The Selfish Assumption

CFVixen sent me an interesting article on CNN.com entitled What's so Wrong with Being Selfish? The author of the article defends childfree folks against the accusations that we are selfish with this simple argument, "Yeah, we're selfish. So what?" She wants people to get over the fact that childfree folks are out having fun instead of suffering at home wiping runny noses and poopy asses. Live and let live.

I know the author means well and I generally like the article, however, I do have a bone to pick. She declares that childfree folks are selfish (a very tired stereotype), the underlying assumption being that parents are not. This is where I take issue with this article and if I have to keep arguing this point over and over like a broken record, I will. Parents are just as selfish as childfree folks. Can anyone see this besides me? Parents don't have children so they can toil, suffer and sacrifice. They choose to have kids for the joys they believe they will get out of it. Childfree folks choose to live a life sans children for the same desire to live a joyful life. We all want to be happy and joyful and we pursue the life that we believe will make us feel that way. Pursuing a happy life is not selfish, it's just the point of living. Why would someone want to pursue a life that didn't make them happy?

However, despite the fact that both childfree folks and parents live the way they do because they are in pursuit of a happy life, the two groups are judged very differently. Parents are ascribed positive traits - giving, caring and selfless, while the childfree are called selfish. And why? Because people who have kids have to trudge through a boatload of misery to obtain the joy and happiness they seek, whereas childfree folks sail effortlessly to their goals.

If pursuing a happy life is selfish, then parents are at least as selfish as childfree folks, if not more. What could be more selfish and narcissistic than bringing another child into an already overpopulated world when there are so many homeless orphans clamoring for loving homes? What could be more selfish than creating a little mini-me (instead of adopting) because you want a little replica of yourself? What could be more selfish than wanting someone who needs you, who depends on you, who looks up to you, who you can mold and shape into what you want so you can feel good about yourself? What could be more selfish than creating a human being so that you can add some meaning to your life? Or so you can live vicariously through her? What could be more selfish than bringing another consumer into a world whose resources are growing more scarce by the day?

Need I go on?

Childfree folks are always, automatically assumed to be selfish, even by people who should know better (like the childfree author of the article in question), while the parents are selfish angle almost never gets explored. Frankly, I am tired of it. So I am going to keep exploring it and exploring it even if I have to beat it like a dead horse. Yes, childfree folks live fun lives and everyone should get over it. But don't exclaim "yeah, I'm selfish - get over it" unless you also exclaim, "and you're selfish too". The truth is, we're happy living our fun childfree lives and we hope you're happy living your life of ass and nose wiping. To each his own.

And then, there's this final point: I may not be wiping noses and asses all day long, but that doesn't mean my life revolves only around myself or that it's all about me. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunt, a friend, a companion of house cats, and an employee. In each of these roles I am devoted, caring, committed and engaged and I give of myself every day. To label me selfish because I have declined to participate in one specific type of caring role - the parental role - is ludicrous. It is akin to calling someone a picky eater because they don't like Hamburger Helper, even though they eat everything else in the cupboard.

The Shape of a Mother

Here's a pro-mommy web site that has an interesting slant. It's mission is to expose the reality of mothers' bodies (i.e. stretch marks, tummy blubber, sagging boobs, overweight, etc.) so that other mommies (who are suffering with the same disfigurements) can see that said disfigurements are normal. The web site author's dream is to create a site where post-baby bodies can be celebrated and "cherished" because they've "done so much for the human race".

So how it works is that moms with stretch marks, sagging breasts, etc. send the author naked photos of themselves (and accompanying stories of the body issues they're dealing with due to having children) which are then posted on the web site so that other moms with the same disfigurements can see them and feel comforted that they are not alone in having these body issues. Sagging breasts, tummy blubber, overweight and stretch marks are normal and beautiful.

Although not meant to be, this odd little website is a reinforcement to childfreedom, graphically demonstrating two of The Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids (and Remain Childfree):

18. You will have the time and energy to exercise regularly and take care of your health and appearance.

30. You will be better able to retain your youthfulness and sex appeal
because your body will not be ravaged by childbearing and a crappy diet.

While not a childfree site by any means, The Shape of a Mother web site does a service to all women (mothers and non-mothers alike) by showing what pregnancy and childbirth really do to women's bodies. Honest depictions of the ravages of childbearing are hard to come by in a culture which glorifies and glamorizes pregnancy and motherhood. Turn on the television or look in any women's or celebrity magazine and these are the types of unrealistic fantasy images you will see of pregnant and post-pregnant bodies:

And then we have the reality of real women's pregnant and post-pregnant bodies - women like your friends and family members who do not have the luxury of air brushing, stylists, personal trainers, plastic surgery and dieticians:

So thank you, The Shape of a Mother, for reminding me of one of the many blessings of being childfree. You didn't mean to do it, but you just provided me with a big dose of gratefulness for the life (and body) I have chosen.

Childfree Celebrity Spotlight: Kim Cattrall

Like most people, actress Kim Cattrall assumed she would have children - that's just what everyone does, right? But when she gave it some thought, she realized motherhood wasn't for her, and she's vocal about being happy with her childfree life. From an interview posted on Oprah.com:

"I always assumed that like my mother before me, one day I would have children. When I was 5, my fantasy was to have a hundred dogs and a hundred kids. In my middle to late 30s, when most of my girlfriends were married and having babies, I wasn't having any luck finding a partner. If I was going to have children, I realized I should think about doing it on my own. I was feeling both the social pressures and my own biological clock ticking. And I felt somewhat cavalier: I could raise children by myself; how hard could it be? My mother raised four kids, and mostly without a husband.

I also thought that without having children, I'd be missing something unique to being female. It's incredible that the female body has such power—the gift of giving life. I wanted to know that power and fall in "unconditional love" with a child. No one could ever describe that love to me except to say, "It'll happen to you when you see your baby in your arms."

I made inquiries through my ob-gyn about sperm banks. Four folders arrived at my house with selections of sperm donors, including each donor's eye color, SAT scores, religion, athletic abilities, and hobbies. This catalog was a smorgasbord of DNA choices. I could construct any number of possible physical combinations for my child…except for her to be the product of a union with someone I loved.

