Honest Father: Cad or Hero?

Thank you to CFVixen for alerting me to this heartfelt and brutally honest article by a married man who resents his kids because they have come between him and his wife.

I have mixed feelings about this article. My first reaction was hurray - a parent who is shattering the parenthood mystique and telling it like it really is!  If more people would put themselves out there and be honest like this, there might not be such a thing as the parenthood mystique because the hard facts would be in everyones' faces, just as much as the fairytale stories of parental bliss that permeate every cell of our culture. He is a brave man - perhaps even a hero.

On the other hand, I want to say to this man: who put a gun to your head and made you have kids? The comments posted to his article are harsh - many unnecessarily so (come on - is it really necessary to make fun of the man's appearance for crying out loud?) but I do agree with the general sentiment that he is a bit of a whiner. After all, he chose the life of parent. He went along with his wife's desire to have more children, even though things were fine with having only one stepdaughter. He even admitted that producing children boosted his masculine ego, yet now he bellyaches that he no longer gets attention from his wife.

What did he expect having children would do to his marriage? Did he really expect that he would still be number one to his wife once kids came along? Is his wife really different than any other married woman with kids? Did he really expect the romantic dinners, long talks, day trips and intimate evenings with his wife would continue once kids came along? If so, why would he think that? Does he not have friends or family members with children? How is it possible to observe other couples with children and not see how they suck the life out of a marriage?

His cutting and honest article lays bare many of the important reasons the childfree make the choice not to have kids. We don't want to end up like this man with the sad eyes - emotionally abandoned, going through the motions in a passionless marriage and just getting by in life, counting the days until our burdensome spawn fly the coop. We don't want to be downgraded from number one in our spouse's life to number two (or three or four). We want to make our partner the top priority in our lives, not the lowly creature who gets thrown the scraps of whatever attention and energy we might have left at the end of our overwhelming and draining day. We want to relish in adventures, explorations and joyful, romantic experiences now while we have the youth, energy and income to fully enjoy them, and not have to delay until retirement because we are tied down by an 18-25 year long commitment that sucks us dry.

To this sad man I regretfully say: you made your bed and now you must lie in it. If you wanted to be the apple of your wife's eye and wanted your freespirited, romantic and joyful relationship to continue undisturbed into old age, you shouldn't have had kids. Now that you have kids, they take top priority. That's just the way it is, and that's why a growing number of us think very carefully and make the important choice not to have them.

One more thing: while I respect your honesty and am grateful that in the big picture you are aiding in dispelling the myth of parental bliss, in the smaller picture I feel sad for your wife and kids who undoubtedly will suffer for your cutting honesty. After all, the internet is forever.

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The Problem Partner

Recently I was having lunch with a friend who is a psychologist. We got to talking about what we've been up to and I told her I was just finishing up my masters thesis. Of course, she asked me what it was about and I explained that it was about pronatalism and how our culture's message to women that they must have children in order to live happy and fulfilled lives is in conflict with the reality that most childfree women are very happy.

She told me that in the past week alone she's had 2 sets of couples (clients) dealing with the problem of whether or not to have children. In one case, the couple simply hadn't discussed the issue of children prior to getting married (something that never fails to amaze me), although the wife was pretty clear she had no interest in having children. So they got married and I guess the husband figured he'd talk her into it, or she'd "come around" and change her mind once they got married. Not. So here they are at couples therapy trying to come to some resolution.

The second couple, my friend told me, had both agreed (prior to marrying) they did not want to have children. They made a firm agreement on this important matter. Once they got married, though, the wife began to have seconds thoughts, and her second thoughts turned into a full-blown ticking time bomb, I mean, clock.

My friend then described to me her session with this couple and how she spent a good part of the session exploring the husband's reasons for not wanting children. She told me that the husband didn't seem able to articulate any specific reasons for not wanting children - he just doesn't want them.

So my question to my psychologist friend was, "so, what were the woman's reasons for wanting children?" Dead silence. It was clear she hadn't asked that question and it didn't even occur to her to ask the question. I found this interesting, especially since it was the woman's change of mind that was causing the problem in the relationship. After an awkward pause, my friend replied that they never got around to that question as the session came to an end, but it was clear from her awkwardness that she just didn't consider that the woman's change of heart and sudden desire to have children was something that should be explored.

And herein lies the problem. The partner who does not want children is addressed as the troubled person, even though it is the other partner who is attempting to reneg on the couple's agreement and is causing the problem in the relationship. Always the choice to not have children is seen as disordered - never the choice to have children, even though it is clear that bringing children into a relationship where one of the partners does not want children, is a recipe for disaster.

Kids' Impact on a Marriage - Right from the Mothers' Mouths

On a discussion board for women that I frequent (not related to the childfree issue), someone posted a poll. The question was "Are you happy in your marriage?" In addition to voting in the poll, some women posted comments too. Here are a few that I thought would be interesting to post here.

"We're in the empty nest phase and our marriage has become better than before, life is easier now... so much less complex.... compared to when we were raising children. Having young children was the hardest time. "

"I don't miss being single, though with an 11-month old, I do sometimes miss not being a mom! I love my baby, but arranging childcare is such a pain."

"Although I am happy in my marriage, it's not perfect. Most of our problems and stresses come from our three little kids. I love them with all my heart, but having small kids puts a lot of strain on a marriage, IMO. I think the only thing that keeps us from being blissfully happy together is having such minimal amount of time because of work and kids to do things together that we would like to do. My DH is a great husband, but it's been stressful on us lately with life being so hectic."

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