Here are some recent interesting posts from the moms posting on Secret Confessions on the "I Hate Being a Mom" page. Hordes of moms continue to come forward to admit the horrors of motherhood.
"I hate being a mum too… I mean I love my son, whos 11 now, and I have made it this far.. But, Man, I have loathed all the bloody repetition of constant mess and house work. I hate that I cant go anywhere as I have to be back by 3 pm every day. I hate that Everything nice or new or cleaned, just gets trashed by kids lack of thinking about what theyre doing..I feel like im awaiting the end of a very long arduous jail sentence…And the worst part is… I hate feeling this way.. I want to be a happy mum.. i want to enjoy this journey more.. but the reality of the closed in- ness of this lifestyle, is there to smack you in the face daily, no matter how much positive thinking and books I read on re-training your thoughts.. AARRGGHH, Then its all followed by Guilt.. Yay… Lovely and blissful isn’t it.."
"Thank you for your interest and question. You are right, if you do not have children, you can not even begin to understand the love/hate, and how horrible and guilty we moms feel as we do this…and how much we want to/try to enjoy motherhood. But it is so overwhelming and exhausting, non-stop work and sacrifice every single day! (many times all day long, every single day!)
Do I love my children and that is why I sacrifice all I have and everything that I am for them? = Yes.
If I could go back in time and “do it all over again” and NOT have kids would I do that? = Yes.
I really think that part of this oxymoron is only primitive, animal-like survival instict…like a mother bear attacking anyone that is near her cubs.
I think that pull/drive to have children, or that “ticking biological clock”, is only survival instict too."
You have so much insight and are exactly right about so many things! All the concerns you have are 100% valid and real. It seems like you may have already answered your own question.
I can’t believe there is still such pressure to have kids! Is is 2011 or are we suck in 1950? You can not control those who are critical or judgemental of your childfree life. Do you want to let their negative words or opinions of you affect your life? (especially on such a major, life-altering decision?) Other people have referenced happilychildfree.com as a good source of info.
And you, like many women,….are concerned about “missing out” on something by not having kids. But, are you as concerned about all you will miss out on by having them???
I was concerned about missing out too, but now that I have kids, I am the one who is totally missing out on life!!
I am missing out on little things like: sleep, regular showers, eating a meal in peace while actually sitting down, NOT tripping over toys, wearing a clean shirt for a whole hour with no drool or food on it….
I am missing out on big things like: my freedom, my independence, quality and quantity time with my husband, tons of money, my career (you are right, the woman’s life is changed so much more), my body, my social life…
I used to have hobbies, interests, workout several time per week and be full of energy, volunteer, read and be aware of current events, travel and experience new places/cultures, be good at my job…now ALL of those are GONE…ALL GONE!
The toll on a woman’s body is huge! I have been dealing with pain, incontinence and sexual problems for over 2 years! I had so much damage from the birth process (just a large baby who forcefully ripped my flesh and pelvis apart). I am an average-size person who is in good health and of appropriate weight-just bad luck/physics. I have been to doctors, specialists, a chiropracter, tried drugs and alternative medicines. All have helped a little, but I just want to be pain-free, be able to hold my pee, enjoy sex with my husband again. When women say how horrible the recovery from a c-section is, I tell my story. Do they have problems like I do? do they have any probelms for years and years due to their c-section? Pregnancy and birth are HORRIBLE!
In addition, there is no guarantee that anyone will have a healthy pregnancy, a “normal” baby, or fully recover your body from pregnancy & birth. It is a huge gamble…you throw the dice and you are stuck with whatever you get. You said your heart condition *probably* will not be a problem, but it certainly will not help your chances of everything going well for you and a baby, can it?? Have you told the people who question/judge your childfree life, that you have this heart condition and it could be a big problem for you during pregnancy and birth?