When I feel lost and can't make a decision, I just stop and get quiet. I take a time-out. I ask myself, "How does this feel? What do I want my life to be like?" I try not to listen to the shoulds or coulds, and try to get beyond expectations, peer pressure, or trying to please—and just listen. I believe all the answers are ultimately within us. When I answered those questions regarding having children, I realized that so much of the pressure I was feeling was from outside sources, and I knew I wasn't ready to take that step into motherhood.

Since then I've found other ways to fulfill my maternal instincts—when a young actress comes to me for advice about her career, or when I give a talk at a school, babysit my friends' kids, or work with children's charities or organizations. And even though I'm now married, my decision still stands.

My newest projects sometimes feel like my children. When my husband, Mark, and I wrote our book, the time, energy, and love we put into it felt very much like parenting. And when we finally dropped the book off at the publisher, it was as if we were taking our child to the first day of nursery school—we were so proud and so nervous.

Being a biological mother just isn't part of my experience this time around. However, I am a mother who continues to give birth to ideas and ways of experiencing life that challenge the norm. My foundation is me. I follow life's changes, continue with my time-outs, and remain curious about what's next."

In an interview in The Advocate, Cattrall said:

"I'm a woman of a certain age who doesn't have kids and never really settled down... I enjoy kids but not for long periods. I think they're adorable and funny and sweet, and then I have a headache."

Want to see what other celebrities are childfree by choice? Check out my list and be sure to let me know if you learn of others so I can be sure to add them!

A Closer Look at Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and across the nation, women are being worshipped and showered with love, praise, attention and gifts for no other reason than for the fact that they reproduced.

This has me thinking. Why is parenthood the only role that gets honored with a special holiday? I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunt, a friend, an employee and the caretaker of 3 cats, and yet none of these roles has been deemed worthy for me to get a national holiday. Okay, I do get honored on my wedding anniversary, but that's by hubby only. There is no national holiday called "Wife's Day".

The idea behind Mother's Day and Father's Day is that moms and dads deserve to be honored because their role is the ultimate in sacrifice. They do so much for us that we must show our appreciation. A national holiday is in order.

I don't think anyone would disagree that parents do so much for their kids (if they are parenting correctly, anyway) but here's my question. Why should a person be honored and worshipped for taking care of their responsibilities? A person makes the choice to reproduce and bring another person into the world, so shouldn't it be expected that they will take care of the being they produced? It's not some heroic act of charity and kindness that propels them into caring for their children - it's duty. Do they really deserve a national holiday to thank them for meeting their responsibilities? We have 3 cats who we chose to bring into our household, so we take care of them. I feed them twice a day, hubby cleans their litterboxes and we give them lots of love and attention every day. This is the responsibility that comes along with having pets and we knew this going in. We chose to have them, so we must take care of them properly. That makes us responsible. It doesn't make us saintly or deserving of a national holiday to celebrate the wonderfulness that is the pet owner.

It all comes back to the persistent mythology in our culture which defines parenthood as the most saintly, selfless and important role a person can undertake in life. Because it often does not feel that way to parents (many of them are miserable, run down by the day-to-day grind of caring for kids, and know their motives for having kids were selfish and not saintly), this positive reinforcement is necessary to sustain the mythology, thus ensuring that more and more people breed and bring more and more consumers into the world who will eventually purchase lots and lots of stuff (Mother's Day cards and gifts, for example).

Daddy Post-Partum Depression

Browsing through the April 18, 2009 issue of Newsweek today, I came upon an article entitled, Slouching Toward Fatherhood, yet another father's account of how becoming a dad wrecked his marriage and to some degree, his life.

There are a couple of things I find interesting about this. First, the fact that more and more of these types of articles are popping up is intriguing. Do you think it's possible that society is starting to catch on that parenthood is unrealistically glorified? The fact that magazines and news shows are even touching material like with some frequency tells you something. Could it be that childfreedom is on its way out of the margins and into the mainstream? Do you think it's possible that in our lifetime we will no longer be counterculture?

The second thing I find interesting about this article is the ending. As I was reading it, I was thinking, yeah this is brutally honest but watch - it'll end with some sappy sentimentality about how when all is said and done, fatherhood is really wonderful, the best part of life and so worth it, and what a better man he is because of it. Well, I wasn't completely off - the ending does have bit of pro-fatherhood sentiment to it, but I was surprised at how understated it was. It left a feeling akin to a half inflated balloon - definitely a far cry from the resounding, affirming endorsement of parenthood we usually get at the end of articles like this.

Now, on a down note - if you can stomach it, read the comments posted below the Newsweek article and you'll get a harsh blast back to reality. Mean people suck.

Happiness & Parenthood: An Expert's View

From the Sydney Morning Herald:

Parenthood doesn't lead to joy: expert

May 8, 2008 -

Marriage will make you happy, and money won't hurt. But if you're seeking joy in your life it's probably best not to have children, a Harvard academic has told a Sydney conference.

The troika of experiences is conventionally considered to be the cornerstone of happiness, but such thinking does not stand up to scientific scrutiny, Harvard University psychology professor Daniel Gilbert says. According to the scientific and economic research, only marriage proved to be a constant source of joy. "Figures show that married people are in almost every way happier than unmarried people -whether they are single, divorced, cohabiting," he told the Happiness and its Causes conference at Darling Harbour. "Married people live longer, married people earn more money per capita, married people have more sex and enjoy it more. "Married people seem to be happier on every dimension that you can imagine."

Money, he said, could buy you happiness - just not as much happiness as people think. "Money buys you a lot of happiness first and then it buys you less and less - every dollar buys you less happiness as the dollar before, and you reach a point where money is doing almost nothing for your happiness," he said. "But it's never the case that more money makes you sadder. If you get millions and millions you never get depressed about it."

The happiness people gained from money was only relative, he said. Having money only makes a difference if we have more money than the next person. "If all of us double our income tomorrow we might as well have not have had an increase in income at all," he said.

Professor Gilbert left the sacred cow of parenthood for last, saying that despite the belief children were the apples of our eyes, they actually had a negative impact on happiness. The more kids you have, the sadder you are likely to be, he said. US and European studies over the past 10 to 15 years showed people's happiness did spike while they were expecting a baby, but it sharply plummeted after the child was born.

