyle and our perspectives on parenthood, I could see that Maria was looking at me with a bit of suspicion and Lauren seemed star-struck, nodding her head approvingly at everything I said and asking lots of follow-up questions.

As much as women are thrown for a loop when encountering a voluntarily childless woman, I must admit that I am equally thrown for a loop when I meet women who are mothers who enthusiastically respect and admire me for the lifestyle I have chosen. I'm always ready at a split second to get out the psychological armor to protect myself from the pity, the scorn and the judgement that inevitably comes when people learn of my lifestyle, so it is disarming to meet mothers who not only do not judge me harshly, but respect and admire me.

"That's Just What You Did"

Not long ago I was on television talking about being childfree. It happened last minute when someone I work with (who schedules these quicky human interest "news" stories all the time) begged me because they were doing a spot on married couples who choose not to have kids and they needed one of those ever-so-difficult-to-locate childfree types. Despite the fact that I looked like hell that day, was wearing unflattering colors and was completely and totally unprepared and caught off guard, I reluctantly agreed to do the spot, convincing myself of the importance of being an advocate for the severely-marginalized childfree lifestyle. Although I cringed to see how horrible I looked, I admit it turned out pretty well in the end (I was relieved that they used the 2 articulate sentences from my interview with them).

Anyway, a week or so later, I decided to go out for a couple slices of pizza at my favorite pizza place across the street from my office. I have pizza there at least once every couple weeks - it's gooooooood ~ heavy on the cheese and grease. Immediately, the owner came running over and excitedly asked (in her adorable Greek accent), "are you on television?!!???" Now, I get this question a lot because I happen to look like a pretty well-known celebrity, and I had forgotten about the childfree "news" spot so I was all ready to give her my usual reply that "no, I know I look like so-and-so, but I am not her. I wish I had her money, though." But then, I realized she was talking about the childfree spot.

She had this star-struck look on her face, as though by nature of my being on this low-budget local news spot, I was some kind of celebrity (which made me chuckle to myself) and she inquisitively began asking me questions about choosing not to have kids. After I explained how hubby and I came about our decision and why we love the childfree lifestyle, she nodded approvingly and then said a line that I have often heard from people with kids, "I never even considered not having kids because when I got married, that's just what you did."

That's just what you did - implying that things are somehow different now - that things have changed since the era when she had kids and when I became of child-rearing age. Well, people, let me state with no uncertainty that nothing has changed. Having kids is still just what you do. It's always been just what you do. It will probably always continue to be just what you do. As has been the case throughout humankind's history on earth, people put as much thought into having kids as they do into mindless eating, breathing and screwing.

Just like my friend at the pizza parlor, I was brought up with the relentless messages that having children is what you do. It's part of life and an essential part of life for women especially. It's not a choice, it's a given. Women are never asked if they will have kids - they are asked when they will have kids and a woman who bravely announces she does not want to have children is looked at like she has two heads.

Growing up, I didn't know one single adult who chose not to have kids. Baby dolls were thrust into my hands repeatedly as gifts, despite the fact that I showed no interest in them (although I loved Barbie and her freespirited adult ways). The only words I ever heard associated with not having kids were words like "infertile", "barren", "sterile" and other negative labels that implied that not having kids was some kind of affliction. I never had a childfree role model. Hell, the word childfree was never even used to describe people without children, at least not in the plastic bubble I lived in, although I have recently learned that the term was coined in the early 1970s. No, like most people, childless was the only word I heard to refer to people without kids; a term pregnant with the connotation of lack.

People like my pizza place friend who lament their "choice" to have kids was made because it's just what you did - are unknowingly robbing childfree folks of the credit we deserve. The pressure we have endured to have children has been just as enormous for us as it was for her. The role models of an alternative childfree lifestyle have been non-existent, just as they were for her. The message of having kids is just what you do has been pounded into our heads our entire lives, just as it was for her.

The difference is that despite the fact that having kids is just what you do, we thought about it and did differently anyway. And for this we deserve some credit. Credit for bucking the trend and thinking for ourselves (despite the inevitable fallout of being misunderstood and labeled as misguided and selfish). Credit for questioning the unthinking belief that something is right and preferable just because it is ordinary and customary. Credit for evaluating childrearing with an objective eye and seeing it for what it is - a little bit of something for a whole lot of strain and sacrifice.

So to those who say we are lucky today because of the choice we have now, I say to you - the choice was always there. You just chose not to think, and not to choose.

Living Life Big

Recently I was chit-catting with another co-worker of mine - a young woman in her early 30s. About a year and a half ago, when I first started working at my job and was getting to know her, the issue of having children came up. When I told her that my husband and I are childfree by choice, she confided that she and her husband were unsure whether they wanted to have kids. Neither of them had a particularly strong parental desire and they were plenty happy with their lives already. At the time, my assessment was that they probably wouldn't have kids.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. My co-worker is now about 5 months pregnant and very much looking forward to being a mom, although she does confess many anxieties about how she will handle having a child and whether she is mom material. Out of curiosity, I asked her what made she and her husband change their minds about having kids, since when I first met her they were on the fence. Her response was, "we just gave it a lot of thought and you know - I realized I'm just a person who has to live life big and have EVERYTHING in life. I always want to have it all!"

My immediate internal reaction (which I did not verbalize for obvious reasons) was "if you want to 'have it all', why would you have kids?" Having kids limits the all you can have, and yet, amazingly 95% of the population has been effectively brainwashed into believing that having kids is part of the "have it all" equation. This fact is a continual source of amazement to me.

An objective assessment of the lives of childfree versus child-encumbered people quickly reveals that unlike childfree folks who can pursue every interest and opportunity in life, child-encumbered people sacrifice almost everything in their lives to "have it all" by having kids. The second they have kids, most of their lives go out the window. As I have lamented before, I can't even get 2 hours with my close friend now that she has children. Dinners out are so rare, I can't even remember the last time we went out to dinner. My friend and her husband no longer take vacations (can't afford now that they have kids), no longer do volunteer work (no time), no longer have dinner parties (too hard to do with kids to take care of), no longer take classes or pursue hobbies, no longer have intellectual discussions, no longer have more than 5 minute phone conversations (and the 5-minute calls they do have are constantly interrupted), no longer do anything other than take care of kids. And this is the have-it-all, live-life-big lifestyle we're all supposed to chase after?

No thanks, I'll pass.