Dear Mandy...

Dear Mandy,

I wanted to let you know that I just stumbled on your blog and I love it! I am another woman who has no emotional or physical desire to have children. I am so glad I found your blog because it and the comments left there make me feel like I'm not a weirdo, cold, selfish, bitch like I thought. It has made me realize that I'm not the only woman who feels like this and it has given me the strength and peace of mind to continue with the decision I've (we've) made that I know is best for me and my fiance. It has made me realize that the reasons that I did want to have kids were selfish ones and I was only justifying and reinforcing these reasons to make myself feel like there really is a reason to have kids if you don't have a maternal instinct.

People have said so many crazy things to me, some of which are all too familar to you. I wanted to share one incident with you that is particularly irritating to me and still bothers me to this day.

My fiance has a chronic illness and due to this he is not able to work anymore and receives disability (one reason we are CF). We have been together for several years and I have stuck by his side through everything. I waited so long for him to be able to give me the wedding and engagement that I have always dreamed of. When this finally happened I was beside myself with excitement and couldn't wait to share with my family. We decided to tell my parents personally and also decided to announce it at an upcoming family gathering.

While most of my family was excited for me, congratulated us, and ooohed and ahhed over my ring, one person in particular managed to ruin it for me. This person was one of my relatives, who, when I was younger I always felt understood me and I thought she would be the most excited for me besides my parents. Lately though I had been a target of her 'baby propaganda' and I should have known better than to sit with her and chat with me alone. We discussed the arrangements we had so far, she managed to offend me twice in this conversation first suggesting that I change the date of my wedding since she would be out of town and in the next sentence asked me the dreaded baby question to which I replied that we weren't that interested and it wasn't something we had planned on doing.

Instead of just saying okay she told me, "Well, it's not something you think about, you just do it." I can't even believe this type of reasoning! I was so upset that I didn't show anyone else my ring and didn't talk about it with anyone else that day. I was so hurt and offended that she didn't even care about me or my plans that she just wanted someone ANYONE to pop out a baby so SHE could enjoy it! This isn't the first time she's cornered me at family functions trying to get me on the 'baby bandwagon' using such other phrases such as, 'it's not something you can plan' (managed to make to 30 without getting knocked up, so I disagree), it's not that hard (uh, don't I recall you trying to give us away to strangers?), it's different when it's your child, it's my responsibility to give my niece a cousin, among other equally annoying things.

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to share my story and connect with someone who shares my views. Please feel free to share my email on your blog.

Thank you!

L.
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Dear L,

It can be very painful when people dismiss and invalidate our choice to be childfree. How would your relative feel if you made a similarly dismissive comment to her after she announced she was pregnant? Such rudeness and insensitivity to a mom would never be tolerated, yet we childfree are expected to sit quietly and turn the other cheek when we are accosted, insulted and talked to like we are misguided idiots.

I've thought about the best way to respond to people like this and I have a couple ideas. Perhaps other readers can also chime in and together we can collectively come up with ways to combat the problem of people being disrespectful, invalidating and hurtful to the childfree.

The first idea I have, which I think would be highly effective (but it would require some serious acting chops) is to bust out laughing at the person when they make a stupid comment such as your relative's. "You didn't THINK about having kids or PLAN it!??? What are you out of your MIND!????" and continue busting out laughing like it is the funniest thing you ever heard. In fact, double over. Fall to the floor clutching your stomach to really drive the point home. After all, while your relative was trying to make you feel like an idiot, the truth is that anyone who commits to the monumental, life altering, burdensome, irreversible undertaking of parenthood without thought or planning is an idiot of the highest order, and if you really think about, not a person whose appraisal of you should count for anything.

Another tactic is to just smile back calmly at your relative with raised eyebrows, like the cat who ate the canary, nod and say, "Hm" (as in...that's an interesting viewpoint). And say nothing else. Stand up tall and remain unflappable. Don't get sucked in or let that person's idiocy ruin your day.