The nadir of people's happiness came when children reached the ages of 12-16, and only recovered when they had flown the coop, he said. "In reality ... children do seem to increase happiness as long as you're expecting them, but as soon as you have them, trouble sets in," he said. "People are extremely happy before they have children and then their happiness goes down, and it takes another big hit when kids reach adolescence.

"When does it come back to it's original baseline? Oh, about the time the children grow up and go away."

Explaining why the statistics conflicted with most people's view of parenthood, Prof Gilbert made the unusual comparison to buying a pair of Armani socks. "When people own Armani socks they can't stop telling you they are the best socks, the most amazing socks," he said. "(But) I suspect that one of the reasons that people who own Armani socks think they are wonderful is because they have paid $US85 ($A90.30) for a pair.

"The psychologists tell us that we like things more when we pay for them - what does that sound like? It sounds like children. "We pay for them in time, attention, blood, sweat and tears - what kind of idiots would we be to devote all of that to the rearing of our young if they'd didn't bring us some happiness?"

The fact that parenthood crowds out all other things in life could explain why we consider children as our greatest source of joy, he said. "Parents tell me all the time that: 'My child is my greatest source of joy'," he said. "My reply is that: 'Yes, when you have one source of joy, it's bound to be your greatest'.

__________________________________________

Interesting post-script to this article: Dr. Gilbert is a parent.

Let the Sunshine In

For a fun change of pace today, I thought I would tell you about our vacation, and share some photos with you! Sure, it's a little off-topic from the childfree issue, but not really if you think about it. What do childfree people like to do with all their free time, anyway? TRAVEL! Well, at least that's what we like to do! Besides, this cranky blog needs to be aired out, so let's let some sunshine in!

On Sunday, May 4th we departed from the port of Miami. It was a beautiful day!

Our cruise was on the Carnival Victory. I have to admit we were a little leary about taking a Carnival cruise. We're big fans of the Celebrity line...we love the "chill" vibe on Celebrity, the casual elegance, the gourmet food and restrained decor. And we knew about Carnival's reputation for being all about partying, Las Vegas glitz and tackiness. Nothing wrong with any of this, but for hubby and me, vacation is all about unwinding and relaxing. But the price was right, and so was the itinerary, so we decided to give it a whirl. After all, it would be pretty difficult for a cruise to be BAD, right?!

The ship had a total of three pools - a huge pool area with 2 pools in the center of the ship with a water slide (fun!) but the music and sun were BLARING in this part of the ship, not to mention the 2,000,000 decibel PA system when they would have silly pool games (Hairy Chest Contest anyone?), so hubby and me spent our time in the back pool area most of the week where it was a bit more quiet.









Our cabin was a cool and peaceful retreat from the hot sun and general excitement around the rest of the ship. Oh and the bed was SOOO comfy and had these delicious high thread count Egyptian sheets and comforter that felt like a cloud against our skin.

Every evening when we'd come back from dinner and entertainment, our bed would be turned down with an adorable towel animal left on the bed. Every day it was a different animal.

One of the great (and surprising) things about this cruise was our dinner tablemates. On most cruises, guests are assigned seating with other guests and you never know who your tablemates will be. I have to admit, I was worried about who we might get stuck with. Surpringly, though, we got seated with 3 other couples who we instantly hit it off with! They were all fun, down-to-earth, intelligent and happy people. Even better, 2 of the 3 couples were childfree by choice (which probably explains why they were so happy)! Can you believe it? What are the odds?

Our first port of call was Cozumel, Mexico. We've been there a few times before, so we were already familiar with the island. Our goal was to plant ourselves on a beautiful beach for the day. Our plan was to visit Palancar Beach, which we had not been to before, but which was highly recommended on the travel discussion boards. When we got there, though, at 8:50 a.m. they were not yet open, so we asked the driver to take us to Mr. Sancho's Beach. That's where we spent the entire day. It couldn't be more beautiful.

Afterwards, we had lunch at our favorite Cozumel restaurant, Pancho's Backyard. They make awesome quacamole and margaritas!

Back to the ship...I must mention that the food on the Carnival ship was surpringly good considering they feed about 3,000 people! I had expected diner quality food at best, but was delighted by the very good food, especially at dinner. I'd go as far as saying it APPROACHED gourmet. Not quite, but heading in that direction. My favorite thing at dinner was a dessert called, "Chocolate Melting Cake". Yes, it's one of those brownie like cakes that has a rich, warm chocolate oozing center when you spoon into it. Oh man, it was like chocolate crack and I can tell you that my evening routine of eating this confection has gone straight to my hips!

Our second port was Grand Cayman. The last time we visited Grand Cayman (on a previous cruise), we went to Stingray City which was one of the most exciting things we have ever done. This time, again, our goal was just to find a beautiful beach to plant ourselves on. We spent the day at Seven Mile Beach and sat in front of the Westin Casumarina Hotel where it was very quiet and uncrowded.

The Westin Beach Nazis chased us off their chairs, though, and later chased us off their beach and made us move down close to the water, off the hotel's beach property. I guess since we were not paying $700/night for a room we were not high-falutin' enough to enjoy of a spot on their beach. Anyway, we didn't let it faze us. How can you be upset when you are on a beach like this?

After a long day on the beach, we walked back to the ship. It was a LONG, scorching hot walk but we needed the exercise to work off the aforementioned chocolate melting cake. On our way back, we passed a cemetary which I thought made an interesting foreground to our ship anchored off shore.

Our last port of call was Ocho Rios, Jamaica. This is another port we have been to before and done the requisite Dunns River Falls and island tour. This time we again made our way to a quiet, beautiful beach to relax and unwind. I had done some research on-line and Reggae Beach was recommended to me. It was great because for the first 2 hours or so we were there, nobody was there except for a couple workers. By the time we left, there were only about 10 people using the beach. Just what the doctor ordered!

