Parental Delusion: Throwing Good Money After Bad

Thank you to my reader Zarina, who forwarded me a link to an interesting article in Healthland (Time) entitled Kid Crazy: Why we Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood, by John Cloud. Cloud discusses new research published in the journal Psychological Science which found that parents - faced with the draining financial and emotional expense of raising children - convince/delude themselves that parenthood is rewarding. It's a coping mechanism designed to alleviate the cognitive dissonance they experience when their negative experience of child-raising butts up against the over-glorified myths of parental bliss that permeate our culture.

My readers know I have been making the same argument all along - that the Stepford Wives mantra of "parenthood is the most fulfilling role in life and the root of true happiness" is nothing more than parents trying to make themselves feel better because they know, deep inside, they are faced with a lifelong prison sentence for which there is no escape (see my posts The Bitch & Backpedal; Beneath the Surface: A Two-Pronged Theory and Having a Child is So Worth It! - which officially make me a broken record on the issue). And now scientific research is bearing me out. I love when that happens :)

Although it doesn't surprise me that parents continue to delude themselves this way - after all, they have to ease their psychological pain somehow - I continue to be fascinated by the fact that more people don't recognize the drudgery that is parenthood and avoid it at all costs. Why are people so ready and willing to buy into the parenthood myth when their own observations about the reality of parenthood should tell them to run for the hills? All of us were children at some point and from that vantage point, had a direct view of how happy (or unhappy) our parents were. And then as we mature and become adults, parents surround us everywhere - our friends and family members start having kids and our view of what parenthood is expanded even further. We can see very clearly that parenthood is 98% stress, strain and drudgery and yet 90% of the population chooses to believe the "parenthood is the root of ultimate fulfillment and happiness" myth instead of believing what they see before their very eyes.

Now THIS would be an interesting area for scientific research.

Life in Full Bloom

A couple weeks ago, hubby and me went to a free preview of the film I Love You, Man. This was a cute comedy about male friendship - funny and entertaining - a good renter, but I wouldn't pay $20 to see it in the theater (actually, there are few films I am willing to pay $20 to see).

Anyway, in one scene, one of the main characters makes an interesting comment. He is feeling badly about himself for being what he considers a loser and says something to the effect of, "most people at my age are married and have kids and look at me".

It strikes me as curious that people equate marriage and children with success.

As you know, I am happily married and childfree. I also consider myself a successful person, as far as living a pretty happy and fulfilling life. Yet, I do not consider myself a success because I am married, nor do I consider marriage a necessary component of a successful life, although my particular marriage is a very big component of the happiness and fulfilment in my life. I am married because I happened to find a wonderful and compatible man with whom I want to spend the rest of my life in a committed relationship. Had I not, I am fairly confident I would have had a happy and fulfilling life as a single woman. Would my life have been as happy as my current life is? I guess we'll never know, but I can tell you I certainly wouldn't have married any old guy just so I could feel I met some adult success requirement.

I also do not consider myself an unsuccessful person because I do not have children. What does it say about our society that children are used as status symbols and tools measuring adult success? Is this their purpose - to make us feel accomplished? (Don't get me started. You know how I feel about childbearing being touted as an accomplishment). People are often touted as having it all if they have a spouse and children, yet there are so many unhappily married people and also so many unhappy parents. Is this the all that everyone is so desperate to have?

This subject brings back to mind a comment one of my brothers made to me back when his girlfriend was expecting their first child. He said he really wanted to have a kid because "when you look at life, what else is there, really?" and he looked at me as if he expected me to agree with this. The sadness I felt for him at that moment was palpable. How unsatisfying must his life be that he looks to fatherhood as his life's one salvation - the only worthwhile endeavor that will save him from a completely meaningless life? What a huge burden to put on a child.

I didn't respond to his question - I figured my feelings on the matter wouldn't be at all helpful to him. What else is there in life? There is so much in life that my biggest worry is about time going by too quickly - before I've had a chance to experience it all...enjoy it all...explore it all...learn it all. Life is such a wonderous adventure, like an intricate flower with so many unfolding petals, each one more beautiful than the next.

It's interesting when you think about it. My brother chose to have a child because he perceives there is nothing else worthwhile in life, and I chose not to have children because I feel there is so much worthwhile in life that having a child would keep me from.

We obviously have very different perspectives on life.

Happiness & Parenthood: An Expert's View

From the Sydney Morning Herald:

Parenthood doesn't lead to joy: expert

May 8, 2008 -

Marriage will make you happy, and money won't hurt. But if you're seeking joy in your life it's probably best not to have children, a Harvard academic has told a Sydney conference.

The troika of experiences is conventionally considered to be the cornerstone of happiness, but such thinking does not stand up to scientific scrutiny, Harvard University psychology professor Daniel Gilbert says. According to the scientific and economic research, only marriage proved to be a constant source of joy. "Figures show that married people are in almost every way happier than unmarried people -whether they are single, divorced, cohabiting," he told the Happiness and its Causes conference at Darling Harbour. "Married people live longer, married people earn more money per capita, married people have more sex and enjoy it more. "Married people seem to be happier on every dimension that you can imagine."

Money, he said, could buy you happiness - just not as much happiness as people think. "Money buys you a lot of happiness first and then it buys you less and less - every dollar buys you less happiness as the dollar before, and you reach a point where money is doing almost nothing for your happiness," he said. "But it's never the case that more money makes you sadder. If you get millions and millions you never get depressed about it."

The happiness people gained from money was only relative, he said. Having money only makes a difference if we have more money than the next person. "If all of us double our income tomorrow we might as well have not have had an increase in income at all," he said.

Professor Gilbert left the sacred cow of parenthood for last, saying that despite the belief children were the apples of our eyes, they actually had a negative impact on happiness. The more kids you have, the sadder you are likely to be, he said. US and European studies over the past 10 to 15 years showed people's happiness did spike while they were expecting a baby, but it sharply plummeted after the child was born.

The nadir of people's happiness came when children reached the ages of 12-16, and only recovered when they had flown the coop, he said. "In reality ... children do seem to increase happiness as long as you're expecting them, but as soon as you have them, trouble sets in," he said. "People are extremely happy before they have children and then their happiness goes down, and it takes another big hit when kids reach adolescence.

"When does it come back to it's original baseline? Oh, about the time the children grow up and go away."

Explaining why the statistics conflicted with most people's view of parenthood, Prof Gilbert made the unusual comparison to buying a pair of Armani socks. "When people own Armani socks they can't stop telling you they are the best socks, the most amazing socks," he said. "(But) I suspect that one of the reasons that people who own Armani socks think they are wonderful is because they have paid $US85 ($A90.30) for a pair.

"The psychologists tell us that we like things more when we pay for them - what does that sound like? It sounds like children. "We pay for them in time, attention, blood, sweat and tears - what kind of idiots would we be to devote all of that to the rearing of our young if they'd didn't bring us some happiness?"

The fact that parenthood crowds out all other things in life could explain why we consider children as our greatest source of joy, he said. "Parents tell me all the time that: 'My child is my greatest source of joy'," he said. "My reply is that: 'Yes, when you have one source of joy, it's bound to be your greatest'.

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Interesting post-script to this article: Dr. Gilbert is a parent.