Saturday, April 9, 2011

Snappy Comebacks

I love this article! It's funny but gives us great ideas for snappy comebacks to inappropriate questions people are all too fond of asking (I mean, interrogating) childfree people. My favorite snappy comeback which made me almost fall off my chair:

Questioner: "So are you trying?" (i.e. to get pregnant)

Me: “When was the last time you gave your husband a blow job?”

Questioner: *shocked look and/or gasp*

Me: “Oh, I thought we were asking each other detailed questions about our sex lives. Aren’t we?”


Anonymous said...

Haha, love it!

Hilary said...

HOLY CRAP! That is hilarious. I don't have the guts to actually do this, I don't think--I'm way too polite, usually--but, man. That is fantastic.

Violet said...

my co-worker, who is MAYBE 2 years older than i am said to my response "i don't ever want to be a mother" :
"you will definitely change your mind. you can't imagine how having kids changes you. it really helps you grow up."

so although i was thinking: thanks asshole, i'm happy the way i am. instead, i say:

"like the way it changed YOU, and made you stop following your creative dreams, and think about so-called good school systems, and move out of manhattan? and by the way, if that is growing up, i will stay immature. thanks helping me decide to NEVER EVER breed."

and by the way, he looks 15 years older than i do.

he never mentioned it again.

Julia said...

That is hysterical.. I always get this horrific question.. " when are you do?"

Because I have fibroids that are my alien children.. and they never come out they live with me.. this is not by choice.. I would love to have a child but I dont have health care and cant get medical help and my millioniare mother doesnt help.. so I am childless.. I would love to chat with you sometime..

Temujin said...

"It's the most rewarding job in the world."

Reply: Wow, I had no idea you were an expert on global labor patterns. Can you direct me to the research that proves this? I guess I'll just have to settle for #2 on the list: being myself.

Or: How many jobs have you had, exactly? Have you really done an exhaustive comparison of ALL the jobs in the world?

redwings19 said...

You know, I may just use the one about "when was the last time you gave your husband a BJ"? THAT IS AWESOME! And equally rude!

strawberrysaturday said...

Thank you for this wonderful list. I was once told that, as a woman in possession of a womb, it is my destiny to reproduce. I wasn't quick enough to come up with a snappy comeback but I wish I'd read that list. Most people smugly think 'you'll change your mind one day' and hope to end the conversation knowing that they're right and you will join them in their misery some day but I adore the fact that people are assertive enough to actually speak up for themselves and let people know that having children is a choice and not a requirement. It really is no one else's business, unless they are planning to deliver and bring up the child themselves which, ironically, very few would want to do.

marin said...

"you will definitely change your mind. you can't imagine how having kids changes you. it really helps you grow up."

I've heard this.
Would be much better if people grown up and THEN have a baby, not backwards.

Educate yourself, volounteer, donate, it really helps you grow up.

Anonymous said...

LMAO, that is a great response. I've been rehearsing mine: "We're just having A LOT of fun practicing." I'm sure after my wedding next year, I'll be getting pressure from people to start popping out kids. I wish people would mind their own business. When a woman who wants children says so, no one really asks any questions. They say, "Oh! That's so great!" Then, when I say I don't want them, I get bombarded. It's ridiculous.

Sadie said...

Heck yeah we're trying, and FAILING, quite happily in fact!!!! People told me that I would change my mind, and when I was in my twenties, it didn't bother me much. I'm going to be forty this year, and I still hear that I'll change my mind. Seriously!? who in their right mind would want to chase a toddler at 42?? NOT ME, not ever. As for the ticking clock, here's what I said to the last person who commented on it. When they handed out(biological)clocks, I thought they said docks and was down at the waterfront waiting on a boat.

Sadie said...

Just saw this quote on a Facebook friend's status.

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balance smaller, home happier, clothes dirty, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."

I had to respond with a resounding, "NOT IN MY HOUSE!!"

Our love is strong, the days and nights are perfect, the bank balance is fine, home is wonderfully happy, still have laundry, but only for two, past is forgotten, and we have a bright future. The two of us together(and the dogs).

brettc said...

Those are pretty good comebacks, especially the blowjob one. But I have to disagree with "accidental births don't (happen)". I've seen it on that bizarre TLC show where the women had no clue they were pregnant and pop one out in a skanky gas station bathroom.

I sure hope I don't have to use any of these with my parents when they visit soon. My brother even subtlety bingo'd me recently in an email since his wife just gave birth to an accidental human. I do not enjoy bingos.

Unknown said...

Loved this article, and I love your blog! I'm a first-time commenter, but this article really brought out my inner snark. My favorite response is "I'll have a biological clock when I can buy one at Cartier."

Childfree Travel said...

My boyfriend's cousin told me "Don't miss out on your blessing"!!! I couldn't respond like I wanted as we were at a family reunion and it wasn't my family but what I wanted to say was, "I thought my blessing was the life I have been given and the choice to live it the way that I want." Amen!!!

LucyP said...

This site is refreshing, indeed! I am 38, in a happy 10 yr and counting marriage and have never felt the urge to be a parent.
I respect the choice of anyone who has kids. Why not? I just wish more people would respect the life my husband and I have chosen.
It is shocking how often I am faced with invasive and innapropriate questions and comments. In the past I have handled it with, " When you agree to give birth for me and then babysit daily until my child is eighteen its a go!" The BJ reply is so much better, so... THANKS!

Temujin said...

Just thinking about the whole "you hate children" bingo. It's such a stupid response. Maybe I do hate kids, maybe I love them, maybe both. I don't see why one automatically leads to the other -- plenty of parents hate children, pletny of nonparents love children.

Asking a CF person why he hates kids is like asking a vegetarian why he hates animals. It don't make no sense.

Unknown said...

This is awesome

kjleighb said...

Q: Do you hate kids?
A: Not as much as people who have them. :)