And the "Body of the Year Award Goes to..."

HELEN MIRREN!!!!  Age 66 and CHILDFREE BY CHOICE! 

See what NOT having kids does to your body?

Read all about it.

Value in the Workplace?

I just finished reading Knowing Your Value: Women, Money, and Getting What You're Worth by Mika Brzezinski, co-host of MSNBC's Morning Joe, which deals with the issue of women being undervalued and undercompensated in the workplace.  Unfortunately, I am currently dealing with that very situation myself and am in the process of strategizing effective ways to get my salary boosted, so when I saw this book in the library, it caught my eye.

Mika discusses the ways women are their own worst enemies and sabotage themselves by worrying too much about being liked, not being straightforward and assertive enough - or worse yet, apologizing when asking for what they want. Speaking from her own experience, her successes and failures, she talks about how women underestimate their value, are unable to say no, and believe that if they just keep working harder, the boss will notice them and reward them.

Of course, we all know that rarely happens.

Anyway, you are probably wondering what this has to do with the issue of childfreedom.  Well, the book was very good and contained much sage advice from Mika, as well as from the many prominent women she interviewed for the book - people like Arianna Huffington, Suze Orman, Valerie Jarrett and Elizabeth Warren - women who have all faced similar challenges at some point in their careers.

Where the book jumped the shark was in the next to last chapter entitled Motherhood: The Game Changer.  When I got to that chapter, I took a deep sigh.  I knew what was coming - the usual pro-mother propaganda that we have grown to expect from every media source.  In a nutshell, this is what Mika and her prominent interviewees say in the Motherhood chapter:

1.  Mothers are discriminated against in the workplace and their earnings go down for each child they have.  While some of this can be attributed to taking time out of the workforce, research shows that even mothers who don't take time off earn less.

2.  Mothers are not taken seriously in the workplace and are seen as "soft", especially if they talk about their families while at work.

3. There is a stereotype about mothers that they don't pull their equal weight at work.  While this is true for some mothers who have difficulty "doing it all", there are many mothers who work even harder because they know how limited their time is.

4.  Having children adds to a woman's value as an employee.  Mothers use their time more wisely.  "We have babies to protect, so our decision-making skills revolve around real-life issues."  (I guess those of us who have a husband, mortgage, pets, bills to pay and other responsibilities are living in an imaginary fairy land or at Club Med?).  Mothers are more conscientious, disciplined and responsible due to having children and those things add value in the workplace.

5.  The key for mothers is to work for family-friendly companies who appreciate the importance of family.  The "right boss" will let a mom leave early so she can get to the Halloween parade in time.

6.  The "bad bosses" referred to in Mika's book are usually women without kids.
 
7.  There needs to be a national child-care policy that makes it easy for women to enter and re-enter the workforce and offers complete support for paternity leave, so the husband can share equally in family responsibilities.

Here is my response.

Mothers earn less because they do less. They take time off to have a child and then when they come back to work, they are tired, scattered and obsessed with their child.  I know this from being a supervisor and having seen it too many times.  It's all over once a woman has a baby.  She is late for work, she is on the phone making personal calls all day long, she is constantly calling out sick or leaving work early to attend to problems with the child.  Even when there are no emergencies at home to deal with, her mind is on her child.  I have seen women come back from maternity leave, only to spend half the day waltzing around the office chit chatting about their baby or showing everyone who will look the latest photos.  We all chit chat, and we all have personal photos to share, but moms do it in excess.

Mothers are perceived as "soft" because all they are soft. Once a woman has a child, all of her mental energy and focus goes to the baby.  She loses interest in current events.  She loses her edge.  She's no longer driven.  She treats her job as a necessary evil to keep food on the table and diapers on the baby, and nothing more.  It's not her focus anymore and it is certainly no longer a priority.

I have never met a mother who worked harder than a non-parent.  I've seen some moms who work just as hard, but never harder.  I have seen many moms who simply don't pull their weight once they have kids.  I've been one of the people who's had to pick up the slack because a co-worker mom left early yet again for this doctor's appointment, or that school meeting.