Despite having fairly low expectations for this cruise, we were delighted by how much fun we had. The icing on the cake was that at the end of the cruise, I ended up in a big show on the ship. All during the week in the karaoke bar they were auditioning guests to appear in this big show on the last night of the cruise. I won the part of Aretha Franklin and did "Respect" in full costume on the big stage with the band and the full shebang. I am glad the group of our cruise friends talked me into it because at first I was reluctant. I am a singer and have been in bands in my younger days - I even used to sing "Respect" back then. But the song is a little more challenging for my rusty voice and it's not an easy song to sing, period. But they reminded me that nobody on this cruise will ever see me again so what the heck! So I did it and it turned out to be one of the highlights of the cruise...it was so much fun to go backstage with the dancers, get fitted for my costume, wear that silly black wig, and to perform in front of an audience of hundreds of people. We got so many laughs out of it too.

So there you have it - the highlights of our Caribbean cruise. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program...

In the Thick of It

Yesterday, on our way home from a much-needed vacation, hubby and I had several hours to kill before we needed to catch our flight so we paid a visit to one of his closest friends, Brian. He lives several states away from us, so we don't get to see him that often. It's a real treat when we get to spend time with him. In the past five years he has gotten married to a woman who has a child from a previous marriage and they also now have 2 of their own - one is a year old, the other is 3.

This was the first time meeting Brian's wife, Helena and their children. I was looking forward to meeting them, especially because Helena has been very thoughtful over the past few years about sending letters and photos and her letters always have this really friendly, upbeat tone. I expected we would hit it off fabulously (because, you may be surprised to learn, I am a pretty upbeat person myself).

Well, meeting the children was a delight (they are all adorable), but I can't say the same for Helena. We spent about 7 hours visiting them and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that for 7 hours straight Helena bitched and complained about every minute aspect of being a mother and about what a slouch Brian is with parenting and around the house. I thought this was an odd and inappropriate way to behave around someone she was just meeting. She was constantly rolling her eyes and sighing, nitpicking at the children, criticizing and demeaning Brian. She and I sat and talked for awhile and among other things, she complained about how she has no life anymore - her entire being revolves around endless caretaking of the kids, how exhausted she is all the time - how she would kill for just one full night's sleep, how she has no social life anymore or adult interaction, how they never go out anywhere (neither of their parents are interested in babysitting), how they have no money, how she has asked herself many times, "is this all there is?". I observed her closely as she interacted with the children to try to detect any moments of joy on her face and honestly, in the 7 hours we were there I saw about 3 fleeting smiles at the kids. The rest of the time she was miserable and complaining. The 1 year old was crawling around picking stuff off the floor and eating it (God knows what it was she was eating) and Helena snorted "yeah, I'm so OVER it. A little dirt and germs won't kill her."

I felt uncomfortable there because I felt we were putting her out. I got the feeling she would rather be napping instead of being with us. In fact, she kept complaining so much about how tired she was, I told her to go ahead and take a nap - that we wouldn't be offended, so she did. Unfortunately, she woke up from her nap just as miserable as ever.

After about the 6th hour of listening to her bitch and moan, I decided to try out my famous question on her - you know, the "knowing what you know now about parenthood, if you came back in another life would you choose it again?" she answered an emphatic YES. I was so stunned, I was speechless. I definitely expected a "no way" from this one. Looking back, I wish I hadn't been speechless and would have asked her to elaborate.

Here's what is interesting to me: if parenthood is so wonderful, why are scenarios like this so common and why is it so rare to encounter mothers who look truly joyful with their children and appear to enjoy motherhood? Also, wouldn't it be reasonable to expect that the amount of talk concerning the joys of motherhood would far outweigh the bitching and complaining? This woman did not say ONE SINGLE POSITIVE THING about her children or about being a mother the entire 7 hours we were there. If being a mother is so rewarding and so great, shouldn't a mother look happy and joyful, at least SOME of the time? If all the sacrifice and burden of motherhood pales in comparison to the joy and rewards of parenthood, shouldn't we be able to see even a GLIMMER of that joy and reward when we watch mothers interact with their children? Believe me, I am watching for it because as you know, this is an endless source of fascination to me. I am constantly looking to prove myself wrong, but the mothers I meet do not allow me to do that. They simply confirm every observation I post in this blog...that the institution of motherhood is not the wellspring of joy and bliss it is promoted to be - it is a deceitful pool of quicksand.

The Blank Stare

For the childfree people who are reading this...I have a question for you. Have you ever gotten the blank stare when you tell people you do not wish to have kids (assuming you tell people that)? The blank stare can be decribed as a look of complete incomprehension and speechlessness, as though the person is being spoken to in a different language.

I was talking with my hubby the other night about the blank stare asking him to help me come up with a way to more accurately describe it. Calling it a blank stare just doesn't seem to do it justice.

Hubby nailed it. He said that the blank stare is similar to the look you might get if you said, "My wife and I don't eat food, we only drink water". I went a step further for humor's sake. I told hubby, "it's the look you would get if you said, 'yeah, my husband and I both have penises'". We both had a good chuckle over that one.

It's a look that conveys complete and utter incomprehension and complete and total cognitive disonnance. The concept simply cannot be absorbed and understood. The person hears what you are saying, and there's this burning smell as their mental wheels are spinning and their brains and doing flips to try to understand just what it is you are saying. They are looking right at you, but their face is completely emotionless and blank because they just aren't getting it.

I am simply fascinated by the fact that people can't wrap their minds around the fact that some people do not wish to have children. Why is it such an unfathomable concept? After all, anyone who has children knows that there's much more to it than puppies and rainbows. There's a hell of a lot of grunt work, misery and sacrifice involved - and in my estimation (and I am sure the estimation of most childfree people), the work and misery outweighs the puppies and rainbows. Knowing that, why is it THAT IMPOSSIBLE to imagine that some people would simply not be interested in all that grunt work, sacrifice and misery; that some people might simply find their life fulfiment in other pursuits, or judge the benefits to not be worth the sacrifices?

I don't find it shocking that people are judgemental of childfreedom, perceiving it to be an inferior lifestyle - after all, we all (hopefully) choose the lifestyle that we think is the best (I certainly think my childfree life is the best!), but to not even be able to comprehend another's lifestyle just intrigues me.

