Frazzled, Frenetic Friends

One of the main reasons I do not want to have children is that I do not want to have a manic and chaotic lifestyle. I have no desire to run around like a headless chicken all day and collapse into bed completely exhausted every night. I have no desire to live in a home that is filled with noise and commotion 16 hours a day. I have no desire to have every minute of my day filled to the brink and I certainly have no desire to live my entire life soley for a person who is completely dependent on me. Every person I know who has children lives this way and that lifestyle holds absolutely no appeal to me whatsoever.

When people see me with kids and see how much I enjoy them and how good I am with them, they cannot wrap their minds around the fact that I do not want kids. People assume that if a person likes kids, she must want them and that not wanting kids equals hating kids. For me, this is not true. I don't hate kids. I hate the lifestyle that comes with having them. When I tell people that, they look at me like I am speaking a foreign language. They just don't get it.

My very close friend Sara, who loves being a mom, demonstrates for me every time we are together why I do not want the parent lifestyle. We were together all day on Saturday at our house doing our annual holiday cookie bake - a tradition we have been enjoying for over 20 years. We start at 8:00 a.m. and go until well after dinner time, sometimes into the evening. Her kids stay home with her husband on cookie bake day (thank goodness) so we have the entire day together, just the two of us.

Even though Sara is sans kids for the day, she never escapes the demands of being a full-time mom, with her husband calling her on her cell phone every hour to check in and ask for her advice on every situation that arises with the kids. She's got to talk him through everything from what foods to feed them to how to get them to settle down for nap time to what time he should put the t.v. on, to who gets what snacks. He is helpless without her.

Last week, Sara and I went out Christmas shopping together at the local Target. I noticed that Sara always seems like she is on methamphetamines - she is always racing. While I am casually strolling through and aisles, browsing and looking at things in a leisurely and contemplative way, Sara is manically grabbing this thing and that, talking a mile a minute and making decisions quickly in a feverish rush, even when it's just the two of us and there is no reason to rush. I realized that her frantic demeanor has been honed from having to do shopping trips with her young boys who have very short attention spans that expire after 10 minutes a store, resulting in out-of-control temper tantrums. Sara has learned to think and act quickly and impulsively as a means of survival. Being with her turns my stomach in knots.

I have also noticed that with the onset of children, Sara has lost most of her attention span. When she and I are together and having a discussion, I have to get to the point quickly because she quickly loses her focus. She pretends to be listening, but I can tell her thoughts are elsewhere. Her brain has lost its ability stay with a train of thought for more than 1 minute. Again, blame it on endless hours of interactions with her kids who require rapid-fire responses from her - several per minute.

I love Sara and our friendship goes back many, many years. I am sure our friendship will go on until the end of our lives, but being around her now gives me bad nerves. I keep telling myself to hang in there - that in a few years, when the kids are older, things will settle down and she will return to the calm and attentive friend I once knew. In the meantime, I just have to remember to take deep breaths when I am with her and try not to absorb the frenetic tension of her manic lifestyle.

Is 30 Rock Pronatalist too?

I received this e-mail from a reader who gave me permission to print it. If you're a fan of 30 Rock, please let us know what you think:

"I must say I love your blog and appreciate the time and effort you put into it. I enjoy reading it and it inspires me not to be afraid to think for myself. I recently started watching the NBC sitcom 30Rock (a quick trip to imdb.com can explain this show better than I can...) but unfortunately this is in my honest opinion the worst episode that aired recently called "Sun Tea"...

It started out pretty good. The two characters, Jack Donaghy and Tracy Jordan, plan to get vasectomies together after exploring the disadvantages of having kids. In Jack's case, he seemed like the childfree type from the start. His hero is "publicly humiliated by his own family" and he's glad he doesn't have to experience this himself. Yeah, he's rich enough to afford multiple kids but he doesn't have them anyway. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders...so far.

In Tracy's case, even though he already had children (2 boys I think), his reasons were: " This Cosby Show lied to me!" (you know, the usual perfect or in some way appealing family that everyone would love to be a part of) and the inability to tell "the stripper story" in front of Tracy Jr.

Both men had no problems getting their surgeries approved but in the end, they both decided not to go through with the vasectomy because Tracy was stupid enough to listen to his Cosby Show hallucination during his vasectomy and Jack bonded with Tracy Jr. over homework in the waiting room. What's even stupider is they add some "green" propaganda. But there's obviously nothing "green" abotu having children...hypocricy much, Tina Fey? She's a mom of course as well as the creator of this show.

Please tell me this episode pokes fun at people who have stupid reasons for having children. I want to love this show, I really do. The past ones weren't painful to watch like this one was. It kind of makes me fear for the future just a little bit more...

Here's a link to the episode. I hope it's able to show up so you can judge for yourself.

KS"

Notice from Redbook: This is NOT a Family

First off, Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who celebrate. I hope you did like me and ate everything in sight because this is the one day of year where it's not only acceptable - it's encouraged! This year I am thankful for many of the things you'd expect - my hubby, my health, my adorable furboys, the fact that I have a job. The list goes on. I am also thankful for you, my dear readers - for reading my rants and through your feedback, validating my feelings and making me realize that there are way too many people who share my feeling for me to be crazy. I hope my blog provides a little validation for you too.

On Wednesday, I left the office at 2:00, but before I did, I stopped by the waiting room and grabbed a magazine to read on the train. I really don't care for our office's selection of magazines - it's the usual tripe, and the women's magazines usually end up annoying me more than entertaining me, but I went against my better judgement and grabbed the November issue of Redbook to read on the way home.

In addition to finding a yummy-looking recipe for cranberry apple chutney, I learned something very interesting while reading Redbook. Hubby and me are NOT a family. Redbook is very clear about this in their article entitled What's the Right-Size Family? The tag line to the title is "Sometimes you build your family by choice, and sometimes by chance. These eight couples share the stories of how 1, 2, 6...even 12...is just the right number of children".

So against my better judgement, I tortured myself and read through the entire article just to make sure they really didn't present a couple who chose not to have children. Heck, I would have even be happy to see a presentation of a childless by circumstance couple who, in the normal feel-good Redbook fashion, overcame their circumstance and came to embrace their life as-is.

Ah, but alas, this was all just fantasy on my part. As would be expected from such a typical rag, the usual assumptions were made: first, that all couples have or want children - that it's not a matter of whether a couple will have kids but how many. Second, that a couple who does not have children is not a family and of course, the underlying sub-message to that - that if you desire to live and create a family lifestyle for yourself, you'll need to pop out at least one kid.

I got to read heartwarming stories of blissful families like Jody and Chad who have come to terms with the fact that they will only have one child together (Chad already has a brood from a previous marriage and had a vasectomy before meeting Jody). Of course, it never occurs to them to adopt, but that's another issue. And then we have Aly and Jay who started with one but ended up with five and talk about how "awesome" it is to have this many kids, even though, Aly admits, there are days when she doesn't sit down for 12 hours straight. Lisa Renee and Russell opted to have 2 (and no more) because having 2 is manageable enough to allow them to "put their marriage first", for example taking 3 trips per year by themselves (yeah, we childfree couples know all about putting marriages first, if anyone's interested).

