More Maternal Self-Congratulation

I always get a kick out of the articles that pop up on the internet about how moms are all that and a bag of chips.  The most recent specimen was forwarded to me by Trista (thank you!).  It's an article that appeared on Shine called 5 Reasons Moms Returning to Work Make the Best Employees.   Betcha can't read it without giggling a bit.  Here are the 5 Reasons, followed by my response to each (in red).

Professionalism:

She will not distract your clients from the business at hand by showing her cleavage, tattoos, body piercings, flip flops, by flipping her hair, or saying 'UM' or 'LIKE…'

That's correct - she won't distract the clients because she won't be there to distract them.  She'll be running late to work, leaving work early, taking extra time off to deal with sick kids, school plays, parent/teacher conferences, calls from her kids' school, and dealing with her own illnesses (that she caught from said kids) while she dumps her work on her childfree coworkers who WILL be there to deal professionally with the clients.  Yes, that's right.  Professionally.  As in - we know how to dress.  We know how to speak.  We don't wear flip flops to the office or walk around with our boobies hanging out.  Sorry to burst your bubble but Childfree Woman does not equal Snookie.

Schedule Coordination:

You will never meet a professional better equipped to manage multiple schedules than a Mom. Conflicting sports and activities, travel schedules along with the huge amounts of paperwork associated with each, make them pros at this. As a matter of fact, they are so adept at this that they know how to face complete chaos in a calm and professional manner.

Problem is, Mom is juggling so many conflicting schedules and so much chaos, she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown and piling just one more conflicting schedule onto her will be the straw that breaks the camel's back and gets her carted off to the loony bin.  It is precisely the multiple, conflicting schedules that make Mom an absentee employee as mentioned above under Professionalism.  The childfree worker, on the other hand, is better able to think clearly, with an uncluttered and calm mind, a full night's rest and a laser beam focus devoted to the tasks at hand.

Organizational Ability:


None of the above happens without keen planning. Uniforms must be washed; bags must be packed- water bottles, completed homework, snacks and sunscreen, permission slips and bathing, including checking/ clipping 20 finger/toenails per person must happen in advance.


If one detail is missed, the entire schedule can fall apart and they will be called on the carpet- either by a disappointed child (much more painful than a disapproving boss), or by a school and/or coach (too embarrassing to mention). The level of accountability far surpasses any business environment I have ever worked in, which includes Fortune 100 companies.

See Schedule Coordination above.

Loyalty:


If any one demographic knows and understands the importance of loyalty and giving back, this is it. These women know how to appreciate a job and flexibility. As an employer, if you can offer what this employee needs, you will get it back four-fold. They will treat your business as though it is theirs. And they will tell all their friends about you- so you see? Free marketing built right in!

Moms aren't the only employees who appreciate a job with flexibility.  Childfree folks appreciate flexibility too - to care for our partners, family members, friends and companion animals, to participate in the many pursuits and activities we enjoy outside of work.  And since we are devoted friends, family members, spouses, employees and members of the community, we understand just as well as Moms the importance of loyalty and giving back.  And when we are treated well, we spread the word too!

People Management:


Anyone who has ever managed people knows that one of the most difficult groups to manage has to be volunteers. The variety of personalities and agendas among people who are not being paid and are emotionally involved could drive a person nuts. The volunteer leader's intuitive ability to see all sides and maintain harmony within a group like this is definitely worthy of international acclaim. And, they know how to manage their own demographic, in addition to understanding how the minds of the Millennials and Gen Y-s tick!

I'm lost.  Volunteers?  Volunteer management?  Is she saying that children are like volunteers and Mom is a volunteer manager?  What volunteer work are children doing, exactly?  What greater good are they serving?  And how does Mom's caretaking of them have anything to do with volunteer management?