The fact is, people who make harsh, critical, negative judgements of you for your childfree choice are doing so because they are insecure and feel threatened by it. Why? Because taking the stance of not having children is interpreted as a negative appraisal of them, since they have selected the very path you are rejecting.

You and your fiance carefully considered being a parent. You undoubtedly weighed out all the pros and cons, did a cost-benefit analysis, and then rejected that path, deciding that your life would be better and happier free of children. Your relative (consciously or unconsciously) interpreted that as a rejection of her, since she is a parent and you are rejecting parenthood. She is not used to negative appraisals of parenthood, since most people reinforce and validate this choice at every turn, yet here comes this independent-thinking whippersnapper who is refusing to hop on the baby mania bandwagon and is instead taking an altogether different path. Just who do you think you are anyway?  So her hurt feelings at your rejection and perceived invalidation of her life path compelled her to lash out, hurt you back, invalidate your life path and put you in your place.  Now she feels better.  And you feel like shit.

As childfree folks, I think we need to remember that a person's negative reaction to our life choice is more a statement about them than us. If we can remember that their hostility toward us stems from their own issues and insecurities (and in many cases their own regrets and dissatisfaction with the path they have taken), and try to develop a sense of self worth that comes from within and that is not dependent on the appraisals of others, the harsh judgements and invalidations we face from the childed will stop stinging so badly.

Dear Mandy...

I've been following your blog for about a year now, and LOVE IT! About a year ago I decided to live a child free lifestyle and always turn to your blog for support, because unfortunately everyone else in my life from all angles has decided to become a parent, and right now the baby talk is in full force, and I can't seem to escape it. I was going to e mail you but couldn't find you address - haha it may be too early in the morning. But any way I was wondering if this type of situation may have happened with any of your other readers - yesterday I asked my friend who is a new mom to run a 5k with me in July. She automatically e mails me back very smugly saying that she doesn't think it would be appropriate to take her baby in 100 degree weather all day on a run. haha first, who said anything about the baby? the dad can watch him. also, who said all day? 5k only takes an hour! Anyway, I get the feeling that from now on I can only suggest child friendly activities when it comes to hanging out with her for a while, or until she finally comes to her senses and needs an escape. I guess I just really felt the gap between our lifelong friendship grow yesterday, and it was not a fun feeling. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for all that you do, and all of your support!


Julia

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Dear Julia,

Most certainly, your friend was wrong to assume that you were including her child in the invitation to run a 5K race.  It's interesting - and quite surprising - that she made that assumption, since no reasonable person would assume that such an invitation would include a baby.  Your friend's response speaks to the unreasonable sense of entitlement and self-absorption that many people (especially women) fall into once they have kids.  Because a mom's entire existence revolves around her child, she automatically assumes that everyone else's lives should too and sadly, our culture reinforces this idea at every turn.

In this situation, the appropriate response to your friend could be, "Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to imply that you should bring the baby.  Of course a baby should not go on a 5K race.  I was assuming your husband could watch her, or you could get a sitter.  Would that be possible?  I'd really love to do this event with you."  And see how she responds.

If your friend continues to insist that every outing with you must include the baby, you may have to speak up in a gentle way.  One way to approach the issue is to say, "I really love spending time with you and the baby and so look forward to our times together.  Would it also be possible for some of our outings to be just the two of us, so we can really catch up and have some adult time together?"  See how she responds.  Hopefully, she will not be offended and will realize that your request comes from a place of cherishing your friendship and wanting to maintain the level of closeness you always had.

If, despite your requests, she isn't willing to keep your friendship a priority and find time to spend with you one-on-one, you have two options.

Bite the Bullet:  Accept the fact that all of your time with your friend will include her child and realize that this will be the case for at least a few years, until the child is old enough that it does not need to be with her all the time.

OR

Take a Break:  Create more space in the relationship and give yourself something of a breather from your friend, until she gets out of the phase of being attached at the hip to her child.  Stay in touch, but perhaps not as frequently, and focus more of your energy to developing and nurturing friendships that will provide more one-one-one engagement for you.  Seek out other childfree people to form friendships with.

I'd love to hear from my readers on this issue.  How have you navigated this type of situation with your parent friends?  Please post a comment!

