I received a lovely e-mail from a reader of this blog who gave me her permission to share it with you. It really warmed my heart in more ways than one. (Thanks A)
"Good afternoon!
I just wanted to say thank you for your blog, it has been so insightful and interesting to read, particularly as I share your values. My husband and I have declared ourselves completely and utterly child free and are just loving our lives. It has been hard though as we are now reaching the age where children are expected of us (I am 27, he is 33) and it has began to get harder and harder to avoid the "pitying" glances when we explain we have no interest. Luckily my parents are wonderful and have put no pressure on us, although my mother sometimes says "give it a while" whereas my husband's parents have only recently come around to us - a couple of years ago we were "selfish" and now they say they respect whatever we choose. It is also beginning to reduce our social circle as friends vanish off the face of the earth, or so it seems. This is a shame but inevitable as we are no longer of any use - our home is not a place for baby sitting or children in general - spiky furniture, fragile ornaments and orchids and my precious fish tanks. And I love it that way.
It is very exciting to know that there are others out there that are coming to the realisation that having children is not a requirement (I think I was about 23 when I realised I didn't HAVE to have children) and reading blogs like yours is very inspiring - in fact I have read all of your blog in one day. I can do this as I am at home, on my own, while I am in the middle of a career change - which I can do because I don't have mouths to feed. I may also be about to undertake a degree - which I can do as it is my money and my time. I love it! My husband, the eternal child anyway, may actually have realised earlier than I did that kids were not in the plan. His favourite thing is to be left alone after work, to play on the computer, read e-mails and relax with a big gin before joining me to do whatever we want whenever we want. A night in or out can be spontaneous and we are so happy. Going to the shops is an experience these days and often encounter at screaming children, strollers (Why do mothers attempt to take these things down the most insane narrow streets? Why do they seem to think they have the right of way with these behemoths when the child is nine times out of ten in one of the parents arms??) we tend to catch each others eyes and the relief and absolute pleasure that we will never have to go through it is just... fabulous!
Anyway, this is getting overly long, I just felt compelled to write and thank you for a very refreshing blog with some excellent insights and a very captivating read!
Take care A."
I have to agree. I think my wife and I always understood that having children isn't a requirement, however, we remained undecided... until recently (we are both now 34 after 11 years of marriage). When we did finally make the commitment we also decided we needed to announce it to our parents and friends who had consistently wondered aloud for years "when is it going to happen?" I knew then that I (we) needed some support. I found it with this blog. What I get is a sense that our decision is valid and legitimate, a feeling of solidarity from the broader commenting group, and a forum that helps me put a voice to my own feelings. Thank you so much for this blog.
ReplyDeletehey! my name is andrea...and im nos glad i have found your blog again!!
ReplyDeletesomehow i came across it while i was at work last month, and read a lot of it, i wanted to read it again but i didn't know how to find it! all i could remember was something with childfree or childless so i started googling to see if i could find and boy am i glad you left a comment at this website that had to do with childfree vs childless..anyway i read your comment and it gave me your website...so yay!
i enjoy your blogs a lot..
and of course im childfree too and married. but i do have three baby boys of the feline family :)
so i left this big comment about how i came across your website while at work last month but i couldnt remember the name of the website so i starting googling things and i came across this website that had an article about childfree vs childless and you so happened to left a comment there with this website so i was able to find it...
ReplyDeleteanyway my comment didn't go through so i had to leave this one...
love your blogs.
That line about having children will never go away. We are in our 40's and that question is STILL be asked of us. They totally do not hear "We like the way things are right now."
ReplyDeleteIt is so refreshing to know that there are other COUPLES out there who think the way my husband and I do. We know so few people in our area who are CF--we just lost another pair of friends to parenthood. Okay, I should not say "lost," but it is difficult not to feel rather abandoned by certain friends when their child suddenly becomes the center of attention. And while I am understanding that the child takes top priority, it is disheartening to see some of my friendships fade away and certain friends/cousins become PodParents rather than the unique human beings most of them once were.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I are more than overjoyed to be CF. We have so many interests--together and as individuals--that we can cultivate,
w/out the worry that or kid needs to be shuttled to daycare or school or "playdates", etc... We can travel when we like--granted, we ARE parents of two dogs, but still!--and enjoy glasses of wine nightly while chatting about our next adventure together or working on issues in our relationship. I feel that b/c I still have so much work to do on myself and really want to focus on my relationship with my husband, a child in my house would be about the last thing I could (or want to!) handle. There are so many more reasons why I have chosen to remain CF, but one is simply that I CRAVE space, independence, freedom, and time to figure out who I am and who I am in within my marriage. For my parenting friends and relatives, these are feelings and activities that are promptly placed on the back burner as soon as the first child arrives.
And I have to say, while I'm sure most of the parents in my world do love their kids, I know they secretly (or openly!) envy the freedom my husband and I have on a daily basis. I feel smugly fortunate. :)
Here's a question only a childed person can answer...so I might be barking up the wrong tree here...
ReplyDeleteBut we (CF-ers) ALL talk about how we lose our friendships when baby comes along...but really, does this mean that just WE are excluded? Or do couples with kids lose each other too?
Some of my friends have little kids...and it doesn't seem to be just childfree people they are cutting ties with, they are so exhausted they don't hand out with ANYBODY... with kids or not.
just musing...
and I forgot to mention, yes, I love this blog and have been reading EVERY archived post. It is SO validating to feel like others out there feel this way too.
ReplyDelete