Then we get to the "faithful" family of Kate and Ray who allow God to determine how many kids they have. No surprise, they're up to 12. While saying it can be difficult, they mostly stress how blessed they feel and how the local business just love to see their van pull into their parking lots (can you imagine the carbon footprint of this family?)

The article goes on to feature 4 more families: one with a big age gap between their 2 kids, one who opted for just 1 child, another one with a big brood. Some of them (like the only-child couple and the couple with 6 children) describe the judgements they suffer from others who think their choice of number of children is wrong. Ha! They haven't seen anything. Try stating aloud that you have chosen not to have kids and then you can talk about judgements.

I guess what irritates me the most about this article is the title itself and the one obvious missing answer: What's the Right-Size Family?" The question begs for at least ONE of the answers to be "2 - just the couple" and yet, despite the fact that 7 - 10% of all couples opt to be childfree and very much consider themselves a family, not a single sentence in this article mentions this option as an answer to the question it presents.

I don't know about you, but I consider hubby and me (with or without our furry boys) a family. I always have. Hubby is my family. He's more family to me than my parents and siblings. He is the person who loves and understands me the most. He is the person I have built a life with - who I share and run a household with, who I go through all of life's joys, trials and tribulations with. We grow and develop together and make each other better people. If that isn't a family, I don't know what is. Frankly, I am sick and tired of being marginalized and treated as though we do not exist when the truth is - not only do we exist, but we flourish because of our chosen lifestyle.

Rags like Redbook (and the media in general) love to expand the boundaries of what constitutes a family and for the most part, I think that's a good thing. Today, family is no longer narrowly defined as a married couple with children. We have blended families, single-parent families, even families with 2 moms or 2 dads. The idea of family has been stretched so far beyond it's original definition that almost anything will be defined and embraced as family - that is, except for childfree and childless couples. For some reason we cannot seem to earn that title. We've come a long way baby, but we haven't gotten there yet.

So what do you think? Is a couple without children a "family"? Cast your vote on my new poll.

An Easy $300

In 1992 I was 26 years old and already certain I did not want to have children. At this point, hubby and I were still dating and only a year or two into our relationship and I counted my lucky stars at my good fortune in finding a man who was on the same page concerning children. We were excitedly planning our future together, saving for a house and in the early stages of talking about getting married.

At that time, I was employed as a legal secretary while I worked my way through college. A memory came back to me the other day of a certain attorney who worked in the office with me. He was about 40 years old and I recall he was a bit of a jerk and a chauvinist. One day, I was having a conversation with my boss about how I was not going to have children and the chauvinist overheard me. He said in a very knowing tone, "oh, yes you will. All women want to have kids. You'll change your mind", to which I replied that I most certainly would not. He kept insisting that I would and said he'd bet money on it. I said, "really?" and together we drew up an Affidavit which my boss notarized. He bet me $300 that by the age of 35 I would have a child.

That was 17 years ago and here I am at age 43 and still happily childfree.

I have debated about contacting that attorney and seeing if he'll pay up. I no longer have the Affidavit (I have no idea what I did with it). Do you think I should? It might be worth it just to make a point.

9 Silly Things People Say When they Hear you don't want Kids

This article by Liz Langley is so awesome, I just have to share it with you. Thanks, CFVixen, for forwarding.

9 Silly Things People Say When They Hear You Don't Want Kids (and Ways to Counter Them)

The Bitch & Backpedal

Here's something that I find utterly fascinating about some parents - perhaps you too have witnessed this. I call it The Bitch & Backpedal. This is how it works.

A parent is bitching and complaining about their kids and about being a parent. They're really letting loose and spilling all the beans. You know the scene. You're quiet and listening and letting them vent. They are going on and on full steam about how exhausted they are, how their kids suck the life out of them, how they are a shell of their former self. The venting feels good, so they keep going. They proceed to detail the sorry state of their financial affairs - the criminal cost of day care, having to hold down two jobs so they can pay the bills and save for their kids' college educations, how they can't afford to go out to dinner anymore and no longer have the time or money to do any of the things they love to do. And the kids are so damned UNGRATEFUL! They just take and take and take and take and don't appreciate a damned thing. You nod in sympathy and your compassionate response elicits further revelations. Their sex life has gone to hell. Even if they wanted to have sex, there's no time or energy left at the end of the day and both of them collapse into bed exhausted or too angry at each other from fighting over the kids. Parenthood has sucked every sexual impulse out of them.

You suggest that maybe they should schedule a "date night" or spend some time doing adult things together on the weekends. "Ha!" the parent laughs. "We're chauffeurs every weekend - Johnny has soccer on Saturdays and karate on Sundays, Belinda has art lessons on Saturday morning, fencing Saturday afternoons and Girl Scouts on Sunday - oh and on Tuesday nights we have PTA, on Thursdays the kids both have swim meets and Friday night is when we schedule play dates for them. We're running every day and night of the week!"

Now the parent is on a roll, ranting about their home being something akin to a war zone with toys and clothes everywhere, constant bickering and fighting, power struggles over chores and homework, evenings spent patrolling television, internet and cell phone use. And the back talk! They are at wit's end - every type of discipline they have tried has failed. The latest news is that 11 year old Belinda has been caught "sexting" nude photos of herself to several of her male classmates and has been suspended from school. The parent dissolves into a puddle of tears.

And then, without thinking, it slips out of you. "Man, I am so glad I don't have kids."

That is the trigger for The Backpedal. Abruptly the gears come to a screeching halt and the parent reverses into an alternate self, like the little girl in The Exorcist after the demon is exorcised from her, or Sybill when she switches between her multiple personalities. Their entire demeanor changes. Their face softens and takes on a glowy hue. Suddenly parenthood isn't bad at all. In fact, it's downright peachy! It's the most important job in the world and they can't imagine having any other life. You really don't know what you're missing. Those little moments when the child says, "I love you mommy and daddy" make it so worth it. There is nothing like the feeling of those little arms around your neck. It is a love that is stronger than any love they have ever felt. They are a better person for having kids - they have grown so much as a person and aren't so selfish anymore. The entire human race is better off because they have kids. Being a parent is so wonderful and their most important and gratifying role in life. (At this point, they're worried you aren't buying it, so to bolster their position they whip out the photo album - and immediately flip to the most heartwarming photos in their collection - photos you might see on the front of Hallmark cards with the child and parent gazing adoringly into each others' eyes, the proud daddy carrying his son on his shoulders, parents, kids and dog wrestling in a pile of colorful leaves on a crisp, autumn day).

I've witnessed the Bitch & Backpedal so many times at this point I can almost recite the script by heart. The Bitch & Backpedal is truly fascinating. It is like watching a glassy-eyed cult member rattle off the dogma of his leader, or a Stepford Wife robotically praising and complimenting her husband as she obediently serves him a martini like a remote control mannequin.