I think the author may be trying to make the case that moms have more people management skills than non-parents.  If so, I beg to differ.  Moms might excel at baby talk, shuffling children in and out of time-out, breaking up fist fights and gossiping with other soccer moms, but sophisticated people management skills come from working with diverse groups of people in and out of the workplace - people from different age groups, socio-economic backgrounds, political and religious affiliations, and professional and educational backgrounds.  This is best obtained by being fully engaged in the world as the childfree are, as opposed to existing in an insular bubble where one's interactions are limited to children and the neighborhood coffee klatch.

Get to Work, You Hungover Hedonist!

If you're a childfree person and have had the pleasure of reading my Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids (and Remain Childfree), hopefully you've found much validation and vindication in that list. Everyone blabs on and on about why you should have kids, right? Well MY list blabs on and on about why you shouldn't have kids and why you should keep your life just as it is. Let me tell you my friends, as long as that list is, it took me all of about 30 minutes to create. One after another, the reasons to be childfree just tumbled out of me at such a speed that my fingers on the keyboard couldn't keep pace with my thoughts. I got to about number 85 before I even paused.

All of the reasons on that list are true and valid, but some are more clear cut black-and-white than others. For example number 94: "Your boss will appreciate having a reliable employee who works her full hours, calls out sick only rarely, can work overtime if needed, and take on special projects. You might even get a raise, or get promoted."

As a childfree employee, this benefit has been my direct experience many times over. My bosses have always appreciated my reliability and dedication to my job, my promptness, my energy, focus and flexibility to do what it takes to get the job done - even if that means coming in early, staying late or adjusting my schedule in other ways. My work ethic has led to several promotions over the years and now I am a boss. There is no doubt my quality as an employee is directly tied to my childfree lifestyle. Whereas my childed co-workers (and now that I am a boss, my staff) are calling out constantly - either because their kids are sick, or because they have once again caught an illness from their kid, leaving early because of this problem, that crisis, this doctor's appointment, that phone call from the child's school, flitting around the office with stacks of baby pictures wasting everyone's time with boring, long-winded baby stories, I am steadfastly stationed at my desk, taking care of business and getting the job done. While the moms in the office are taking 3 months off for maternity leave, leaving everyone high and dry, and then returning to work (unwillingly, only because they have to) with bags under their eyes and with half the work ethic, energy, focus and attention span they had before, I am reliably here, every work day with the same consistent focus and work ethic I've always had.

Well, apparently there is a vocal mom who takes the complete opposite viewpoint about childfree employees. CF Vixen, with the comment, "You HAVE to blog on this one - this woman is insane!", forwarded me an article by a person named Carol Sarler entitled Why Bosses are Right to Distrust Women who Don't Want Children who takes the viewpoint that childfree working women are self-centered, time-wasting slugs. A warning before you read this: be prepared for your head to explode.

Among other things, this mother asserts that:

1. Women who opt not to have children are weird, cold, calculating, sad and mad.

2. Childfree women are "single-track careerists" who lack "an essential humanity" and accordingly are refused jobs and denied promotions.

3. Mothers are great workers who bring something extra to the job. They are so adept at multi-tasking from all those superhuman feats they accomplish at home, like cooking, dressing and caring for their kids, this makes them extra competent, able and responsible on the job. By contrast, childfree people are staying out late at night (you know, leading that hedonistic, partying lifestyle we are all known to lead) and coming into work late with hangovers.

4. Working mothers who miss time from work RARELY fail to make up the time.

5. While childfree women employees are busy "competing for the attentions of the male executives", conducting office "bitch-fests" and hanging around the office wasting time, the tireless and saintly worker bee mothers are busy doing actual work so that they can keep shoes on their poor children's feet (as opposed to the selfish childfree women who only have to worry about putting shoes on their own feet).

6. Working moms - simply by nature of being mothers - are (here we go again) selfless, compassionate, generous, committed, loyal and hard workers (implying, of course, that childfree women are not) and what employer doesn't want those traits in an employee!?

7. Children make a woman complete and women who choose not to have them should be pitied for their weirdness.

8. Hurray for the employers who have finally caught on to the truth of what wonderful workers moms are and what self-centered, lazy slogs childfree workers are!

Readers, let the comments commence.