1. You will be happier and less likely to suffer from depression.2. (Assuming you get married), you will have a happier marriage.
3. You will have the capacity and time for meaningful, engaged, quality adult relationships.
4. You will be able to save for a comfortable retirement.
5. You are more likely to be an engaged and involved aunt or uncle because you are not jaded and worn down by your own kids.
6. You can fully pursue and develop your career.
7. You can fully pursue your educational goals.
8. You can decorate your home as you wish with as many beautiful and/or breakable things as you wish and you will not have to child-proof your house.
9. Your house will be free of junky, plastic kindercrap.
10. Your spouse will get all the love and attention he/she deserves. You will come first in your spouse/partner's life.
11. Your pets will get all the love and attention they deserve.
12. You can eat whatever foods you wish at whatever time of the day you wish out in the open, whether it be a gourmet, exotic meal, or chocolate chip cookies.
13. You never have to yell, scold, correct or punish anyone (assuming your spouse and pets are well-behaved ;)
14. Your home will be a quiet and welcoming oasis, instead of a chaotic zoo.
15. Your identity will remain firmly intact.
16. You will enjoy personal privacy.
17. You will get a full night’s sleep every night.
18. You will have the time and energy to exercise regularly and take care of your health and appearance.
19. You will stay informed and engaged in current events and will remain an interesting conversationalist.
20. You will retain your attention span.
21. You will minimize your carbon footprint and do far less damage to the environment than your childed peers.
22. You can be yourself (for better or worse) without worrying about having to be a good example.
23. You can live in whatever town or city you like without concerning yourself with quality of school districts, child-friendliness, etc.
24. You will be able to travel more frequently and your travels will not be limited to summer or school break times, or to kid-friendly destinations.
25. Speaking of vacations, you will be able to use your paid time off for vacations, instead of burning your days to take care of sick kids.
26. You can spend an entire weekend vegging on the couch in your pajamas if you choose.
27. You will maintain the capacity to be spontaneous – to do things spur of the moment, without complex planning or babysitter arrangements.
28. You can curse, swear, debate and vent freely in your home without worrying about censoring yourself.
29. You will never have to suffer the agony of childbirth.
30. You will be better able to retain your youthfulness and sex appeal because your body will not be ravaged by childbearing and a crappy diet.
31. You can eat your meals in peace without having to continually jump up and down to serve people.
32. You can own whatever type of car you prefer – you are not limited to mini-vans, SUVs and other family-friendly gas-guzzlers.
33. You can live in whatever type of home you like. Spiral staircases, wooden stairs, sharp-edged countertops, a small backyard, busy street are not necessarily deal-breakers.
34. You can buy a much more affordable home because you won’t need many bedrooms and you won’t have to limit yourself to more expensive, uppercrusty-good-school-district-towns.
35. Your grocery bill will be at least half of that of a family with children.
36. Your utility bills will be much lower than a family with children.
37. Your gasoline expenses will be much lower than a family with children (fewer shopping trips and errands, no chauffeuring).
38. You will spend your weekend doing things you enjoy, instead of attending boring children’s soccer games and birthday parties, or playing chauffeur.
39. You will have the energy and interest to maintain an active, attentive and enjoyable sex life.
40. You will have the freedom to come and go at will – you will remain independent, self-determined and autonomous.
41. You will have plenty of down time if you desire - naps, reading, meditating, lounging, listening to music.
42. Your life will have a manageable and comfortable pace. You will not be harried and stressed out, running around like a headless chicken trying to do it all.
43. You will age more slowly and will have fewer wrinkles than your child-encumbered peers.
44. Every night can be “date night” if you want it to be.
45. Your life will be one of far fewer worries, compared to your childed peers.
46. You will have the time and energy to actively contribute to the community – volunteer work, civic involvement, etc.
47. You can watch whatever you like on television at any time without censoring and you can watch complete shows or movies without constant interruptions.
48. You will spend far less time and effort on housework than families with children (the time and effort you will save on laundry alone is substantial).
49. You will have the time, energy and money to pursue whatever hobbies and interests you like.
27. You will maintain the capacity to be spontaneous – to do things spur of the moment, without complex planning or babysitter arrangements.
28. You can curse, swear, debate and vent freely in your home without worrying about censoring yourself.
29. You will never have to suffer the agony of childbirth.
30. You will be better able to retain your youthfulness and sex appeal because your body will not be ravaged by childbearing and a crappy diet.
31. You can eat your meals in peace without having to continually jump up and down to serve people.
32. You can own whatever type of car you prefer – you are not limited to mini-vans, SUVs and other family-friendly gas-guzzlers.
33. You can live in whatever type of home you like. Spiral staircases, wooden stairs, sharp-edged countertops, a small backyard, busy street are not necessarily deal-breakers.
34. You can buy a much more affordable home because you won’t need many bedrooms and you won’t have to limit yourself to more expensive, uppercrusty-good-school-district-towns.
35. Your grocery bill will be at least half of that of a family with children.
36. Your utility bills will be much lower than a family with children.
37. Your gasoline expenses will be much lower than a family with children (fewer shopping trips and errands, no chauffeuring).
38. You will spend your weekend doing things you enjoy, instead of attending boring children’s soccer games and birthday parties, or playing chauffeur.
39. You will have the energy and interest to maintain an active, attentive and enjoyable sex life.
40. You will have the freedom to come and go at will – you will remain independent, self-determined and autonomous.
41. You will have plenty of down time if you desire - naps, reading, meditating, lounging, listening to music.
42. Your life will have a manageable and comfortable pace. You will not be harried and stressed out, running around like a headless chicken trying to do it all.
43. You will age more slowly and will have fewer wrinkles than your child-encumbered peers.
44. Every night can be “date night” if you want it to be.
45. Your life will be one of far fewer worries, compared to your childed peers.
46. You will have the time and energy to actively contribute to the community – volunteer work, civic involvement, etc.
47. You can watch whatever you like on television at any time without censoring and you can watch complete shows or movies without constant interruptions.
48. You will spend far less time and effort on housework than families with children (the time and effort you will save on laundry alone is substantial).
49. You will have the time, energy and money to pursue whatever hobbies and interests you like.
50. You will not be contributing to the world’s overpopulation crisis.
51. You will not add to the drain on environmental resources.
52. You will never go through morning sickness or post-partum depression.
53. You will never have to endure the loss of a child.
54. You will never have to endure the strain and upset of raising a diseased or disabled child.
55. You will never have to deal with raising a troubled child (drugs, pregnancy, STDs, delinquency, truancy, crime) and will never be saddled with raising grandchildren because your teen child gets pregnant (or gets someone pregnant).
56. You will have spending money and can actually spend it on yourself if you choose.
57. The physical intimacy you share with your partner/spouse will remain romantic and will never have to be planned, scheduled, forced or manipulated like a science experiment for the sake of getting pregnant.
58. You will never suffer from burnout from trying to obtain the “have-it-all” lifestyle.
59. Your life will continue to be flexible. You can change your mind and your plans at a moment's notice.
60. You will not have to change diapers, wipe snotty noses or all of the many other stomach-turning things a parent must do.
61. You will not have to endure crying, screaming, fighting, temper tantrums and other surly child behavior.
62. You will never have to fight with a child over homework or worse yet, have to sit and do homework with a child.
63. You will never have to attend PTA meetings, parent-teacher conferences or other school-related drudgery.
64. You will not have to save thousands upon thousands of dollars for a child’s college education (or more importantly stress and worry about where the money will come from).
65. You never have to set foot in a Chuck E. Cheese.
66. You will never have endure endless hours of noisy, electronic toys shrieking through your house.
67. You can enjoy alone time when you need it.
68. You will be more easily able to escape a bad marriage (if you should need to) than if you had kids, without having to maintain ties with your ex.
69. You will not have to live the life of a hand-servant.
70. Assuming you get married, your marriage will be more egalitarian than it would be if you had children. You will not have to adhere to traditional gender roles.
71. You will never have to pay child support.
72. You and your spouse/partner can be intimate freely in your home without having to lock doors, muffle sounds or otherwise try to hide what you are doing.
73. You will never have to endure the sound of crappy teen pop music blaring through the house.
74. Holidays like Christmas can be affordable, manageable and relaxed if you choose.
75. You will never be disappointed on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day (unless you have unreasonable expectations of your pets).
76. You will never have to go on a “play date” and be stuck sitting with boring yuppy moms and dads you can't stand just so your kids can play with each other.
77. You can beautify your property with gardens, waterfalls, trees and other natural features instead of stripping it bare for a play area, or junking it up with swing sets, sporting equipment and toys.
78. Packing for vacations and day trips will remain a breeze.
79. Your vacations will actually be relaxing and you will come home rested and refreshed, instead of wiped out and in need of a second vacation.
80. If you have medical insurance and your employer requires you to contribute, your premiums will be much lower than they would if you had kids.
81. You will never have to be embarrassed by a child who is a bad representation of you.
82. You will never have to sit through sappy and annoying kiddie movies or t.v. shows.
83. You can have kid-time if you desire it by taking your nieces, nephews or friends’ children for an afternoon. And then when you’ve had enough, you can give them back and go back to your peaceful life.
84. You will never have to worry about whether you are a bad parent or the long-term psychological damage you are inflicting on a child.
85. Going out for an errand will entail hopping into your car, buckling your seatbelt and leaving instead of a full half hour production to get the kids dressed, fed, ready and situated in the car.
86. You will never have to pack and lug around huge bags of stuff every time you leave the house.
51. You will not add to the drain on environmental resources.
52. You will never go through morning sickness or post-partum depression.
53. You will never have to endure the loss of a child.
54. You will never have to endure the strain and upset of raising a diseased or disabled child.
55. You will never have to deal with raising a troubled child (drugs, pregnancy, STDs, delinquency, truancy, crime) and will never be saddled with raising grandchildren because your teen child gets pregnant (or gets someone pregnant).
56. You will have spending money and can actually spend it on yourself if you choose.
57. The physical intimacy you share with your partner/spouse will remain romantic and will never have to be planned, scheduled, forced or manipulated like a science experiment for the sake of getting pregnant.
58. You will never suffer from burnout from trying to obtain the “have-it-all” lifestyle.
59. Your life will continue to be flexible. You can change your mind and your plans at a moment's notice.
60. You will not have to change diapers, wipe snotty noses or all of the many other stomach-turning things a parent must do.
61. You will not have to endure crying, screaming, fighting, temper tantrums and other surly child behavior.
62. You will never have to fight with a child over homework or worse yet, have to sit and do homework with a child.
63. You will never have to attend PTA meetings, parent-teacher conferences or other school-related drudgery.
64. You will not have to save thousands upon thousands of dollars for a child’s college education (or more importantly stress and worry about where the money will come from).
65. You never have to set foot in a Chuck E. Cheese.
66. You will never have endure endless hours of noisy, electronic toys shrieking through your house.
67. You can enjoy alone time when you need it.
68. You will be more easily able to escape a bad marriage (if you should need to) than if you had kids, without having to maintain ties with your ex.
69. You will not have to live the life of a hand-servant.
70. Assuming you get married, your marriage will be more egalitarian than it would be if you had children. You will not have to adhere to traditional gender roles.
71. You will never have to pay child support.
72. You and your spouse/partner can be intimate freely in your home without having to lock doors, muffle sounds or otherwise try to hide what you are doing.
73. You will never have to endure the sound of crappy teen pop music blaring through the house.
74. Holidays like Christmas can be affordable, manageable and relaxed if you choose.
75. You will never be disappointed on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day (unless you have unreasonable expectations of your pets).
76. You will never have to go on a “play date” and be stuck sitting with boring yuppy moms and dads you can't stand just so your kids can play with each other.
77. You can beautify your property with gardens, waterfalls, trees and other natural features instead of stripping it bare for a play area, or junking it up with swing sets, sporting equipment and toys.
78. Packing for vacations and day trips will remain a breeze.
79. Your vacations will actually be relaxing and you will come home rested and refreshed, instead of wiped out and in need of a second vacation.
80. If you have medical insurance and your employer requires you to contribute, your premiums will be much lower than they would if you had kids.
81. You will never have to be embarrassed by a child who is a bad representation of you.
82. You will never have to sit through sappy and annoying kiddie movies or t.v. shows.
83. You can have kid-time if you desire it by taking your nieces, nephews or friends’ children for an afternoon. And then when you’ve had enough, you can give them back and go back to your peaceful life.
84. You will never have to worry about whether you are a bad parent or the long-term psychological damage you are inflicting on a child.
85. Going out for an errand will entail hopping into your car, buckling your seatbelt and leaving instead of a full half hour production to get the kids dressed, fed, ready and situated in the car.
86. You will never have to pack and lug around huge bags of stuff every time you leave the house.
87. On long drives, you can listen to whatever music, radio programs or books on tape you enjoy - instead of grating kiddie music.
88. Your pets can roam freely in your house with no fear of being sat on, squeezed, poked, or having their ears, hair or tails pulled.
89. New Years Eve will continue to be a rockin' late night blow-out affair for you.
90. Your mornings will be quiet and relaxed, instead of a chaotic, beat-the-clock marathon having multiple people to corral, bathe, feed, dress and get out the door on time.
91. You will not have to pay thousands of dollars a year on child care, or burden your family members by using them as babysitters. You will never have to hire a babysitter.
92. Being aggravated, frustrated and irate at home will be a rare occurrence, as opposed to a daily occurrence if you had kids.
93. Your neighbors will appreciate living next door to you.
94. Your boss will appreciate having a reliable employee who works her full hours, calls out sick only rarely, can work overtime if needed, and take on special projects. You might even get a raise, or get promoted.
95. Your friends will appreciate your broad interests, your attentive listening and conversational skills, and the fact that you won't bore them to death talking endlessly about babies and childrearing.
96. You will rarely get sick.
97. You won't be last on your list of people to take care of.
98. You will never have to feel torn between your career and your family - feeling like you are spread too thin and not doing a great job at either.
99. You will set your own agenda.
and...last but not least:
100. You will live a life of pride, knowing that you are courageous trailblazer!
215 comments:
1 – 200 of 215 Newer› Newest»Brilliant! Simply brilliant! :D
I read the entire list and I have to say my favorite reason is #3. I see no reason to give birth to people and add to the population just so someone will (hopefully) love and respect me due to an obligation. You know the whole "I gave you life so you better be grateful and worship me" thing that parents do.
Because I'm childfree, I'm happy to meet other people and through mutual respect and a concerted effort to treat everyone with kindness, many of my friendships have lasted more than 20 years. It's never out of guilt or obligation, it's simply because we enjoy each others company.
Thanks so much for the list Childfreee. And keep on blogging. I look forward to new entries.
Awesome! Nice to be reminded of these so clearly stated now and then!
Well done! I'd like to add a little to #47, though: "You can watch whatever you like on television at any time without censoring, and you can watch and enjoy entire shows or movies without constant interruptions." I can remember evenings spent at the homes of friends with kids, where they suggested we come by to watch a favorite show with them. Of course, I never had ANY idea of what was going on, or could remember plot details, or could hear most of the dialogue because of the constant intrusion and commenting and noise of their children. Invariably, I learned to tape the show at home on those evenings (when we didn't simply opt out of the dinner plans entirely) because we'd have to watch it again anyway, if it was something we really liked. Bleh. If I had kids, I assume I'd pretty much just give up television. I mean, there's no point to watching something if it's just going partially in one ear and out the other.