When I try to dissect this perplexing behavior, I can only come up with this theory:

Parenting, for the most part, sucks. Sure, it has some redeeming elements (like those little "I love yous" and arms around the neck - which, by the way, you can easily get from your nieces and nephews if you crave it) but a much higher percentage of parenthood is drudgery than pleasure. Of course, nobody tells people this going in because our pronatalist culture is laser beam-focused on beating us over the head with messages that unrealistically glorify and glamorize parenthood. Since most people are sheep and don't know the slightest thing about independent thinking, they blindly buy into every lie they are spoonfed. And let's face it - when it comes to parenthood, there are plenty of lies to go around.

So then, like good little automatons, they have children and reality hits. What?! It's not a picnic!? It's not sugar and spice and everything nice!? It's not puppies and rainbows!? It's not a life overflowing with Kodak moments!? No, for the most part, it is hours upon hours of drudgery puntuated by rare, fleeting moments of joy. Not what you bargained for? Sorry, you can't give them back. Becoming a parent and hating it is not like having a job you hate. Don't like your job? Quit and find another one (okay, maybe not too easy in this economy, but you get my point). You can even go back to school and change careers completely! Don't like your kids? Don't like being a parent? Miss your spouse, your friends, your hobbies, your love life, your personal identity, your peace of mind? You want your old life back? Tough bananas. You're stuck for at least 18 years (usually more) and there's no way out. Yes, I know it's a cliche but Sonny, you made your bed.

This is what I believe is at the root of The Backpedal. Simply stated, it is a coping mechanism. It is a form of self-delusion - a facade many parents try to uphold to avoid truly facing the harsh reality of what they have done - the fact that like all the billions of suckers before them, they were hoodwinked into a life of voluntary incarceration. So when in a moment of overwhelming frustration they inadvertently let the cat out of the bag to someone who is brave enough to acknowledge the suckiness of their life, it sends them into a tailspin. They simply cannot endure it because it confirms their deepest fear - what they know deep inside but do not want to admit - that parenthood is a prison they have no means to escape. Since they are going to be locked up for a long, long time, they might as well paint their prison in the prettiest, most uplifting shade they can find. Takes their attention off the bars.

IVF: Getting into the God Business

When the Octomom story broke a number of months ago, my head was spinning at the revelation that a fertility doctor had implanted an unemployed, single mother (who already had 6 children and who was sponging off her parents, living in their small 3 bedroom house) with 8 embryos. Somehow the doctor's behavior seemed even more insane to me than the behavior of Octomom herself which says a lot. The story got a ton of media - all the talking heads were flapping their gums (and wagging their fingers) over it, but we never did hear from the doctor himself, did we? No, he avoided the limelight, probably because he knew his behavior was nothing short of criminal. The man should have been thrown in jail.

I haven't written about the subject of in vitro fertilization (IVF) before today, but it's been on my blogging back burner. Thankfully, two of my readers e-mailed me to vent about the subject and their eloquent letters (which they permitted me to reprint below) raise some very interesting questions and I'd love to hear your thoughts:

Is in vitro fertilization in line with "God's plan"? (assuming one believes in God)

Is IVF an act of selflessness, or selfishness?

Is having children an entitlement? Is the capacity to give birth a medical necessity? Should health insurance companies be required to cover IVF?

Are those who pursue IVF (and the docs who perform this procedure) "playing God"?

By the way, thank you to ALL the readers who contact me with blog post ideas or forward links to me. I save them in a little file called "Blog Post Ideas" and my folder is getting pretty big. I plan to dip into it on a regular basis. Please continue to send me your ideas, letters, links and vents. You can reach me at firecracker_mandy(at)yahoo(dot)com.

And now to the letters of our esteemed readers, HawkMom and Shrodinger's Kittens (thanks, ladies).

Hi,

I'm a mother (obviously) but I just love reading your Childfree blog. I've been to other places that just rant about "greedy moos". I don't take it too personally, though, as I've heard from some childfree acquaintances that parents are often self-righteous and arrogant towards them. All of what you say is spot on. When having children, you gain a lot emotionally and spiritually (if you're into that), but you give up a lot more. If kids were adults, we wouldn't put up with them. It's all take, take, take. I adore my girl to pieces, though, so I don't mind being temporarily insane for the next 18 years, which is basically what parenting is. I'm okay with that. : )

Anyway, I was about to write a post on my own blog about IVF and fertility treatment. I've written about it before and commented on forums, but I was charbroiled beyond recognition. These ladies are brutal. I'm in a weird place, as I am unapologetically pro-choice. However, fertility treatments in general make me uneasy. I'm one of those natural birth loons, so forgive me in advance, but I do find it offensive that many of the same women pumping themselves full of hormones and graded embryos are rallying against gay marriage and abortion as "against God's plan". Hypocrisy much? I lost a friend over this recently, when she found an old blog entry of mine. As diplomatically as I could, I explained to her in an e-mail back-and-forth that her twins (formerly triplets) were more the result of her selfish desires, that her PCOS was not a life-threatening disease comparable to cancer, and I just couldn't sit back and pretend that she was selfless and brave, no matter how many treatments she went through. She had "no regrets" over the fact that one of her babies died before the end of the first trimester and another one almost died in utero, spending the first few weeks of his life on breathing machines, clinging to life. She said she would do it all again, because I "wouldn't understand" what it's like to want something so many other women can have. The jaw drops when I think about this. I did apologize for offending her, if that helps. I thought you may understand my perspective, because those of us who have biological children or don't want any altogether are forbidden to have an opinion. I was actually searching your archived posts for something about the topic. I have to go run some errands now, but I was wondering if you could link me up to an old entry or if you were interested in writing about it in a newer post. My interest in all of this has been piqued even more with that recent mix-up in Wisconsin.

HawkMom

______________________________________________________

Every time I see an article that argues assisted reproductive technologies should be covered by insurance I can't make a coherent argument. It makes me too angry. Covered by insurance? It should be illegal. Nobody ever died from not having a baby. And then you get a situation like Jon and Kate--note in the article when they started trying for another baby she told the doctor she would not selectively reduce. This is the thing I hate most about assisted reproduction: for some reason your body is not able to sustain an embryo or bear a child, but we can chemically torture it into doing what it shouldn't, all because society says you are a failure as a woman if you don't pursue every possible option to get a baby, no matter how impractical or expensive or detrimental to your health. Look what Science can do for you! Oh, so many beautiful babies! It's a miracle!

Then a few months later the doctor sits them down and says, "You have to think about selective reduction. There are too many embryos," And mommy and daddy say, "Oh, teehee, I can't play God!" Guess what, you got into the god business when you started this chain of events. Everyone screams about their right! to have a baby, but nobody wants to take the responsibility. So God, in the guise of the taxpayers, pays for their defective litter that's plagued with physical problems and learning disabilities. Because no sacrifice is too great for a baby, especially if other people do the sacrificing.

So where does it end? Thanks for letting me rant, I apologize if I got wordy, but I thought you might have something (more coherent and less ranty) to say about this article if you hadn't seen it already. Take care.

