Just Say No

Right now I am sitting in my office biting my tongue because a bunch of women are carrying on in Manic Maternal Mode in the hallway outside my office, trying to convince a young "on the fence" co-worker that motherhood is her destiny.

The young woman in question, Cindy, who is 29 years old, has been fairly open with all of us that she's not sure she ever wants to have kids. I've had personal conversations with her about the issue (she knows I am childfree by choice) and my assessment is that she really doesn't want kids, but is afraid to commit to that stance because everyone tells her she will change her mind, she's supposed to want to have kids, eventually the biological clock will start ticking, she may eventually regret it if she doesn't have kids, her Jewish (and very family-oriented) parents would be really disappointed in her, and all the other hundreds of reasons that have to do with outside pressures and very little to do with the desires of the person herself. It makes me wonder what percentage of people walking on this earth were born of parents who actually wanted to have them, versus popped them out because they caved in to societal and family pressure.

Cindy just became an aunt and returned to work today after taking a couple of days off to be with her brother and family. Her brother's wife gave birth 2 days ago and Cindy is just swooning over the new baby. I overheard her tell the Manic Maternals, "there's just something about this baby. When I held her, I swear - I felt my biological clock start ticking". And that was all they needed to hear. Immediately, the other hens began to cluck - "Seee! We told you it would happen. It just happens on its own. You can't help it. You pick up that baby and your heart melts. It's completely natural. Ah, the smell of a baby! I swear, when I pick up a baby and breathe in the smell, it is intoxicating and almost puts me to sleep." I mean, these hens were really laying it on thick - doing everything in their power to recruit Cindy into the Mommy Brigade.

You are probably wondering why old Firecracker Mandy, the Champion of Childfreedom, didn't jump in and set the hens straight? Well, believe me I considered it. But Cindy already knows my stance, as does everyone else in the office. I make no secret about being happily childfree and have spoken very directly with Cindy about dealing with outside pressures. In fact, just a week or two ago I gave her the exact same speech I posted here - that her life is hers to live and nobody else's, that nobody else knows what is best for her or what will make her life the most happy or fulfilling, that it's far better to be true to yourself and live the life you really want to live then to compromise yourself just to conform and be accepted - the whole nine yards. I even forwarded her some articles about how having children negatively impacts peoples' happiness and marriages. I decided that bursting in on the hens like an erupting thunder cloud at the very moment Cindy was expressing her adoration for her new niece would probably be counterproductive so I left them alone.

What I would have liked to have said to Cindy and the hens is that having those feelings of maternal bliss when holding a baby doesn't necessitate becoming a parent or indicate that a woman is destined to be a mommy. I can speak to this first-hand as I too have had those feelings, and still do from time to time, when a family member or friend has a baby. I feel that warm rush of maternal love flood over me when I hold a baby against me. I love to put my nose against his fuzzy head and breathe in the warm sweetness. I love to kiss and cuddle a baby and stroke his rose petal cheeks. It's okay. I can savor that moment and enjoy it for what it is, while still keeping my wits about me and retaining the full comprehension of just what lies beneath the veneer of baby cuteness: a life sentence of unending sacrifice, strain, struggle, worry and responsibility. For the average woman, though, there is something about a cooing baby that completely precludes her from having a rational comprehension of motherhood. She is only capable of living in that present moment of maternal ecstacy, like an addict who has just injected herself, instantly putting every rational thought completely out of mind.

Whether fleeting infant cuteness is a siren song, an addictive drug or something else altogether, it has powers that seem to render most women completely defenseless. It's only the strongest and most discerning among us that can Just. Say. No.

Babies Aren't Cute Forever

Here's the thing about babies. They are damned cute. I know not everyone feels this way. In fact, I have heard a lot of childfree people say they have never found babies cute. Many even find them repulsive. I am not one of those people. I guess in this way, I am a typical female. With very few exceptions, I find babies adorable. I love their fat cheeks and their rose petal skin. I love the way it feels to hold a baby in my arms, and a baby's innocent eyes and smile can melt my heart. I love to observe how they change and develop and it's fun to witness them discover things for the first time. They remind me of puppy dogs.