Beautiful list. And the entry before this was fabulous, too. Makes me proud to be a 'trailblazer'. Thanks again for the beautifully written blog.
I agree -- this is really THE list. Many of the reasons speak directly to why I enjoy not having kids.
Especially #77. I tore up about 85 percent of the lawn in favor of gardens. If I had kids? No way!
Funny, too, that thing about 'neighborhoods with good schools' -- we bought a house in a neighborhood with dead-end streets that isn't too far from an elementary school, even though we couldn't care less.
I guess we did something kinda like zipping into the stork spots ;-)
With the real estate market the way it was 3 years ago, no family with kids could afford the house so we got it!
Great list! These are definitely compelling reasons not to have kids.
I can't stop to read it again and again!
From the article "The rising power of 'geek mums'", here another reason:
She felt being a mother is a "thankless, horrible, awful job that nobody should actually have to do for free - but we do. So blogging is our outlet."
I printed and posted that bitch on my wall. Great stuff to remind you of your values and guiding light for a CF life.
L
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Will Tweet!
Hello, i'm french, and i've just found out your blog. Such a good blog! I learn a lot of things!
I totally agree with your "100 reasons".
Thank you, Sophie and glad you found me! :)
Michael,
Thank you for your comment.
Of course reproduction is natural and all living things do it. What separates humans from plants and animals, however, is that we have the unique ability to reason and act, not out of impulse or on our most base drives, but out of a rational decision of what we decide is best for our individual interests, the interests of our loved ones and of our planet.
Childfree individuals do not advocate an end to human reproduction. What we do advocate for is that each person make his/her own decision thoughtfully, instead of making the decision blindly and impulsively. Having children is wonderful for many people, but it is not the right decision for all people.
The world is overpopulated and an increase in the number of people who refrain from having children can only benefit the earth and humanity as a whole. Does this mean that ALL humans should stop reproducing? Of course not.
Thank you for this list, especially number 65 - never having to set foot in a Chuck E Cheese. I worked there for two hellish years in high school and that experience, coupled with my college job working the Toy department at Target, has been permanent birth control for me for the past 15 years.
This is a great list. I found myself reading and reminiscing. I'll admit it sounds crazy to say:
"Who wants a good night's sleep and disposable income? Screw that! Let's have 8 kids!" I can't explain it, but I don't feel burdened. I DO miss doing what I want, when I want at a moment's notice, absolutely! I guess I've reconciled the fact that this is just a stage. As HawkBaby gets older, I can have those little freedoms back again.
Good post, though. I'll share it with my childfree buddies.
I know this is way late, but I wanted to respond to Michael's post.
Yes, it is natural that creatures reproduce, including humans. BUT, we also have the advantage of advanced medical practices which I believes tips the scales. There would be far less successful births without our knowledge of medicine. In some respect, child bearing has become somewhat unnatural. Wild animals don't have the advantage of ultrasounds and top notch physicians and surgeons to help them out.
So, I think it is only natural that in order to survive and not obliterate our planet, some people can't have children. Luckily, I am one of them and it seems like the number is growing. =)
Awesome blog Childfree! I am glad I found this. I will proceed to read your previous entries. =)
This is great! Really, just confirms to me that I will not be having children, ever; being an uncles and seeing how my brother's & sister's lives were affected* by having children convinced me early in life that having children is a big NO NO for me, personally! In my opinion, I think having children has a greater burden; on the world at large - plus I don't really want to bring life (I'm a man) into this most horrid world, only for them to grow up into adulthood and live a life of suffering - Yes! The world is f**ked, and it is inevitable that soon Earth will be sucked dry...
But, I much prefer being childless, living my life as I want to, free from feeling that I have to fulfill that age old prophecy of Wife+Children; wife - yes, perhaps, children? No
And thank you for the list.
I have referenced each and every one of these reasons at some point. Just the other morning I got out of bed, sat in my chair, left the tv off and enjoyed a cup of coffee in my quiet, cozy home. I thought to myself, "If I had kids, this wonderful, peaceful morning would never have happened". My husband and I love riding our motorcycle; couldn't do that very often with a little one.
One of my girlfriends was telling me about her birthday last week. She said her family took her out to dinner, and then they bought her son a bed. So her kid got a new bed for her birthday...nice birthday present!
I just don't get why people want kids. Kids take and take and take, and all you get in return is whining and back talk. Then they become know-it-all teenagers. Then they become adults who don't ever have time for you because they are busy with their own life!
My peers tell me that I don't know what I'm missing. Uh, yes I do; I see their lives clearly! Who do they think they're fooling? I guess misery loves compan
My husband likes to tell people that we'll have kids once we have too much time and money.
This is a wonderful list!!! I have made a similar list and then came across yours. WE have a lot of overlap (imagine that!). If you'd like to see it here it is: http://saynotobabies.blogspot.com/
It is frustrating sometimes being in such a minority and have people constantly doubt my decision. But I also feel so free and empowered at the same time.
Brilliant list! My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years and have no children out of choice. It's good to know there's a body of people out there who feel the same.
I am quite happy to read your article.
I am very concern about the depletion of our valuable resources.
We should instead work together to conserve our planet. Having more children will certainly burden our planet.
Great article..
Fantastic!
After reading the list all I have to say is ... exactly!!
There is also another important reason, you will never have to look your child in the eye and have them ask you why the hell you would bring another human being into this world. The reality is that we are spiraling out of control past the tipping point as scientist James Lovelock puts it. The damage that we have done to the earth is ir-repairable so sit back and enjoy the ride, having children is pointless and will only escalate the problem and shorten the ride.
Brilliant! I have too many favourites to list! Me and my husband are child-free though choice. I'm 35, so I won't change my mind!
OH GOD!!! The never ending discussion, lol. I say if you don't have them don't judge but also good on you if you don't want any kids but don't criticise people who have children when you don't know them and in every family things work in different ways.
I remember my life when I didn't have kids and to tell you the truth sometimes there are moments and think of things you miss of those days but that is only when I am angry over something but I would never trade it to go back, been there done that. I had my first child nearly entering 30 so I haven't missed out on anything. People that criticise are those who are sick and tired of those sad f**kers asking tham day in day out WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE KIDS!!!!! Those people should mind there own f**king business cause not everybody wants kids. But don't judge those of us who don't give a f**k if you have or not just because WE HAVE. X
A great set of reasons.
I have posted my blog about being CHILD FREE http://goodqueenbess.blogspot.com/ in which I have written a link to this page on the reasons why.
I have written my blog on being CHILD FREE http://goodqueenbess.blogspot.com/
and posted a link to here.
I want to add one:
You won't ever be embarrassed in public when your child decides to blurt out something very off color, or throws a tantrum of epic proportions.
LOVE this! And for those who want to wag their fingers at us Child-free folks... take it elsewhere, please. There is a plethora of outlets for you people all over the internet to wax poetic about your love of children, and why everyone should have them. There are much fewer outlets for those of us who have decided not to be child fetishists. I've been saying for years that I'll start conserving more when other people start reproducing less.
This is an awesome list! They should make a poster out of this. I also really appreciated your response to Michael. Just because animals and plants reproduce with no thought doesn't mean us humans should do the same. And just because I choose not to have kids doesn't mean I think there is anything wrong with people who do choose to procreate. I just want them to stop trying to force their opinions on me. Why is it okay for parents to say to me that I should have kids, but it's not okay for me to declare that I do not want them?
what a fantastic list! I never knew that there were other people out there who felt the same as me.
Amen! My husband I have been happily married for almost two years, and we both agreed, right away, that we would never have children! This way, I can focus all my love on him, and we never have to share each other with anyone else.
I was raised as a (Protestant) Christian, and I still keep that faith today. I love God, and I know that our decision not to reproduce is all right with Him. Some people are not meant to be parents, and He knew that when He created both myself and my husband!
Along the same lines, I was watching a talk show, (I'm not going to say which one) which featured women opposed to the "traditional ideals" and women who are for them. One woman was even so bold to say something along the lines of: "Women are supposed to get married and have babies." Really? Then what were men created for? Why aren't they subjected to the same stupid expectations?
Thank you for providing this great wealth of information! Because of forward-thinking women, like yourself, people like me are less likely to be considered a "freak." I'm glad I'm a modern woman!
I must agree. Brilliant list.
I am torn half and half. Part of me really wants to have a child in my future after I have enjoyed the rest of my twenties(I am currently 23) and found someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but then I think of the other half of me which does not want children for many reasons on the list. Until reading the list it never hit me and the only one that I can think of and the biggest one to me. 53. You will never have to endure the loss of a child. I have been heartbroken before in High School and recently by someone that I was deeply in love with and the pain of dealing with being heartbroken is unbearable at least to me. I can not even imagine the loss of a child. The guilt, the blame, the pain. Just thinking about it makes it hurt. I know its a lot to think about at 23. I would ask that some people in future comments express somethings and hopefully you can help this young adult find their way for their future. I know the reasons why many of the people are childfree, what I want to know though is... Those that have children, they say that having a child is the biggest and most enjoyable thing in life and their is nothing like it, and I want to know if that is true? To look into their eyes and see the innocence, to relive childhood through them, to see them accomplish every little victory, small or big. Is it true that they are worth every bit of sacrifice you have to make for them? Thanks for the blog and anyone that posts its a lot to think about. -Sunfire
I absolutely adore your blog! I stumbled on this post a few days ago when I was searching for reasons not to have kids for a sociology paper I'm writing. I'm a 22-year-old college student, and I am 99% positive that I don't EVER want to have kids. I only came to this realization recently and have already been questioned/judged.
When I mentioned to my sister this week that I don't think I want to have kids her response was, "Well, then what are you going to do with your life?" Ummm, seriously? And one day, before I had even consciously come to this decision, I said to my step-grandpa something starting with "If I have kids..." and his response was, "What do you mean IF?"
I never realized until this past week that being childfree was as controversial as it is. I really enjoy reading your blog and hearing from other CFers. You make so many good points. Please keep up the good work!
I completely disagree with this article and with anyone who have these beliefs. First and foremost is because the Bible says to “be fruitful and multiply. Number two reason is because the article contradicts itself. For example, in the case of number seven, how long do you think it takes to pursue your educational goals, and sadly, there are not too many people who even have educational goals. Number eight and number eleven are contradictory because if you have pets, you still must watch what you bring into your house regardless if you have pets and/or babies. Number nine is funny. Have you ever seen a man’s garage before he cleans it. Some garages look worse than a house with four children. Number twelve is sad because even though there are people who wait to have kids, they still don’t give enough attention to their spouse. Number eleven is incorrect because who wants to give love to something that does not have the capacity to return love. Number twelve is why America is so unhealthy and obese. If you have pets, then number 14 is conflicting as well. Number fifteen is false because some people don’t even know what their identity truly is or where it lies. And the last one that I will touch on is number twenty-two. What makes any person believe that just because you don’t have children, you are absolved of any responsibility of being a good example to someone. In conclusion I would like to say that I am glad that my parents did not take this stand. Also, people that have these beliefs is one reason why America is in the condition we are in.
Jermiah, your post was funny..I almost believed you not only spelled your own blog-name wrong, but that you really WERE a dogma-spewing, naive conformist incapable of critical thinking! Loved the bible quote, "Go forth and multiply..."; with the world's food supply on track to run out mid-century, there are some people who actually STILL follow this! The best was, "What makes any person believe that just because you don’t have children, you are absolved of any responsibility of being a good example to someone?" Between home-schooling right-wing isolationists teaching their kids revisionist history and false 'science', to lazy parents who can't even set behavior examples for their OWN kids, this line really sticks it to the blind sheep that make up the automaton natalist masses..great parody!
Uh...your comment WAS a joke, right?!
Jermiah, you have the right to your opinions and beliefs, but the Bible is irrelevant to me in my child-free choice. Plus, you say "the article contradicts itself."......er, so does the Bible.
I couldn't have said it better myself! I'm so tired of all these women (and men) judging me and criticizing me for not wanting kids. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it! Thanks for writing such a great article! :)
Oh, and Jermiah (is that how you spell it?), just because the bible says, “Be fruitful and multiply", doesn't mean we are required to reproduce. It's not a sin and God surely is not going to stop loving us if we don't have kids. Also, to what condition are you referring America is in as a result of some people wanting to be childfree? Are you saying America is a bad place to live because of people like us?
I felt selfish reading this. I am 25 yrs old, served 6 years in the Army and had to suffer my daughters death from negligence of military doctors, then a year later watch my 3 week old son die of heart failure.
I would give my own life for my children to have a chance at living their own.
Having children might not always be wonderful times, but there is no one else you'll truly love more.
@ itstarsjoelle,
I am truly sorry for the losses of your children, losing loved ones is a heart breaking ordeal and I genuinely feel for you. However, I don't think it's fair to generalize, making a blanket statement that "there is no one else you'll truly love more". Love is totally individual, and we've ALL seen people who clearly DON'T love their kids very much at all. It negates & trivializes the love that people have for anyone else in their life by implying that they couldn't possibly love them as much as a parent loves their child. Nobody can speak on anyone else's behalf that way, only the individual knows the depth of love they have for another. It's very ignorant to tell someone that any love they experience in their life will never measure up to the love they'd have for a kid; what is true for one person is not necessarily true for the next.
Nobody else gets to dictate who I will "truly love". I guarantee, I love my husband every bit as much as a lot of parents love their child, and nobody has any right telling me I don't.
I know this is late and that nobody will probably see this, but Jermiah, you along with too many people use that "be fruitful and multiply" line. I don't have a religion but I'm sure this was said when, I'm assuming, there weren't a lot of people in the world, now there are too many people in the world. We've multiplied enough. I don't know what you said because you're comment was deleted when I came on here. From other people's comments it seems you said that reproducing is natural or instinctual. This is true but unlike other animals, humans can resist those urges and combat instinct with logic to make a different, usually better-for-the-world decision. Okay I'm done with my mini-rant. Nobody will probably read this but it does make me feel better that I was able to write this out.
@ Suu - Haha, I read it. :P And yes, I completely agree with what you said. This world is WAY more populated than it needs to be, but people still want to keep making huge families! Go adopt some homeless kids in China and Africa if you want a big family! Who cares if they aren't your biological kids, you'll love them just the same right? After all, love is love and should be equal for everyone. I'm tired of hearing people say, "No, I don't want to adopt, I want the satisfaction and joy of raising my own biological kids." Ugh. Haha. Okay, I think I'm done for now. :P
if these are all the reasons you can come up with not to have kids, then it's a good thing you've decided not to be a parent. I don't think you'd be a very good one.
As a mother to triplets, most of what is in this top 100 list, I no longer take for granted. You have every right to your opinion & to be CF. I would advocate those that do not want children to stand proud. There is nothing wrong w/ that but this list makes me sad. Selfishness is what comes to mind. Taking the little things for granted is another. I enjoy the times I can sleep in BUT I enjoy much better the hugs & kisses I receive from my kids. If you ever have a child, your perspective will change. I was once a CF liver & enjoyed it so much that I only promised my husband 1 child. God played a good one on me & gave me 1 PREGNANCY that gave us THREE children. Never in a million years would I have thought I would enjoy motherhood & staying at home as much as I do now. This is coming from someone that has a Masters degree & 2 Bachelors degrees. I was just smart enough to figure myself out, reach my educational goals & achieve most of my career goals BEFORE children & I'm only 35. If you are truly a CFer for life, good. Stand by your decision but in doing so, don't spin negatively on parenthood. It's a respect thing.
Thanks!