Shrodinger'sKittens

The Match.com Lady who Lived in a Shoe

One of my close friends uses the dating service Match.com. Every so often he forwards me the profile of a particular woman he finds interesting in some way. Here's part of the profile of one woman he came across:

"About my life and what I'm looking for: If you are looking for ordinary don't read any further. I am currently attending graduate school earning a 4. 0 as a reading specialist in education. I work for my family business, and I am the very proud mom of 10 children. My oldest is 21 and my youngest is 2. My ex left when my son was just 8 months old for another lifestyle. I am and have always been financially independent and am not looking for a father or caretaker of my children."

10 children! ?

How would it be possible for a man to marry this woman and not become the default father and caretaker of her children? Would he just ignore the children in the household and pretend they don't exist? Would he sit back with his feet propped up and a newspaper in his hand and watch her do all the work? Or hope that the ex husband, who fled for another "lifestyle" (a childfree lifestyle, I imagine) will suddenly reappear on the doorstep to sweep the 10 kids off to Disneyland for an extended vacation?

And where exactly would the new guy fit into her life? She has 10 kids, PLUS is attending graduate school, PLUS holds down a job, PLUS she's gotta sleep sometime, right? All this and romance too!?? The guy better be into quickies.

Interestingly, the photos the woman posted of herself on her Match.com profile included one of her in a bikini, and she really rocks it (amazing considering how many puppies she squeezed out). I guess when you are saddled with 10 kids, you have to pull out all the stops to attract a date. No offense, guys but I imagine the bikini shot would be enough for some men to look past all the kids in the shoe.

Friend, Thy Name is Narcissus

Are you up for a long story today?

Being that most of you reading this are childfree, I know I am not alone in lamenting the loss (or demotion) of good friendships once a friend has children. Many times we feel as though we've been dumped once children come into our friend's picture.

Here's my question for you today: have you ever dumped a friend after he/she had kids? I did. Here's the story.

Paula was someone I had met in 7th grade when I started at a new school. We became fast friends and were best friends through 7th, 8th and 9th grades. We were inseparable. Then in high school we split off and went separate ways for many years until we later reconnected as adults.

It's interesting to reconnect as adults with someone you were friends with as a child. You never know how it will work out - if you will still be compatible. I was confident Paula and I would still be compatible - many things about her were still the same and many things about me were the same. But there was one big thing that had changed. Paula was desperate to have a child.

I didn't think this would necessarily be a problem. I may be staunchly childfree, but I have had several successful friendships with people who have children. However, Paula's desperation to have a child was more intense than anything I had witnessed before. This was illustrated by a comment she made to me in a letter stating that if she can't have children she would "rather die". I was worried, but she soon became pregnant and all was right in her world.

What was not right was what happened to our friendship. From the time the child was born, and for a few years after that (until our friendship ended), Paula was obsessed with her child to the point that I felt invisible in our friendship. Much of our interaction took place in letters to each other. She was a prolific letter writer, and I enjoy writing too, so we would send letters back and forth, about one per week. What really started to bother me was that in Paula's lengthy letters to me, the entire 5 pages were about her child - endless details about everything from the brand of diapers she uses to the child's sleeping schedule, to the temperature of her fevers, to the evaluation of day care centers, and on and on and on - lengthy, boring tedium that nobody in their right mind would subject another person to.

Now of course, I expect that a mother will talk about her child - the child is a big and important part of her life (as it should be). What was troubling was that in all 5 pages of each letter and in our interactions in person, she talked about nothing else. Not her job. Not her husband. Not current events. Not any interests. Nothing. If that was not bad enough, she showed no genuine interest in me and the happenings in my life. It was completely a one-way friendship.

So in response to her 5-page letters about her child, I would write back, politely commenting on the things she wrote about and then updating her on what was going on in my life. In return, in her letters to me, she did not acknowledge anything I had written about my life, but instead spent another 5 pages updating me about her daughter.

Needless to say this got old after awhile.

I turned to a close friend for help and at his advice, I began to turn the faders down on our friendship. I didn't feel comfortable coming straight out and telling her, "look, I feel completely ignored in our friendship and you show interest in nothing other than your child". So I figured, I'll just quietly ease away from the friendship. I undertook a deliberate plan of action to make her tire and lose interest in me. I took longer to reply to her letters. I shortened my letters. When I did write back, I didn't spend much time acknowledging the things she had written about. I took her approach and began to talk endlessly about myself, spending little time focusing on her. I figured in time she would either get the hint, or just get bored with me (since I would not be fulfilling her need for an active audience) and drop out of the picture.

Thinking back now, I was being a coward and a weasel. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I figured I would just try to ease myself out of the friendship. My reasoning was that since she didn't have a sincere interest in me anyway (I was just a sounding board for her to rattle on and on about herself and her child), she wouldn't really care or notice.

But it didn't work. No matter how short my letters became, how little acknowledgement I gave her in my letters, how much time lapsed between letters, or how self-absorbed my letters became, she'd write back with full gusto - her usual 5-page dissertations about her daughter. I realized she was using our letters as a writing exercise - a diary to document her life. What's worse, she was actively pursuing me for in-person get-togethers which were just as bad as the letters, only in person which was more agonizing.

I was at wit's end.

The final straw for me was when I had mentioned (in an e-mail to her) that I was really excited because I got an A in my first graduate school class and her response was, "Oh, I didn't know you were in graduate school." Well, of course I had told her I was in graduate school in one of my prior letters. This just illustrated how little interest she had in me that she did not remember such an important fact. It was clear she didn't care, because her entire commentary on my being in graduate school consisted of just that one sentence and she was off and running on another lengthy diary entry about her daughter.

I was so exasperated by this that I forwarded her e-mail to my close friend (the confidant who was trying to help me figure out how to extricate myself from her) with the comment, "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?!!!" Well, fate must have stepped in at this point to help me out (in the form of a blessing in disguise) because somehow I did something (perhaps hit "reply" instead of "forward"?) and the e-mail went right back to Paula and she discovered I had forwarded her message to another person.

Of course, a blow-out immediately ensued and she was extremely hurt that I had betrayed her confidence. At that point, I could do nothing but be completely straightforward with her. I told her exactly how I felt - that I felt alienated from her because she seemed to be interested in nothing other than her child, and showed no genuine interest in me or the goings-on in my life.

Her reply? "Of COURSE I am interested in my child! She will always be the center of my life!" (I think she missed the point). And then, she lambasted me for telling her the honest reasons I no longer wanted to be friends with her. "You couldn't have just told me something like 'I feel we've grown apart' " - you had to be TRUTHFUL and tell me I bore you and show no interest in you!"

And that's when I stopped feeling badly because it was at this moment that she illustrated the precise reason I wanted out of the friendship. Even at this moment, when a friend was ending a long-standing friendship with her, her thoughts were only on herself, on her feelings, with no concern for her friend's unhappiness or what led her friend to want to pull away. She didn't care about my feelings or why I no longer wanted to be friends with her. She would prefer be lied to than to know how her behavior had driven away a friend.

So that was the end of that friendship.