Mandy

Dear Mandy...

Dear Mandy,

There is going to be a baptizing of a little boy in my boyfriend's side of the family and I do not wish to go! There are kids everywhere and if you finally find a good behaving child to play with, one or two from the family jumps out from the nearest corner and says: "When are you going to have one? "

And the biggest part of the family knows that I'm not really that into kids, but every time I try to play or in another way interact with a kid, they go insane and thinks that now I have change my mind about things.

It is sooo frustrating and I don't think I can go through with the party because I most likely will end up tripping waiters and old ladies in order to get to the nearest room with a lock.

Sigh, the event is taking place in about twenty days, should I fake an illness or do you have some advice to me, so I can survive that day?

I know fake an illness isn't the most mature thing to do but I'm in a freaking corner and they are many against one.

A.S.
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Dear A.S.

I think we all have been in this situation.  The thing to keep in mind is that you are not OBLIGATED to answer their prying questions. One thing I have learned is that when someone asks a question that is none of their business, the best way to reply is by turning it around on them. So when they press you with "When are you going to have a child?", instead of feeling obligated to give an answer, reply with: "Why would you like to know?" or "Why are you concerned?"  Turn the tables and put THEM on the hot seat. "Is there a reason this is a concern to you?" When they stammer their reply with whatever statement they come up with, you can say, "Thank you for sharing your insights" and leave it at that. In other words, don't feel compelled to answer them. It truly IS none of their business and by turning the tables on them in a polite way, you will subtely convey that message.

In the bigger picture, the remedy to overcoming these feelings of defensiveness is to look at your childfreedom in a different light - where you are empowered by your decision and wear your childfreedom with pride. Think of it as the world's best-kept secret and think of yourself as one of the rare people who has discovered the secret. In other words, instead of thinking of your childfreedom as a negative choice that puts you on the defense, think of it as a positive choice that you are thrilled about and allow that energy to shine through in your dealings with people.  When they try to make you feel badly for your choice, smile at them like the bird who ate the canary and let them wonder.

Mandy

Dear Mandy

Dear Readers,

Welcome to a new feature on my blog - a childfree advice column called "Dear Mandy". Every month, I will post a letter from a reader who is seeking advice about an issue related to childfreedom, along with my reply with advice.

If you have a reply to the reader's letter, feel free to post a comment.

If you need advice about a childfree issue, feel free to email your question to me at firecracker_mandy(at)yahoo(dot)com, or message me on Facebook (I'm listed as Firecracker Mandy).

Dear Mandy,

I love my counsin's baby...love her to death! She is darling (this does not mean that I want one...I just really like her). This is mainly because she is my cousin's who I am close to, and who is totally supportive of my choice to be Child-Free. I really like this baby...not other people's, I do not ohh and aww over other people's kids...I could really care less. However, if I talk about my smallest cousin, people start pressuring me "Are you sure you don't want kids, you would be a great mom, if you like her imagine how much you feel about your own" and so on....When I say I'm quite sure, and that I really do not like other people's kids, I get the "Yeah, okay, you will change your mind". Grrrrrrr. This just pisses me off. Why can't I just really like one kid and have fun and so on with her? Why does it always have to turn into people questioning my choices??????

N.B.
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Dear N.B.

That IS really annoying. I think all childfree people go through this invalidation of our decision.  People make the decision every day to have children, and are rarely held to account for their decision, yet if a person thoughtfully chooses to forego the role of parent, she is given the third degree and treated as though she is a confused soul who does not know her own mind.

Here's something to try. When a person insists you will change your mind about having kids, have them put their money where their mouth is.  Ask them if they are willing to bet $500 you will change your mind. Get it in writing and then CASH IN.  Do this with enough judgemental ninnies, and you will create a lucrative income stream - the classic "turning lemons into lemonade".

If they reply that they are not willing to bet $500 on it (which is very likely), you can say, "Guess you're not that sure I will change my mind, are you?"  Be sure to give them a knowing smile.  That should shut them up real quick.

Mandy