I think this is sad. I love being a mommy. What I do agree with is that you should not have kids if you don't want them. If you cannot find the beauty in a life of "cleaning snotty noses" please do everyone a favor and stay child free.
Good for you for creating mutual ground for so many people, I guess :)
Some people are not meant to be parents. This list and the fact that some are praising it so highly are proof of this. Get your tubes tied/snipped and live your lives.
YES having kids is a huge sacrifice!! But there are so many blessings that come along with it. Since you don't have kids - I'm assuming by your responses - this is something you'll never fully understand. And that's okay. You have a right to decide if raising a child is right for you or not. No ones forcing you to do so.
CF people are selfish and can't appreciate the little things? I went on a one-week service retreat in high school and finally understood why I need to put other's needs before my own. I actually listened in religion class btw and already knew I had to, but the service trip made it real. I don't need to have a kid to see the beauty in a sunset or the last flower of summer, struggling to stay alive. It took having a child for you to see all this? I already get it. And if you were so selfish and ignorant of simple pleasures, why did you reproduce?
Awww! I love the not-passive-agressive-at-all pity the mommies throw our way. I'm so glad they care about us. I guess it's really true - once you have a child, your heart opens up in so many ways. These mommies have proven to me what selfless, loving, saintly people all mothers are. I mean, to be able to pity us instead of ripping us apart. I feel like I just received a warm, sweet hug from the Blessed Virgin herself.
Bwah-hahahah! I couldn't type any more drivel without laughing. My sarcasm was running out. CF for life!!!
It strikes me that more and more, especially with IVF, childbirth is increasingly not "natural."
You want "selfish"? How about volunteering in a library sometime, and seeing how many kids who are having problems in school are just dumped on the librarians without rules, options for lunch, proper coats or socks or mittens in cold weather, or without supervision so that they can view inappropriate material on the internet? (While porn is not allowed, it is not the librarian's job to babysit what the kids are watching, and a lot of it is vile.) Yes, the childfree librarians are "selfish" while these kids' parents are pillars of the community.
This makes you "sad"? Then don't read such blog posts, you judgmental, controlling PITA! How dare anyone hold up the rest of society so that parents can have their children? (Because that is exactly what the Childfree are doing, my dears!)
How dare anyone actually try to make this a better world for children that are not theirs? Because as long as you are willing to "live a second-class lifestyle for my child" or work for the Man on the Man's terms, and are "too busy" to run for city council, etc., you are only creating a Machiavellian future for your children. Have you parents ever thought about that?
Small wonder that the benefits that Americans fought for - an eight-hour work week, union representation, health care, etc. - are disappearing along with sophisticated, adult pleasures such as bars, cocktail parties, and R-rated films without children in the audience. Americans have reproduced like rabbits and then knuckled under to working like dogs. And any fear that corporate cable television and the internet throws at them - they snap it up like a bone!
It is a revelation to watch films and to listen to music from the 1960s and 1970s, in which people have fewer hang-ups and still know how to enjoy the good life, and to compare them to today's depressing fare of Britney, Justin, "Life As We Know It [Is Over!]," and awful "swagger wagon" commercials.
"Freedom" has indeed become slavery. If you want to be "sad," go cry for yourself and for your lost dignity, you proles. As not for whom the reality show "Intervention" files into a room - it comes for thee.
Unmarried, childfree, and not afraid.
Lol at reaperess "I guess it's really true - once you have a child, your heart opens up in so many ways."
LMAO at Jermiah too, but in a totally different way.
I must say that I agree with Surviving Triplets. I have a friend who wants to be CF and I support him in that decision. It's the right one for him. He doesn't make fun of me for my choice and I don't pity him for his. There seems to be a lot of negativity towards people who do chose to have children from these comments. I realize it can be irritating when you have people harrassing you about your choice, however that's no reason to have a rude and negative attitude towards those who choose to have children.
As far as Reaperess goes... yea, I think you totally made the right decision. You go be CF girl... No pity for you from me AT ALL!!! *sarcasm... it's a wonderful thing*
Wow. You'd think all of the pro-kiddies people and condescending mommies would be busy with... their kids. I actually found this... from someone showing me a thread on a parenting site that was full of bitter, whiny, angry mothers talking about how naive the writer of this blog is and how she's totally missing out and is never going to experience the miraculous gift of giving up her life to be a slave to some small people who will never actually be worth it.
All the while, claiming motherhood made them happy, prevented divorce(stay together for the kids, then you won't resent the little shits!) and any number of contradictory statements... I mean what the fuck are they doing on a message board about parenting if they're so busy enjoying parenting? Seriously, that shit is sad. I really used to go back and forth and wonder whether or not I'd ever have kids... I'm nearly twenty-four... I really have never thought of it as something I wanted. If the bitterness of the parents I've encountered in my life(not just my own, I'm talking about everyone with kids) weren't enough to turn me off to the idea... pretty much everything else is. You know, like reason and logic.
Based on this list, I'm not entirely sure you actually know anyone with children. Everyone is entitled to their choice in having kids. I understand some people have no desire to reproduce, and that doesn't automatically make them selfish. However I do find it offensive that because I have children, I am no longer capable of carrying on an adult conversation or that I am just a butt wiping servant. There is more to having children than just the superficial things you mentioned in your list. Oh and by the way, labor isn't agony even without drugs. :)
Why are some of the Mommies suddenly coming on and berating the CF?
Most of us aren't anti-kid or anti-parenting, we just don't want kids!
Just because we don't automatically think that there is more to life than breeding and have made a active decision to be CF, doesn't make us selfish.
Many people don't really think enough about having children and just do it without thinking of the consequences. At the same time (before I get slated) many people DO think about it before hand, then STILL have children. Good for them.
The decision to be CF is a personal one, just as much as the personal decision to HAVE children is. It is as valid.
If you want to have kids: fine.
If you don't: fine
It just seems to be acceptable to bamboozle someone with "Why are you child-free?" when "Why DID you have children?" isn't?
I don't go on parent blogs and complain about their lists of why having children is so awesome; I'm wondering why parents would come onto a childfree blog and complain about a post listing the things that childfree people love about the choice to not have children. Doth the lady/lord protest too much?
Hahaha. Reaperess, you totally made me laugh. XD I AM glad, however, that some people with children agree with my decision to be childfree and understand where I'm coming from. I actually have a co-worker/friend who has 4 kids and told me she totally agrees with my decision for wanting to be childfree. She even (jokingly) told me she'd give me a vasectomy! XD It just goes to show that having kids isn't for everyone, so those with kids shouldn't judge those who don't want kids and look down on them.
I agree with Bravewolf! How strange it is to me that someone would read a blog that doesn't apply to them and then go on to complain about what it says. I wouldn't even take the time to read a mommy blog, no desire since it doesn't apply to me and I have things to do with my time besides sit online and bash others for their decisions. The fact that there are any mommys on here being so disrespectful makes me appreciate the fact that I am childfree even more. And the fact that I would never go to one of these mommys and berrate them for their decisions. It must be a terribly lonely life if you have to try to convince those who don't want it that they are wrong.
I can only speak for myself. I saw a link online regarding this post and thought I'd check it out. I like reading blogs on all kinds of topics. For example I'm not artsy but I love photography and craft blogs. I have no issue at all with someone deciding that they don't want to have kids. As I said, I have a friend who has made this decision and I fully support him. My issue wasn't with the original post. It's just amazing to me that based on some of these replies that the decision to be CF apparently also entails having a condescending and outright hateful attitude towards those who do choose to have children. I believe that the choice is yours to have kids and it's not for everyone. However I don't believe that being CF is a "superior" choice. What's right for one isn't right for all. That goes with being CF as well as having kids.
Stacy, part of our decision to not have children and one of the reasons we appreciate this blog is that we do strongly believe that having children is the wrong decision and we like having a place where we can share our thoughts with others who feel the same. This blog isnt a place to debate on having children or not. The title says it all, and most of us who are posting comments feel the same way. By you and the other mommies who continue to hang around our treehouse (to use a metaphore you would understand) you are only strengthening our beliefs. Please breed as many dependants as you would like but leave us alone to be happy and child free!
Thank you! This list has helped me confirm my own opinions and reservations on being childfree. I've been 90% sure that I did not want children for as long as I can remember.
Since the birth of my first niece four months ago, the recessive 10% has been nagging at me, but after reading the points about being a wonderful aunt, my stance is confirmed. I believe that I can still make a difference in the world by being a good aunt and mentoring my niece when she gets older. Not to mention I can be more attentive to her when I do look after her, and I will also have the resources to spoil her a little.
On a lighter note, has anyone seen "Idiocracy" by Mike Judge? It's all about how "survival of the fittest" no longer applies in today's society. The ignorant reproduce at a faster rate than the intelligent, and almost wipe out the entire human race within 500 years.
How long did it take all the mommy commentors to write a coherent thought/comment? How many times did you have to get up to do something child related before you got through the whole list? Yeah- that's why I'm not going to reproduce. My time is my time. Call me selfish again, cause the truth of the matter is I am. I love my life, im fulfilled. Why does that threaten you?
@Ryan Doan - I respect your decision not to have children. I myself do not have any children, and until relatively recently thought I might remain childfree for life myself. However, I have come to the conclusion based on my own desires that I do want to have children. I respect some of what is written in this post, and agree that you do give up some adult freedoms when you have a child.
What I do not respect are backhanded comments and disrespectful jabs at those who do choose to have children. For example, your comment: "... to hang around our treehouse (to use a metaphore you would understand)..." Those of us who choose to have children may be losing a part of our adult freedom, but that does not give you the right to belittle us in that way. I completely respect the choice not to have children. I do not find you selfish. I just ask for the same respect in return.
It's sad that horrendous situations like parents KILLING their children seem to be more prevalent these days! Why is it that if one wants to adopt a child, they have to jump thru all kinds of hoops and every little aspect of their lives have to be examined, but any crackhead or mental case out there can have as many children as they want (or DON'T want)and no one dares tell them any different! The last time I adopted a CAT I had to at least fill out a questionnaire giving the institution some info about myself and my intentions!
I have no solution to that - our society would never accept any mandatory criteria for parenting ~ but it makes you think, doesn't it?
(BTW, I'm 52, CF, and still happy with my decision!)
I'm confused? You do realize that you were once a child, right? Someone that was worth time, energy and love (I think).
I have 4 kids and a few pets. I have no idea why your saying you would have a clean home with pets. My kids don't shit and piss on the floor/backyard, knock over trash cans, and tear up furniture and carpet. There is no freedom when you have pets. Their is no spontaneity, to go on vacations. You devote endless hours to walking your pet and cleaning up after your pet. You spend a heck of a lot of money on pets.
I have a 4 month old, 3, 6 and 9 year old and we all sleep through the night, my husband and I eat in peace, have a clean house, spend time together and spend time as a family. We go to fancy restraunts (the kids are people too) and travel is not limited to summer and spring break (we homeschool) I still have my identity and persue my interests. You must think kids are brats that don't know how to do anything for themselves and run around like animals. You couldn't be more wrong about kids...
kandjmac
Thanks for your comment.
My house (with pets) is FAR neater, cleaner and better smelling than any house of anyone I know who has kids. In fact, I almost break out into hives when I enter my friends' and families' homes with children because the mess and chaos is more than I can bare.
Parents (including my own) have children for THEIR benefit and for the joy they hope to get out of it, not for the child's benefit. If people are truly interested in benefitting others, they adopt homeless orphans rather than to bring more people into the world for the pleasure of having a little mini-me.
I have an awesome sex life, a smoking hot wife, a solid perfect marrage, a great job, lots of free time, a home in the works of being built.... and I'm only 24. Why would I want to throw that all away? Her parents whine that they want "baby grandchildren". I say, "You want a baby, then have another kid yourself! You were stupid enough to do it the first time. Don't b*tch at us just because we're not going to make the same mistake!" But they could never have another kid, because now, their sex life is more dead than roadkill. My wife's parents stopped having sex when she came along. I doubt they even remember how to do it anymore. And they're only 50 and 49. Yeah...... screw THAT! Now they hate eachother. Raising a daughter was something neither of them was TRULY ready for, and it put they're marrage under considerable strain. And how CAN you really be ready? You'd need four of yourself, at least 100,000 dollars, and a separate home and identity to start with. And Marine training wouldn't hurt either. You can never be ready for an organism that will love you and depend on you soley for it's survival. Have a kid, and THEY are your life now. I would rather keep mine, and my wife's. I have a rare form of ED my doctor has never seen. It makes ejaculation nearly impossible to achieve through normal means. Basically, I can't get my wife pregnant through normal means no matter WHAT I do, and I've had three years to test that theory. So in general, we can have great unprotected sex, and not worry about a thing. This list reminded me of how lucky I am to have this ED problem.
I'm childfree myself but this list is incredibly... er... optimistic. Or naive. I had to laugh when I see you think all it takes is no kids for me to never get sick, have oodles of money and do whatever I want at all times.
A couple of your points made me feel sad for you, too. Never loving in case you have to suffer loss is not really a fulfilling way to live your life.
Kelemen
Thanks for your comment and I am sorry you have not had the good fortune yet to experience all the benefits being childfree has to offer. My list doesn't claim that CF never get sick, but we do get sick a heck of a lot less frequently than our child-encumbered peers, that's for sure!
And who's not "loving"? I get (and give) lots of love to the people in my life...my hubby, my family, my friends, my pets. Not sure what you're getting at.
Are you sure you're REALLY CF? Me thinks you may be a parent in disguise.
Oh no! Diguised parents, run! Haha. I kid, I kid. :P
On a slightly more serious note, I told this girl yesterday that I don't ever want kids and she said, "Oh my gosh, that's so sad!" and I said, "Nah, not really."
What's the big deal? Haha. I've gone the first 24 years of my life without a kid, so I can sure as hell survive the rest of it without one. ;)
The most recent comment I got after saying I'm child-free by choice, was "Oh my God! Really?" "What?" "REALLY? I though EVERY woman wanted children" Followed by several strange expressions and gasps. It was as if I expressed an opinion that I liked to eat babies!!
I have a 5 year old son and love him to pieces. This article was interesting, however. This is my brief take on the points raised that caught my attention:
#30 and #43- I have these physical qualities despite having my son at age 41. Good genes, I guess.
#53-My worst nightmare. I pray this never happens.
#65-Funny!
#68-Very true.
Awesome list! #28 wouldn't work with me at all. I like to swear, and one of my favourite TV shows has excessive swearing (Trailer Park Boys). Plus I can't handle loud noises and I'm cheap in general. And I don't want to add another brat to an already over-taxed Earth. (What is this adoption that you speak of?)
I can't comprehend how poor my wife and I would be if we had to spend money on a kid. Even with the tax breaks I think it would still be quite a struggle. We don't live "paycheck to paycheck" and I don't plan on ever living that way. Women at my work keep having more kids and it baffles me as to how they pay for them. We have a dog that we love even though he's insane sometimes. That's enough of a kid for us.
And luckily my brother recently had his first kid (oops) so now my mother has a human grandchild. I kept telling her she wasn't getting one from us!
There are a lot of really great reasons to stay childfree on this blog. I myself am still on the fence about it.
I'm curious to know if the writer totally dislikes kids altogether or if the severe negativity in many of the points is to illustrate a "worst case scenario". It works, but tends to be a little bit aggressive in spots.
Also, on a more humorous note, regarding the one about crappy teen pop music...let us never speak of our own crappy music from those sad, sad years :) I cringe when something from that era is played. It is best forgotten lol.