This happened about 7 years ago and it came back to mind when I was writing my recent post about Baby Mama Facebook Drama. I realized there is a common thread between that story and this one. Some parents believe that the second they give birth, the entire world revolves around them and every detail of their lives. They believe that the life of childrearing is so scintillating and engaging and captivating to everyone that we are all hanging on the edge of our seats, salivating in anticipation of the next detail. They give a pitying nod to anyone who has any interests, endeavors and pursuits other than childrearing because none of those remotely compare to the earth-shatting importance of parenthood.

They believe this because this is what is drummed into our heads from the moment we are born - that the most important and gratifying role in life is that of parent. All roads lead to parenthood. It is the ultimate goal. It is the purpose of marriage. It is the purpose of sex. It is a love like no other. It completes you. It defines a woman and makes her "whole".

Given this thorough brainwashing, is it any wonder that parents (especially women) believe they are God the second they pop out a child? That trumpets of heaven will sound the moment they become parents? That everyone around them will bow down in worship? That we will be hanging on their every word and action? That their role as mother trumps all else?

Thankfully, there are parents who do not fall under this brainwashing spell - they are small in number, but they are out there (some of them are friends of mine). In the meantime, it can be difficult and hazardous navigating our way among all the others.

Casting Stones

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The Today Show likes to talk about families, and babies, and pregnancy and parenting A LOT. They spend lots of air time promoting and glorifying parenthood - just one of the thousands of voices in the deafening chorus of media pronatalists singing the praises of having children and providing endless support and encouragement for people who choose that lifestyle. I challenge you to find one 30-minute slot on The Today Show in which you will not be subjected to a piece on motherhood, or babies, or parenting techniques, or infertility treatments, or mid-life mothering, or debates over innoculations, or child discipline, or child health issues and the list goes on adfinitum. The pro-parenthood propoganda never stops...

EXCEPT when it comes to the Octomom. I guess even the parenthood-obsessed Today Show has to draw a line somewhere. Watch the above clip and listen to Dr. Almighty Snyderman (a Today Show regular) cast her judgment on Nadya Suleman, Suleman's doctors and our culture's obsession with multiple births and bad parenting, a.k.a. "bad parent porn."

I agree with Dr. Almighty, but here's the rub: The Today Show is one of the very outlets that relentlessly feeds our culture's breeding obsession, and fuels the attention-seeking, baby-obsessed psychosis of human breeding machines like Nadya Suleman. This in turn ramps up the demand for unethical doctors who will do whatever they can to service women like Octomom, yet now The Today Show stands in judgement of the very monster it helped to create.

The Today Show may cast all the stones it likes, but today I am casting some stones right back at it.

More Baby Mama Facebook Drama

Remember my recent post about the Facebook "friend" whose non-stop updates about the minutia of her baby's life were driving me crazy?

We're not friends anymore.

One day, she posted yet another baby-related status update announcing that the cost of daycare is CRIMINAL and she can't believe it's 40% higher than it was back when she had her first child (who is now 11). So a bunch of her FB friends (parents) posted comments to her update sympathizing and agreeing with her, some specifying how much they pay for childcare and what an outrage it is. It was a big pity party.

So, feeling a little frisky that day, I posted this comment: "Another reason I am happy we don't have kids".

A day or so later, I went back to that thread to read comments after mine and guess what? My comment was gone. She deleted it! So guess what I did? I deleted her. I de-friended her. I know that sounds extreme and probably makes me an official Facebook meanie, but we were just acquaintences and I had been tossing around the idea of de-friending her for some time because her incessant "Baby Joey" updates had been driving me spit-bubbles (hence my vent on this blog). She is a nice person, though, and to date I had always felt too guilty to de-friend her. I just couldn't bring myself to do it - until now.

Of course, just my luck: she immediately noticed that I de-friended her, assumed it was because she had deleted my comment and sent me a private message apologizing and explaining her reasons for doing so. Apparently one of her FB friends is a young woman who is pregnant and anxious about having children and she thought my comment might make her feel even more anxious. She said she occasionally deletes friends' comments if she thinks they will hurt or offend any of her other friends. She encouraged me to re-friend her.

My response to her was that I didn't see how my little comment about being happy we don't have kids is any more anxiety-producing than the drawn-out discussion about how expensive childcare is. If anything is going to produce anxiety in a young, nervous mother-to-be, I think a detailed accounting of exhorbitant daycare costs will do it. Realizing that I did not want to re-friend her, I decided to be honest and told her that I think she's a really nice person and I wish her all the best, but I wasn't connecting with her constant updates about the baby and it felt like too much for me.

She got defensive and didn't take it well, and the conversation went downhill from there. She accused me of being closed-minded, saying that she has FB friends of all kinds - people who have kids, people who don't have kids, people who like kids, and people who don't like kids, and they are all open-minded enough to indulge her updates.

At this point, I could have let it die (and perhaps I should have), but I didn't. Let's just say I was in a mood. So I told her that I think it would be helpful for her to consider her audience when posting updates. Perhaps her friends may like to hear about other things besides her baby and may tire of hearing every single detail of Baby Joey's life and nothing else. I gave her the example of my cat (the example I wrote about in here) and asked her if she would enjoy reading daily updates about every aspect of my cat's life and nothing else - her vet visits, the flavor of food she ate this morning, how much hair came out in her daily brushing, the brand of cat litter we use. I told her my feelings about her updates had nothing to do with liking or not liking children, and I was sorry if she took offense with my honesty, but I really thought it would be helpful to her to know the truth of how I feel.

(I didn't say this, but I am also sure many of her non-baby obsessed FB friends who are similarly tired to death of her boring-ass updates would be CHEERING me on for my honesty, if they knew about our exchange).

As you might imagine, my cat-update-comparison didn't go over too well and her reply was something to the effect of "you can't compare cats to kids" and "good riddance" and that was it - the end of our Facebook friendship. I felt a little badly at first because I know I was a bit hard on her, but I think after months of enduring those awful, mind-numbing, narcissistic Baby Joey updates, her deletion of my comment was simply the final straw.

Edited to Add: For those of you who have similar Facebook issues, I have since learned that there is a way to stop a friend's updates from appearing on your wall without de-friending them. If you put your cursor over the friend's name (on their update), you will see a link appear to the right of their update that says "Hide (friend's name)" Click that link to "hide" the person and their updates will no longer show on your wall (although they will still be in your friend list).

Having a Child is SO Worth it!

Really? Is it worth $221,000? Because based on surveys with thousands of households, that's what it costs for a middle income family to raise a second child today. And that's only to age 17. That figure doesn't even take college or wedding costs into consideration. So let's say we add another $105,000 for college education (the average cost for a 4-year state school), plus $20,000 for a wedding. Now the figure is at $346,000. And that's only for one child. Since most people have at least 2 children, sometimes more, you are looking at a total expenditure of a half a million dollars or more for the privilege of having children. If you want to be a parent, you better start getting really good at playing the stock market (or really lucky playing the lottery). According to this MSN article, Raising Your $221,000 Baby:

Typical families, those making from $56,870 to $98,470 a year, will spend a whopping $221,190 to raise a second child born in 2008 through age 17, estimates the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion (.pdf file), a division of the
U.S. Department of Agriculture.

