Saturday, July 9, 2011

A Man's View - Beau

I've been nothing but smiles this past hour. My doctor had called with my lab results.

See, I was 23 and single when I decided to get a vasectomy. This can be controversial for most. In the U.S., 18 is considered the age of adulthood, yet society in general has decided that you don't know what you are doing when you are in your early 20s. I blame it on the coddling of children that many "protective" parents in recent generations have accepted as proper parenting. The idea of making Little Johnny's life easy by putting him in a sterile bubble until he's finished with high school has produced a lot of man-babies who can't make their own decisions once given actual autonomy in adulthood. Dealing with consequences when you never had to growing up... how scary. A generation that knows no consequence... scarier. And since TV has been a prevalent source of "information", my decision-making abilities are compared to those of Spring Break drunken hooligans, the cast of Jersey Shore, or spoiled melodramatic brats with "problems"(Thanks MTV!). But I digress.

I received more criticism for being single. Who would want to date a guy who actively chooses not to have children? What happens when you find "the one" and she decides that she wants to have offspring? Every woman wants a child eventually.

You're right world. I should have conned a woman into thinking that she shouldn't have children with me first before I get such a permanent procedure done. Once I have her initially convinced/trapped, I just have to wait out those constant feelings of wanting to reproduce that she obviously will have until she hits menopause and all that hope is gone. Then we can live unhappily ever after, spiteful at each other and lonely with no one to take care of us. Because that is the fate of all childfree relationships...

Thankfully, I've met a few women who have decided to grab the reins of life and steer their own paths. A woman who thinks about her choices, understands the consequences, and commits to her decisions is the type I'm attracted to.

If anything, this vasectomy has helped me weed out people I don't want to be romantically involved with. Tell a date you don't plan on having kids, she might think you mean that you're not ready to have them yet and you'd be open to the idea later. Tell a date you made sure that you can't physically have kids... more of a make or break moment.

Now that it has been confirmed that the procedure was a success, I move on to other things. The beauty of childfreedom is not the absence of another obligation, but the presence of a life of your choosing. People who are childfree are active, involved, and engaged in the world around them. And since I can't rely on my offspring to live out my dreams for me, it seems I'll have to live them out myself.

If any of your readers want to find out more they can email me or check out the website.


- Beau


Violet said...

dear beau,
my man got a vasec early this spring. what a fantastic idea that was! i don't know why more men don't do it.
aside from a few health glitches- in healing time, all went smashingly- and we have the best boudoir life as a result.
we can sleep in till 11:30 if we want to- on a tuesday...
try doing that with kiddies!

and i like the not having to share him.
[how many people get to admit that @ their partner?]

Christine said...

This post rocks! I especially love the paragraph about making your own dreams come true and engaging yourself with the world. I'll spare all the details but I am a 40 yr. old woman without kids currently and possibly forever. I have decided rather than sit around and mope about that, to make the most out of my life and pursue as many dreams as I possibly can. Kudos to you for doing so as well!

ElizabethR1533 said...

Good for you, Beau. I wish more men were like this. You are taking control over your life, and in relationships, "accidents" cannot happen to you.
Sadly, there are *some* women who just see men as sperm donors. If a man doesn't want children, and a woman who puts the life of a not-yet-even-conceived foetus ahead of her partner, does not deserve the man she is with (obviously this works vice versa as well). At least this way you can weed out the ones who are like this early on in the relationship. You can establish that conception cannot and will not happen. If your partner changes their mind - tough luck.
My husband and I are obviously child-free. I am in my mid-30's, I would hate to be dating now! Most men my age would come with excess baggage - something I really would not want.

Anonymous said...

"since I can't rely on my offspring to live out my dreams for me, it seems I'll have to live them out myself." This is a great quote. Awesome post, Beau!

shell said...

Fabulous! I think you are great and bravo to you for getting a vasectomy.

Serenity Yoga said...