I always really wanted children. Truthfully my mind is still in limbo. My current partner and I have been together about a year, he doesn't particularly want kids. This was a disappointing for me to hear. I just started working with children a year ago. I do enjoy it, but secretly I also enjoy giving them back. This opened my eyes to the reality of caring for kids. My younger sister also found out recently she is pregnant and happy about it. I was happy for her but also some disappointment for myself at first. I'll be honest I'm still not sure. So I started to think again, ok, what would life be like without children, just to satisfy my curiosity. My mother has six children, she has aged quickly sadly and struggled for years before. I cant help thinking she would have lived her life more fulfilling if she had less, or dare I say none. (Not great for me to not exist). But it's starting to sink in the concept of keeping my life, sanity, and health for myself. My boyfriend and I are still undecided, not to mention the fact that we are still in an early relationship anyway. But I'm glad to at least look at the subject from a refreshingly realistic approach.
The list was lengthy because it was redundant. Not only that it seems to be more accurately a criticism of suburbanite culture. You do not have to raise brats in a plastic consumer lifestyle, drive an SUV and be a PTA dweeb. If the list was shortened it would have been more powerful. It would be better to just highlight the quality of life for the child growing up in an over populated planet, economic conditions, police state, NOT the self-centered petty rants about having to be a better person and putting a child before yourself.
If that is such a worry, you should not have pets. They might bite someone, bark at night, annoy neighbors, get run over by a car, pee on furniture, and some ppl might be allergic. You should not have plants because not only do you need to water them but you'll have to get someone else to do it if you go away for a while and eventually they might die and you'll feel bad. For that matter, you should not get close to anyone romantically or even platonic because you'll have to consider their opinions and they might even hurt you emotionally. And don't get involved with your community because others may want you to volunteer your time or help out those that are struggling.
I know people who embody the characteristics listed here and they are not happy. If these points resonate with you, then you are absolutely right not to have kids. Personally, I think people who want kids should adopt, provided they can provide a better home.
i fully agree with this list, having kids is not worth it.
I'm a CF but many of my friends are considering joining the child bearing band wagon. I showed one of them this 100 list. And he played devil's advocate and came back with his own.
Though the irony is that if your (or my) parents felt the same way, we wouldn't be having this discussion.We could add that without kids (a smaller list)
(1) You will become more self centered, as you will never have to compromise, or forgo your
(2) Never learn to love something else as much or perhaps more than yourself
(3) Not have meaningful adult relationshis because adult relationships require compromise, sacrifice, tolerance, forebearance -- all qualities that kids help inculcate
(4) Buy more useless shit as your discretionary income will not have to be allocated to things like education, healthcare, childcare, etc.
(5) Lack an extended or have a diminshed support structure, especially when you get older (as you will not have kids or grandkids)
(6)Have a less developed character, as will not have to make yourself vulnerable to the fact that your kids may make poor decisions, may get hurt or not love you as they get older
(7) Your identity will be narrowly defined in terms of only those things you choose to indulge in
(8) You will not be exposed to a whole host of other relationships and experiences as you will be home vegging out more of the time
(9) You will never learn to love in a fuller, more complete way-- your idea of love will be limited to friendships and maybe romantic love. However, we all know that relationships and friendships can often end rather abruptly and often for silly reasons, whereas the love one feels for a child, especially in the beginning, is perhaps the closes we as humans come to altruistic, uncondictional love.
(10) You will never witness first steps, first words, and whole litany of other firsts that, as every parent can attest to, is incomparable to most other events in one's life.
(11) you will never get to feel pride in the accomplishments of another, as even the accomplishments of our friends, more often than not, evoke just a tinge of jealousy and competitiveness.
(12) You will never have the opportunity to witness hope, idealisim, trust, love and joy and all of those other greater qualities in human beings that adulthood tends to beat out when you get older and jaded.
(13) The human race would die!
Dear Patee,
To your "friend" (who I suspect may actually be you), I am pleased to offer a reply, since you have listed many stereotypes of childfree folks which are false:
1. By nature of having more disposible time, CF have the ability to be more selfless, involved and engaged with their families, friends and communities, volunteer work, etc., whereas parents' entire existence revolves around the bubble of their immediately household and the demands of their kids. The ability to compromise is something CF people engage in daily in their relationships with spouses, coworkers, bosses, friends and family members.
2. I love my husband more than myself. Honestly.
3. CF have more meaningful adult relationships than parents for numerous reasons - they have more time, energy and attention to devote to their adult relationships, they are able to maintain their interests, hobbies and knowledge of current events, which makes them more interesting friend material than parents who ramble on and on and on endlessly about their kids, they are truly available for their friends, unlike people who have kids and disappear under the burden of their childrearing responsibilities and activities.
4. Parents BY FAR buy more "useless shit" than the childfree. Their houses are chock loaded with plastic kindercrap and kiddie junk that fills landfills and adds to global warming. Add to that the thousands of diapers, clothes that kids are constantly growing out of, large gas-guzzling cars, larger houses which are needed to house said children and the list goes on and on. The idea of the CF as "materialistic" is just a stereotype. Yes, we generally have more disposible income, but that doesn't mean we're using it to fill our lives with useless junk. Many of us use our extra money to save for retirement, donate to charity, spend on activities and outings with our family and friends.
5. As evidenced by the thousands and thousands of elderly whose children dump them in nursing homes and don't visit, having children is no guarantee of a
support structure in old age. In fact, the CF, by nature of having more disposible income to invest in retirement savings, have more security and the ability to provide for their own care. Additionally, because they have have more time, energy and resources than parents to nurture meaningful relationships with family and friends, they are able to develop a strong network of people who care for them deeply.
6. The CF, by nature of having the time, energy and resources to devote themselves to self-development, volunteer activities and meaningful and dedicated relationships with their loved ones, are able to develop stronger characters and personal identity than parents who must sacrifice all of their energy and their entire identity to their children. Many parents, especially mothers, complain and mourn the loss of their identities once they have kids.
7. Parents' identity is fully defined by what they choose to indulge in - having kids, whereas the CF person's identity is more diverse and well-rounded as they are able to sustain a richer, more diverse identity developed by their many relationships, interests, educational pursuits, travels, etc.
8. As mentioned several times above, by nature of having more time, energy and disposible income, the CF have much more latitude than parents to develop and nurture meaningful relationships with friends and family. I don't know many CF people who are sitting home "vegging out". In fact, the parents I know are more homebodies than the CF people I know, who are constantly on the go, living life to its fullest.
9. I am thrilled that my husband is the person I love most in life, and that I am the same for him. I am also so happy that my husband will NEVER take second place to another person (i.e. child) and that I can devote myself fully to the joy of being his wife. Most people would claim that the love a person has for their child is "unconditional" but as I write this, I am waiting to hear the verdict of the Casey Anthony trial, a young mother who killed her child so she could live the party lifestyle. I am pretty confident the love she felt for that child was NOT unconditional. In fact, child abuse is rampant and most children who are murdered are done so at the hands of their parents, so having a child is NOT a guarantee of having "unconditional love".
10. I've witnessed all these things because I have nieces, nephews and children of friends and while they are exciting events and I am happy to witness them, there other things in life I find much more exciting and interesting (which don't require a lifetime of burden).
11. I feel pride every day in the accomplishments of the people I love including my husband, my close friends, my family (brothers, nieces, nephews) and the list goes on and on. A person doesn't need to have kids to enjoy the successes of another and CF have no shortage of loved ones in their lives.
12. I not only witness hope, idealisim, trust, love and joy and all of those other greater qualities in human beings on a daily basis, I EXPERIENCE them myself and this is mostly due to the fact that I am not beaten down, jaded and wrung out by being a parent. In fact, this is one of the greatest things about being CF - being able to live the full spectrum of life instead of living in the limited bubble of childrearing which is all consuming and psychologically and spiritually exhausting.
13. And this is a bad thing?
On the topic of the human race dying:
Our successful efforts at overpopulating the earth is what will eventually kill off the human race. Our earth reached a supposed "maximum capacity" awhile ago, and we show absolutely NO signs of slowing down or curtailing our breeding habits for the greater good. As a species, we selfishly just don't care. Who stops to consider the environmental impact having a child is going to have? No parents that I've ever known.
Sooner or later, the earth will begin to rebel. You may see this in greater famine, drought, war, disease, or a combination of all of the above. The human species is rocketing full throttle towards destruction, and overpopulation of our earth is the number one cause.
OMG, Pateee333....get a life! Why would a "childfree" person come up with all of those completely lame and unconvincing "reasons" to have children? You sound like a pathetic parent trying to convince yourself that you did the right thing. If you're happy being a parent, that's great. But this is a CHILDFREE blog, and this is not the place to come for validation of your choice.
OMG, This post is still growing! Great! A question: I have been told by at least three people that "I love my kids and I would die for them, but if I had it to do over, I wouldn't have had them". Have any of you been told this by any of your (honest) childed friends?
Nanci, my friends with children look at my wife and I, how happy we are, active in the community, service to those in need, mentors of local youth, and say the same thing. Naturally they love their children, but if they knew then what they know now, they would not have children. This childfree movement is refreshing to see, but I see it as more of a natural phenomenon as people start to see a "tired" planet and dwindling resources, and are merely looking out for themselves. We see others who have gobs of children as irresponsible and a threat to our own survival in the long run. Without coal and oil our planet sustained roughly 1 billion people and a modest growth rate. If you look at our population levels post industrialization it is like someone threw a match on a puddle of gasoline to use an appropriate analogy. We should all pray for peak oil every day, it might be the only thing that will save our planet. Those of us who see what is coming should encourage our childfree friends to remain childfree, and possibly start doing things like learning how to grow food again, simplify our lives, foster community relationships, etc. Those of you with children attempting to justify your irresponsible decision, please get a life and stop hanging out on our blog.
No no no! It's not MEEE!!! Seriously!!!! LOL
It was REALLY a friend of mine!!!
Him and I (plus some other pals) have been having this long debate via email. I found his list to be soooo stupid too! And then his wife also verbally told me that she thinks having children will help a person grow as a person. To learn to tolerate better, be more patient, etc. etc. Instead of being a prima-donna and only think of themselves.
And I'm sitting there listening to her and thinking "Gee thanks, is that what I'm going to turn into in your mind since I'm choosing to be CF?" Sheesh!!!!
Again! It's not MEEEE! I'm a total CF believer and I'm so glad I found this site, amongst others. It's a safe haven for me.
So I sent my friend your reply to his little "devil's advocate" list and included my own thoughts and opinions. The below is his response to it.
**********************
I think you could've ended your rather lengthy response at "children are not for everyone". It seems that you have already made up your mind about a rather complex topic, so I'm not sure why you feel the need to justify yourself, if you're happy with your choices (the 100 reasons!!).
Also, the earth has not reached its carrying capacity--- and won't for several billion more people (I can show you the data if you want, as I cover a fair amount of demography in the classes I teach). Also, even if it has, we will all get old at some point and die, so some kids are probably necessary.
I am also interested in your thoughts on marriage -- why get married; what purpose does it serve, if one has a meaningful relationship with all the legal benefits in its absence (after all its just another antiquated institution on its way out,at least according to latest census data).
Lastly, I would much rather have these sorts of discussions in person, without the aid of the internet and the relative safety of email. It's much more interesting in person, and would be a nice change from our discussions about other non-substantive things.
Patee, I am glad to know the parent who made the list is NOT you. Believe me, I get plenty of parents posting comments on my blog masquerading as childfree folks and their posts usually read like your, "I'm a CF person but my FRIEND said this..."
Thanks for posting your friend's reply and you can pass this message on for me:
I LOVE replying (in length) to messages like yours because your message represents in one short list most of the false stereotypes and ignorant ideas that the childfree (and this blog) are subjected to on a daily basis. One of the missions of my blog is to enlighten people and illuminate (and correct) the false information that's out there about what it means to be childfree. So thank you for giving me another opportunity to set the record straight.
I will turn the tables on YOU and ask the same question you asked of me...if you are so happy being a parent, why are you justifying your choice by trying to invalidate our choice?
Hm?
It an amusing list if the purpose is meant to be comedic, but the replies and debate seem to indicate that the comedic intent was lost on a lot of folks.
If youa re taking this issue seriously, then arguments for having children or for remaining childfree should remain exactly that, arguments for the thing you are supporting.
Most of this list is framed in negative terms, or at least in terms of avoiding a supposed negative about having children.
The devil's advocate list and discussion about the devil's advocate list goes the same way.
But stating a negative about one thing is not equivalent to stating a positive for the other. There are plenty of childfree people who will still not manage to have "meaningful...adult relationships" or "save for a comfortable retirement" or "be engaged aunts and uncles" or pursue their career and educational goals.
Being childfree isn't a golden ticket to any of those things. They all require work and effort.
And plenty of people with children have avoided the pitfalls you talk about. I have a happy marriage, a doctorate, a great career and retirement savings, and three kids that I think I raised pretty well and I still have a smoking hot wife (who is also the mom of the three kids).
And I have three great friends who I've known for 30 years that have never had children and I haven't one time tried to convince them they were wrong or less than me, and they haven't once cast their choices in terms of all the negatives they have avoided in the way this list does.
They also have a lot of the things that are on this list, but it's not because they are childfree, it's because they worked hard at making their lives the way that they wanted them to be, and they never wanted children.
Sure there are some things we don't do together because their social circles and activities don't overlap with mine. But I would never think less of them for the decision not to have kids, and they've never thown anything back in my face about my decision to have kids.
I find this whole list really weird and more than a little offensive for that reason. We already have enough things to divide us, why make such an important life decision a prejudicial categorization of "us" and "them"?
Armory
The answer to your question is that most childfree people are lambasted for their decision, marginalized and made to feel that they are foolish, confused, selfish and misinformed.
Yes, there is some humor to the list, but primarily it is a serious list and I can tell you from my own experience that most of the benefits I enjoy from being childfree are NOT from serious effort or hard work, they are from avoiding that one simple decision of having kids. You are correct that being childfree is not a magic ticket to a life full of ease and benefits, but by making the decision to not have a kids, a person automatically spares themselves from a whole host of struggles and hardships without exerting any effort whatsoever.
I think some people miss the point of this list (AND this blog). I believe we CF people like this list - NOT because we need to be validated, NOT because we are trying to convince ourselves we did the right thing, and NOT to put parents down. Most of us like this list because we have run across SO many people who don't understand why we don't have kids, and if some of us don't have a lot of CF friends (like me), they feel like they are the only ones who are happily childfree, and that no one understands! I love the fact that I can come here (I actually author another CF blog myself) and can see that there are people who feel the way I do! Thanks again for this list!
Love it, not to mention an earlier retirement than your peers!!
HEY... What about the fact that you will have a satisfying, UNSTRETCHED particular body part to aid in whatever Tantra acts of your choice!!!
I am not a MAN, but every one of them I've talked to who''s a DAD, says it's "just not the same" after the kid. PERIOD!
Thank you for this post! It was refreshing...and the comments after definitely created a stir in my CF household :-)
This is in response to the parents who had to, even on a CF blog, justify their choices by condemning those who chose diffently.
How many species have been eliminated because the human population has, without thought or regard, multiplied at an exponential rate? Won't this gradual increase in the human population and gradual decrease in ALL other populations eventually cause the death of the human population? Basic ecology explains this. We live in a symbiotic world where all life depends on all life.