Higher-income families will spend even more. Those earning more than $98,470 will spend $366,660 overall in the U.S. to raise a second child; that figure rises to $406,680 in urban areas of the Northeast.

Though not as steep, the figures for lower-income families are just as unsettling: $159,870 for families making less than $56,870 to raise a second child. That averages $8,882 a year for a lower-income family, $12,288 for the middle-income group and $20,370 for top earners.

Ah, but fear not! According to the author of this article there's no need to take a vow of celibacy because there are ways to trim costs. (Interesting, isn't it that the only choices presented here are having kids or taking a vow of celibacy - no mention of the obvious other option of using birth control and not having kids at all.)

I continue to be utterly fascinated by the undying devotion to parenthood and the never-ending claim that it is so worth it. So worth working yourself to the bone for? So worth giving up any chance of saving for retirement? So worth endlessly struggling to make ends meet? So worth ruining your marriage for? So worth losing your friends for? So worth giving up your hobbies for? Your personal privacy? Your sex life? Your sleep? Your mental health? Your energy? Your free time? Your attention span? Your career advancement? Your community involvement? Educational opportunities? Your sleep? Your health? and on and on and on and on.....?

Oh, that's right. Of course it's worth it. Having children is the most joyful, blissful, fulfilling experience in life. This is so evident when we look around at our friends and family with children, isn't it? Aren't they all just beaming with joy and happiness?

Here's my theory about the it's so worth it line. I think this line is nothing more than parents' rationalization to convince themselves they didn't majorly f*ck up by having kids. They realize they have gotten themselves into deep doo-doo, and they are coming to terms with the fact that they can't undo the doo-doo, (they can't take their kids back to the hospital and get a refund), so they delude themselves chanting the it's so worth it mantra, like glassy-eyed Stepford wives, because facing the truth head on is simply too horrifying.

To be clear, I do not claim that there are no joys involved in parenthood. There most certainly are joys. But to date there has not been a single person who has effectively convinced me - either through discussion or by example - that the joys of parenthood outweigh the costs. Yet somehow, despite the fact that the painful costs of parenthood are in everyone's face all the time, the having kids is so worth it mantra continues to wash over everyone like mind-numbing Muzak and we are all hoodwinked.

Well, not all of us.

A Father in La-La Land

Browsing around, I came across an article called 10 Reasons Not to Have Kids Yet...or Ever which is not exactly the most comprehensive list in the world (at least compared to The Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids)...but nevertheless...

Because I posted a comment to the article, I get sent notifications when other posters post comments. Here is an interesting response from a father:

I am a happy parent of two, and here are my reasons to have kids:

1) Having a captive audience. Who better to listen to your cheesy renditions of bed-time stories than a wide-eyed child? Or your off-tune renditions of lullabies?

2) Best cure for loneliness or boredom. It takes a lot to sever your relationship with your child. Sure, it takes a lot of love, time and understanding, but tell me something worthwhile that doesn't require effort? Put some love and time into it, and it's probably your best bet for a lasting, close relationship with another person.

3) Relive your childhood. If there were things you loved about your childhood, you can recreate them. Things you hated? You have a chance to set them right.

4) Live comedic performances for free. If a 1-yr old baby playing fetch with your labrador or dancing in the buff to a Michael Jackson tune won't make you smile, nothing will.

5) A witness to your greatness and to your shortcomings. If you continue to screw up-- tell half truths-- your kid will know. If you are prone to tantrums, your kid will know. Likewise, if you love unconditionally, give your time generously, and are truthful, your kid will know. What better inspiration to become a bigger person than that little beloved witness in your house?

6) Getting old will be easier. This I'm speculating on, as I'm not yet old. But I dread to think what holidays without children would be like. Imagine being 75 and spending a lonely Christmas in a retirement home. Yuck! Or my wife, being a solitary widow when she outlives me. Thank God for my two boys. And if they give me grandkids, I'll have little babies to buy xmas gifts for.

7) Will bring your relationship with your partner to its true light. If you are unsure of how strong your relationship with your partner is, there is no better measuring stick than the challenge of bringing up children together.

Well, that's it for now. GTG.

There are a couple of things I found very illuminating about this response:

First, the fact that a parent can state that he had children so that he can have a captive audience, cure loneliness and boredom, be entertained, make getting old easier to bear and have a witness to his greatness screams SELFISH to me, but who am I to judge? Oh, that's right - I am a selfish childfree person, so what would I know about selfishness? ;)

Second, in response to the items listed by the father above, I feel compelled to post a line-item response to this gentleman:

1. Do you really find performing before a long-suffering, captive audience fulfilling? Why not spare everyone the agony and sing into a mirror?

2. Make some friends. Be a devoted partner or husband. Take your wife on a date. Take a class. Develop some listening skills. Show interest in other people. Become a volunteer. Go to school. If having children is the only way you can prevent being lonely or bored, you aren't really living your life.

3. Want to relive the fun things of your childhood? Go ahead. You don't need kids to do it. Ride a rollercoaster, have a pajama party, write in your journal, play board games, play a game of touch football, have silly theme parties with your friends (and make silly videos), laugh until your sides hurt. I do, and you'd be surprised how many other adults, when given the opportunity, like to do these things too. Or if you really can't bear the idea of doing these things without children in tow, take your nieces, nephews or friends' kids out for a day. And then when you're all tired out, turn them back over to their parents and get on with your peaceful life.

4. Get pets. They are endlessly entertaining. I highly recommend having multiple cats and watching their wrestling matches. Boatloads of fun. Or marry a funny person like I did. Rent vintage Eddie Murphy stand-up routines. Your library probably rents them for free. Classic! Here's my favorite Eddie Murphy routine of all time. I laugh just thinking about it!

5. I have news for you. Your kids aren't the only witnesses to your greatness and shortcomings. Have a wife? She's a witness. Have friends? (maybe not, since you rely on your kids to cure your loneliness) - if so, they are witnesses. Have a job? Your boss is watching. If you only care about what children think of you (and not adults), you are selling yourself (and everyone else in your life) short.

6. Follow my advice in #2 above and make some friends. That way, when you get old, you won't have to rely on your adult children to keep you company out of obligation - you will actually have people who voluntarily hang out with you (and really, isn't that more rewarding?) - people to share your life with, to do fun things with, to talk with. Can't bear the thought of not having children around at Christmas time? Invite your friends and family over. Most of them probably have kids - make it a big party! Better yet, adopt a needy family and shop 'till your heart's delight. There is certainly no shortage of kids who would be thrilled to receive Christmas gifts.

7. Have an affair. Develop a drug or drinking problem. Max out all the credit cards. Develop a gambling problem. I mean, come on. If you have to add "challenge my marriage to see how strong it is" to a list of reasons having kids is so wonderful, you're really stretching. This is a minus, not a plus. I am very happy not knowing my marriage's stress threshold, thank you very much.