I ask myself if there are any alternative lifestyles that might render me equally speechless and in an utter state of incomprehension, and really, I don't think there are that many - at least not that many that we encounter in every day life. Maybe if somebody told me they like to skin humans and eat their body parts, or if somebody told me they liked to have sex with corpses, or enjoyed a steady diet of excrement-dipped insects. Those are pretty extreme and I can imagine possibly given those people the blank stare (before I ran away in horror). But harmless stuff like how many kids one chooses to have (or not have), sexual orientation or other life choices that really don't harm anyone wouldn't faze me at all or be incomprensible.

I don't think there is any lifestyle option that is absolutely, 100% set in stone required to make a person happy. Whatever floats your boat. The thing about having children, though, is that most people don't even perceive it as a lifestyle choice; they perceive it as a basic requirement like breathing or eating. It's something you don't think about, you don't decide, you don't elect. You simply do it because it has to be done.

But the thing is, it DOESN'T and I think the contemplation of that fact is what throws people for a serious loop.

When Child Stars Turn Piggy

Okay, I confess. Once in awhile I get sucked into reality television. This usually happens when I am on the couch, decompressing before my aforementioned nap and randomly flipping through the 200 channels of cable wasteland, desperately trying to find anything that remotely doesn't suck.

So yesterday, I was flipping and I came across a reality show starring Scott Baio. It's called Scott Baio is 45 and Single. Chachi all grown up!? That cute little thing?! Okay, okay, I got sucked in. Well, my excitement over sweet little Chachi didn't last long. He's still a cutie (on the outside at least), but I was dismayed to discover what a pig of a man Scott Baio has become. He's slept with (from what it sounds) hundreds of women and cheated on every woman he has ever had a serious relationship with (he talks about this openly in the show - in fact, the show revolves around his fear of marriage and commitment). Numerous times throughout the show he talks about women like slabs of meat, referring to their breasts as "racks". When he goes to a matchmaker and she asks him what he's looking for in a woman, his response is "blonde, nice ass, nice rack"... I guess personality, character and intelligence don't count for much as long as a woman looks like Pam Anderson. Not surprisingly, the friends who hang around with Scott on the show are pigs too (hey, they say you are who you associate with).

It's obvious where the show is leading the viewer. It's the classic coming of age story. They're going to turn the pig into a wholesome family man and we're all going to get warm and fuzzy watching the transformation of our adorable Chachi as he overcomes his pigdom and gets married. Oh, joy.

As the show goes on, and he begins to settle down with someone (who, not surpringly is blonde with a nice ass and "rack"), they start showing previews of season 2 and guess what it's called? Scott Baio is 45 and Pregnant. Pregnant!????!! Did I miss something? Did some medical miracle happen that allows men to get pregnant?

Anyway, of course this would be the logical next step - having a baby. This is what all filandering men who devalue and objectify women, cheat on their partners, are uneasy around children (during one scene he visits a day care center and is visibly discombobulated) and find it impossible to commit should aspire to! We need more fathers cut from this mold, setting the example for future generations. Are you freaking kidding me? First of all, with all respect to any filanderers who may be reading this, I am of the firm opinion that once a cheater, always a cheater and some people are simply not meant to get married. Scott obviously has deep-seated issues that have formed him into the person he is and it's clear as day that once a few years go by and the rack and ass on his Pambo look-alike start heading south and her blond tresses start to turn gray, he's out the door. And where does that leave the children?

This is my point. There are many people (like Scott) who are not family material. They are not fit get married, let alone have children, and yet our culture pushes the idea that everyone should get married and have kids - that everyone is fit to have kids - that getting married and having kids will magically transform even the slimiest snake into a wholesome family person - that getting married and having children makes one a better person. And people like Scott Baio and every other unthinking sap buy into it. It's a lie. Pigs don't turn into Prince Charming no matter how many matchmakers, therapists and life coaches they consult with. Women - even blonde ones with nice asses and racks - who marry pigs are doomed to eventually being treated like pigs themselves - yes, even by our cute little Chachi. Most importantly, contrary to the pronatalist messages of our culture, personal character and childrearing are not mutually exclusive. I can attest to this personally.

Napping in the New Year

It's been a wonderful week. I've been off from work since December 24th and don't have to go back until January 2nd. It feels so great to totally decompress, stay in my jammies all day, bake and - NAP!

Yes, one of the things I regularly enjoy on weekends - or in this case holiday vacations - is napping. I take nice, long 1-2 hour naps almost every day, snuggled on the couch in front of the fireplace nestled in my cozy down comforter. Ahhhhhh, bliss.

When I tell my childed friends and family about my naps, they usually let out a big sigh and then they tell me they rarely get a full night's sleep, let alone a nap! One of my close friends, whose second child was born in the summer, recently told me she hasn't had a full night's sleep since he was born! It shows. My friends with older kids are usually able to get a full-night's sleep (except on nights when the kids are sick), but forget napping. It just isn't feasible.

So on this day before New Year's Eve, I am raising a toast to all the wonderful things about being childfree, top among them the wonderful, rejuvenating nap!

No Wrinkles

Yesterday at work we had a pizza party baby shower for one of the pregnant co-workers I told you about in a previous post. So as I was eating pizza and making idle chit chat with 2 women who were sitting near me (both in their early 50's I would guess and both moms), one of them asked me the inevitable "children" question. It's funny....whenever the "children" question inevitably comes up when women are getting to know each other, the tone of the question makes it clear that what they really want to know is how old my kids are and what gender. In their wildest imaginings they never even consider that I might not have or want kids.

Over the years I have tried different responses to the "children" question and I have found that my favorite way to answer the question of whether I have kids is to reply, "yes, I have 3 boys" and then when they get all excited (as women always do), I quickly add, "cats". That always throws them off for a second and then makes them laugh and diffuses any potential discomfort they might feel in the face of a woman who dares to pass on motherhood.

One of the women, Maria, immediately asked, "so you're not married?" which struck me as both funny and a sad statement at the same time. "Oh yes, I'm married", I replied, " we just have chosen not to have kids." The other woman, Lauren's immediate reaction was "No WONDER you have no wrinkles!" It quickly became clear to me that Lauren was very interested in my choice and wanted to know more. As I told them more about our decision, our lifestyle and our perspectives on parenthood, I could see that Maria was looking at me with a bit of suspicion and Lauren seemed star-struck, nodding her head approvingly at everything I said and asking lots of follow-up questions.