I take offense to the idea that mothers have "real-life issues" to deal with, so they get down to business and get the job done.  Yet another attempt to portray motherhood as the only true way to "have a life".  If having a husband, household, bills, pets, extended family, friends, career and multiple interests is not a "life", than what is it?

I am all for "family-friendliness" when it comes to the work place, but the problem is, family friendliness doesn't usually extend to the needs of single and childfree workers.  How often do we see parents accommodated with flexibility in time off and leaving early and catered to as though their every waking moment is a priority, yet when a single or childfree person requests the same courtesy for the things that are important to her, she is denied?  "Family friendly" should be changed to "employee friendly".  All employees should be given the same amount of flexibility to deal with personal or family issues that arise, whether they concern children, pets, partners, ailing parents or whatever.

I am a boss.  I am also a woman without kids and I try to be "employee friendly".  On several occasions I have been told by my staff that I am the "best boss they ever had."  I think my childfree status makes me more compassionate to my staff because I know what it feels like to be discriminated against in the workplace - to be assumed to "have no life" because I don't have children at home, to be assumed to have all the free time in the world to stay late, fill in for the absent moms, when the truth I have a very full and active life and multiple obligations.  So I try to be fair to all employees, regardless of their home situation.  If one of my employees needs to leave early to take her dog to the vet, I have no problem with it.  If another employee's child has a doctor visit, I am fine with it.  My objective is:  be fair and offer the same flexibility to all employees.  In exchange, I expect my staff will not take advantage and abuse the situation.

My feeling about a national child care policy is this:  If a couple wants to have a child, that's great, but before doing so, they should figure out who will take care of the child, who will work, who will stay at home and how all of this will be paid for.  Having a child is a choice, it's not a necessity for life, so I do not agree that the nation as a whole should pay for and accommodate the choice of people who want the lifestyle of having kids.  If I decide to purchase a home (another lifestyle choice), should I expect there to be a national policy that provides assistance to me in making my monthly mortgage payments?  If I decide to pursue a graduate degree, should there be a national policy that requires a company to hold my job for 2 years while I go to school?  I don't think so.  So why should having a child be any different?  It's a choice, people.  If you don't like the negative impact that having a child has on your career, think twice before you have one.

Today Show Gets it Right for Once (mostly)

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Looks like the Today Show is making some strides in addressing the issue of childfreedom in a more balanced manner than they have in the past.  In this piece, the Today Show speaks with Lilit Marcus, a young childfree woman, psychiatrist Janet Taylor,  Laura Scott, author of Two is Enough:  A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice and Sarah Brokaw, therapist and author of Fortytude: Making the Next Decades the Best Years of Your Life - Through the 40s, 50s and Beyond.  The guests discuss the subject of women who choose not to have children.

There are a couple good things about this piece. First, the women discuss many of the negative stereotypes childfree women must endure, such as the assumptions that we are selfish, cold, heartless people who do not know our own minds (you know - we'll change our minds later about having kids).  They also discuss the assumptions that all women should aspire to be moms, that motherhood is the one true path to adulthood, maturity, fulfilment and a purposeful life and agree that these assumptions are incorrect, and that there are many ways women can lead satisfying and fulfilling lives apart from having children.

Then there are the downsides:

1. I wish the message was conveyed that not only can childfreedom be equally as fulfilling as motherhood, but many childfree women feel it is more fulfilling and this is an important reason many women opt out of motherhood. 

2.  It is incorrect to say that all childfree women have doubts and second thoughts about their choice.  Childfree women are no more unsure or doubtful about their life choice than mothers.  In fact, while moms are flooding the internet with  "I hate being a mom" and "I regret having kids" posts and discussions,  one would be hard-pressed to find any "I hate being childfree" or "I regret not having kids" posts on the web. So which group is the unsure and regretful one?  And why is it always assumed that the childfree woman is racked with doubt?  Just another false stereotype about childfree women. 

And do we really need the lonely, stark photos of empty playground swings accompanied by a shift in music from upbeat to creepy and forboding at the very moment the issue of childfree doubt arises? (reinforcing the message that childfree women might be making a big mistake).