Thanks for giving a man's point of view on this.
I want to get sterilised and our NHS (I live in Ireland) won't do it since
a) I'm a women and all women want kids don't you know.
b) I haven't had kids yet so how do I know I don't want them.
c) I'm below the age of menopause (so how will it be of use after that?!)

The main reason I wanted it done over my fiance is that I'm the main one in the relationship that doesn't want kids. He doesn't really either but he's not bothered - I think if I changed my mind he'd be ok with that two. Secondly is that he's 5 years younger than me - what if we break up/I die and he moves on with someone who wants kids. Since he's easy going he'd prob go along with this mythical lady - but couldn't do that if he had a vasectomy.

It's great to hear your views on how it helps in your romantic life actually and gives me something to discuss with my fiance.

Gillian said...

It is a lot more difficult for men I agree and it's great to hear a blokes view on child freedom.

Trying to find like minded people to date through friends, work, bars etc is difficult. Wouldn't it be a lot easier if there was a dating site for the childfree? I'm certainly not aware of one here in the UK - are there any in the US? If dating sites ask all sorts of questions about religion, height, hobbies etc then why not ask about one of the biggest decisions in life that you can make - do you want kids?

I know people can find it hard to find other childfree singletons and something like this would really help!

Temujin said...

Good for you for doing what's right for you. The argument that you'll never find a woman who will settle for a childfree lifestyle is completely bogus, obviously. Evern if it WERE true, it's still no reason to be a parent if you don't want to be.

I don't understand why someone would refuse to sterilize an adult who wanted to be sterilized. "You may change your mind" is a stupid reason to deny the procedure. If the doctor is worried about a lawsuit, there must be some huge waiver the patient can sign. Doctors are covered in all kinds of cases of needless surgery, so why not one that's strongly desired?

I'm wondering if anyone has gone to a doctor and lied in order to get a vasectomy. I don't have any kids, but I'm prepared to lie and say I already have two kids and my wife's last pregnancy was very high-risk, if it will make a difference.

Lady K said...

I get the same response from people about men "what happens when (not if) you meet the perfect man for you and he wants to have kids?"

well, if he's the perfect man for me he WON'T want to have kids will he!

regarding a dating site for the childfree - not sure which countries it operates in, but eharmony has a tickbox for "I never want children" and you can rate how important that is when you search for matches.

Spectra said...

Good for you, Beau--my husband's bipolar and I have OCD and we decided that we just didn't want to pass our genes down to kids. Our lives have been hard enough--we don't want to subject our kids to the same kind of crap we dealt with growing up. Plus, we each have our own hobbies and interests, most of which don't include kids. My husband's getting a vasectomy at some point--we still have to find a doctor that'll do one on a guy with no kids. Most of them only want to do it on men that already have a couple of kids.

Temujin said...

I seems ridiculous to me that a doctor would refuse to perform a vasectomy on someone who did not have children. Zero is just as valid a number of children as two is and should make no difference in whether a patient gets a vasectomy or not.

I would challenge any doctor to give me peer-reviewed medical journal evidence for the risk of a childfree man changing his mind after a vasectomy. I'm guessing no one has done any serious research on it at all. The refusal is not really for scientifically based, professional medical reasons.

This reminds me of the 1950's era policy of not providing birth control for young single women because it might make them more promiscuous and hurt their marriage prospects. Or not letting women into grad school programs because the assumption was they were just going to drop out to have babies anyway.

Same sh**, different day. Chaps my hide.

Anonymous said...

I always say to young childfree men to get a vasectomy asap, because I know way too many men who have been trapped with a baby deliberately. "Yes sure I'm on pill!" It must be a great assurance to know that there is one trap that you will never be caught in!

U.N. Owen said...

This planet is SERIOUSLY overpopulted - and getting WORSE.

The resources a single human needs for a lifetime of survival, the amount a single person makes of WASTE is ASTRONOMICAL.

Once, when you were single and pregnant, it was TABOO.


When I was a kid, I was taught that you didn't have a kid til you could AFFORD to take care of it.