As much as women are thrown for a loop when encountering a voluntarily childless woman, I must admit that I am equally thrown for a loop when I meet women who are mothers who enthusiastically respect and admire me for the lifestyle I have chosen. I'm always ready at a split second to get out the psychological armor to protect myself from the pity, the scorn and the judgement that inevitably comes when people learn of my lifestyle, so it is disarming to meet mothers who not only do not judge me harshly, but respect and admire me.

My Story

In thinking of the next topic to write about here, I realized that to date I have not shared my personal story with you. So sit back and relax and I will tell you all about how I came to be a happily childfree woman.

First of all, it is relevant to point out that I have always been an independent thinker and never one to automatically follow the crowd and be a conformist. As a child, I found it more fun to create my own board game than to play a manufactured game. As a teen, I chose not to "party" and was quite scornful of the majority my peers who abused their bodies and brains that way. Needless to say, this resulted in my being something of a loner - not by choice, mind you (because I am very outgoing and sociable person), but because it's hard to make friends when you're taking the opposite path of 95% of your peers and refusing to be a herd-following sheep. At any rate, it has always been more important to me to be true to myself than to be false just so I can fit in.

I've also always been a person who does not like to be "tied down". I never fared well with possessive or controlling men. I've never been a person who can tolerate being stuck in a situation where I am not in control of my own happiness and destiny. I've always seen life as something that I fully create, not something that happens to me.

As for the childfree decision, growing up, I looked at my parents' life and it didn't seem at all appealing to me -in fact, it repulsed me. They were very unhappily married, struggling financially and were overwhelmed with the responsibilities of work and family and trying to make ends meet. They fought over money a lot - in fact money was so tight that my mother frequently came to me to borrow my babysitting money just so she'd have enough money to keep gas in the car. My impression of them was that all they did was work and struggle. When I think back to my parents' days of raising children, I think any objective person would say that it was the least joyful period in their lives.

In addition to having financial troubles, my parents were clearly incompatible and an ill-suited match. It became apparent to me at a young age that had they not had children, they would have most certainly divorced early in their marriage. In fact, my mother told me (on more than one occasion), "If it wasn't for you kids, I would divorce your father". She meant this to be a loving statement - i.e. "I love you kids so much that I will suffer in a marriage that I desperately want out of" but the more salient message came across loud and clear, "you kids are what are standing between me and the life I really want. It is because of you that I am tied down in this miserable existence."

Is this the reason I chose to be childfree? If I had been raised in a happy, well-adjusted family where my parents loved being together and seemed joyful in raising a family would I have looked at the option of parenthood in a positive light? I often wonder about this. There's no doubt my childhood experiences and perceptions were powerful influencers on my thinking, but regardless of my upbringing, I am confident that I would have chosen the same childfree lifestyle. Why? It always comes down to this one fact - people with kids pay a very high price for their lifestyle, and I just don't see that they are any happier than I am. In fact, in most cases they seem less happy. Why would I choose a life that costs substantially more, but in most cases yields less?

When I look at the lives of family, friends, co-workers and acquaintences who have children, I see lives that are full of overwhelming responsibility. I see that (like my parents) they are frequently struggling to make ends meet. I see that they no longer have the time or money to go out to dinner, to travel, to pursue interests in hobbies, to go to school, to schedule outings with friends or even to have meaningful conversations with other adults. Their entire beings are consumed with childrearing and their lives appear to me to be 99% work and 1% fun. I sense that their marriages aren't passionate anymore with little quality time left for their spouses after all the childrearing chores are done. I see their involvement in the community and interest in world events has dissipated. They look tired and worn down. They look old for their ages. They look spent. While there is no doubt their children bring them joy, in my estimation the cost for that joy is so excessive, it just isn't worth it.

Of course, people with children will respond, "yes, of course it is worth it!" and maybe for them that is true. For me, though, having kids would most definitely not be worth losing (or even compromising) all those very important things. Perhaps my marriage, my friendships, my hobbies and interests, my educational pursuits, my interest in the world, my passion, my enjoyment of adult conversation, my love of travel, my need for personal space, and my health and fitness hold more importance to me than they do to other people. Maybe other people don't need those things to be happy. I do. When it's all said and done, if I want the benefits of kids in my life, I can easily get them from my nieces, nephews and friends' kids with almost no cost to my happiness.

Lucky for me, I met my soul mate at age 26 and even luckier for me, he is a person who shares my perspective in all the important areas of life, including the choice to be free of the burdens of childrearing. I count my lucky stars every day because I realize the miracle of an independent-thinking freespirit like myself finding any man I'd want to commit to for life, let alone a guy who knows that a very happy and fulfilling life can be created free of children.

How about you? Care to share your story? Please comment...

Kids' Impact on a Marriage - Right from the Mothers' Mouths

On a discussion board for women that I frequent (not related to the childfree issue), someone posted a poll. The question was "Are you happy in your marriage?" In addition to voting in the poll, some women posted comments too. Here are a few that I thought would be interesting to post here.

"We're in the empty nest phase and our marriage has become better than before, life is easier now... so much less complex.... compared to when we were raising children. Having young children was the hardest time. "

"I don't miss being single, though with an 11-month old, I do sometimes miss not being a mom! I love my baby, but arranging childcare is such a pain."

"Although I am happy in my marriage, it's not perfect. Most of our problems and stresses come from our three little kids. I love them with all my heart, but having small kids puts a lot of strain on a marriage, IMO. I think the only thing that keeps us from being blissfully happy together is having such minimal amount of time because of work and kids to do things together that we would like to do. My DH is a great husband, but it's been stressful on us lately with life being so hectic."

--------------------------------------------------------

If you'd like to read more from regretful parents, click here.

"You Just Make it Work"

Several times over the course of my childfree life, when listening to parents vent about how exhausted they are, how broke they are, how they are fighting with their spouse all the time and how their kids drive them crazy, I have been interested to see that I almost always get a the same response from them when I make this comment:

Me: "Man, I just don't know how you do it. The work, the expense, the lack of sleep, devoting your whole life to another person and giving up so much of your own life."