I sincerly hope that YOU make the decisions for YOUR life that are right for YOU!!! May you ignore and deflect all questioning or criticizm of your life choices. May you have much peace about your decisions! :)"
"Wow, have just discovered this website and just reading that other people feel the same is a huge comfort. I am so sorry especially for the mums with the children with special needs or those that are ill – I can only feel for you as you have so much additionally work on top of everything that others/me are coping with. Also, I think it’s important to say that we all love our children very much I am sure but I really do think being married and having kids is a HUGE MYTH!!!! I can’t believe that as little girls this is what most of us head towards full of excitement and joy. Although I love my children very much, the happiest times of my life were spent with my husband alone….I had a good job, a great social life and a nice tidy house! And the biggest thing I miss is just doing my own thing…..sleeping in until late, going out until late, going for country walks and stopping by a pub for lunch, going to the cinema if i wanted and staying out for a pizza….and the holidays,,,,sleeping by the pool and reading books……all of these things I miss so much and wish had I known what real life was like with kids. I wish I had waited until I was in my late 30′s to start having babies…maybe I wouldn’t feel so resentful then???
I have three young boys and life is just one wheel of exhaustion and routine. The endless round of domestic chores – feeding, washing and clearing up just never ever ends. I literally feel like I spend my whole life doing it. In an effort to retain my mental health I got myself a p/t job…..it’s been amazing but also has increased my stress levels no end….I end up doing the domestic chores after doing a p/t job that used to be done by a full-time person and often I don’t get to bed until midnight as I also take work home with me as there just aren’t enough hours in the day to do it when the house is quiet but oh the irony as more often than not some one wakes at 11pm crying so I never get it done….it’s those moments that I really think I am going mad…..being a mother is a 24hrs a day, 7 days a week job…..it’s like being on call all of the time. I miss my old life so much. I look in the mirror and see how much I have aged, I am tired and exhausted all the time and am eating badly just to get me through each day…..I’ve had some really terrible thoughts like walking out of the door and never coming back but I think the guilt would kill me, so the next best option would be to end my own life…..but I’m such a coward I would never really do it…..I just ‘dream’ of being able to sleep and not wake up to a messy house and people fighting. I read about a lawyer a few months ago, who had just returned to work after her third daughter and she threw herself over into the Thames river in London. All I could think was how sad for her family but I did understand ‘why’ she did it. She must have felt so over whelmed with it all….a job, three young kids, a husband, a house to run…..I understand her.
I have thought about going to the doctors to get some some medication to help me….I really want to enjoy this stage of my life but I can’t I hate it.
My anxiety is also getting really bad. I feel shaky and sick when I’m out with them all…..people running everywhere, screaming and shouting, I hate it. I literally panic and want to burst into tears, fall to the floor and have someone take care of ME for a while. I wonder if anyone here has started taking antidepresants??? Please share. I worry about taking them though as when I’m not with the children i.e out or at work, I feel fine so do I really want to go down that road???
I hope our situation improves for us all. I think when the children are older life will get easier so it’s a case of hanging on and waiting. I just feel so sorry for my kids too. I’m a crap mother and I wish I could be happy for them and my husband.
"I wasn’t sure if I wanted children either. Until my fiance and I were faced with pregnancy. I too was surrounded by what appeared to be very happy parents and often heard “It’s the best thing that ever happened to me” or “I don’t know where I would be without my son or daughter”. With all the hype I was pretty excited about my baby! Well, my excitement was short lived when I realized what a pain in the ass they are. It wasn’t the sweet serene images I had of my daughter and I sitting on a couch telling stories, loving and respecting each other. Or the glorified stories told by other parents about their children. How naive I was.I could have been in college right now. My life is so unproductive now. The only thing I’ve done so far is reproduce! I haven’t had the time or money to finish my own college education and now I have to start saving for someone else’s. I don’t own a home and can’t afford to on my crappy salary. My savings isn’t very impressive and I can’t go out and do many of the things I love until my daughter is old enough to come too. Having a daughter taught me a lot about myself I don’t like. More important it taught me to never do this again! The not so good things I’ve learned about myself as a parent along the way that 85% of moms can appreciate:
cooking for a picky eater sucks and I refuse to
cook more for someone who’s just being ridiculous in the first place,
I am not humble,
What is dignity?,
I am NOT a morning person,
I want to be truly appreciated for what I do and that is something a child will never do (willingly),
I don’t want to share and have to hide to eat anything,
if I hear “MOM…?” One more time I might run away,
I need time-outs too!,
If she is a reflection of us as her parents, so far, we are screwed!,
I wish I had gotten a dog instead because they cause LESS damage to your personal property and social services won’t show up if it trips down the stairs,
But most of all… THERE IS NO ESCAPE!
