The Authority on Regret - Revisited

One of the neat features of SiteMeter is that it tells me how people find my blog. Sometimes, people find my blog through other blogs who link to this one (thank you!). In other cases, people do internet searches for particular terms and end up here.

Here is an interesting tidbit for you. The most common type of internet search that directs people to my blog is along these lines:

"Will I regret not having kids?"

"Do childfree people have regrets?"

I find this interesting for a number of reasons. First, fear of regret is something that appears to be a serious concern for a whole lot of people, particularly those who are considering making the decision not to have children. This has always been interesting to me and in fact, I wrote about it once before.

Where does this fear of regret come from and more importantly, why isn't there an equally powerful fear of regret concerning having children? After all, if a person choses not to have children and changes her mind later, she can always adopt. The reverse, however, is not true. One cannot have a child and then change their mind. Given the permanency of having children, not to mention the lifetime of sacrifice, burden and obligation that comes with it, it is my argument that that type of regret should be the type to elicit fear and send people racing to the internet to research whether they will regret their decision later.

Where does the fear of regret concerning childfreedom come from? It stems from one thing - being constantly inundated from every angle with this message - and believing it:

"If you don't have children, you will regret it later."

And again, as I stated in my previous post on this subject, my question to you is this: who are the people conveying this message and what first-hand knowledge and experience do they have of regrets incurred from not having children? Can a childed person speak authoritatively on the subject of childfree regret? If your answer is no, my second question is this: is it adviseable to believe messages that come from inexperienced and ill-informed people?

To those reading this blog who are plaqued with concerns over possible long-term childfree regret: if you truly want to know whether the childfree life is one of regret, question a childfree person directly and see what he or she has to say. There are many of us out here and some of us are old enough to evaluate the regret issue with authority.

As for me, I am in my 40s and not only do I not regret my choice, I grow more grateful for it and certain of it with each passing year, and my gratefulness only intensifies when I compare my life to those around me with children. To that end, the next time you hear parents bitching and moaning about their children and about how hard parenting is, how much they have given up, how they have no life anymore, etc., really listen to them. Observe them objectively and ask yourself if they seem happier than you and if the life they lead is one that a person would regret if they did without it. Don't let the fictional "parenthood is all puppies and rainbows" message fool you into falling into step with the vast, mindless flock of sheep.

Only when we evaluate parenthood critically and for what it truly is, instead of through the unrealistic, rose-colored pronatalist lens our culture foists upon us, can we make well-informed decisions that will result in the life that is best for us - a satisfying and fulfilling life that is void of worries of regret.

In closing, when a parent tells you with authority that a life without children is one of regret, just remember this simple and very wise slogan:

QUESTION AUTHORITY.

(And remember who the real authorities are)