Not only can't these people NOT afford to, they're having MULTIPLES, They're not even LOOKING after them (I saw some sports player - talking about (ahem - his MULTIPLE 'baby's mommas (pathetic)', and he didn't even know HOW MANY he had....

Then, they want to be their kids 'FRIEND.'

YOUR KID NEEDS A FRAKKIN' PARENT! They'll find friends!

It's GETTING out of control.

Everything has LIMITS, and it seems more each day, any shred of sense is going further away.

I applaud ANYONE with a brain who decides they'll take care of THEMSELVES, and NOT spew out seed, as if it's a given.

Betty said...

No worries, you can always have that vasectomy reversed. These days they implant a titanium micro tube to replace the damaged section to the section that got well you know. That's what you can do when the "right" one comes along that wants kids. You can still change your mind. Seriously dude, some girl will probably think exactly that so still be cautious when dating...just sayin'...

Moose said...

My dad was adamant when my parents got married that he only wanted 2 kids - he was a die-hard romantic who was head over heels for my mom, but he wanted to be able to enjoy life with her without tons of kids running around. She always wanted 5+ kids, but agreed with the belief that "he would change his mind" once he "realized how wonderful his children were when they get here". Needless to say, she was a stay-at-home who never intended to work. He got a vasectomy after my brother, #2. That lasted all of 5 years before she basically nagged him to death to have it reversed - there were 3 babies in the 4 years following that reversal. My mother was miserable staying at home all the time, she homeschooled us, so none of us got a break from one another, there were 3 children in diapers at the same time, and my dad was a self-employed truck driver who was gone for 2 weeks at a time on the road. That poor man has worked over 70 hours a week since that vasectomy reversal, rarely gets a day off, and when he is home, is expected to help clean the house, maintain the yard and do his business paperwork...oh, and of course pay attention to my mother and be romantic to her before she gets miffed and throws a fit. It's disgusted me since I was 10 and I honestly remember wishing they would split up, because I wanted my dad tohave a chance at being happy. Btw...the history in this post is straight from my mother's own mouth. Guilty much? said...

Vasectomy Song
Larry Heagle

I went to see my doctor, I said Doc I can't pay my bills
The rent's all spent, the truck's got a dent
And I think I'm getting the chills
From being forced to sleep alone
You know this house just ain't no home
I can't afford no more kids, my life's on the skids
Cause my woman says leave me alone
Unless you get a
Vasectomy, ya gotta get a vasectomy
Just one little male alteration
Could save us from another altercation
It's a
Vasectomy, you gotta getta vasectomy
What a vas deferens there could be

The next thing I knew I was laying on a table
With a light shining in my eyes
They strapped my wrists, they strapped my ankles
And they double-strapped my thighs
The nurses were giggling and I was wiggling
Most uncomfortably
When the Doc walked in with a perverted grin
And here's what he said to me"
"It only hurts for a little while
That's what they tell me, that's what they say"

[ From: ]
It's two weeks later and I feel a little better
And my mind's much more at ease
My rent's still spent, the truck's still got a dent
But my woman is no longer a tease
And even down at the office, there's a lot more interest in me
The girls all grin when I walk in and brother they mean to please
A man with a Vasectomy
I got a vasectomy
Like a Fun Kissed Orange, I been freed
Cause it's all juice and there's no seed

With a vasectomy
You gotta get a vasectomy
What a vas deferens
It's beginning to make a little sense
What a vas deferens there could ..
here is the part that I like most
it takes the danger out of being close

What a vas deferens there could
They snipped those suckers right in two
And clamped them off with super glue

What a vas deferens there could be!

Copied from

Unknown said...

Well, it’s good that you took it upon yourself to push through with your initiative. It may not have been an easy decision for you, but that took a lot of strength. I admire that. If I may, there are some couples with kids who are active, involved, and engaged in the world around them. They are a very unique exception I admit, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t still live a life of your choosing while taking care of a couple of kids.

Timothy Burke @