3.  While the negative stereotypes about childfree women were mentioned, such as selfishness, I wish the piece took the next step and discussed the truth about childfree women:  that they are in fact often better able to live a more selfless and giving life thanks to the freedoms they are afforded by foregoing childrearing - more time to devote to their spouses, families and other personal relationships, more time to be involved in their communities, more time for volunteer and charity work, etc.

4.  Ms. Brokaw's comment at the end of the piece about there being many ways a woman can relate to children without having to be a mom was well-meaning, but reinforces the stereotype that all women are maternal and have a need to express that instinct.  In fact, while many childfree women (including me) consider themselves maternal and express that part of themselves in a variety of ways, there are also many childfree women who have chosen not to have kids precisely because they recognize that they are not maternal - and hurray for them for recognizing this!  There are far too many non-maternal women who have no business being mothers, who go ahead and have children anyway because "it's just what you do" - and the children pay the price.  Additionally, while many childfree women enjoy being around kids or working in careers which place them around children, there are plenty of childfree women who do not enjoy kids and have no interest in caretaking jobs such as social worker, teacher, nurse, doctor and so on. Not all women have a need to have children as an important part of their lives.  However, I suspect this viewpoint (as well as the others I listed here) might be a bit too much for the Today Show's audience to digest.

Friday Laugh

The "Brat Ban" is Catching On!

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According to this article in Shine (on the Parenting page, no less), the "No Kids Allowed" movement is catching on with a variety of businesses.  FINALLY, it appears that businesses are starting to take notice of the formerly untapped treasure trove of childfree and childless customers  - many of whom have disposible income to spare and are aching to dine, travel and shop in peace and quiet.  Hear that businesses?  Cha-Ching!  $$$$$$$$

Bratty children in public places has always been a sore spot for me - in the same way that smoking, shouting, talking loudly on cell phones, farting and other ill behaviors have been.  It's not the fault of children, who I equate with wild animals - creatures who operate on impulse and base desires and need to be trained in order to behave in a civil manner.  The fault lies with the overly-permissive parents who not only allow their children to behave like obnoxious, out of control, screaming apes, but in many cases encourage the behavior by laughing, snapping pictures or even worse, ignoring their children.

And then we have the businesses who - for far too long - have been obsessed with being "family friendly" to the point of coddling misbehaving families by turning a blind eye to their bad behavior, regardless of how it impinges on the enjoyment of their other customers.  I have watched in horror as children have run around in upscale dining areas, played tag, and in one case, sat and watched a young girl standing and jumping on her dining room chair all through dinner while her parents and business management ignored her and never once told her to sit down.

To the parents who react with, "You don't have kids so you have no idea what it is like!  It is impossible to keep them still and quiet in public places!!", I say this:  if you cannot control your children, KEEP THEM AT HOME until you can train them to behave.  Don't assume that because you think your bratty, noisy kids are cute and "just being kids" that fellow customers feel the same way.  When your kid is jumping up and down on his restaurant chair and shouting "pants on the ground!!!" while mooning his sister, don't look over at me with that "Aw shucks, isn't he just so darned cute?!!?", or the even more pathetic look of resignation and defeat, like, "Oh well ... what can I do?"  You can do a lot.  As mentioned above - STAY HOME.  OR if you really insist on taking your children out to nice restaurants or onto airplanes, or other public places where people expect a peaceful experience, train your kids first on how to behave properly.  Here's an idea - say no.  How about, "Sit down and keep quiet?" How about removing your screaming child from the restaurant the minute he starts crying, instead of allowing his caterwalling to go on endlessly, ruining everyone else's dinner?

Seems like common sense to me, but what do I know?

At any rate, I hope the Brat Ban truly is an idea that is catching fire because it is long overdue, especially in the current climate of overly-permissive childrearing that seems to have taken ahold of our culture with a death grip.

Joys of Aunthood (Continued)

Today I would like to write about one of the more subtle benefits of being childfree.  If you have nieces or nephews, or if there are any children in your life that you love, you may appreciate this observation.