Edited to Add: I just remembered that my very first post on this blog was about holding onto your inner child. Very relevant to this post.

Even in the Animal Kingdom (Motherhood is a Pain in the Ass)

Hubby and I just got back from a week-long vacation camping at Assateague State Park in Maryland. For those of you who have never heard of Assateague, it's a state park that is located on a barrier island, so we were camping on the beach all week. Heaven!

There's plenty of beautiful wildlife at Assateague, the star attraction being the wild ponies that inhabit the island. Of course, it being the shore, there are also plenty of seagulls, and those of you who have had experiences with seagulls know that they are adorable, but they can sometimes be annoying.

Every morning, all morning long, there was this annoying, loud, relentless screeching like nails on a chalkboard coming from the dune behind our campsite. Upon closer inspection I observed that it was the sound of a baby seagull screeching for food from its mother. The baby was almost as big as the mother, and able to fly, but apparently he was still dependent on his mother for feedings. All morning long he would stand right next to her, pace in circles around her, while loudly screeching in her face, demanding food from his mother. The mother gull would try to ignore him, or occasionally (we observed) try to get away from him. We never did see her feed the baby, but she did seem to be annoyed by him (or maybe we were just projecting?)

Hubby and me just had to laugh. Even in the animal kingdom, motherhood is a royal pain-in-the-ass.

Childfree and Painting the World Green

Global warming sucks. Every time I turn on the news, it seems there is yet more bad news about the state of our planet: the melting of ice caps, the warming of our climate, the rising of sea levels, the predictions of entire shorelines being washed away in the not-too-distant future (there go my trips to the Maryland shore) - non-stop doom and gloom. It is so depressing, that I confess...when I come across news on this issue, I turn the page, or turn off the television. I feel anxious and helpless. I do what I can to save energy and to live as green as I can, but I am not kidding myself. How much difference can one person really make?

Well, according to a new study from statisticians at Oregon State University, apparently I make a big difference, simply because I am childfree.

The carbon legacy and greenhouse gas impact of an extra child is almost 20 times more important than some of the other environmentally sensitive practices people might employ their entire lives – things like driving a high mileage car, recycling, or using energy-efficient appliances and light bulbs.

In other words, a typical American who tries to live as green as possible - driving a fuel-efficient car, recycling, using efficient light bulbs, using energy-saving appliances, etc. - undoes the positive impact of his green efforts 40 times over by having 2 children - increasing his carbon footprint 40 times.

The researchers smartly point out that curbing population growth is rarely addressed in discussions about climate change:

In this debate, very little attention has been given to the overwhelming importance of reproductive choice...When an individual produces a child – and that child potentially produces more descendants in the future – the effect on the environment can be many times the impact produced by a person during their lifetime.

Under current conditions in the U.S., for instance, each child ultimately adds about 9,441 metric tons of carbon dioxide to the carbon legacy of an average parent –about 5.7 times the lifetime emissions for which, on average, a person is responsible.

While the researchers do not advocate for government regulation of reproduction, they do hope to educate people on the environmental consequences of reproducing.

Some people who are serious about wanting to reduce their 'carbon footprint' on the Earth have one choice available to them that may yield a large long-term benefit - have one less child.

I'll take it a step further. Consider not having any children at all and you'll really do the Earth a big favor.

(Thank you Amy and CFVixen for forwarding me this study).

On the Radio!

Guess who was on the radio yesterday? Yours truly! Canadian radio host, Laurie Langcastor of CJOB-68 in Manitoba interviewed me yesterday on her live afternoon radio show. The interview was about the choice to be childfree and also about my Childfreedom blog.

The station is supposed to send me an MP3 soon so I can post it here. In the meantime, you can listen to it by following these instructions:

Go to:
CJOB's Audio Vault

Select:
August 12, 2009
3:00 p.m.

When the Windows Media screen comes up, slide the little blue bar right below the screen to 27:39. This will take you to the beginning of my interview.

Let me know what you think.

The Selfish Assumption

CFVixen sent me an interesting article on CNN.com entitled What's so Wrong with Being Selfish? The author of the article defends childfree folks against the accusations that we are selfish with this simple argument, "Yeah, we're selfish. So what?" She wants people to get over the fact that childfree folks are out having fun instead of suffering at home wiping runny noses and poopy asses. Live and let live.

I know the author means well and I generally like the article, however, I do have a bone to pick. She declares that childfree folks are selfish (a very tired stereotype), the underlying assumption being that parents are not. This is where I take issue with this article and if I have to keep arguing this point over and over like a broken record, I will. Parents are just as selfish as childfree folks. Can anyone see this besides me? Parents don't have children so they can toil, suffer and sacrifice. They choose to have kids for the joys they believe they will get out of it. Childfree folks choose to live a life sans children for the same desire to live a joyful life. We all want to be happy and joyful and we pursue the life that we believe will make us feel that way. Pursuing a happy life is not selfish, it's just the point of living. Why would someone want to pursue a life that didn't make them happy?

However, despite the fact that both childfree folks and parents live the way they do because they are in pursuit of a happy life, the two groups are judged very differently. Parents are ascribed positive traits - giving, caring and selfless, while the childfree are called selfish. And why? Because people who have kids have to trudge through a boatload of misery to obtain the joy and happiness they seek, whereas childfree folks sail effortlessly to their goals.

If pursuing a happy life is selfish, then parents are at least as selfish as childfree folks, if not more. What could be more selfish and narcissistic than bringing another child into an already overpopulated world when there are so many homeless orphans clamoring for loving homes? What could be more selfish than creating a little mini-me (instead of adopting) because you want a little replica of yourself? What could be more selfish than wanting someone who needs you, who depends on you, who looks up to you, who you can mold and shape into what you want so you can feel good about yourself? What could be more selfish than creating a human being so that you can add some meaning to your life? Or so you can live vicariously through her? What could be more selfish than bringing another consumer into a world whose resources are growing more scarce by the day?

Need I go on?

Childfree folks are always, automatically assumed to be selfish, even by people who should know better (like the childfree author of the article in question), while the parents are selfish angle almost never gets explored. Frankly, I am tired of it. So I am going to keep exploring it and exploring it even if I have to beat it like a dead horse. Yes, childfree folks live fun lives and everyone should get over it. But don't exclaim "yeah, I'm selfish - get over it" unless you also exclaim, "and you're selfish too". The truth is, we're happy living our fun childfree lives and we hope you're happy living your life of ass and nose wiping. To each his own.

And then, there's this final point: I may not be wiping noses and asses all day long, but that doesn't mean my life revolves only around myself or that it's all about me. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunt, a friend, a companion of house cats, and an employee. In each of these roles I am devoted, caring, committed and engaged and I give of myself every day. To label me selfish because I have declined to participate in one specific type of caring role - the parental role - is ludicrous. It is akin to calling someone a picky eater because they don't like Hamburger Helper, even though they eat everything else in the cupboard.

The Story for Today

Here's the story for today: a cab driver drives a family home from the airport and the couple leaves their 5 year old child in the cab. Guess who the finger of blame gets pointed at? You guessed it - the CABBIE!