Parent: "I used to think the same thing. But somehow you just make it work."

So what is the parent really trying to convey? This is what I think they want me to believe:

"I used to be naive like you and think that having kids was so difficult, but the fact is, they are so rewarding that you will do anything in order to have them. All the stress and burden doesn't bother me a lick. It's so worth it!"

But if you scratch the surface, this is what I believe is really underneath:

"Yes, it's a hell-hole of a life for sure, but kids aren't returnable. I made my bed so I have to lie in it and I am dealing with that trauma the best I can. So I better convince myself (and everyone else) that I am making it work and that I can get through it and that it's all worth it. And while I am at it, misery loves company so I will try to convince you to undertake this lifestyle too!"

The fact is, whenever a parent says, "you just make it work" I sincerely have to scratch my head. Of course you just make it work! What choice do you have? I guess you could commit suicide, but otherwise you're stuck with it, right? If I had a child, I would make it work too. I'd have to. We'd probably have to sell the house and move someplace more affordable (to allow for all the extra expense of a child), I'd quit school (since pursuing a graduate degree is probably unrealistic for the mother of a small child). I'd cancel our upcoming vacation (since it doesn't seem practical to lug an infant to Tulum, Mexico and make it sleep in a tent on the beach). I'd probably stop exercising in the mornings (since mornings would be taken up with baby care, plus I'd probably have to turn the workout room into a nursery). The list goes on and on.

The point is, just because you can make a particular lifestyle work doesn't mean that lifestyle is one you should choose. It also doesn't mean that lifestyle is the optimal one for you and everyone else, and the one that will be the most fulfilling and enjoyable above all other lifestyles.

I didn't choose to parent. I also didn't choose to be a doctor, work for the Peace Corps, run for office, live in a city, own an SUV, write a book, or have a parrot as a pet, although I am sure these are considered excellent choices by many people.

What I did choose is to live a life that values freedom - freedom to create, to express, to explore, to love, to discover, to learn, to converse, to try new things, to think, to endeavor, to grow, to socialize, to rest, to aspire, to indulge, to dream, to introspect, to expand.

I have no doubt that I'd sacrifice most, if not all, of these freedoms to have kids and "make it work".

"That's Just What You Did"

Not long ago I was on television talking about being childfree. It happened last minute when someone I work with (who schedules these quicky human interest "news" stories all the time) begged me because they were doing a spot on married couples who choose not to have kids and they needed one of those ever-so-difficult-to-locate childfree types. Despite the fact that I looked like hell that day, was wearing unflattering colors and was completely and totally unprepared and caught off guard, I reluctantly agreed to do the spot, convincing myself of the importance of being an advocate for the severely-marginalized childfree lifestyle. Although I cringed to see how horrible I looked, I admit it turned out pretty well in the end (I was relieved that they used the 2 articulate sentences from my interview with them).

Anyway, a week or so later, I decided to go out for a couple slices of pizza at my favorite pizza place across the street from my office. I have pizza there at least once every couple weeks - it's gooooooood ~ heavy on the cheese and grease. Immediately, the owner came running over and excitedly asked (in her adorable Greek accent), "are you on television?!!???" Now, I get this question a lot because I happen to look like a pretty well-known celebrity, and I had forgotten about the childfree "news" spot so I was all ready to give her my usual reply that "no, I know I look like so-and-so, but I am not her. I wish I had her money, though." But then, I realized she was talking about the childfree spot.

She had this star-struck look on her face, as though by nature of my being on this low-budget local news spot, I was some kind of celebrity (which made me chuckle to myself) and she inquisitively began asking me questions about choosing not to have kids. After I explained how hubby and I came about our decision and why we love the childfree lifestyle, she nodded approvingly and then said a line that I have often heard from people with kids, "I never even considered not having kids because when I got married, that's just what you did."

That's just what you did - implying that things are somehow different now - that things have changed since the era when she had kids and when I became of child-rearing age. Well, people, let me state with no uncertainty that nothing has changed. Having kids is still just what you do. It's always been just what you do. It will probably always continue to be just what you do. As has been the case throughout humankind's history on earth, people put as much thought into having kids as they do into mindless eating, breathing and screwing.

Just like my friend at the pizza parlor, I was brought up with the relentless messages that having children is what you do. It's part of life and an essential part of life for women especially. It's not a choice, it's a given. Women are never asked if they will have kids - they are asked when they will have kids and a woman who bravely announces she does not want to have children is looked at like she has two heads.

Growing up, I didn't know one single adult who chose not to have kids. Baby dolls were thrust into my hands repeatedly as gifts, despite the fact that I showed no interest in them (although I loved Barbie and her freespirited adult ways). The only words I ever heard associated with not having kids were words like "infertile", "barren", "sterile" and other negative labels that implied that not having kids was some kind of affliction. I never had a childfree role model. Hell, the word childfree was never even used to describe people without children, at least not in the plastic bubble I lived in, although I have recently learned that the term was coined in the early 1970s. No, like most people, childless was the only word I heard to refer to people without kids; a term pregnant with the connotation of lack.

People like my pizza place friend who lament their "choice" to have kids was made because it's just what you did - are unknowingly robbing childfree folks of the credit we deserve. The pressure we have endured to have children has been just as enormous for us as it was for her. The role models of an alternative childfree lifestyle have been non-existent, just as they were for her. The message of having kids is just what you do has been pounded into our heads our entire lives, just as it was for her.

The difference is that despite the fact that having kids is just what you do, we thought about it and did differently anyway. And for this we deserve some credit. Credit for bucking the trend and thinking for ourselves (despite the inevitable fallout of being misunderstood and labeled as misguided and selfish). Credit for questioning the unthinking belief that something is right and preferable just because it is ordinary and customary. Credit for evaluating childrearing with an objective eye and seeing it for what it is - a little bit of something for a whole lot of strain and sacrifice.

So to those who say we are lucky today because of the choice we have now, I say to you - the choice was always there. You just chose not to think, and not to choose.