I feel I am a CF for many reasons. The fact that I love my children enough to not have them is probably the main one. I truly believe that, as the Great Law of Iroquois says, "In every deliberation, we must consider the impact on the seventh generation... even if it requires having skin as thick as the bark of a pine." Whether you choose to have children or you choose to be child free, you should always consider the impact your decision will have. Choosing to more than replace yourself (one child per parent) is by far the most selfish decision I can imagine. How strange that parents claim the decision to not have children is the selfish one? Most parents have a disconnected relationship with their children...disconnected in that the parent has one idea of who their child is and should be while the child is just who they are. This to me seems extremely selfish...the parent is too narcissistic to realize the child is not simply an extension of them, but rather their own person. I guess that all relates to the fallacy of traces, thinking we can live forever through the life we leave behind. Is that why parents insist their child is one way, defending their demands with the argument that they only want the best for them? I am having a difficult time seeing what is not selfish in having children. If you, as a parent or want to be parent, are as selfless and loving as you say...why not adopt? Is it because it "isn't the same" when it isn't yours? That would be viewing your children as property, and that is disgusting. Any child born to this world is a child of this world and we ALL share in the responsibility of raising said child. This natural law (whether we act in accordance with it or not), I imagine, plays a big role in all of us CFers choosing to remain so. We all have to deal with the selfish choices of parents. We all have to deal with ANY selfish choice made by ANYONE. Children born to this world will also have to deal with the selfish choices made by all. My life will end relatively soon (in the grand scheme of things, that is), so why do I continue to have respect for life (all life, not just human life) around me? Why should I worry about other people's kids having to live in an overpopulated world and having to be witness to the slow demise of all that sustains us? How can I not think about/worry about that? The question is, why aren't parents?
As a CF, I can honestly say I have the capacity for unconditional love and that is the reason I care enough to make the decision I have.
I was happy to find this blog and read from others who were confidant in their choice to not have children. It is sad that some people, much like the parents who posted on this blog, can not accept that there are other choices out there...not just the ones we make for ourselves. Life requires balance and if we all make the same choice (to have children = overpopulation and eventual nonexistance after much unnecessary suffering; to not have children = nonexistance), we will be subject to the consequences. That is something we all get to share.
Thank you for this post. I am 34 yrs old women who is CF. I decided over a decade ago that I did not want to have children and have not changed my mind. I am with my partner for 13 yrs and have been married now for 4 yrs, so the "when are we going to hear the little pitter patter of tiny feet" question is becoming more frequent. It's a personal choice and personally I don't see the attraction of having a child. The only thing that I find difficult is other peoples attitude towards the choice to stay CF. For example one of my colleagues, a 62 year old lady, who spends so much
time complaining about her son and how useless he is, told me that it is her mission to change my mind and stop me
from making the biggest mistake if my life! I don't want to
hurt her feelings but her attitude towards her son is not exactly the best promotion for motherhood! It's great to read all the opinions here, because I don't have anyone
around me that feels the same way about having children
as I do. Only one of my friends was of the same opinion,
but she changed her mind and had children and is now a totally different person. She once had a life that I admired and aspired to, I miss that girl. I was so excited when she
arranged to meet me for a little shopping trip recently, but it turned out to be 2 hours in the children's department. She was a girl who used to pity women who gave up their careers, 'let themselves go' and spent the whole time talking about their kids, now she has become one. That's not to say that that is what happens to everyone, but it happens. Staying CF is a road less travelled but a flexible road with lots of detours available on a minutes notice and that's the road for me :-)
For the record, the comment inadvertently attributed to Jamey Scott Breinberg was actually the words of his wife, Hooma Multani.
Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone. I loved your list and have my own personal reasons for choosing to be CF.
I'm 31 and married almost 5 years...so you could only imagine the amount of questions we get. It gets very old and annoying having to answer/explain to friends and family our reasonings.
Why is it always assumed that this would be the next step in our life and be made to feel by so many of those with children that we are missing out or by some means not complete?
I am a social worker by profession and focused on furthering my career, while my husband is completing his doctorate. We love being able to use our time volunteering in our church and community and being able to donate to good causes. I have worked in the foster care system, seeing many children in need of homes and love the idea of adopting a teenager when my husband and I are older and more established financially to do so.
Thank you for this space to share my thoughts in a non-judgemental environment.
THANK YOU! I love this post and I will always come back to it to remind myself why I don't want children. *inhales breath of fresh air* You're probably going to get a lot of smack for it but you're awesome ;D People who don't want children don't owe anyone an explanation as to why they don't want children. They just don't.
Thanks .. . Haha now I'll have a page to give people when they ask me why don't you want kids. . .. :D
This is awesome. . . :))) Thumbs upp!!! Jams to some heavy dubstep as I try to remember some of these. XD
You are awesome! Thank you! Fantastic work!
LOVE this and cited/linked it on our site.
http://texasbluelime.com/wp/2011/09/20/top-100-reasons-to-be-childfree/
Absolutely perfect! Thanks!
I don't know why so many people got so angry about this. I don't know a single person who could deny that this list is objectively true: you're not judging parents, you're simply stating the factual benefits of being childfree. Sure, some parents might have a few exceptions on this list, but for the most part this list is very true!
While there are some people who don't care about these consequences because their desire to have children and the joy they find in them means more to them, it doesn't change the fact that these are very real consequences to having children. And people like me who have no desire to have children are very happy that we are avoiding these things :)
Thank you for this list. As a person who chose to be CF before I found out I was infertile I'm grateful for having other things to tell people than "I can't have kids" because I always get a pitying line or look. They never seem to get that I chose this before that I found out chance was on my side.
Hey, I agree when a parent tells me I would probably love a child if I had one. I'm sure that's usually the case...but...what if it wasn't..?
Like "Mother of 35 yr old" pointed out - can't send 'em back!
I love this! I am slowly but surely finding people that feel the same way as my BF and I do. I do not want to have children and my VERY religious family is not very happy about/agreeable and I can't say anything that will convince them that I don't want to have children. I love my life and I don't want to add children to it. They think I am lying to myself. I want to experience life, I don't want to be at the mercy of a child. I have thought of being a surrogate to experience pregnancy and help a family in the process, but that idea has only fueled the "lying" to myself crap. Please let me follow your blog. I can already tell I love it.
Im not sure if anyone will end up reading this but I completely agree with this list. Does it make me a selfish person? I will never believe that. Will this make me live a horrible loveless life with out a purpose in life? Not really, I volunteer anually to different charritable events that even involves a marathon to benefit children's cancer. I make a difference in the world to help others, and I also believe Im benefitting the world simply by not having tons of kids. I actually think having a ton of kids "just because socitey says so" would be a selfish thing, so because I dont crave to be a mother I believe I really shouldnt do it. Unfortunitly my husband thinks I will one day snap out of CF views and have atleast 1 child with him. He knows how i feel on the subject and I would hate to have to choose. It's exactly like the book titled BABY PROOF, which I read and related with because everyone thought this 30 something year old was making a rediculous decision to not have children. Ya'll should read it. Anyways I agree with the list, I love my life and actually feel I'll be missing out on life if I had a child. And to add to the list of reasons, I want to add my own fear of child labor and all the complications you can have in terms of your body and health. My friend was stuck in the hospital for over a week because of such complications. Sure she lived, but on top of all my reasons this is diffinitly a big one, fear of the blood guts pain cutting and tearing of the skin.. lets just say I do NOT like hospitals or knives and even less the combination of the two together! lol Good luck to everyone :)
As a teacher, some of the things on your list do not apply to me - like saving money by planning vacations that do not correspond with school holidays - but everything else is exactly what I have been trying to explain to my mom, who has convinced herself that I secretly want children and will change my mind.
Being in a profession centered around children, I encounter very very VERY few people who feel the same way as I do and do not want kids. People assume that because i do not want children, that I hate kids and then they want to know why on Earth I became a teacher. This bothers me to no end. Kids are great - I just don't want one of my own. I'd rather have my freedom. Plus, I really dislike babies...after all, there's a reason I chose to teach middle school and not daycare.
I'm a mom. I think the other moms need to chill out, but I thank them for providing more advertisement for your blog.
Very thoughtful and amusing list. Kudos.
To Nanci
regarding your question:
Out of all the parents I have known, one has told me she does not regret her children, and that includes my own mother. I like children, and respect them as people (something I don't see from MANY parents who treat their children like pets or property), but I'm glad I have the choice to be childfree and am leaning that way for many reasons; the main one being that I refuse to procreate without a mate I deem "good enough" to sacrifice my youth, body and life for in the pursuit of a venture I understand to be risky, with the high probability of little payoff. That's just my logic.
I love your list! That is about everything I look forward to doing in a few years!
I come from a very strictly Catholic family. No sex till marriage, no birth control, and never say no to another one if it is at all possible to barely make ends meet. Due to this, I have six siblings, and I was the second oldest of my parents' seven kids.
I was eight when I first was held accountable for another human being (with my parents still in the house). The first few times, I thought it was kind of fun; my younger brother was like a real-life doll to take care of! However, I quickly got to enjoy all the other lovely parts of parenthood. Whenever my parents needed to do something and they "just didn't have time to take him," I had to watch him.
I most vividly remember a moment when I was nine. By this point, I was fed up with little children and I just wanted them to go away. This memorable afternoon I was keeping an eye on my brother, and he decided he needed to cry. No matter what I did, whether I held him, fed him, checked his diaper, or played with him, I could not calm him down. I felt so anxious and soul-crushed; I felt so hopeless. I looked outside and saw my older brother doing yard work, and I thought, "I would do anything to simply mow the yard." This inspired me to scream, "I HATE WATCHING KIDS! I HATE IT!" And I did hate it. I hated the situation I was in with every fiber of my being.
Needless to say, that event has stuck with me to my still young age of seventeen. Over the past eight years, I began to strongly condemn any religion that would force a person into that situation. I started to loathe that my parents would have so many children that they can barely support. And, most importantly, I decided that I never want to be burdened with children.
Ever.
I paid my dues to society. I helped contribute to the continuation of the human race. I played a large part in half-raising a brood of brats. I'm ready to psychologically heal and be selfish for once.
I could not agree more. And to HIGHLIGHT that this is true I will tell you the same from another point of view. I love a man that has 2 children from a prior marriage. We were alone (for 3 years) and I helped him fight for the custody of his children (12 and 14 years old males). I felt "I was doing the right thing" but this is what I lost.
I will keep the # from your list when I refer to that loss...
1. I am not as happy as I was.
2. You "lose" your marriage, now your partner/spouse is divided between you (that used to be his whole life) and (in my case) children that you half-know.
3. Forget it, no social life with 2 teenagers at home.
4. Savings? What is that? What you have is gone and there is no hope for future.
6 and 7. You have to fight for time to work, study, progress and fight with their opinion that anything you do is worth (according to them).
8-9. Well, I am dealing with that... I do not look into their rooms.
10. Completely ruined... you see how the kids make the one you love feel bad because he does not buy them all they want (and the list will never end). You... you have to fight for time, attention and 1/10 of what was yours a bit ago (before the invasion).
11. You better take care of the pets.. or they will die.
13. In my case I do not correct/yell or scold because they are not my kids. But well... you see the rest of the list.
14-17. You can fight for privacy and peace at home... in my case they are teenagers... just keep them in their rooms playing with electronics.
18. You are so stressed you forget about yourself... but that is your own fault... you must still love yourself first.
19. Well.... when you do not want to see what is happening in your own home... you may watch the news and actually prefer to spend time in a cafeteria talking with someone... it depends on how you see it.
20. I learnt to ignore some things just because it is not worth..... my attention span is intact, just redirected.
22. I can be myself... that has not been a problem. I think it may depend on your personality. I still feel I can be myself... thought a more isolated self.
24. Forget about travelling... unless you are rich (and I think only very wealthy people is able to afford kids). That is one of the things I enjoyed the most... gone.
25. In the past, my partner and I went to vacations feeling guilty because the kids where with their mother and they were not with us. Now they are with us... and there is no way we can go on vacations anywhere. If they go back to live with mom I will never feel guilty again!!!! They owe that to me!.
OK.
I will continue tomorrow.
Maybe 25 by 25.
I love the list.
Gloria
People use to give me the 'it just happens' line.That and eventually it would happen to me. Ah,no,I know how to use birth control meds.At 29,I begged to be sterilized. My Dr refused,giving me some socio-religious reason. Six months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was the best choice to get a VERY radical organ system removal. The day of surgery I was told I could change my mind. To me that said my life was secondary to childbearing. Thank gods I got the surgery despite them! Guess who I have lots of time for? Me and anything I want to do.
Thumbs waaayyyyyy up! :D
I LOVE this list! I actually have a question for those of you who are childfree...
My husband of 2 years wants children, and I never really did, but I thought that at some point it would "hit me." I'm 31, and it hasn't. I'm finishing up a PhD, I've started a consulting firm, I really like having "me time," and I don't really like playing with children. I taught for a few years and liked it, but it never made me want to have my own children.
Here are the reasons my husband has said I might regret if I don't have kids. He's not trying to pressure me, but we both understand that if I decide not to have kids it means divorce.
1. It's nice at holidays to be with family.
2. It would be hard to make friends who don't have kids. I'm 31 and just moved to NYC, so I figure there have to be SOME people without kids here who would want to be my friend :-)
3. Fear of being lonely or alone when you're older
4. Fear of being 50 years old and suddenly wish you had children. My thinking here is that I could adopt or take in a foster child.
I would really, really appreciate any thoughts you could give me. I'm really stuck and don't want to make a decision--either way--that I'll regret.
Thank you!
Caroline
Hi Caroline,
The "Top 100" post is an old one, so I am not sure how many readers will see your questions, but I can address them. First, if you read through the archives of this blog (if you haven't already) you will find I have written pretty extensively about all of the issues you have questions about. But in short...
1. Childfree folks have families. I spend all the major holidays with my parents, my brothers and my nieces and nephews. We also spend birthdays together, Mother's Day and Father's Day. Most childfree folks are actively involved in their families.
2. You won't have any trouble finding other childfree people to befriend in NYC, I guarantee you!!! Yes, for others it can be hard, but there are lots of ways to meet childfree by choice folks nowadays, thanks to the aid of the internet. Be sure to visit meetup.com and see if there is a childfree meetup group in your area. Or how about nokidding.net? Or start your own childfree social group. Sign up for the Childfree group on Facebook and you can chat every day with childfree folks from all over the place. There are TONS of us out there.
3. Having children is no guarantee that they will be involved in your life once you are old. Just look how many elderly folks are sitting lonely in nursing homes and their kids don't visit. Adult children have their own lives - jobs, children, etc. - to attend to. Not only that, but having children - which entails years and years of sacrifice, burden and expense - seems like a high price to pay for a few years of having the CHANCE that MAYBE you will have attentive kids when you are old. Not to mention it's a pretty selfish reason to have kids, if you ask me.
And let's not forget, childfree have an advantage when it comes to developing long-term, meaningful friendships that we can sustain through life because we're not tied down with kids! Many people with kids become isolated in their little family bubble where all their time and energy is devoted to the business of childrearing. Many drop their friends because they no longer have the time, energy or money to have a social life. Think about it.
4. I have written extensively about the myth of childfree regret, so do look through this blog for lots of articles on it. But here's a quick thing you can do. Do a google search for "I regret having kids" and "I hate being a mom" and then do a google search for "I regret being childfree", or "I regret not having kids" and see what results you get. You will be hard-pressed to find any childfree people who regret their decision, but you will find HOARDES of parents (esp. mothers) who regret having kids, hate their lives, wish they could go back in time and undo their choice to have children. Here's the thing: it is far worse to regret having kids than to regret NOT having them.