Read the full story here.

Message to Parents: NOBODY CARES

Here's a question for the parents out there. What makes you think we are interested in hearing every single detail of your child's life? Here are the Facebook updates posted by an aquaintance (former co-worker) of mine over the last couple weeks. She obviously has no life (or no interests in anything) other than her baby.

7/28: "Taking Baby Joey on his morning walk."

7/27: "Had a nice weekend with family and friends. Now playing with Baby Joey."

7/25: Posts photo album of Baby Joey.

7/25: Posts photo album of kids eating dinner.

7/25: "Going to see the Johnsons with Baby Joey."

7/25: "Time for morning walk with Baby Joey."

7/24: "Poor Baby Joey has 5 teeth coming in at the same time and he is not feeling well."

7/23: "Getting ready to take Baby Joey for his 9 month check-up."

7/21: "The night before job interview and Baby Joey is teething and up all night. Tylenol has failed us LOL"

7/20: Posts photo album of Baby Joey in swimming pool

7/21: "Sleep is over-rated."

7/19: "Playing with Baby Joey."

7/18: Posts photo album of kids (and yes, Baby Joey)

7/18: "4 a.m. wake-up call is better than 3 a.m."

7/17: "Is it worth buying Baby Joey a new toy when all he does is play with the box?"

7/15: "is chanting please baby sleep through the night prayer LOL"

7/11: Posts photo album of Baby Joey.

7/11: "Baby Joey enjoyed his early morning nature walk."

Does anyone really CARE about this stuff? I wonder what people would think of me if I posted similar updates about my cat?

7/27: "Tabby is enjoying having her ears scratched."

7/26: "Scooping out Tabby's litter box. Man, how is it possible to poop out 20 pounds when you only eat 2?"

7/26: "Giving Tabby her morning love snuggle."

7/25: "Took Tabby out on the lawn with her cat leash. She looks so adorable in it!"

7/24: "Tabby saw a rabbit in the yard today. She was licking her chops."

7/23: "Got home 1 hour late from work and Tabby gave me the cold shoulder. I think she's mad at me."

7/22: "Tabby ate too much and puked all over the kitchen floor."

7/20: "Taking Tabby for her bi-annual vet check-up."

7/19: "Tabby didn't snuggle with me last night. My feelings are hurt."

7/18: "Hubby says Tabby loves him the best. I think she loves me more."

7/17: "Gave Tabby a good brushing this morning. Man, she's really shedding!"

7/15: Posts photo album of Tabby rolling on the lawn

7/14: "Tabby's gut is getting bigger. I think she needs to go on a kitty diet."

7/13: Post photo album of Tabby lounging on the couch.

7/12: "Tabby's back right leg is twitching and I am concerned."

7/11: "Tried a new brand of cat food this morning. Tabby turned her nose up at it."

Are you asleep yet?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Childfree Assumptions & Stereotypes that (Usually) are Wrong

One of the things that can be annoying about being a childfree individual (or couple) is the host of automatic assumptions that are made the second someone finds out you don't want kids. So today, I thought I would address these stereotypes.

1. Childfree people are child haters: While certainly a percentage of childfree people do not like children, for many childfree folks, this assumption is not true. There are plenty of childfree folks (including myself) who like children, work with children, donate to children's charities, enjoy their time with nieces, nephews and friends' children, but simply have no desire to undertake the parental lifestyle and all the burden that comes with it.

2. Childfree people are selfish and their lives revolve only around themselves: If I had a dollar for every time this assumption is made, I'd be a rich woman. The idea that a childfree person's life is all about themself is completely false. Childfree individuals do not live an isolated life inside a bubble. We are spouses, significant others, sons and daughters, grandsons and granddaughters, uncles and aunts, devoted friends, pet companions, employees and volunteers. The idea that the only way to be other-people-centered is to have a child is nothing short of ridiculous.

3. Childfree people are rich hedonists: Sure, because we don't have kids, we generally have more disposible income and more free time to do the things we enjoy than our child-encumbered peers, but I don't know many childfree folks who are throwing money around like it grows on trees, or spending their days prancing around naked at Club Med. We're struggling through the same recession as everyone else, we have rents, mortgages and bills to pay just like people with kids and only in our fantasies do we have unlimited vacation time.

4. Childfree people have no lives, or empty lives: In response to this assumption, I'd like to quote the very wise and eloquent Sharla, one of the women I interviewed for my masters thesis, because she really hit the nail on the head: "Yet another misconception is that childfree people lead empty, sad, lonely lives; we are missing out on children, and every adult's life should revolve around children. Because parents' lives are so wrapped up in their children (since children require constant time and attention) they feel as though a person whose life is not run by children would just have a big, empty space inside it. Of course, what they do not realize is that that space is filled up with things they have lost: friendships, hobbies, education, personal time, and career. Our lives are not empty; they are filled with the very same things parents give up before their lives become child-centered."

5. Childfree people are cold, unfeeling, uncaring, immature, underdeveloped human beings: Sadly, the erroneous notion persists that the only way to be a fully developed, productive, self-realized adult is to have children. In fact, often the opposite is true. Because childfree folks are not tethered to incessant demands on their time and energy (by children), they can devote more of their time to pursuing activities that enrich their personal growth and self-actualization, for example education, spiritual pursuits, civic involvement, charitable activities and substantial, meaningful personal relationships. Parents often have to toss these things by the wayside for many years on end just to keep up with parental demands.

6. Childfree people are lost, confused souls who don't know what's important in life: We know what's important in life. It just may be different than what's important in a parent's life. Most childfree people have come to their decision after very thoughtful deliberation and in many cases, have put more thought into the having-a-child decision than many parents who enter into it mindlessly simply because it's what's expected of them. While folks are busy piting us for how confused and lost we are, we're busy enjoying the fabulous lives we've thoughtfully designed for ourselves, most of which would not be possible with children. We often find ourselves pitying the parents we know who have sacrificed so much of themselves (and their lives) at the altar of childrearing.

7. Women who choose not to have children are career-hungry: While it's true that childfree women have a clear advantage over moms in the workplace, since they are fully present in their jobs and not constantly being whisked away by maternity leave, problems at home, sick children, etc., career is only one of a myriad of reasons women choose not to have children. It is erroneous to assume that because a woman chooses not to have children, that she must be obsessed with her career. There's a whole lot more to life than children and career and childfree folks embrace all of it.

8. Childfree people are not parent material: Of course if a person does not want to have children, she should not be a parent. But the assumption that childfree people are automatically not parent material is false. Many childfree people would make terrific parents if they chose that route, but they instead choose to do other things with their lives. For example, I am really good with kids, I like kids and they gravitate to me. People have constantly told me I'd make a great mom. But liking kids and being good with them is one thing. Choosing to be a parent is a whole 'nother bag o'worms. I like dogs too, but I choose not to have them because of the impact they would have on our lifestyle.

Can you think of other childfree assumptions and stereotypes that we need to address? If so, please post a comment...