LOL! Seriously, my daughter is 6 and although I would do anything for her, if I had known how much skill it required to be a mom, I wouldn’t have done it. Just plain honesty. I’m not a natural at this! Please don’t tell us how awful we are, not everyone was meant to be a mom and I’ll be willing to bet that those who weren’t and do have children thought they would have been! You just never know until you take the leap. This is a safe place to vent without damaging anyone. I’d recommend a dog."
"I AM A SINGLE MOTHER OF THREE ADULT CHILDREN. UNTIL THE LAST YEAR OR TWO I LOVED BEING A MOTHER. WE HAD LOTS OF FUN TOGETHER, DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. I DID ATTEMPT TO RAISE MY CHILDREN TO BE INDEPENDENT. NOW MY OLDEST HAS COMPLETED COLLEGE, HAS A FULL TIME JOB, WHICH SHE GOT THREE DAYS POST GRADUATION, AND HAS MOVED BACK HOME AFTER BEING ON CAMPUS FOR FOUR YEARS. SHE HAS YET TO CONTRIBUTE ONE DIME TO MY HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES BUT EVERY WEEK SHE HAS HER GROCERY LIST READY FOR MY SHOPPING TRIP. IT’S DARN NEAR IMPOSIBLE TO SAY ANYTHING TO HER BCUZ SHE TAKES EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY. I HAD TO TELL HER TO DO SOME CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE BCUZ SHE WILL DO NOTHING. I FEEL LIKE MY KIDS R GROWN AND THIS IS SOMETHING I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO. I FEEL LIKE IF U SEE SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE DO IT. MY YOUNGEST WHO IS ALSO GROWN STILL LIVES AT HOME, GOES TO COLLEGE FULL TIME. I UNDERSTAND SHE IS USE TO HAVING THE HOUSE TO HERSELF, BUT NOW MY OLDEST DAUGHTER IS HOME AND EVERYTHING IS A FIGHT. AND I DO MEAN EVERYTHING. MY THIRD CHILD MOVED OUT TWO YEARS AGO, RECONNECTED WITH HIS DAD AND I HAVEN’T SEEN OR SPOKE TO HIM IN ABOUT THAT LONG. HE HAS POSTED ON THE INTERNET THAT I AM A LIAR WHO KEPT HIM FROM HIS FATHER ALL THESE YEARS. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. I’M JUST HOPING THAT SOMEDAY SOON HE WILL START TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. MY CHILDREN HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE CENTER OF MY LIFE.ONE OF MY FRIENDS SAID TO ME WHEN ME CHILDREN WHERE YOUNGER, IF SHE EVER HIT THE LOTTERY SHE WOULD GIVE ME A MILLION DOLLARS BCUZ I WORK SO HARD AT ATTEMPTING TO RAISE MY KIDS RIGHT. NOTHING AND/OR NOONE CAME BEFORE THEM. I AWAYS LOOK OUT FOR WHAT I THOUGHT WAS THEIR BEST INTEREST. I NEVER RAISED THEM EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN, BUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME I NEVER, EVER EXPECTED THIS. IF I COULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN I WOULD NEVER HAVE CHILDREN."
"my kids are 7 & 8 and i have nothing of my own. my daughter takes things of mine and whenever i go to find a hair brush, or sunglasses or even tweezers, they are gone. there is no privacy whatsoever. i can’t go to the bathroom without being interrupted.
i can never speak to anyone in my house because apparently i don’t have anything interesting enough to say, so i am constantly interrupted. i don’t talk to my kids or my husband anymore, outside of the day to day BS. i’m tired and i’m so sorry i ever got myself into this. because the kids were born so close together i now have an autoimmune disease that i will have for the rest of my life. i’m sick all the time and no one can help me.
i had the greatest life anyone could wish for before the kids. i had my own business and people were lined up at the door throwing money at me hand over fist. my dh and i vacationed at least four times a year and could do whatever we wanted, when we wanted. i was happy …we were happy. and now everything we do is for them. i try to raise them well, giving them love and respect and even a fun time. and last night while at dinner i asked my oldest not to interrupt me while i’m speaking and he turns and says to me, “i hate you.”
well. i don’t hate him. i love him and i love my family but i really hate the choice i made. this is the biggest mistake i’ve ever made for myself. growing up my family had nothing and i made myself into something and everything has been taken from me.
if you don’t have kids and are thinking about it. don’t do it. just don’t even go there."