I personally have had about 10 mothers confide in me that they regret having kids and if they could do it all over again, would do it. Yet, I have never met a single childfree-by-choice person who regretted their decision. What's to regret? It is a fabulous life!!!
I am a girl with an autistic mind. I don't have the patience or tolerance for kids 24/7. Sure I buy toys and such, but they are for me. Never outgrew them. My pets are my children. (Toys too.)
Kids are too noisy, too expensive, and just too much to deal with for me. I don't even get paid well enough from my job. And I don't want to add to the already overcrowded human population. I just can't stand kids! A few hours maybe, but not for a long time. I have a niece I rarely see. And a baby nephew who seems to do nothing but squeal too loud or scream too loud. I have sensitive hearing. My parents want me to interact with him, but that ain't going to happen. Maybe when he's older. When he's talking and not destroying things.
A mum friend of mine who regrets having a kid told me that she wished she'd had a kid for the right reason or not at all. She thinks that many parents have kids for selfish reasons eg. so I wont be lonely, so a piece of me can carry on, because I WANT a baby...etc
I realised from this conversation that I did not have a good enough reason to have a child and have not found one since. To err on the side of caution, I plan to freeze my unfertilized eggs (oocyte vitrification), just in case I find the right reason for my CF existence to end.
>>Bleh. If I had kids, I assume I'd pretty much just give up television.
Heh. This is from one of the early comments. It cracks me up. This is not a good argument for being child-free. The vast majority of us could probably use a lot less TV viewing in our lives. Maybe have a kid to wean one away from the box?
My husband and I are now childfree for most practical purposes (stepkids are in grad school, yet we still give them some $upport).
We also don't have a TV, and haven't for 10 years. The amount of time that opens up for evening meetings, hobbies, reading and talking to each other is astonishing. Computers offer enough distraction, and offer the occasional movie, if you have a large display.
Anyway, thanks for this blog, I love it, but had to respond to the "plus, you'll have more time for uninterrupted TV shows!" rationale. Hee hee.
I want this printed on a scroll that I can unfurl in public whenever someone asks me why I don't want/have kids
Hi there. This post, which I have read several times, really is both truthful and these reasons are all on my list for no reproducing.
I'm 16, and all the time I hear "oh, you're too young to know what you want; you'll surely want children when you're older; children bring so much joy"... Blah blah blah. I have known since I was thirteen that I never wanted kids. Not that I 99% didn't want them, but never. Period.
This article humors me because you give excellent reasons for being a childfree individual, and many of them have a good dose of funniness added. Kudos to you for making this!
I am glad to see posts from people who know what they wan and aren't afraid to be open about remaining CF. (it really sucks when you think you're alone, but it's invigorating to know other people feel like you do about kids) Personally, I find all the parents who posted on here to be mediocre advertisers for parenthood; really, they should go vomit their pros of babies to people who care :3
I am an extremely intelligent young woman, and I know I can go far in life. You may think I'm a bit young to know I don't want children, but I know what I want in my future: a beautiful home that can have numerous FRAGILE and potentially TOXIC things (yes, babies can eat housplants), a sleek and attractive car, an attractive, attentive spouse (preferably a woman but I am bisexual), and a comfortable life. I do not want said kindercrap polluting my home and possible yard; I do not want a third-party being controlling my life, ruining my body and demanding constant care and attention. These girls my age look so forward to parenthood and have kids, and then their life becomes a living hell. If I don't want that hell now, what makes people think I'm going to want that hell later; what makes my neighbors and yuppy moms-to-be-down-the-road think that I will want to spend my hard-earned pay on a child that will take until they leave my home?
Granted some parents find the "joys of parenthood" worth the task and costs (not just monetary) of kids, but not this chica.
Thank you so much for this article! I share it with people who have the false hopes I'll have little Moniques running around one day.
MoniquesNibbletsOfWisdom
We need to be friends - I'm 20 years old and I feel the same way you do!
I feel the same as many of you. I am recently married and do not see any valid benefit to having kids. I have so many things I want to do with my life that kids would interfere with. My husband does want kids. Any advice on swaying him to the 'dark side'? I love him very much but if out points of view don't budge we may be facing a divorce. I thought I would be 'willing' to have a kid with him but I just don't have any desire for it and I think it's wrong to bring a child into the world if your heart isn't set on it.
Just found this blog, and found it comforting to read all the positive comments. I am a 23 year old female, and even when I was 6 I knew I didn't want any children. I always found myself saying I would only have 2 kids when ever I was asked after several of my friends (male and female) and their mothers would pull the shock horror lecture out and practically preach to me about having children. My own mother told me flatly when I was 16 that she was expecting grandchildren.
I have gone through life, not hating kids or their mums and dads, but I don't exactly like them either. I have never felt the urge to breed. When I see baby's in prams I do not go "awwwwww, how adorable!", and if I am around a crying infant I honestly feel ill, and try to move away.
It has never seamed selfish to me, but everyone always says, "You don't want any kids? how selfish of you!", I spent a good deal of my teen years coming to terms with the fact I wasn't 'normal' in this respect. I have two science degrees and still feel so pressured by modern society to have kids that I try to avoid friendship, I live alone, and have less than 5 friends, most of whom are spread over the globe. I go out often but never with friends, always with co-workers or alone.
I love my life, but I do wish people were a bit more supportive of those that do not want children!
Really interesting! I am a 27 year old stay at home mother of 3. I got pregnant with my oldest at age 18. At the time I didn't realize it was an option not to have children. Obviously I knew I was a little to young at 18 but didn't realize that not everyone didn't have children. I love my kids to pieces but I also struggle a great deal. Some of the reasons I struggle are because I haven't finished school, it's hard for me to get out of the house with 3 kids, my husband and I never get a date night, lack of sleep, finances and the list goes on and on. I'm thankful for my children I just wish I would have waited. I think rather than promote not having children the emphasis should be on waiting. We should teach our children the importance of waiting until they have reached their educational and career goals at least. I also feel romantic relationships can wait as well. Learn who you are and enjoy your life!
I just want to say how much I love this post. Not all of the reasons are applicable to all people in all situations, of course, but I just love the fact that it's out there.
I have to say that #s (14), (11), and (15) are my favorites. Especially (15). I've never understood why people aren't satisfied with not only having kids, but insist on building their entire identities around them.
I would add one more item to this list, one that touches me directly (and is somewhat related to #55):
(101) You won't ever have to worry about having a disabled child.
Pretty much everything on this list is turned up to eleven when you take this into consideration. I have two severely disabled brothers, and while I and my parents love them dearly, there's no question that their lives (and ours) would be easier if their disabilities weren't present. It contributed to my desire to be child-free, although it wasn't the main reason.
I absolutely love this blog! I will be 28 years old this year and still stand firm on my decision to stay CF!!! Me & my fiance are able to sleep in on our days off, make breakfast together, go to the beach, ride the jet ski at the lake, & we go on exotic vacations every year. In fact, we just got back from going on a hot air balloon ride and staying at a resort in Florida. I feel like I'm still 18. I have time to exercise and to make healthy choices for myself. I always look my best and I definitely look way better than other 28 year old moms. My stomach isn't engulfed in stretch marks and another very important area on me isn't stretched to the max. I couldn't imagine ever loving anyone more than my fiance and I never want to feel like I have to. I also feel like most people are just overpopulating the planet and expecting everyone else to deal with their kids. It irritates me that people who cannot afford kids are having them and then living on welfare & food stamps. There are many many reasons not to have kids. I just want to say that it's the best decision I've ever made and in fact, I believe it's the SECRET TO LIFE!!!
I realize that this may never be read considering how long ago the post was written but I'm a little confused.
I completely agree that the choice to or not to have children is absolutely personal and the choice itself should be completely respected.
Many of the reasons in this particular post however don't make sense to me. I want to say this in a totally respectful way and I don't intend to be demeaning or degrading in any term (knowing how hard it can be to express oneself clearly on the internet).
Many of the reasons stating (in some way or another) that children are dirty, stupid, a burden or an inconvenience causes me to hear that most Child-free adults assume that they were born as 35 year old, educated, well-off human beings. Even if we were the "perfect" child, at some point we needed our diapers changed, our noses wiped, our mouths fed, someone to teach us how to read, etc. Whether you had "good" or "bad" parents you needed parents to exist to even begin to have a conversation like this. How is it that someone - who was once a child themselves - can look at children in such a demeaning way? It's like a poor man who did not earn but inherited a kingdom looking at another poor man without pity and considering him foolish for not having a kingdom of his own. Seems rather contradictory.
To decide not to have children? Totally a decision to be made by the individual and a completely okay decision to make. But to view children as dirty, stupid, inconvenient or a burden sounds dangerously similar to the way Hitler viewed the Jews or how whites have viewed blacks. All humans have the right to be loved and viewed as valuable regardless of whether or not they have turned 18. It was Hitler's prideful view of being superior to another human being that lead him down his destructive path.
Am I accusing CF people of being the same as Hitler, absolutely not. Again, I'm not against people choosing to be child-free, that's completely okay.
Here's another (bad) analogy (because I don't view people as animals, however, here goes):I feel like labeling children as disgusting burdens is the same as telling someone who loves dogs that their pets are automatically dirty, hairy, messy, savage animals. I've seen great dog owners with perfect dogs, I've seen horrible dog owners who got lucky with their dogs, I've seen great dog owners who have dogs with horrible personalities, and I've seen horrible dog owners with horrible dogs.
My CHOICE is not to have a dog but my REASONS aren't that I assume all dogs are disgusting mammals because that's just simply not true.
Clearly this cannot be be the true thoughts of the original writer or many of the people who have commented on this post. If the post is meant to be humorous or satirical, I maybe can understand it but, if it is meant to be truthful, it seems dangerously close to being racist (if "race" could be used to replace "age" for lack of a better word).
Can someone correct my thoughts?
Brooke...First, it is never to late to comment on a post and I read and appreciate all comments, so thank you.
It seems that you are asking two questions, or making 2 statements.
The first is essentially that if everyone thought the way we (childfree) think, we would never be born, so we should be grateful for people who choose to have kids.
I addressed this sentiment on a previous post which you can read here.
http://childfreedom.blogspot.com/2010/02/parental-prounoucements.html
The second point you made is that listing the bad things about children is akin to racism.
If you read the list (and my blog) closely, you will see that what I reject is the parenthood lifestyle which involves caring for beings who are dirty, demanding, petulant, ungrateful, etc. My choice to be childfree isn't about the hatred of children, although I don't speak for all childfree folks in that regard. My choice (and this list) is about the intense distaste for the LIFESTYLE that comes along with having kids.
I also do not think the dislike of children is akin to racism, since a person's race is unchangeable, whereas a person's state of being a child is temporary and they eventually become an adult.
Childfreeeee,
Thank you so much for responding. I really appreciate your timing and your response. I did read the post you referred to and understand how the opposite of existence can't be played as an argument since it is an unknown situation. I'm not necessarily questioning that (whether CF-ers would rather not exist), I was just thinking about the fact that there are certain times in our life that we are dependent upon others for various reasons. We were dependent on our parents as children and we will most likely be dependent on others when we grow too old to care for ourselves. I believe that should produce in us thankfulness and gratitude. I'm not saying you aren't appreciative of your parents, I don't know you well enough. However, the "air" of most CF-ers comments didn't seem to express that.
For example, I don't prefer the middle school age. However, I was in middle school once and am thankful for those that loved me and cared for me even though I was socially and physically awkward until I grew out of that phase. Praise the Lord for middle school teachers, I don't know how they do it.
In relation to the idea of racism, yes, race is something that you cannot grow out of and children do, eventually grow into adults. However, in that moment, a child who's say 4 years old, cannot possibly act as a 24 year old would act and, therefore, that shouldn't be held against them. They have no control over their 4 year old abilities (or lack of abilities) in the same way (in that moment) that someone has no control over their race.
I have a few friends who have decided to be Child-free and I completely respect their decision. They are also completely respectful of my decision to have children (I'm not saying that you aren't) and treat my child with love, care and attention when they are around which I greatly appreciate. It lets me know that, while they haven't decided to live the lifestyle that I have, they don't regard my daughter as having any less value to society than I do simply because she is still a child. That means a lot to me - not because I expect it or deserve it, not because my daughter expects it or deserves it, and not because it's expected of them but it's because I know they are doing that out of their own free will.
Thank you explaining that it is the LIFESTYLE you're not choosing. I understand and completely respect that. And it helps me understand where you're coming from better.
I genuinely hope that my comments have not come across as judgmental, hypocritical, or rude. If they have, it was not at all my intention and I sincerely apologize. I appreciate the conversation.
I loved this list, and I'm admittedly still on the fence, but one thing that's getting me is how on EARTH do some of these posters compare pets to children. Seriously? We have five large breed rowdy dogs and our furniture and carpets are in much better shape than those of my friends with kids. Yes, kids do pee on your furniture at least for a while, and dogs don't spill red dyed juice on your stuff, or jump up and down on it, or put street gunk filled shoes on it. They get fed once or twice a day, taken on a 20 minute walk or so (which we'd do anyways for exercise) and spend the rest of the time sleeping on the rug or running around the backyard supervision free. They don't have to get taken on vacations, just higher a pet sitter (much cheaper than a babysitter, they don't go out to eat with you, etc etc etc. We love our dogs and spoil them to pieces but there is NO way to compare them to the financial and time consuming nature of having children.
who ever wrote this, i LOVE YOU. Im only 18 years old and male but based on the all stuff ive put my parents through, ive read, and ive seen at school you hit the nail in the coffin IMO
While I believe that raising children is a respectable accomplishment, and that it CAN contribute to a fulfilling and rewarding life, I want to counter the argument by some parents here who said that becoming a parent necessarily makes them a better person. I cannot not really attest to that from my own observations. I have seen too many mothers with a strong sense of jealous competitiveness and who tried to put other parents' kids down just for the elevation of their own. Kind of selfish too. Luckily that's not always the case but it happens. Generally I haven't gotten the impression that people who are parents are more openhearted than the ones who are not. In many cases it may even be the reverse, because of this sense of competition (and sometimes self-righteousness or complacency). For them it can often rather be US vs. THEM, (again, this fortunately doesn't necessarily apply). On the other hand, I've met so many mature single people or couples without children that are openhearted, kind, educated, interesting and fun to be around. Bottomline: I think a person's worth shouldn't be based on whether they are parents or not, and it shouldn't be judged negatively either way. It's an individual and free decision taking the given circumstances into account.
Love this! Thank you for speaking my mind ha ha! Going to share ;)
I thought of another reason...
Life is actually hard & full of suffering with only moments of happiness here and there - even for people with the best lives.
I think having children is a selfish act by the parent, who is essentially trying to improve their own life through having children.
Children don't ask to be born, and many philosopher's and some ethicists believe it is unethical to put the burden of the human condition on yet another person for your own gratification.
The idea goes that if you bring someone into existence that will experience good and bad. But if you don't, they wont experience bad, and wont miss the good because they don't exist to know what they are missing.
Why not make the best of what you have with your own life, and help to make the lives of people that already exist better, instead of creating more people and more suffering!
