The Lessons of Playing Parent

Our nieces and nephew were over again this past weekend (ages 7, 5, 3 and 4). They came over on Saturday and stayed overnight. We took them home on Sunday afternoon, so basically we had them for a full 24 hours.

As always we had a great time with them. They are just so freaking adorable and we love them so much. I keep wishing time would stand still so they didn't have to grow up because they are just so cute at this age.

Anyway, as you know, whenever we have the kids, we have a great time but at the same time it renews our gratefulness for the life we have chosen. They came over at 3:00 p.m. on Saturday and by dinner time the entire downstairs was in shambles. Their stuff was everywhere, the kitchen was a disaster area (because we had to feed them and had no time to clean up afterwards). I felt like a grasshopper hopping from room to room and from kid to kid and jumping from this thing to that thing. This one needs something to drink. That one is tugging on the other one and needs to be stopped. This one is banging on the electric piano with the volume on high. Then another one (who cannot be outdone) runs over to my guitar and starts banging on that, so I had to quickly go rescue my precious guitar from abuse.

And on and on it went all day.

At one point, hubby took them upstairs to the third floor to play Twister with them, so this gave me a short break. I lied down on the couch and put on the t.v. - an old episode of The Sopranos was on (one of my favorite series) so I watched that for a few minutes. It only took a couple minutes before I felt myself drifting off to sleep. Now on any other weekend, I would do just that, but on this day I realized that no, I cannot go to sleep - the kids will be downstairs in a few minutes so don't bother getting comfortable. And sure enough, it was only a few minutes before they came downstairs like a herd of elephants. Of course, I immediately shut off The Sopranos (way too unsuitable for childrens' eyes) and sprang back into action.

I realized that what sucks most about being a parent is that you must always be ON. You never get time to shut down (except when you go to sleep at night). Your mind must always be hyper alert and at attention. It can't drift. You can't be spontaneous and do things on a whim. Everything must be controlled and organized all the time. You must always be in reaction mode - observant and on your toes. You are not really present in yourself - you exist in answer to others and in reaction to their actions. You are a handservant. There's no daydreaming, no wandering thoughts, no introspection, no napping or lounging, no just being. I barely had any meaningful conversation with hubby the entire time the kids were over. After 24 hours with the kids, I can feel myself getting resentful about not having these things that I so take for granted. I resent the indigestion I get when I eat with them and can see why my friend has lost so much weight to the point of looking malnurished. I can understand why my sister-in-law is in a miserable mood all the time, and why my brother looks like a beaten dog most of the time. I resent having every bit of energy pulled out of me by these little creatures whose needs seem to be endless and infinite.

I always say to hubby after these forays with the kids - "Thank GOD we made the decision we made. I just can't imagine living this life every single day." A day here and there is fun and novel and exciting. But if I had to live this way every day I would turn into a completely different person (and certainly not a person anyone would want to be around!)

The Joy of Nieces and Nephews

Our nieces and nephew were over last weekend and we had a blast with them. They are 7, 6 and 4 (2 boys and a girl) and we love them to pieces. Every month or two, we take them for a day and plan a fun day with them. This time we had a Christmas-themed day. We baked and decorated gingerbread men. We also watched some animated Christmas shows (the traditional ones like Frosty, Rudolf, the Grinch) and afterwards, took a drive a local garden center that puts up a big animated Christmas display every year and walked through their animated village, which was magical. In the car, we listened to Christmas music and sang along. Then, we headed back to our house and had dinner together. Off in the distance we heard the sound of a firetruck and before we knew it, Santa was driving by our house in a lit-up firetruck handing out candy canes to all the kids. The kids were in their glory and the excitement was infectious. Of course, we made a big deal of the whole thing ("Is there a fire in the neighborhood?" "Doesn't Santa sometimes ride on a firetruck? Could it BE?"), which only got them more revved up.
The entire day was so much fun from beginning to end and it put me completely into the Christmas spirit.

After we dropped them off and were driving home, I was marvelling at how two people who love kids so much want absolutely no part of having their own. People ask us this all the time - "you are SO GOOD with kids! But you don't want any??!!???" And I think I finally came up with an analogy that sheds light on this.

For us, having kids is like going to Manhattan. Hubby and me love taking day trips to Manhattan and always have such a great time. We board a train with our friends and we all sit together and laugh and talk. And the entire time we are in Manhattan we always have such a fun itinerary of things to do. The sights, sounds and excitement are exciting and so stimulating. We are on the go. The noise, the chaos, the frenetic tension of having to stay on your toes and the unpredictability is such a jolt.

It's also incredibly exhausting.

I can honestly say that when the day in Manhattan is over, the sense of relief I feel in arriving home to my quiet suburban home and collapsing into my peaceful bed is indescribable. As great as Manhattan is, for us it would be hell to live there. It's too noisy. It's too chaotic. It's too overwhelming. It's too BIG. It's too man-made. There's too much going on. It's too unpredictable. It's too expensive. There's no quiet. There's no peace. There's no time to just be. Does that mean it's not wonderful? No. It is, but in small doses.

The same goes for kids. I truly believe that one of the main reasons we are so good with kids and what makes our times with them so joyful is that they are novel. Our normally zenlike home home goes from zero to sixty on the chaos scale as soon as they walk in the door. And it zooms right back from sixty to zero the second they leave. We like it when they arrive, and we like it when they go home.

When we are with them, we are laughing and entertaining and hugging and kissing them and chasing them and delighting in them. Our time with them is pure joy. But this joy and excitement exists precisely because we AREN'T parents. Parents may love their kids like nobody's business, but from my perspective, most of them are not really joyful in parenting. They are too jaded and tired. For us, every little thing the kids do and say is amusing, adorable and a revelation about how they are growing and changing. But for parents, the kids' antics are not novel or exciting at all. Most of the time they are too exhausted to play with them - they are too busy caring for them and correcting them to have the time or energy to play with them. Often when they do play with them, they appear to be going through the motions.

For us, storytime is a chance to delight and entertain them. For the parents, storytime is a tool to get them into bed so they can finally have some peace and quiet. From our perspective, there's just a huge imbalance in the cost/benefit analysis.

As an aunt and uncle, we get the absolute best of parenting without the worst. We get the arms around our necks and the I love yous that melt our hearts. We get to watch them jump up and down with excitement upon arriving on our doorstep. We get to share with them, and give to them, teach them and entertain them. We get to experience the excitement of being a child again through their innocent eyes. We get to enjoy the holidays with them. We get to influence them in a meaningful way precisely because we are not their parents. We get to watch them grow and change and learn and we imagine the adults they will grow into.

What we don't get are the endless hours of thankless and endless labor, sacrifice, expense and aggravation that go along with having kids. After a day of love, kisses and fun exhaustion, we can hand them back and save up our energy for next time. And when next time comes, we'll be recharged and ready for them with the same excitement, joy and love that they have grown to expect from us. We do not disappoint!