"I really understand what you are saying – I stuggled for a long time with the decision of having kids and was afraid of making the “wrong” choice. I wish I had heard the piece of wisdom, posted by someone else on this site (i think her name was “g”?) She said something like – if you are so undecided, or go back and forth on it, then you probably really do not want to have kids. I totally agree with this and wish I could go back in time and tell it myself before having kids!!
Parenting takes 110% of you (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially…) so you have to really want it with 110% of yourself.
Also, I really think that much of the pull/drive/interest in having children is simply primitive survival instinct. It is the desire/need to reproduce, or to care for the young of our species, that all other living things have. I suggest that you, listen to your own brain and what you know is right for you and your husband. Do NOT let your hormones/”mother nature”/ticking “biological clock” make your decisions for you.
And you are right about pregnancy, birth, and the first 5 years, all are horrible. I find that many of the frustrated moms posting here and on other sites have small, needy, messy kids (like mine, ages 2 and 4). Some people say “it gets better” when they get older and more independent. However there are some moms who are at the end of their rope with thier older kids….some people say “little kids=little problems, but big kids=big problems”. While I am looking forward to my kids being older (and, for example, being done with diapers and butt-wiping), I am concerned about what stage comes next. Parens of teenagers are so often complaining about how their teens are driving them crazy! (Again, they are just in a physically, hormonally, nerologically changing time, and it sucks to parent a physiological storm.)
One final note on decisions (and this may not apply to you at all). I am a person who makes decisions carefully, thoughtfully, weighing the pros & cons. I know that if we had chosen to not have kids, I would have always wondered if it was the right decision, wondered if I would regret not having them, even though we would have continued to be very happy and enjoing life without them. But, now that we have kids, I KNOW that we made the wrong decision, for us.
I sincerely hope that you find peace in whichever path you choose and much happiness."
"Yes, I think it helps me to “get it out”, as well as see how many other moms feel this way and know that I am not crazy. The only crazy thing I did was believe the LIES about the “bundle of joy” and how wonderfully fullfilling parenting is, hard work and all!
The crazy people are those who put any pressure, judgement, or look down on women who are child-free by choice. You are right, where can we turn? Where can we say I hate being a mom, or even, I wish I never had kids?? I too already feel guilty about the crappy job I am doing as a mom – I do not need criticizm from anyone else.
Now I feel so strongly about doing what I can to be honest about how much this whole motherhood thing sucks. What also helps me is to see that some other women have commented on how this site, and honesty from moms, has confirmed their choice to NOT have kids. I am truly happy for them, happy that they are free to do something productive with their lives… even though it does not directly get me out of my daily hell.
Any little thing helps me feel a tiny bit better, albeit anonymously online, helps me get through another day. Hope it helped you too."
If you'd like to read more from regretful parents, click here.
I'm 22 and I am pretty sure that I don't want children. I only say this because I have no idea whether I will change my mind when I'm older.
I understand the biological desire to have kids, but there is nothing biologically innate about parenting in 2011. I do not have a desire built in my genes to change diapers and fight over homework with kids. I understand the bigger picture of parenting is that you are teaching a young one how to live life, but this comes at a bigger price- losing freedom, and freedom is definitely one of the main things we as humans need. Look at all the other animals on this earth who for the most part roam freely even with kids.
I sometimes get a physical yearning for kids, but I don't follow my gut, despite what women will tell you this is what you should do. I listen to my mind. I have not experienced all there is yet and maybe a romantic relationship and traveling will cure this yearning rather than kids.
Lastly, you have one life on this beautiful, amazing earth. Why would I want to waste my youth taking care of someone else so that MAYBE when I'm old (and possibly divorced due to the strain of parenthood) I can start to travel?
