Friday Laughs

PRODUCT PLACEMENT

 

Thanks to CFVixen for the forward

No Messy Crotch for Me

CFVixen sent me an article called, Happily After Giving Birth - 10 Things They Don't Tell You.   Read it and if you're a childfree-by-choice woman, count your lucky stars you will never have to deal with the horror of life after pregnancy which, as the article points out - consists of:

• Heavy periods
• A "messy crotch"
• Being fat
• Crying all the time
• Hair falling out
• Tough time breast feeding
• Hating your husband
• Hot flashes
• "Hard boobs"
• Constipation

Yes, at the end of the article there's a little bit of self-congratulatory backpedaling about the miraculous heroics involved in "creating a person", but it's not too gushy or over the top.

Stress Management for Mommies

Is your blood pressure rising?  Are you feeling dizzy?  Is your heart palpatating?  Are you irritable and yelling?  Is your family walking on eggshells around you because you are a ticking time bomb?

If your answer is yes, you must be a MOM, so do yourself a favor and take a "Mommy Time Out".  Practice deep breathing!  Get yourself a "family stress box" (???)  Get one of those squeezie stress balls to squeeze!  Stick your IPod on and listen to some relaxing music.  Journal your feelings!   Get better about predicting those "nightmare moments" (i.e. mornings with your kids) and do a better job preparing for them!  Work off the stress by exercising (but you'll have to do it WITH your kids, since you have no time to yourself).

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I love the Today Show's "mommy spots" because they are frequently focused on how to make the drudgery of motherhood more bearable. 

Psst - Today Show:  how about this idea for a spot on motherhood:

OPT OUT

Our Non-Existent Kids are Thankful We Didn't Have Them

Here's a thought that occurs to me all the time.  I wonder if it occurs to other childfree-by-choice folks.  On a regular basis I think to myself (or say to hubby), it's a good thing we didn't have kids, for their own sake.

No, this is not because we would be bad parents.  It's not because we're not parent material.  It's because my thinking of how kids should be raised is a lot different than the way most people raise their kids today.

What got me thinking about this was an article I read recently in Philadelphia Magazine called The Sorry Lives and Confusing Times of Today's Young Men.  The article delves into the problem of men who never grow up.  Who live with mom and dad indefinitely.  Who sit around watching porn and playing video games all day.  Who have no drive to get a career, find a partner and establish an adult life.  More importantly, the article addresses the question of why this problem exists.

My opinion is that the problem exists because of the overly permissive, coddling, "I want to be my kid's best friend", "My kid is unique and special", "My kid can do no wrong", "I will give my kid everything" way that people raise kids today.  It's creating a culture of lazy ass monsters.  And this is why it's a good thing we don't have kids.  If we had kids, they probably wouldn't be too happy with us because:

1.  They would not have cell phones until they were 16.  And then, they would have limited minutes, and very limited texting.  Their texts and social networking would be monitored by us until they were 18.

2.  They would not eat meat in our household.

3.  They would not be given junk food in our household, except as an occasional treat on weekends and special occasions like birthdays and holidays.  In our household "snack" would mean fruits, nuts and other healthy foods.

4.  They would not have a t.v. or computer in their room.  The t.v. and computer would be located in a central place where they could be monitored.

5.  T.V. watching and video games would be limited to an hour a day.  They would be encouraged to read, draw, paint, play a musical instrument, exercise, or do some other enriching activity with their free time.  Or how about this - RELAX.

6.  They would be required to go outdoors and get fresh air and exercise every day.

7.  They would have a list of chores that they would be required to do as a requirement of being a contributing member of the household.

8.  They would be given a reasonable allowance for extra chores, above the required ones.

9.  They would be encouraged to participate in no more than 2 extra curricular activities.  We do not believe in the schedule-kids-to-the-hilt philosophy that today's families subscribe to.

10.  They would have to make their own "play dates" because I do not believe in parents scheduling appointments with other parents so their kids can have a social life.

11. If they got in trouble in school, we would not be bailing them out, making excuses for them, accusing their teachers or blaming other people. Our child would be held accountable.

12. They would be required to buy their own car and work their way through college. It builds character. I know this from first-hand experience.

13.  We would allow them to live with us through college without paying rent, but after that, they would be required to pay rent.  And under no circumstance would they be permitted to live with us indefinitely.  Go to school, get a career and out you go.

14. We would contribute 33% to our child's wedding cost and would expect that our child, and the parents of the spouse to be would each also contribute 33%.

So you can see why it's a good thing we don't have kids.  Their life would not be easy.  They would not be comotose in front of a computer or t.v. screen watching porn or playing video games.  They would not be handed everything on a silver platter and told they are a special snowflake.  They would probably compare us to their friends' parents and hate our freaking guts.

But more importantly, it's a good thing we don't have kids for our own sake.  Can you imagine having to be on top of all that stuff in my list?  Can you imagine having to monitor the t.v., computer, cell phone and texting of another person?  Can you imagine (on top of taking care of your own needs and problems) being burdened with making sure another person is eating healthily, exercising, pursuing enriching activities, behaving, being held accountable for bad behavior, completing their chores, their homework, finding and keeping a job, saving for a car and college and developing into a upstanding contributor to society?  And let's not forget about all the other worries and stresses that didn't even make my list.

Yes, it's a good thing for both our non-existent children and for us that we have chosen the path we have chosen.  I wake up every day and sigh a deep breath of relief that I don't have these stresses and worries in my life.  And I am sure my non-existent child - wherever her spirit may be floating in the spirit world - is breathing a deep sigh of relief too.