Are you surprised to hear these things from me, Firecracker Mandy, Spokeswoman for Childfreedom?

Don't be. Here's the thing. A person can find babies adorable, love to touch and hold them, enjoy other peoples' babies to the hilt and yet have not a single inkling of desire to have one of her own, and here is why. Unlike most women who lose all sense of reality and perspective when their heartstrings get pulled by the siren song of Rose Petal Cheeks, I am keenly aware that the cute baby phase is fleeting and lasts only a couple of years before the adorable bundle of joy turns into an awkward, annoying kid, a surly teen and often, a troubled adult.

I see the evidence of this all around me. Take our next door neighbors, Len and Clarissa. These poor people are ready to jump off a cliff thanks to their troubled 18 year old daughter. It seems like every week there is some drama going on at their house. We've witnessed full blown screaming matches between them and their daughter. We even witnessed Len smashing a bat through their daughter's car window in a fit of rage and frustration.

Last year, while they were away on vacation, their lovely daughter had a drinking party at their house, a fight broke out and one of the kids threw a cinder block through 2 of their windows to the tune of $2,000. Last night, my hubby was out doing yard work and Len came over to chat and told him the latest about his lovely daughter. He and Clarissa have discovered she has been stealing money from them and after reviewing her cell phone bills, and seeing that most of the calls were to slum ghetto areas, they deduced she is into drugs. So they did something they have never done before. They went into her bedroom and snooped around and guess what they found? A crack pipe. After years of countless episodes, they are finally going to throw her out of the house.

This is only the tip of the iceberg. It seems Len is constantly updating my hubby every time he sees him with awful stories of how their daughter is ruining their life (as well as hers). One time, I ran into them in Macy's and we stood and talked for about 20 minutes. The entire conversation was them bitching about their horrible daughter. These are nice, clean cut middle class people whose worst offense has probably been being too permissive as parents. And look what they got.

But I bet she was a really cute baby.

Last night, we were checking out a rental property (we're selling our house and downsizing). The landlord met us there to show us the property. When we entered, the place was a mess and she was packing up stuff in boxes. She told us her son had been living there. So I asked why she was packing his stuff instead of him. "He moved to Florida". Okay, so he left all the packing for his mom. Nice. During the course of my discussion with her, I told her several reasons we would be good tenants, one of which was the fact that we have no kids to destroy the place. "No kids? You are LUCKY." Putting aside the fact that luck had nothing to do with our being childfree, it was clear that she was conveying she regretted having kids.

I bet her son too was a really cute baby.

This morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, I heard the news that the Craigslist killer, Phillip Markoff, committed suicide in his jail cell, after scrawling a bloody message on his cell wall. Looking at the footage of him on the t.v., I thought to myself - I bet his parents never expected him to grow up to become a murderer. By all accounts, he was a clean cut, preppy medical student, had a beautiful, intelligent fiance and was planning his wedding. On the side, though, he was leading a secret life of perverse sexual escapades via Craigslist and killed one of the women he had a liaison with.

I bet he was also a cute baby.

I realize not all babies grow up to be crack users or Craigslist murderers, but let's face it. There are a lot of troubled people in this world and most of them were at one time cute, cuddly babies. Even normal, well-adjusted people like myself cause their parents unending grief. I was an A student, high-achieving, fairly goody-two-shoes kid and teen (no drugs or drinking), but between my teen years to the present (mostly due to personality conflicts) my mom and I have had more estrangements and fall-outs than I can count. Our relationship is an unending cycle of a year or two of peace, followed by a year or two of strife. The last fallout resulted in an estrangement of over a year and a half.

(And in case you are wondering - yes, I too was a cute baby.)