Has anyone said the best reason not to have kids? That I will do something mind-blowingly, gob-smackingly world-changing. I will finish my book, get published and start on my next book, and so on and so forth. If I were to have kids, I would have to greatly sacrifice both the quality and quantity of my life's work.
Here's to doing amazing things that change lives. Lots of lives, not just kids'.
What's YOUR amazing life's work?
When i was about to get married to my husband,i had decided in my heart that i would not bear children,
I wanted to have time for myself and did not want to get into all these drudgeries of life,
As life would have it, i was pregnant after 1 year of marriage and i had my daughter. Pregnancy was a very beautiful period as i was exeriencing every thing for the first time,
But i had to struggle so much after she was born,
Can i say that motherhood is a huge sacrifice,
You really forget urself and have to take care of the baby,
You cant get away from it,
Now my daughter is 3 years old,i love her and i have grown as a person in raising her,
But if i had a chance to go back, then i would have given motherhood a skip.
I dont enjoy all these kids gatnerings,cooking etc. Its not just my type of thing, but now that i m already int it, i have no other choice but to have a different attitude to it,
But in my heart i long to be free,but i cant say these things to my child or husband or anyone,as we know how judgemental people can be.
I trust God to help me with what i have now as i cant reverse anything,but i hope i will enjoy motherhood more as the days go by.
Richa, that is so sad, may God watch over & protect you and may you find a way to balance motherhood with a sense of freedom xxx
Richa, this just breaks my heart. At least you have the strength to say what so many people feel inside. You are correct though, now that you have a child, that is your 100% number one responsibility. So many parents have children, then have these feelings and neglect their children, shifting the burden to society at large. That is one reason why I chose not to have children, there are already many children who are created that do not have engaged parents and I enjoy being a youth mentor. Stay strong and realize that you only have 15 years until your child is an adult.
This post is immortal and years later speaks volumes of truth. I am a counselor and I point out to all my clients the opposing facts of the momentum of having a child. I look forward to the rest of my life without kids (I am 46 and my wife 37).
Thank you for this awesome post. Please keep it up!
You are calling the childfree selfish???
I challenge you to find ONE reason for breeding children that is not selfish.
Let me first state that I am 25, my wife is 24 and we are both happily CF. I don't have anything against anyone who has kids FOR THE RIGHT REASONS in fact I am very happy for you! I do believe however that too many trash families are pumping out tons of kids due to constant unprotected breeding and I find that selfish and offensive. Most of the angry (If you are not one of the angry ones then this doesn't apply to you) moms / dads on here just feel stupid for their mistakes in life so in order to cope they have to attack CF people as a defense mechanism, all the while using "look at me I crapped out a kid, give me a medal!" as a reason for their "pride." I agree 100% with this article and it's comedic nature. To take it as offensive in nature would be a mistake, but I guess you have made a few in life already so what's one more right?
Hi, thanks for the list, it's so uplifting! I'm 36 years old CF and so far I see more cons than pros in having children. Don't get me wrong - I do like kids, I just don't miss having one or more around 24/7! I was once told that I should "fulfill a woman's mission" and have a child! Comments like that make me so upset!Just because we, as women, are equipped to bear children doesn't mean that we have to! It's everybody's personal choice and nobody should ever question that! I strongly disagree that not having kids equals being selfish. I volunteer at a local charity, helping senior citizens, I sponsor a young girl in Africa, I selflessly help my friends and family and I enjoy my life the way I want. There is so much more to a life than raising children.
Cheers to everybody who decides to go through their lives childfree! It's not always easy...
I am 23 and since I was 12 I have told people I do not want to have kids. I find it irritating when I have the "kids" conversation and I state I do not want kids their response is always "You will change your mind when your older" or when I say kids annoy me they respond with "it changes when you have your own". I feel like they assume every woman has to have kids and that is just not true. The way I see it is I would rather not have kids and regret it than have kids and regret them.
I'm 23 and I would rather not have children and regret it than have children and regret them.
I'd like to add: YOU NEVER HAVE TO BE THAT PARENT WITH THE SCREAMING CHILD ON THE AIRPLANE(or any public place)!
Thank you for this wonderful list!
I READ ALL 100 REASONS AND AGREE WITH EACH AND EVERYONE. THIS LIST IS GOLD AND SHOULD BE USED IN THOSE SEX ED OR PSYCHOLOGY COURSES YOU TAKE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
At least we have a choice still, but as the future unfolds, even this choice might be gone, due to our behaviour towards the planet and life in general. Many people should not have children. Especialy those who doesnt give a damn about anything or anybody else, only worship higher authority, celebrities, money or drug addicts, mentally disturb people, alcoholics, egomaniacs etc. the list can go on and on. what we need is OBJECTIVE psychological testing of both potential parents and then recomend them or not to have children, and it will be up to them to decide fully knowledgeable of the possible outcome of their action. Leave the nature to itself and stop arguing about human needs. Our planet should be our priority. We can have far more developed society in the terms of intelligence than this madness, where everybody thinks he has the right to bear as many children as he pleases without the effects to nature and other people. Being child free is to be more responsible for others living on this, still blue planet. What we badly need is balance and maintain the balance and stop behaving like a cancer or a virus......Ian
This blog post was just what i needed today. FBd it. It has brought me back to my zone of zen and peace. Thanks!
Thank you for this! LOVE IT!
I think Govt should offer some benefits like Tax exemption for couples who opt NOT to have kids! Such couples are actually helping the Govt & the society!
I've been married for 8 years. I'm 35, wife is 28. I've said for a long time that I don't want kids. Last year we broke up for a month as she did some "soul searching." She decided that having a baby was a bad idea and came back. Now it's coming up again. I almost caved because of how much I love her but this blog reminded me of all the reasons I don't want that for my life (and taught me some new ones). I'll just add that my wife has bipolar which adds a whole new dimension to the issue. Here's a few of the big ones:
Genes If a parent has bipolar disorder, his or her children have a 10% chance (1 in 10) of developing bipolar disorder. Bipolar strikes babies too. From the time her son was born, Jennifer DeWeese said, she suspected something was wrong. As an infant he cried inconsolably and slept mostly in hour-long snatches. At 3, he was always irritable and had prolonged tantrums triggered by the slightest change in his routine. Without kids, you will never have to endure the strain and upset of raising a diseased or disabled child or watching your teenager become suicidal or homicidal.
Staying on Medications Treatment of women with severe illness presents the greatest challenge. Even on medications, a majority of women experienced at least one mood episode during pregnancy (70.8%) These women are likely to continue taking medication through conception. When pregnancy is recognized, the mood stabilizer will have to be discontinued abruptly, and the abrupt discontinuation enhances the risk for illness relapse.
Postpartum Depression The postpartum period is a time for greatly increased risk of relapse, or even onset of more severe bipolar episodes. We know that when new moms get depressed, their babies suffer and are much more likely to develop mental illness as they age. Without kids, you will never go through pregnancy-induced morning sickness or post-partum depression.
Postpartum Psychosis A complication-free pregnancy with or without medication doesn't mean a woman is in the clear. For any bipolar mother, the trickiest time is not the pregnancy itself but the postpartum period. Women with bipolar disorder are at much higher risk, however; postpartum psychosis -- which is believed to be a form of bipolar disorder -- occurs in as many as 25 percent to 50 percent of deliveries. It's extremely important for a woman with bipolar disorder to have a plan in place with her family and her doctors in the event that she does become psychotic, says Spinelli. Due to the high risk of psychosis, bipolar women should "really start medicines at least before they deliver," she adds.
Sleep Deprivation Breast-feeding presents another challenge. Even though some medications are safe while nursing, feeding a baby requires waking up often throughout the night. And in people with bipolar disorder, sleep deprivation can trigger a manic episode. Rachael Bender, 31, of Naples, Florida, realized that losing sleep would be a huge challenge in trying to breast-feed. To save Bender from getting the baby up and back to sleep, her husband slept in the guest room, next to the bassinet, and brought the baby in to Bender when the baby was hungry. "The hardest thing about the whole pregnancy," Bender says, "was the sleep after she was born." Caring for a child takes a lot of physical and emotional energy, made all the harder by babies that only sleep for ninety minutes at a time. Many parents of much older children seem to forget how hard the first few months were as they look at the past with rose colored glasses. Don’t believe them. Parents need sleep, and they often can't get it. Without kids, you will generally get a full night’s sleep every night.
A good list.
Childfree people are enhancing the world. It has been demonstrated that we care more on average about culture, environment, art and harmonious living. We care more about the world at large because we are the ones living and spending the most time in it.
Now I don't care about what breeders do, I found it always easy to avoid them and their dwelling areas. But the crucial point for us in the next future is to gain back control over all of our tax money that is used for the benefit of the breeders! Think about it: Education and schooling are one of the biggest areas of spending for governments. Plus, in many countries, there are direct financial incentive for breeders, that increases with the number of kids.
In order words, we childfree are paying for their children! Add to this a whole bunch of kid-related government spending in other areas and we could certainly cut our taxes in half, were it not for the imposed need of financing the breeders' kids.
In Germany there is a religious tax by default, but if you choose to officially opt out of the church, then you don't have to pay that tax anymore. In France there is a tax on TV broadcasting, but if you declare that you do not own a TV set, then you are exempt of this tax.
I want to be able to declare myself as childfree for life and be exempt of the taxes that will fund the schooling budget and other kid-related expenses of the nation. Or at least, choose to redirect that amount of taxes on useful causes, such as health, environment, social progress, etc. I have the right to unsubscribe from that system and I will fight for it.
Reading your list made me think about how big the pressure must be on cf people to fit the social norm and to produce a child. When I think about it, I'm probably guilty of this, because I have had little empathy so far with my cf friends:( Promise to become a better person.
I still think, this list is something for people, who already feel, that they don't want to become parents. I say, listen to your heart and don't let anyone pressure you into it! It's perfectly OK and good not to have kids.
On the other hand, once people get the urge to have a baby, they probably wouldn't care about any of these good reasons to reconsider. It is just so powerful and overwhelming. It is not a decision based on cost-benefit analisys. Should it be? If you want a child, cf life just does not make you happy.
It surprises me, that you have met many mothers, who actually regret having a child. That's sad. I suspect the circus, that the modern society has built around childrearing, that is to blame. For me, the loving relationship with my kids is worth everything it takes to raise them. But it seems to take much less to raise them here, in Eastern Europe, than in the US.
I actually love your list. Very truthful. But, I have one child- she's going to be 4 in december. And although I love her dearly (wouldn't give her up or change anything)... she helped me become anti-second child.
I agree 100%. I am 28, married, and happily child free. I dont like working hard for money, and by not having any kids I never have to work hard. Having a child would lower the quality of my life because I would have to work hard and spend all my money on it.
I know why a lot of parents find this wonderful list to be offensive. because every word is TRUE and they cant back out of their child-rearing commitment now. yet,they express sympathy and pity for us childfree,when the fact of the matter is,they do this because they feel pity for THEMSELVES.
Man, I miss my life.
My only advise is: don't have kids unless you are absolutely sure that it's what you want.
The level of commitment they require (and deserve) is huge, to put it mildly.
Wow! Genius! Thoroughly enjoyed it! As an attractive woman who remains childfree by choice I 100% relate to this blog. Well done!
Maria xxx
Great post, I also enjoyed reading all the comments. I'm a 40 year old woman and I am CF. I never wanted children of my own because not only does the lifestyle not appeal to me, I also have always been worried about overpopulation and the diminishing resources of the planet. Feeling like this, having a child of my own would be selfish.
I feel that nowadays if you want to be a parent, why not adopt since the child is already born and needs a parent, instead of creating another life our of selfish reasons. It's so primitive to per se want children that have your own DNA.
Thank you for this blog, I really like it. I'm going to read more into it, since I hardly know of any other people who are CF and proud to be!
You can add that you'll never have to witness nuchal cord fetal distress, you/your spouse on induction meds, getting epidural needle which can paralyze if done wrong, rushed out of birthing room strapped to operating table vomiting from morphine IV, major surgery recovery, loss of abdominal muscles, etc etc.
If everyone followed your philosophy, the whole world would be dead - fact
most people don't regret having kids and would say the opposite for *reason 1* - fact.
are you are in the illuminati? - question
I think it's slightly ironic that you are criticizing the childfree lifestyle, calling us selfish even, yet your name is SURVIVING triplets. Not "EMBRACING" tripets, or "LOVING" triplets, you used a word that means "to continue to live through hardship or adversity." Seems a bit odd, don't you think?
The first thing that came into my mind about your post was "misery loves company". I've always been leaning towards not having kids, but one thing that got me really curious into searching more about the childfree lifestyle, was when one friend with two young kids (and one on the way), after having a particularly rough day with his youngest one (who, by every means of the word, is a brat. I've been with her many days, she cries and screams about anything and everything, even stuff she wants...if it is offered to her in a "weird" way, she screams at her mother), told us, "You should have kids soon!" and I swear there was a tone in his voice that sounded jealous of us as we prepared to settle in for a movie with a bottle of wine and he was prepared to go home, his screaming, wreathing child in his arms.
And something that may come as a shock to you is that I actually love kids. I've worked in daycares, volunteered in my church's nursery, and enjoy baby-sitting my friend's kids. But I love that feeling of coming home to snuggle up to my husband, and deciding to either go out for a fun evening or choosing to stay huddled up in our blanket and watch a movie. One of my biggest reasons for not wanting a kid is that I, too, feel our world is too overpopulated and I've never had a big desire to have kids of my own. The biggest reason I can find to have kids is so our loving parents could be grandparents--something that every single one of them would be amazing at. But I'm not going to have kids for someone else, I will do it for my husband and I only and I don't appreciate being called selfish.
I want to be a pediatric nurse, and take amazing care of my patients, but how can I do that if I'm called out to come home to tend to my own kids, or what if I'm too tired after a long day/night with a baby who won't sleep, and my patients at work suffer? I'd rather devote my time and energy to taking care of others kids instead of coming home to my own at night. And THEN I would have to deal with accusations of being a "bad mom" because I put my kids in daycare/hire a nanny so I could go to work.
Feels comforting, peaceful, lovely! It is the life I want. :-)
Heather, I felt as you do since I was even younger and I too, have had countless women tell me I would change my mind when I was older. Specifically, my late 30s. Well, I am 51 now and guess what? I never wavered and am happy and content and blissfully child free. I hope you stick to your guns.
I am glad I saw this list. I am 27 years old and married and my husband and I have been discussing whether we want children or not. At this stage we feel there are still things in our life we wish to achieve before taking that step. I have always been of the opinion though that I could go either way. I don't particularly want them at all and don't think I would make a good mother, however I am open to the possibility of having them if we feel it becomes the right choice for us in the near future.
I posted this on my facebook wall and one of the responses I got was someone posting a list of 100 reasons to have kids from some blogger who has 10 kids and the reasons were completely bogus. Here are some of the reasons:
5. Enjoy snuggles on demand, around the clock.-Uh you can do that with a spouse or a pet.
12.Children will love you on your worst day, and…
they think you’re beautiful, even on bad hair days,
or when you’re not wearing makeup.-Once again most spouses will do the same.
36.Have sex without worrying about pregnancy. It’s fun.-They are called birth control pills or condoms.