Although I feel this relief, it does trouble me that the infestation of coddled, video game playing, porn-watching, couch potato 30-somethings are going to be running the world in the future, instead of the well-adjusted, healthy, upstanding go-getters that we would have raised.  Oh well. Hopefully by the time the couch potatoes find the motivation to pull themselves away from their video games and porn and go out into the world, we will already be 6 feet under.

In Small Doses

Last night, Firecracker Hubby and I did something we don't often do. We babysat. For 5 hours. For my best friend, Sara, who I write about a lot in this blog.  Sara is one of my oldest and dearest friends and I love her like a sister - actually more than a sister, since we don't have the issues and family baggage that sisters do.

Sara does a lot for us.  She catsits when we go away.  The last time we went away, she visited every single day of our vacation to visit our cats, since one of our cats needs daily insulin shots. Yes, every day - for 8 days straight - she dutifully made the trek to our house and administered shots to our furboy. And gave them lots of love and attention.  Now THAT is a good friend.

So it goes without saying that we were happy to give Sara and her husband a nice night out by themselves, something they rarely get to do.  They were so excited when we arrived - all gussied up and smiling, heading out to a film and dinner.  It was Sara's hubby's birthday and he was just pleased as punch to get to go out alone with his wife.

Sara and hubby have 2 young boys and she is a stay-at-home-mom for the time being.  Money is tight, and babysitters are few, so this was a real treat for them.

So we spent 5 hours entertaining their boys who were happy as clams that we were there.  The boys adore us and were jumping up and down with excitement when we arrived.  Ugh.  5 hours.  Would we be able to handle it?

The answer is - yes, and we had an okay time playing games with them, hubby rough-housing with them, eating pizza with them.  But here's the thing about kids. They're okay for a few hours, but it is mind-numbingly boring to be around them for hours on end.  I was sitting there, playing Candyland with the younger boy while he prattled on incessantly and I thought to myself how do people do this every day without blowing their brains out? 

I am a person who needs intellectual stimulation.  I like thought-provoking books and films.  I am drawn to intelligent, insightful people.  I like to think philosophically.  I question things.  I think critically.  Yes, I enjoy a good dose of dumbness sprinkled through my life, but being around dopey, chatterbox kids non-stop would send me heading off a cliff. 

People often say that having children makes a person grow.  I don't know.  I think having kids would be a akin to getting a lobotomy.

They are completely self-centered.  They are undeveloped.  They are (for the most part) uninteresting.  They ramble on non-stop.  They think everything they do is fascinating (when it is not), and they expect us to act as though it is.  They need constant praise and approval.  They are attention whores.  They expect the world to revolve around them.

At the same time, they are at times funny, cute, entertaining and affectionate.  I wouldn't say being around them makes me a better person.  It just makes me tired and braindead.

In the final analysis, a few hours with kids - here and there - is tolerable and at times, even enjoyable.  Their innocence and the novelty of them can even be entertaining and a nice diversion. 

We do love the children in our lives  - in small doses.

Friday Laugh

In the Life F.C.

I was heating up my lunch today in the office kitchen when an associate (who I do not know well) asked me how I was doing and how my holidays were.  We got to chatting about holidays and winter and I mentioned that I am disappointed that we haven't gotten any snow this year so far because I love to ski, particularly on real snow, as opposed to machine-made.  She was nodding vigorously in agreement, so I asked her if she also likes to ski.  She said, "Yes, I used to... B.C."  I asked, "B.C.?"  and she replied, "Before Children".  We both got a good laugh.  I replied, "I like that!  So let's see...I guess that makes me F.C. - Free of Children!"  She looked a little confused for a moment, but then she laughed.

Exchanges like this are seemingly small and insignificant until one really thinks about the bigger implication of what is being expressed.  I like to think of these types of interactions as nice little reminders of just how good we childfree people have it.  So often we take for granted our freedoms and our ability to continue doing all the things we love uninterupted when so many of our counterparts long ago bid farewell to their hobbies, their friends, their interests, their free time and adult recreation because they made one seemingly simple decision.  If the thought pops into my mind that I might like to go skiing on Saturday, I pack up my skiis, hop in the car and head to the slopes.  If a parent decides he would like to go skiing on Saturday, he will most likely immediately decide that it's impossible because it would involve taking the kid, which would not work because the kid does not know how to ski, or does not want to learn how to ski, or decides it would be too expensive to take the kid, or it would be too difficult to arrange a sitter on such short notice, or it wouldn't be possible because Saturday is the day that Junior has football practice.  Just thinking about it is enough to bring on a headache.

But it's not just our pursuit of recreation that is so much easier for the childfree.  When I go home after a busy day at work, I most likely will not feel like cooking.  Maybe I will throw together a salad.  Maybe I will eat a bowl of cereal.  Or maybe (if I am feeling particularly naughty, which tends to happen as it gets closer to the weekend) I will eat chocolate chip cookies.  In any of these scenarios, here's what I am not doing.  I am not slaving.  I am not serving.  I am not rushing.  I am not negotiating.  I am not catering to picky tastes. I am not making multiple meals to please multiple palates.  I am not worrying.  And the icing on the cake? I am not spending $800 - $1,200 a month on groceries!

Oh, my poor, pitiable childfree life - such an empty, lacking life - sitting home with hubby at night, relaxing on the couch, reading or cackling over Seinfeld re-runs, talking leisurely about our day, making plans for the weekend, going to bed early and getting a nice, full night of sleep, waking up well-rested, having time in the morning to exercise, browse the internet, have a nice breakfast together, talk and ease into the day.  No racing, no rushing, no corraling, no noise, no arguing, no homework, no resentment.

The morale of this story?  A life B.C. is good, but a life F.C. is infinitely better.