As a proud aunt who adores her nieces and nephews, it has always struck me as interesting that I seem to notice and appreciate the little things about them more acutely than their parents do.  I've mentioned this phenomenon before - the fact that every little nuance of the childrens' development and their every antic registers with hubby and me right away and garners an instant reaction (usually hugs and kisses are involved).  I can recall almost everything about them from the day each of them was born, to when they started talking (and the funny things they said, like "sometimes he DO's that"), to their physical changes...for example Little Man's hair which changed from thick, wavy black hair, to fine straight blonde hair within the span of 2 years, to my niece's "twinkle toes" when she puts her feet up against mine to see how much closer in size to mine they have grown since our last visit.  I get a kick out of the eldest niece when she corrects me with her teacher-like voice, "Actually, Aunt Mandy..."  I notice (and love) all of it.

So when I came across a  blog post, written by a mom, in which she laments the loss of memories about her children, it reminded me again of this subtle benefit of having children I love in my life, but not being a parent.

She describes a scene in which she is at the public pool, observing a little boy and his mother.  She realizes in doing so, and noticing all the adorable things about the child - his fatty legs, his palpable excitement over the water - that she cannot really remember those types of fine details about her own childrens' early days.

I kept wondering if the moms were paying attention, really paying attention, to their children. Did the little boy's mom notice his mouth shaped into an "O" of delight? Did the baby girl's mom take note of the gaping distance between her baby's sturdy legs—all curves and rolls—and my seven-year-old's lanky limbs with their sharply defined calf muscles, their bruised and knobby knees?

Really, my question was this: Did I pay attention when my children were that little? Because, while I know they did ecstatic drunken-man circuits in the wading pool or under the yard sprinkler, while I know they learned to walk on fat-rolled legs and marveled at tiny surprises—feathers and shells and grass, the sound that newly shod feet make on gravel—I can't easily conjure up images of how they looked and moved and sounded then. And I wonder, is this just the way it is? Is it impossible to really, in a palpable way, remember each stage of our children's lives, no matter how much attention we pay?

Without realizing it, this blogger is eloquently touching on yet one of the many downsides of being a parent - the fact that the day-to-day minutia and - dare I say it - drudgery of parenthood procludes a person from really savoring the special moments and memories of their children and truly taking it all in.  This has never been lost on me.  From what I have observed, parents are so overwhelmed, overloaded, exhausted and consumed with moment-to-moment survival that those fleeting moments that bring hubby and I such joy and amazement, are met with vacant gazes by the very people who brought the children into the world.

...I pay attention anyway, as much as I can amid the necessary distractions of schedules and chores. This dynamic is just one more reminder of how foolish and full of paradox this endeavor is, this bearing and raising of children. We welcome them knowing that one day we will say goodbye. We shelter them so that eventually they can leave us. We create boundaries with the expectation that they will test them. We give them all that we have and are, so that they will be able to get along without us. We pay attention, though we cannot possibly remember all the sights and sounds, the scents and textures, the baby steps and joyful dances that mark our days as the parents of children.

The moment I see my nieces and nephews, I drink them in.  I size them up.  I put them against me and see how much taller they have gotten.  I watch them demonstrate their latest dance moves.  I sit and listen to them - I mean really listen to them - and the nuances of their thought processes and expressions as they grow and learn and become more enmeshed in the world.  I feel their hugs and notice they feel stronger, just like my niece or nephew is bigger and stronger.  Because I don't see them every day, each change in them registers accutely.  I am not weighed down with the day-to-day mighty responsibility of keeping them alive, happy, healthy and fed, so my moments with them are zen and I am truly in the moment.  I notice every little change in them and file them away in  my mental Aunt catalog...memories which I easily conjure up and treasure.

I do remember each of them in the fatty leg stage.  I can picture them clearly waddling to and fro.  In my mind, I can hear their toddler voices speaking to me.  I can visualize them at each age - what they were doing, how they looked, how they reacted to the world around them.  I remember it all.  I am an involved, devoted, yet unencumbered adult force in their lives, so my mind is a clear, relaxed slate for the kids to etch themselves upon.

Their writings will be etched in my mind and heart forever.

OPK

Thank you, CFVixen for sending me this reminder about the most effective form of birth control!