The Allure of the Expected versus The Truth

I mentioned to you last week that I had to fire someone recently. It was a pretty traumatic experience and the first time I ever had to do such a thing, but I made it through fairly unscathed. Fortunately I found what appears to be a good replacement for the person I fired. She's an interesting, intelligent young woman with a strong, outspoken personality and an opininated nature. She's not shy about telling us just what she thinks and seems to have no hesitation about being contrary when needed.

Yesterday, my staff went out to lunch together and in the course of our lunch conversation, the new employee, Charlene, asked everyone around the table if they had kids. Of course, I gave my usual answer, "yes, 2 cats", which elicited the usual laugh. After everyone else had answered, Charlene was asked if she had kids.

"Ugh - NO!" she exclaimed, with a look of intense disgust, as though someone had asked her if she would like a dog doo sandwich.

And then, immediately following her intense expression of disgust at the idea of having kids, she stated, "I'm not married yet. Once I get married, we'll see."

I have to admit that this type of instant 180 degree flip-flop is just fascinating to me. In the span of 2 short seconds, she went from sheer disgust to open-mindedness about the very same issue. It's an interesting thing to witness.

You may be thinking she probably made the second statement because she sensed the group was judging her negatively for the first statement and wanted to soften the blow. Nope. She got no negative judgement from anyone in the group. I've already broken them in to the concept of childfreedom so at this point the idea of someone choosing not to have kids is no longer a novel concept to them.

So why the stark ambivalance?

Over time, as I get to know her better, I am sure I will find out (and I will be sure to update you) but my suspicion is that she's taking the same approach that most people take when it comes to having children: you have them because that's just what you do. It doesn't matter if you like kids. It doesn't matter if you want to be a parent. It doesn't matter if you are happy just as you are. You get married, and you have kids. It's a prescription. You don't think about it. You don't question it. You don't consider whether it's the best or most fulfilling path for you. You accept it. It's your destiny. Go to school, get a job, get married, have kids. Period, end of sentence (or, from my perspective beginning of a sentence, depending on how one defines sentence).

I know approval feels really good. I know achieving what we're taught is a milestone feels really good too. And who doesn't want to be showered with praise, compliments and congratulations? Who doesn't want to be the center of attention and celebration; the pinacle of femininity and radiant beauty - the center of the universe, the creator of miracles, the madonna? Who doesn't want a life rich with activity and plans, with surprise and excitement? Who doesn't want to fit in as a bona fide member of The Club? Who doesn't want to make mom and dad happy and fulfill their dream of having grandchildren? Who doesn't want to look into the eyes of an adorable little mini-me who reflects back the most appealing vision of herself? Who doesn't want to be the god of someone's world - the ultimate power figure in someone else's life? The ego drinks this shit up.

The lure of approval and self-glorification is mighty powerful for sure, but I still find it fascinating that more intelligent and critical-thinking people don't stop and say, "yes, that's all great, BUT..." and really think through the huge costs incurred in this pursuing this massive ego stroke. What exactly is the huge price tag for being a card-carrying member of The Parent Club?

It's pretty easy to figure out why even the most intelligent and critical-thinking people never get to the point of seriously weighing out their options. Childfreedom is never presented as an option. It's rarely, if ever, mentioned by anyone, at any time (well, except on internet sites like this). How many adults (or anyone for that matter) did you know growing up, who presented the childfree option to you as an viable and attractive lifestyle path you might want to consider? How many times were you told that having children is a choice and some people choose not to have them and are happy with their choice? How many childfree role models did you have growing up? How many childfree-by-choice celebrities did you hear about in the media? How many childfree characters did you see on television or in movies (that were not psychopathic nut-jobs)?

Think about it. It's not hard to see why people like Charlene talk out of both sides of their mouths.