Still another deluge of regret from the mommy brigade. So where is the equally angst ridden web site full of elderly childfree people bemoaning the choice they made not have children? Yep. Thought so.
I very small part of me feels sorry for these women because a lot appear to have been brainwashed by the whole pro-natalist life script spiel, but others really thought that they would be the exception- that it would be "different" for them. That's just plain entitlement, and my sympathy ends there.
Wow, those stories have really reinforced my decision not to have kids!
But I also feel so sorry for those poor women to have made the choice to have children and regret it, that's such a big thing and you can never go back.
I wonder if Susan reads this blog. Her terrific and very thoughtful post was among those who posted in your linked forum.
May 4, 2011 at 3:50 am
Buttercup [a previous poster] worded it harshly (“IDIOT” was really unnecessary), but I too must question how a person can live in our society, witness the daily lives of people around them who have kids (including their own parents) and not realize what drudgery parenthood is. Yes, the media and our culture is pronatalist, and heavily pushes pro-parenthood messages. There’s no doubt about that. But did it ever occur to people to QUESTION the propaganda they are spoon fed? Does it ever occur to people to think independently, and not buy into every myth that is foisted upon them? If the media was promoting drinking arsenic-laced Pepsi, and you looked around and saw that people were dying from drinking it, would you drink it anyway?
I am childfree by choice. I had NO childfree role models in my life. Ever. My decision to forego having kids was met with ridicule and derision. I was made to feel selfish, confused, misguided and immature. I never saw a pro-childfree message portrayed anywhere, EVER. I was beaten over the head with the very same messages as all of you that becoming a mom is the only path to true happiness and fulfillment. But I didn’t buy it. Why? I used my observational and critical thinking skills and could see that none of the people I knew who had kids were living happier lives than me and in fact, in most cases were living less satisfactory lives. Most were tired, broke, stressed out, depressed with strained marriages. I liked my life the way it was – the fact that my husband and I were number one to each other, having the freedom to pursue educational and recreational pursuits, having the time to be a devoted friend, daughter, sister and aunt, being able to be healthy, well-rested and financially secure. I saw no reason to compromise any of this. I decided that the person who knows best what will make my life happy is ME…and nobody else will decide my life path.
My mom and every other woman around me told me I would regret my decision not to have kids. Well, I am 45 years old and not only do I NOT regret it, I am more and more grateful every passing year that I stuck to my guns and forged ahead with my childfree life. Furthermore, I have not yet met a childfree-by-choice person who has regretted their decision. Yet we see hordes of parents coming forward anonymously on the internet to express regret for having children.
The point of this is not to be judgemental (although I know it sounds that way), but to let those who are “on the fence” know that it’s OKAY not to have kids. No, you won’t find much validation or support for that decision, and you will most likely be made to feel like defective goods. But you must reach deep inside yourself and rely on your inner strength and sense of self to stand tall and swim upstream. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s far easier than the life of parent! Look around you. Read these posts.
Search online for childfree blogs and social groups. Try to meet other people who share your life choice and you will quickly come to see that you are NOT so odd or an outcast. There are more and more people choosing this lifestyle and numbers are increasing every year.
The morale of this story is….THINK. FOR. YOURSELF.
Once you have kids, you are stuck and you can never go back. Those comments from regretful mothers made me sad - children deserve to be wanted. I think many women like the idea of having babies but they have not really thought in advance about the drudge work involved and the time/energy drain.
I've always said that I'd rather not have kids and wonder if I made a mistake, than to have kids and KNOW I did.
What a timely post--I just found out that my sister and brother-in-law (who have 2 kids already and live in an 800 sq. ft. condo) are expecting their 3rd baby in December. She's not exactly thrilled about it, but I am SO glad it isn't me...now they have to move ASAP and find a bigger house, worry about childcare, etc. There are much better things I'd rather do with my time and money.
Wow... this confirms that I made the right decision 10 years ago when I got my tubes tied without having kids first. I've never had a biological clock... well, I've had it for puppies, but I can get a puppy without the pain and mess of giving birth. Plus, the little bugger will housebreak in 2 weeks with proper management.