55.Kids will make you proud and keep you humble.-Funny how parents can only be nice and "humble" if they have kids. She lists a lot of typical entitlement reasons like cutting in line at the grocery store and stuff. Here is the link for anyone who wants a laugh : http://inashoe.com/2010/07/reasons-children/
I am nearly 36, married and a teacher. I do get asked when will I start with a family and to be honest, I recite your blog with 100 reasons why not to. This is the quickest way to get people to stop pestering you and to stand still and take account of their own lives. I have only scanned some of the responses but one really got me a bit angry and that is the fact that childless couples are selfish. As a teacher who needs to deal with not only the educational side of things but also the emotional well being of both children as well as parents who are either separated or going through a divorce, I could easily say that selfishness works both ways. Many had children for all the wrong reasons and the result: more confused kids that need to go through life, hopefully learn from their parents' mistakes and enters the adulthood 'fingers crossed' as matured, balanced human beings. Yes, there are examples where children have risen beyond these circumstances, but also a great deal of children have not.
In short this list from #1 to #100 is absolutely true and refreshing. Thank you for publishing this! It just reinforced the reason why I would be selfish not to have children than to be selfish and have children for all the wrong reasons.
Love your blog and agree with all these as I sit in my quiet, clean living room after a long day at work.
Wow! I just found your blog and I am SO GLAD I did. I am 24, engaged to be married in November. I knew from a young age that I really did not want to have kids. I've always been told that one day I will want to. So far, I've never had the urge and I don't think I ever will. I don't even like being around them that much. I do however, love my 2 year old niece but again, there's only so much I can handle with her. I am honest enough to say I am way too selfish for that commitment. Most of the people I went to high school with are on kid # 2 already!!! Most have never been to school (I haven't either but I have a VERY good job in the city), most are living off welfare, are not with the baby daddy, etc. I want so much more than that! I am even questioning this wedding but we won't go there. I feel I'm way too independent and want to do so much that kids will get in the way. I want to concentrate on my horses and myself. I'm always seeing my facebook friends posting stuff about how kids are the best thing ever, they wouldn't know what they'd do without them blah blah blah. Not to sound bitter but guess who's tax money is going to support your kids while you don't work? That's right, MINE! People seem shocked when I tell them I don't want kids. Like it's just something I'm suppose to do. I feel I'm about ready to snap on the next person who asks me when we'll be having kids. Well a few years from now when all of them are burnt out, driving to and from soccer practices and parent teacher conferences, I will be perfecting my photography and opening my own business, showing my horses, and traveling! Whew...sorry to ramble but that felt good writing that!
35 CF female. My boyfriend is 44 with an 11 year old boy and 13 year old girl. Mother is a drug addict. He told me once that I have the life he should have kept. I have no regrets . I think children raised well can be very enjoyable. But it's not a commitment I want to make.
Awesome post! I'm definitely sticking to my guns with this list in my pocket :)
I'm a guy, I'm 27 and I too am child free and I love it. I also wanted to add another reason to this list "You can eat a peaceful meal in a restaurant without having to keep a constant eye on your kids". I recently went out to eat with my family on father's day and my sister brought my niece who is a little more than a year old. The whole time we were there my niece kept constantly putting things in her mouth, getting passed around the table to get held by everyone, always climbing up on the table and being told to sit down repeatedly, whining and crying every time we took something away from her, picking things up off the table and throwing them on the floor (she once busted a plate in public). Not to mention you hear other people's kids crying or whining about something and all you want to do is eat your meal and have a normal conversation with your family. I told my parents that I couldn't tolerate it and all they said to me was "Well you should learn to tolerate it" or "She's just a baby". I understand that but no one should have to go through that when they are trying to eat. Also, my friend recently just had a birthday party for his two year old son and him and his wife looked miserable throughout the whole thing. They were running around like chickens with their heads cut off and on top of that their son was constantly getting into things every couple of minutes and ran off a few times so people had to chase him. By the end of the party they both looked exhausted and it just makes me wonder why would people want kids. Life is a lot more enjoyable if you don't have kids.
PS: Does anybody know if there are any childfree dating sites? They seem to be hard to find
You took the words right out of my mouth!! Love it!!
I read this, and I agree.
@Stacey-- I'm in the same boat and experience the exact same feelings. I'm almost 23 and so many kids I went to high school with are on their 2nd kids with no futures-- messing up their lives AND their childrens'. I'm dumbfounded by the irresponsibility and seeming determination to live in poverty. Don't think you're too "selfish" for such a commitment-- you're responsible AND doing the environment a favor. It's definitely a constant push from "pro-children" people to act like it's "selfish" and it does become subconscious.
Thank you SO much for this blog post-- if only I found this blog earlier!! I had always felt ostracized by peers and others condemning my "strange" desire to forgo children. Especially as a woman, my 'purpose' is to have children! /sarcasm.
I have always been adamantly against having children and for all the reasons you mentioned, especially regarding the overpopulation issue. Only recently when I started dating my boyfriend a few years ago did my ideas start to change and soften. He loves kids, but having them personally he'd be on the fence about.
Over time getting closer to him/ falling in love-- I became more open to the idea and then realized 2 things I'd never previously consider. While superficial, I realized how cute our child would be (we're interracial and the combo would be amazing in my opinion ;))-- it would be the epitome of a "love child"; a culmination of our love, in my eyes. Second of all and more importantly- seeing peers and other types of people who are having children have no business doing so. Frankly, way too many children are being born by vacuous, irresponsible people who cannot properly provide for them or provide the support needed for these children to become successful in life. Therefore, for lack of better wording, I've come to feel it's my and my boyfriend's duty to have a child who will help offset the children born to people who should have not procreated. I'm not trying to sound pompous or anything of the sort-- just an observation and realization I had.
Regardless, we decided at most to only have 1 kid and honestly, I'm still on the fence about it. Especially after reading this post-- I'm leaning back to my old ways! lol Luckily, we're both academics going for our doctorates and yet to marry, so we still have several years down the line to decide. :)
Above all-- I'm just so glad there's others who are CF and can give support to others. It's amazing what "taboo" and "problem" it is to not want children let alone just "consider" not having one, even today.
To: Surviving Triplets
I had to write after reading the word "selfishness" in your post (in regard to people not wanting children or wanting to live a different life). Funny thing is the opposite comes to mind for me because it is out of "selflessness" that I do not want to contribute to the human population. As harsh as it may sound I know of things that are much more harsh in this world.
Does it matter to you that most animals raised for meat in the U.S. suffer from birth to death in confined factories where they live in their own manure and eat an unnatural diet forced upon them. That their young are taken away from them and there is nothing they can do to get them back even though they cry in anguish just as you would if your child was taken from you. That many species have already gone extinct and thousands are endangered because humans inhabit almost every corner of the earth and they have nowhere to live. How much suffering we have caused these animals who also are only trying to live as humans are and raise their young and have food to eat so they can survive.
Yes, I speak for myself but my allegiance in this world is to those animals who cannot speak for themselves. If I save one animal my sacrifice to not have children will be worth it. Our natural resources are running out quickly (in geological time it will be the blink of an eye before the earth becomes stripped to the point of no return). Had I found myself in a world where this wasn't the case I would not feel the guilt of adding to the population. Therefore I am sacrificing having children so that you may have them. Just remember that and be grateful because by me not having any means there are more resources for your children.
Lastly, humans have lost so much connection to the natural world. My peace is in the mountains among the forests and the birds. A peace that I can forever enjoy and is mine. There is nothing like the feeling of being completely free. And I know my choice is for the best even though I will miss out on motherhood. At least I know that I am helping to save the wild ones. The ones who actually need the help. Thanks for reading.
And as my professor Thor Holmes would say,
PEACE
Absolutely loved the list. Thank you!! :)
Great article! As a wife and mother of 2 boys, I used to feel sorry for couples that were CF. Now I feel sorry for me lol...joking.....live life however you want;)♥
We live in terrible selfish greedy and violent times and being so, not having children proves to be a wise and unselfish choice. However, from an evolutionary perspective, it is unfortunate that the kinds of humans that the human race could count on for its survival are the very ones who are not breeding ... while the kinds of humans who will drive human race to extinction are. It is for this reason that I seriously consider having my genome sequenced and genetic material preserved for a time in the distant future when the human race matures enough to recognize its folly. I do not rejoice that I was born into an unfortunate period of human history in which I could bullied into not breeding by the fascist mindset. But it appears the will to overbreed, rape the planet's resources, take down every species of flora and fauna it is greedy path is going to run its course. The pacifist intellectual members of our species are being denied the choice to be what they are. But with emerging genetic technologies, perhaps we do not have to breed in these times to pass our genetic information on to the future. In that case we will spare our offspring these wicked times and the pain of suffering what is going to be consequent when the human race breeds and consumes unsustainably. I do not believe that any benevolent and loving God would allow that but man made religions in his name most certainly have and will continue to do so. Times exist in human history when humans have made progress. I wish this could have been so in my life time but it is not. The religions of greed and war are the dictators of this milleu.
I have nine kids and I'm Pregnant again and NO. I'm not religious and live in a very big house and have lots of money.
But why, o why. I told myself they were my hapiness. Now I have teenagers and I really hate it !! I was soooo stupid and I hope I'll never be a granny.
As a person in their mid 20s who is currently confused about whether they want kids, I'm not sure how much of this list is completely true.
Some people say that having kids gives them more to do with their life as they never had any real interests before kids anyway. They never had an interest in dining our, travelling,etc. Now that they have kids, they have more fun going to Disneyland and Brownies than they did before.
And then some say that having children is like falling in love every single day. You look at your kids and are just in awe.
Then there is the whole "there is no other relationship like a child- parent relationship. It's too unique"
I'm so confused...
I used to feel that I never wanted children. I'm glad I changed my mind. I have a wonderful and fulfilled life that is balanced with a great career and loving husband. My 2 kids are wonderful. My daughter recently became part of the Brooking Institute think tank and was also hired by Caesar's Palace for data analysis. My son is finihing his degree in mechanical engineering.
We have many great friends, go to many parties and go on great vacations.
My kids have made my life that much fuller. Now, I can even go to Caesar's Palace and stay for free!
I can't imagine how empty my life would have been if all I had was my job and husband...and dogs.
Hi Cheryl
That's awesome you are so happy being a mom. I do meet parents from time to time who seem genuinely happy in their role and I am happy for them. I am sorry to hear, though, that your marriage and home life were not fulfilling to you before you had children. One of the main reasons my hubby and I chose not to have kids is because we are so happy and fulfilled together, just the two of us, that we don't want to bring a third party into the mix to disrupt our happiness.
I do wonder, though, why a happy mom is interested in a blog for childfree people, and specifically a post about the top reasons not to have kids. What brought you to my blog?
Its great that I found this post!I 've always felt like this & luckily I know many people who share the same views.I am only 24 so I don't have same-age friends having kids. I 've just graduated from college & trying to learn myself.Why should I have this burden right now.Both my parents agree with this perspective..
I love the idea of a child free life because having kids makes you lose your freedom temporarily.I am sure it has positive thing to offer but its not for everyone. If this is what you want to do in life then do it!
...Life without kids is not sad or unfulfilled, its just a different way of living your life..not need to apologize to anyone!Its your life remember?x
Oh Michelle.. How awesome it is to know someone like you? You literally echoed my thoughts.
People castigate me for wanting to be to child free.
almost thinking that I am a quirk of nature.
have seen so many undergo untold trouble because of their children.
In fact its a very rare parent who has unbounded joy till the very end.
The best part is parents who are suffering still want me to have and say... U have children .. Everything will become all right.. Lolzz. Such madcaps we have on this earth. Very reassuring to know many people who have the point of view exist.
Jennifer, I think you're protesting too much. I believe she said people who choose to be CF should stand proud by their decision. That doesn't sound like a jealous or miserable person to me. I am 36 and childless ( not by choice). But I'm not passionate about having or not having children. But I'll say this. I believe some people when they say there is a special joy they receive from their kids. And although I am not a parent, I think I understand. I have a little dog, that is still at times a bit of work, an inconvenience, and costly. Yet, I love him dearly, and seeing his little face makes me forget all the work, inconveniences and costs associated with having him. I imagine being a parent is like that times 10. And that's why the previous poster's name is surviving triplets. Someone once said, being a parent is hard. If it isn't you aren't doing it correctly. I think being a parent is a choice. Just like choosing to get married or remain single is a choice. It doesn't need defending, because there is no wrong or right choice. Creating a lists of reasons not to have kids seems ridiculous to me. It's a choice that doesn't need defending. Marriage isn't for everyone and neither are kids. Making a list of 100 benefits, which may or may not hold true ( for eg. your spouse can leave you, thus negating many of the reasons on this list) adds a certain superficial element to the decision to have or not have kids.
Hey I don't want kids too.. Want to consider ?? ;-)
It is slightly humorous how offended everyone is getting. Of course these parents are offended by your post when your make such disparaging comments like, "You will never have to fight with a child over homework or worse yet, have to sit and do homework with a child." As if it is some horrible thing to help someone out. And of course the people that have chosen to become child free are offended, parents, when you treat them like the MUST have children or else they are some how less of a human, or selfish. Now, in my own opinion, this post seems a little extreme because it proposes that almost all problems (sleep deprivation, depression, bad marriages) are caused by children. And I know that you are logical human beings, and you don't honestly believe they are always caused by children. But, really, when you say things like, "You will never have to endure the strain and upset of raising a diseased or disabled child." do you really expect someone who has gone through that to not be offended by your discourteous manner? I don't believe this to be true, but the way you state things makes it seem like you don't value giving your life to love someone else? That's not a recipe for a happy marriage/life. But, nevertheless, I am fine with you not having kids. Not everyone should have kids. I am fine with you enjoying the free, less chaotic lifestyle of being child free. But, it does no good to act like your post could in no way be offensive to someone who has children when you make blaten statements that appear as though children are monsters and it is horrible to be around them.
I know this post is years old - But I can't thank you enough for posting this! It is puzzling to me what parents are doing spending the time and effort to read this blog and comment. I definitely don't waste my time reading or commenting on the many parenting websites out there. Reading this list, I felt a breath of fresh air that "Someone else feels the same way I do and isn't afraid to say it." I really want to print this list out and give it to people who ask me why I do not want children. I could go on and on about my reasons :)
I know this post is years old - But I can't thank you enough for posting this! It is puzzling to me what parents are doing spending the time and effort to read this blog and comment. I definitely don't waste my time reading or commenting on the many parenting websites out there. Reading this list, I felt a breath of fresh air that "Someone else feels the same way I do and isn't afraid to say it." I really want to print this list out and give it to people who ask me why I do not want children. I could go on and on about my reasons :)
I WILL BE A GAMER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH A DOG HAHAHAHAHAAH
Totally true!!!! I just searched for the benefits of having no children last night since we had a little discussion with my sister who have another baby now but is sick so she had to attend the needs of her baby. Then I said to her that is why I don't want a child. Imagine even if you want to sleep, you just can't coz' you still have unfinished responsibility to do. She doesn't believe me and as I surfed the net, I found this and realized, I am not alone! There are also people out there just like me who are open minded and have clearly observed what is the reality nowadays..Thanks a lot! Good job!
I completely agree with your comment and this blog. I am a female and my #1 reason for not having children is that they will suffer in this world. There is no question, they will suffer.
love this. i'm child free and i love my life. i travel when and where i want, all my income is mine and i can chose to take on extra clients, get another degree, do whatever i want when i want. when i get home from a long day at work, i put on whatever music i like, run a hot bath and have a glass of wine, all without the ridiculous chaos of minding children. and i have time to form solid, amazing friendships with friends both with and without children. if people really cared so much about children, they'd adopt instead of selfishly spitting out their own and over populating the world.
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