Living Life Big

Recently I was chit-catting with another co-worker of mine - a young woman in her early 30s. About a year and a half ago, when I first started working at my job and was getting to know her, the issue of having children came up. When I told her that my husband and I are childfree by choice, she confided that she and her husband were unsure whether they wanted to have kids. Neither of them had a particularly strong parental desire and they were plenty happy with their lives already. At the time, my assessment was that they probably wouldn't have kids.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. My co-worker is now about 5 months pregnant and very much looking forward to being a mom, although she does confess many anxieties about how she will handle having a child and whether she is mom material. Out of curiosity, I asked her what made she and her husband change their minds about having kids, since when I first met her they were on the fence. Her response was, "we just gave it a lot of thought and you know - I realized I'm just a person who has to live life big and have EVERYTHING in life. I always want to have it all!"

My immediate internal reaction (which I did not verbalize for obvious reasons) was "if you want to 'have it all', why would you have kids?" Having kids limits the all you can have, and yet, amazingly 95% of the population has been effectively brainwashed into believing that having kids is part of the "have it all" equation. This fact is a continual source of amazement to me.

An objective assessment of the lives of childfree versus child-encumbered people quickly reveals that unlike childfree folks who can pursue every interest and opportunity in life, child-encumbered people sacrifice almost everything in their lives to "have it all" by having kids. The second they have kids, most of their lives go out the window. As I have lamented before, I can't even get 2 hours with my close friend now that she has children. Dinners out are so rare, I can't even remember the last time we went out to dinner. My friend and her husband no longer take vacations (can't afford now that they have kids), no longer do volunteer work (no time), no longer have dinner parties (too hard to do with kids to take care of), no longer take classes or pursue hobbies, no longer have intellectual discussions, no longer have more than 5 minute phone conversations (and the 5-minute calls they do have are constantly interrupted), no longer do anything other than take care of kids. And this is the have-it-all, live-life-big lifestyle we're all supposed to chase after?

No thanks, I'll pass.

Bashing the Baby Bump

Is it just me, or is the media frenzy surrounding celebrity "baby bumps" extremely annoying and tiresome? I like to follow celebrity news like every other mindless American but this is ridiculous. Let me ask you, friends...do YOU care which celebrities are pregnant? Does the sight of a female celebrity frolicking in a loose fitting smock send you racing to the entertainment tabloids? When a celebrity's baby is born, do you hustle to the t.v. and hungrily flip channels to see the first footage of the precious little imp?

I personally don't know anyone who gives two hoots about celebrity pregnancies and yet if you are to believe the entertainment television shows, tabloids, blogs and web sites, knocked up celebs are on the top of everyone's MUST KNOW list (but then again, so is the latest on Britney Spears' trainwreck life and I can't figure that out either).

I've given this some thought and the only thing I can think of that may be remotely interesting about celeb's pregnancy is watching previously rail-thin, concentration camp-looking bodies expand into enormity and seeing how they cope with it. Will they get stretch marks and saggy boobs like normal women (probably not, thanks to cosmetic surgery and personal trainers)? This just shows you how hungry Americans are for mindless entertainment because the plain fact is that there just ain't nothin' exceptional or interesting about getting impregnanted and having babies. As I have said before, it's just so ordinary.

Sadly, media frenzy does not end with the birth of the baby. We are bombarded with the nail-bitingly, edge-of-your-seat excitement of Brangelina taking their brood to the playground. WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK? How empty must a person's life be to find a photo of Brad Pitt pushing his kid on a swing entertaining?

No, I just don't get it, and I guess that's a good thing because if I did get it, that would make a pretty sad statment about me.

Meow

Okay, today I am going to be very shallow, vain and catty. Hey, I'm a woman! You would expect no less from me, right? Indulge me here.

Recently, I attended the birthday party of my best friend's 4-year old son. It was a big family and close friend affair - a house chock full of babies, toddlers, toys, wrapping paper, cake, noise, wall-to-wall parents chasing after wall-to-wall babies and toddlers and then there were me and hubby - two lone childfree-by-choice people amid a sea of kindercraziness.

Hubby walked in, took one look at the frenetic chaos, and made a bee-line out the front door where he gratefully took refuge drinking martinis out of the back of an old friend's mini-van. It was a regular escapist's tailgate party. I let them be and didn't crash their party. First of all, I am not much of a drinker, plus I knew that hubby and his old friend would really enjoy some quality male bonding time catching up over their drinks. So there I was, stuck with all the women - the mommies. I did the requisite cooing over the kids and I even had some fun playing with them, I admit. When the baby babble got boring, I kept myself occupied at the food table, delighting myself in cookies, birthday cake, brownies and cupcakes.

While I was deciding whether I should indulge in another brownie or one last piece of birthday cake, I looked around the room. I appraised and evaluated all the women and observed them in motion. Most were in my age range - 30's or 40's, a couple were older. All were mothers except me. I looked more closely at them and it suddenly dawned on me that compared to me, these women looked like wrecks - sloppy clothes, wiry hair falling out of messy ponytails, no makeup, spare tire bellies bulging out of ill-fitting jeans. Now, I will tell you up front that I am no Jackie Kennedy, but I can objectively say that I was the most pulled-together, attractive and stylish woman in the room. I am not talking attractive as in pretty (I am not that vain). I am talking attractive as in well-groomed, attentive to one's appearance, physically fit, well-proportioned, and stylish. It didn't take long for me to realize that the sole reason I held this advantage over these women was that I am childfree. My body hasn't been abused by childbirth. I'm not stretched out, worn out and plumped up. My skin glows with plentiful rest and I frequently suprise people when they learn my age (they always guess 6-8 years younger). I have the time and money to get regular haircuts, shop for clothing, put on makeup, style my hair, get an occasional facial and massage, select pretty jewelry to coordinate with my stylin' clothes. I diligently exercise 5-6 days a week to stay fit, energetic and healthy. These mommies are lucky if they can find 5 minutes to locate a pair of socks that match.

Yes, I am being catty today, but you know what? Writing about my catty feelings here and sharing my smugness with you, my childfree friends and sympathizers, provides a nice boost - sharing the little secrets of how being a marginalized member of our society can actually work to one's benefit.