What I don't understand is these mothers that have a terrible time of it but go ahead and have MORE kids! I understand two, I don't know where I would be without my siblings and if it's doable, giving your child a sibling is a huge act of love. But more than that - when you don't like it - I will never get. The children should not outnumber the parents! LOL
I just came across this hilarious website: www.shitmykidsruined.com
Photos from parents of things their kids have destroyed/messes they have made etc.
Suddenly life seems so peaceful!!
A part of me finds it very difficult to feel sorry for the moms that have 2 and 3 (or more) children. Why didn't you learn your lesson with the first one?
We are lucky we live in a time/place where you can get birth control fairly easily. Why on earth would you repeat your bad mistake more than once?
I'm happy to have some friends who are very happy with their decision to have children, and that makes me feel good inside. I feel proud of them. But I also know some people heading down the child road that are going to be horrible unhappy parents.
I wish more people had the self awareness to know the difference and choose accordingly.
I've been re-reading some of these and one statement stands out for me- I missed it in my first read.
One of the moms said that she had made herself into something and
that (by having children) "everything has been taken away from me"
Think about that statemant- this woman, despite all her soul searching, is still apparently not aware that nothing was "taken" from her- she gave it away by making a choice. Some of them simply don't get it.
a big reason why I dont want to have children is because of the child I was to my mother. Im 21 and as a child I was a screaming little stubborn brat. I would hit people, break things, scream at the top of my lungs in public, yell "I HATE YOU" when I didnt get my way, I was a parents worst nightmare. As a pre teen I hated my parents for never letting me do what I wanted and yelled and fought with them all the time while wanting to kill myself. In high school I was still stubborn but fought with my parents all the time because they didnt drive me somewhere or let me go to my friends house (all I had was guy friends so they thought I was going to get pregnant). Now im 21 and I rarely fight with them anymore because I see now who I was and they dont deserve that treatment. I admit, im still stubborn and get into little arguments at times but I clean after myself (chores), I work and support myself (buy my own groceries and all other products), Im in college and I help my folks when needed (yes, money wise) and I try to be a good role model to my little 12 year old brother. But knowing what a monster I was and how I still carry it in my blood (though I think im doing WAY better!) I dont want to contribute to the world by making another little me.
The posts left here by regretful mothers make me shiver cold all over. I do have sympathy for them as I too have only one & would never have any more.
I went to dinner last night just my partner & I and saw these two heavily pregnant women dining next to us with their partners I over heard some of the conversation- both first pregnancies and all I wanted to do is scream at them....WHY???? Or slap them in the face.
I felt so bad for them & even disgusted the sight of pregnant women now just makes me sick.
Wow this is such an interesting topic
I so regret having my children. I was a teenage parent. They are in their 30's now and apparently I was the worst parent in the world. My daughter is estranged from me--I am too depressed, she says. She has treated me terribly for years. I have not been a perfect parent but have done nothing to deserve this. The dead-beat dad has inherited money and now he is Great! My son is working on following in her footsteps. She is a very controlling person. They were all I had, since my family was very dysfunctional. I could have been selfish and sent them to live with the father, but he was abusive and didn't work. I gave up my whole life, and yes, I did become depressed but fought for them.
How dare they.
I hurt but I listen to what my mind tells me. My son took most of my mother's small inheritance because I let him on the promise that he would pay me back because he was having a hard time. Where is that now when I am almost homeless, or any phone calls to see how I am getting along?
Take take take. My mother and I did not get along either, but I never would have this kind of disrespect for her.
Shame on them. I did raise them better than this. Thanks to American societal values, this is what some people get.
My brother acted stupid when my mother died also.
There is no respect for elders or family in this country, period.
It is too late for me. I so regret everything I have done, and it was done out of love, and I see now that I was a victim of family.
All I can say is Bravo! I too think the same way you do. I ve be undexided for a while and agree with the parents and my own intuition; if I dont want kids 2000% then parenthood is not for me. Kids are a big deal just like marriage so I too am perplexed why people wouldnt at least research and get All the information on parenthood both good bad and the ugly before making a decision. Im thankful to be childfree and commend those parents who are honest and brave enough to let the truth be known...even if its taboo. Readinf these real confessions validates my feelings to NOT have children.
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